Welcome! This is a blog for Keira and Candice to speak of all our woes. Ha! Not exactly. We both struggle with infertility. This is our way of keeping in touch and being a support for one another. Here is where we share our thoughts, our feelings, our struggles, our hopes, and our dreams. We have often asked ourselves 'why not us?' We would sure like to know what happened to our storks. So if anyone with similar struggles visits this blog, just know YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Although at times it sure feels like it, doesn't it? Hopefully this may help you as well.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Blessings amidst Trials

    The last couple of posts have been of me struggling about not having kids yet, and being frustrated about being forced to wait while it seems that everyone is getting pregnant at the drop of a hat.
     Well, the last few days my eyes have been opened to the many blessings I do have in my life, and a few positive things about us not having kids yet.
        For those who do not know I have been sick now since last Wednesday. I was scheduled to work last Wednesday, December 22. When I awoke I felt a little weird. My stomach didn't hurt, and wasn't exactly sick, but it didn't feel right. I went to work and started getting extreme pain in the middle, just below my ribs. Well, I said a quick prayer, and the pain didn't stop, but was manageable all through work. Almost instantly when I got home from work I got the bad pain, cramping, diarrhea, hot sweats, dizziness, lightheadedness, and nausea. I figured it was just the 24 hour bug, so I slept off and on that night with a bowl by my side. The next 48 hours was no better. I stayed down for 3 days straight. I didn't eat anything, and therefore was extremely weak on top of all the other symptoms. By about one o'clock Christmas eve morning I was ready to go to the hospital. We packed up and went to the ER. After several tests, we were sent home with the direction that we needed to follow up with my normal dr. because my liver enzymes were elevated, and needed to be monitored.
        Well, I was feeling so much better by Saturday, so I didn't really feel the need to see my normal dr. Then I was smacked again with the pain starting again Monday afternoon. I figured this has been almost a week, and wasn't going away on its own, so I needed to go in. I set up the appointment for Wednesday. When I was in the ER they only told me that my liver was elevated, but none of their other findings, so my normal dr. went over everything with me.  Apparently I have cysts on my ovaries, along with the elevated liver enzymes. Normal liver enzymes is in the 50 range, and she said mine were in the 800 range. Which is why I am constantly in pain, and have so much bloating and fullness in my stomach,  even though I cannot eat more than a little soup and crackers. We are waiting on the rest of the results from the tests she took, but she gave me some medicine that should actually help coat my stomach rather than the tylonol/percocet that the hospital gave me that does more damage to my liver. Good thing they have competent doctors working in the Emergency Room right? Sheesh!
          Now, on to the point of this story. I have been thinking a lot about how moms deal with their own pain and sicknesses with the demands and time of children. I have been in quite a bit of pain and I can barely manage it all myself, let alone having kids and their needs on top of it all. When it got the worst, and we had to go to the hospital, we didn't have to gather up the kids, or find a babysitter at 1:00 am, or have me go to the hospital by myself, while my husband stayed home with them. Nope, we just hopped in and went, and I was able to have my baby at my side the whole time. This is one of those times that I am so grateful that I don't have kids. It has been and still is hard enough without the added EVERYTHING kids bring.
   Well, another situation that makes me grateful for my own trials.....Today, Mike and I left at 9:00 this morning to get a jump start on errands and get ahead of the game, since I have been down and gotten behind on the demands of a house, and a husband. Well, the roads were super crappy and so we put the chains on our tires and drove a few blocks to maceys to check to make sure they were tightened good enough. Much to our surprise we had a flat tire! Well, we decided to just drive a block to Big O, and just go ahead and get 4 new tires, since we needed them desperately anyway. We get there and it is packed. We wait in line, order what we need and then sit down and wait. For those who do not know there is a lot of sitting and waiting at Big O Tires, especially when its as busy as it was today. Well, this poor lady was there right before us, and she had 3 small kids with her. Luckily they had a movie going, and popcorn and drinks for those of us waiting. Well, as great as that is, it only suffices for these three kids a short while. It was not long before they were making a HUGE mess with the popcorn, running around and chasing each other all over the store, and about running into people waiting in line. They were teasing and fighting with one another which was then causing them to complain and whine to their mom. This poor lady was trying to have a conversation with a lady next to her at the same time as manage this restless boys. It really made me smile inside. I was getting really restless near the end as well, and could just imagine being 3-7 years old and feeling the same way, with no qualms as what to do about it. As I watched the energy drain, and the frustration rise in this poor mother, I had a grateful heart. It's bad enough to have car problems, and be waiting for 3 hours by yourself, but to have kids that you cannot control with you through the turmoil and frustration, I cannot imagine. And today I did not have to imagine as I watched and listened with a grateful heart, and a smile on my face.
    

WORD OF THE DAY

Pregsplotion: The sudden abundance of pregnant women in your vicinity within hours of your negative pregnancy test.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Grrrr

I'm sort of having a mad moment. I found out last night that a friend of mine is pregnant with twins. So I'm sort of angry over this. Happy for her, but angry for my situation. And it got me thinking about a time a few years ago when another friend of mine found out she was pregnant. She came over to my house one day and the moment I opened the door...
Her: GUESS WHAT?!
(Immediately I'm thinking 'great, she's pregnant.)
Me: What?
Her: I'M PREGNANT!
(Did I or did I not just call it? Even through the hurt I can still appreciate my awesomeness.)
Me: Congratulations. (Fake smile plastered on my face)
Her: Yeah, we just recently found out and have been calling everyone.
(So why do I of all people get the privilege of having her stop by my house to tell me? Really, I would have preferred the phone call.)
Her: I just ran into your mom at Wal-Mart and told her, which made me think to come see you. When I told her she said you would be so jealous and I was all 'I know'.
Me: .... (Bigger fake smile on my face thinking 'was that really necessary to tell me that? Does she enjoy making people jealous?)

There was more to the conversation but that part just ticks me off, even to this day. I know, I need to let it go. Now days I would have said something to that, as kindly as possible of course. I don't like making people feel uncomfortable, but I would definitely say something now. As much as I love being treated (as Shalum would put it) like a dog turd lying in the middle of the road, that's no longer something I would let pass. Despite my anger over this situation, I love my friend dearly. I'm just having an angry moment.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

MERRY CHRISTMAS! (I know, I'm a few days past)

I hope everyone had a great Christmas! I did, for the most part. I have quite a bit of family here, so Shalum and I are always going from house to house during this time of year. Which is why it's been a few days since I've been on here. I've been crazy busy. I especially had a blast on Christmas Eve with my side of the family (well part of it). I always have so much fun when I get together with my sisters. My older sister was able to fly up from Albuquerque for the holiday! I also love spending time with Shalum's side of the family, but sometimes it just depresses me, which it did this year. There are so many children on his side, sometimes it's hard being around everyone. But at the same time I love being around all my nieces and nephews, I completely adore them. So it was sort of bitter sweet. But no matter how hard it gets sometimes, it won't stop me from spending time with them. In fact, a couple years ago one of my nephews asked his mom (Shalum's sister) if Shalum and I were to get a divorce, would I stop coming around. And Kim assured him that no way would that happen, I'm a part of the family no matter what happens. And that they would probably disown Shalum for divorcing me!
Moving on. I was thinking about what Keira had said about infertility being so hush hush around her. For me it's the opposite. It seems everyone and their dog are always asking me about it. Even when I don't want to. Sometimes it takes all that I have to tell them that if I want to talk about it, then I'll bring it up. But I know they have no intention of upsetting me, but on the days I'm already upset and angry over it, it just seems to make it that much harder. However you have to remember, I'm not one who likes to talk about my feelings or anything that's difficult for me. I think I just need to get over my mad spots, and not let things upset me so much. Especially when no one's trying to do so.
So on that note, I hope everyone has a happy New Year. And I will do my darndest to have one as well!

Candice

Friday, December 24, 2010

comforting the comfortless...

  On the last two posts Candice and I have put many things that are common phrases that people say to comfort us, and probably many others who suffer with infertility, which are not helpful, and many times irritate and aggravate rather than comfort and uplift. So, a comment was left on how can people comfort those of us struggling with infertility?
   In my own situation I have a few examples and suggestions that may help. Given, everyone is different, and needs and desires different things...
    For me, the absolute best thing is to be wrapped up in the arms of a loved one and for them to say something along the lines of how sorry they are that I have to go through this, and how they wish they could help, or take the hurt away. I also find great comfort when loved ones ask me about it, and we can talk about my infertility. I don't like being told what I need to do, or how I need to act, but just a genuine, concerned, and caring conversation.When everything is so hush hush and quiet about infertility and my situation it makes me feel like nobody cares, or understands.   Also, I have found a very few amount of people that know that certain situations are going to be painful and hard on me, and show me comfort right away. That makes me feel so good!! The fact that they know me, are aware of me, and care enough about me to give their comfort and love to me before my breakdown. One obvious painful and hard day for me is Mother's Day, and if we happen to get together for dinner with my inlaws on this particular day, my mother-in-law is so good to come to me and hug me and tells me she is sorry and that she loves me. I can't quite express into words how much I appreciate that simple gesture of love and acceptance. She was aware from the beginning that it would be a hard day for me, and she was willing to help me carry my burden.
   Also, when my oldest sister was expecting her 3 child, she was very sensitive to how Mike and I would take the news. She told us how sorry she was that we were struggling getting pregnant and how unfair that she was having her 3 child. She also said that she didn't understand why we were having to go through that, and how hard it must be for us. I can't quite remember everything that was said, but the most important thing was how she made us feel. No, it didn't take away the pain, but I knew without a doubt that she did really feel pain for us, and that she loved us, and was very sensitive to our feelings and what we needed.
    There has been many times when visiting family on both sides that people are not at all understanding, and that makes the pain harder to bear and the distancing ourselves more evident.
   It is not helpful when someone compares our situation and experience to someone else who may happen to handle the burden better, and basically tells us that we should be like that. It is not helpful when we are taking care of ourselves by staying a little back from family during hard situations and someone says that we are too busy feeling sorry for ourselves, and we need to just get over it, and quit acting like that.
  Are we not allowed to grieve the children we may never bear? Or what about the experiences that we are missing out on? Or what about the frayed relationships with siblings because of our inability to bear children, and no longer have anything in common?
  Infertility is vary hard and painful on both parts, whether you are the one who is infertile, or the one trying to comfort and help a loved one who is suffering.
  

Thursday, December 23, 2010

WORD OF THE DAY

Coinus Interruptus - The impact of infertility treatments on one's pocketbook.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

To my friend Keira

First off I just want to say... Keira, you were here in Elko and didn't stop to say hi for a second?! When are coming again? Next time you MUST see me.
Second...I know exactly how you feel. I think in the 7 plus years I've been married, a good portion of those days have been filled with feelings like that. Lately I've been so focused with our plans to foster that I haven't felt like that. But I know I'll still have days like that. I have 27 nieces and nephews. I take it hard everytime I find out one of my sisters-in-law are pregnant. I really took it hard when my nephew had a kid last January. So I know what you're going through. One time we were in Utah with Shalum's brother and his wife and they told me they were expecting, that they had just found out. I was waiting till we were driving back home so that I could cry without them being around (we went in separate vehicles) And then about 10 minutes later their truck broke down. And they had to travel back to Elko with us. It was an absolutely miserable day for me. I had a major headache from holding back all the tears because I refused to cry in front of them. It was just an all out awful day. Or when I found out my one sister-in-law was pregnant with her 15th child. I was so upset that she was having another one, but I couldn't even have just one child.
And don't forget the "want my kids?", "kids aren't all they're cracked up to be", "once you stop trying to get pregnant, then it will happen" (how do you stop trying to get pregnant when that's what you desperately want?), "you're lucky you didn't have children right away" (yeah, not my decision there), or since we're now trying to adopt "once you adopt you'll get pregnant". And really statistics show that that last one isn't very likely to happen. Sure it happens to some people, but not the majority. I also hate being told not to be bitter, or "why can't you just be happy for other people". If I want to be angry about it then I will. Considering they've never gone through infertility, don't tell me how I should feel. I have zero doubt that if they were to have gone through it, they would have had the very same feelings I've had. Everyone I know who has struggled with infertility have had bitter feelings.
So even though you feel as if you're alone (I've felt that way often) you're not. You at least have me. And I'm here for you to talk to, cry to, or yell at.
You know, writing this has made me a little angry, so I'm going to stop now.
Love you Keira Lee

Candice

so alone, and tired

   I am feeling so alone and isolated right now. Why, if millions of people suffer from infertility do I feel so alone? Why is everything so hush hush about infertility? Why when I spend time with family I come home feeling empty and depressed? These are a few of the many hard questions rambling through this head of mine...
     We went home to Spring Creek this last weekend to surprise my dad for his birthday. It was a quick trip as we had to get back to work. Everyone came out. All of us 6 kids, (minus a brother on a mission) and 4 spouses and all 13 grandkids. I completely immersed myself in the kids and did things I didn't really want to do just to keep busy. I had a complete blast! I had so much fun, but I always leave feeling empty. WHY?
     
     When we all get together it is always a reminder of what I am missing out on right now, and what I long for. The hardest thing is that my sisters and I have nothing in common anymore since their life is the life of a mother and staying at home and taking care of the kids. And my life is work, which to me seems so meaningless and depressing. I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything, which is why many times I hate being with family. And when I do have a lot of fun, I go home to a husband, a dog, and a job waiting for me to get back to, which leaves me feeling empty inside.  
    
    I really wish that someone could truly understand what I am going through, rather then trying to pretend that they understand and really care. Its such a hard thing to deal with and work through, and I feel like most people just blow it off like nothing. Or they try to give comfort by saying things like "It will happen" "Be patient" "As soon as you stop stressing about it, it will happen"
  
  Why when women are put here destined to grow up and be moms, do so many of us struggles with infertility? Why do I feel like less of a woman, because I am infertile? Why do i feel the need to apologize to my husband that I cannot provide him with the one thing he wants most, and then watch his tears fall after being let down?  And then as we hear of family and friends getting pregnant all around us, why do we have to stand strong and bear eachother up when I know we are both falling apart inside?  Today I am just too tired to stand strong and too tired to try pasting a smile on my face....
----keira

Monday, December 20, 2010

If I call it my...Peace Zone, may I stay?

We are all striving to have peace within ourselves despite the turmoil around us, so having a peace zone is a good thing right? Now I am one of those people who loves being in my comfort zone. I've got a nice comfy couch in my zone, a cutesy little lamp beside said couch, all the books a girl could want, zero stairs, flowers everywhere, a nice toasty wood stove... it's very cozy here. Oh and lets not forget the bubble wrap all around, for one, to keep me inside, and two, I fall alot. And when I am forcibly thrust out of my comfort zone, my stress knows no bounds. (When I say thrust, I don't mean some feeble little one arm shove. It's an all out Get Your Stinkin' Butt Out Of Here throw.) I am rarely willing to leave this zone of my own free will. And when I'm forced, I fight with all the strength that I've got. Unfortunately I'm a weakling. It's pathetic, really. So it's not really much of a fight. However Heavenly Father LOVES getting me out of my comfort zone. Which is why I am constantly being called into presidency positions in church. At the moment I am in my third presidency calling. Now if you know me, I'm pretty shy around people I don't know or around crowds, not to mention I've always been more of a follower than a leader. Again not to mention, if allowed, I tend to become a bit of a loner.
The reason I'm speaking of this is that, doing all these infertility treatments, going to all these different doctors, really got me out of my comfort zone. I hate going to doctors with a passion. I pretty much have to be dying to see one. So not to mention (hmm...I say not to mention alot, don't I? Oh well) not to mention :) all the dr. visits regarding infertility, I also had to get a physical for adoption and will have to again for fostering. I also am not fond of talking about such personal matters. (I'm well aware that if I were to get pregnant I would have to see a doctor regularly, however that would be different. I would do that joyfully.) In fact that reminds me (going back to the talking issue) of something my mom once said when I was still in high school. She said that she has one daughter who tells her too much, one daughter who doesn't tell her anything, and one daughter who is balanced right in the middle. You can probably guess by now that I was the daughter who didn't tell her anything. I am that way in most things. So I suppose this is one of the many (and I'm telling you, there are many) things I must overcome through this trial of infertility. Because one doesn't grow when one never leaves their comfort zone.
Candice

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Laughing through the pain

I came across these quotes that are hilarious! (at least they are to me)


"If a tree falls in the forest, can anyone hear it? If an infertile bangs her head against the wall in a bathroom at a baby shower, can anyone hear her?"

"Don't cry over spilt milk (unless you're crying because you don't have breast milk, then it's ok to cry)."

"Millions of couples suffer from infertility, so why the heck is everyone pregnant but me?" (I edited this one a bit)


BWAHAHAHA!

Friday, December 17, 2010

My difficult journey

Well I suppose since Keira shared her story I might as well too. I mean, I can't let her one up me. Just kidding. I am not at all the competitive type. It's just not my favorite thing to talk about. And if you know me, I don't usually like being serious. In fact, sometimes it's like pulling teeth to have a serious conversation with me. It makes me uncomfortable. I'm thinking it's either a genetics thing or how I was raised. I know my younger sister is the same way. And my dad's not much of a talker, so maybe we got it from him. So even though it's not easy telling it and I might not necessarily want to, but tell I will.
My journey has been similar to Keira's in some ways. I too have irregular periods, and when I do, I don't ovulate on my own. I went to a doctor after I'd been married about 10 months (we had been trying since we got married). So she started testing to see if I ovulated after each period, but I had to take some medication to get me regular. After six months of never ovulating, she still wanted to keep testing if I ovulated on my own. Clearly I wasn't. She couldn't figure that out after six months? So I decided if she wasn't going to help me, then I wasn't going to go to her. Some months later I went to a doctor in Utah. She had delivered two of my sister-in-laws babies, and when Kim had talked about me, her doctor told her to have me make an appointment with her and she would help me. So I did and she put me on clomid. Well after that didn't work, we went back to her. She put me on it again, by now it had been almost a year since I hadn't taken any clomid (one doctor had told me you need to wait a year before starting clomid again because it thins the uterine wall, or something) So I went on it again, but this time she started testing me to make sure I was ovulating, well I was, each time. She said that if I didn't get pregnant then Shalum needed to be tested because she didn't see any problem with me getting pregnant while on clomid. Well it didn't work. But I was hesitant to have Shalum tested because for one, I was convinced that I was the problem, and second, I had heard that it was harder....lets see how do I word this...basically the doctors had less of a chance to help us get pregnant if the problem was with the man than the woman...did that make sense? So I was afraid to have him tested and find out it was him. Shalum kept saying lets get me tested so we know for sure. But I was all no, it's not you it's me, so forget it. Well eventually I gave in and decided I wanted to know what our problem was more than not wanting to know. So we went to U of U had him tested and it turned out the biggest problem lay with him. And we were told they didn't have anything that would help his sperm. The doctor told us we had a 2-4% chance of getting pregnant on our own, well with me on clomid anyway. And a 20-25% chance of getting pregnant by way of artificial insemination (which she said is the chance that all couples with no fertility problems have each month) and we had about a 60% chance of getting pregnant through IVF (in-vitro fertilization). Well we weren't sure what we wanted to try first, the doctor recommended IVF for us. So she sent us away with clomid, to keep trying on our own until we made up our minds. We decided to try IVF, so we made an appointment with another doctor at the U. He examined my ovaries, and apparently I have a whole lot more egg sacs than most women. He said that they would need to be careful with me when giving me the medication to release a lot of eggs. Also when going through the process of IVF, they put you on birth control for two weeks, well I can't be on birth control due to me having protein C deficiency. But there was some other medication he was going to put me on. But after the exam he took us to his office to talk about our options. He said that he usually preferred trying artificial insemination before going on to IVF, but if we wanted to start with IVF that was fine. After talking with him some more, we decided to give AI a try first. After our first one, the hospital called us and said that if we wanted to get enough sperm to actually give us any chance, then Shalum would have to go in about 3 times prior to the insemination to provide more sperm to freeze, because there just wasn't enough. Well that's not feasible for us seeing that we live in Nevada and Shalum can't keep taking days off to run to Utah. So we stopped that. Now I was ready to move on to IVF, but now Shalum wasn't. He didn't want to spend $10,000-$13,000 and not have it work. After much talking and arguing, that has now been put off indefinitely. And we moved on to adoption. As said in another post we are going through LDS Family Services. Our profile is at www.itsaboutlove.org. We are waiting to get chosen. Just a couple weeks ago we decided to become foster parents and hope to adopt that way. Our training class is in January. We are also taking herbs to help boost Shalum's sperm and help me ovulate and become more regular. So hopefully we'll be able to have children soon. Over the years I have thought I was pregnant a few times. Two times really stick out in my mind when I really thought I was pregnant. One of the times, I was feeling sick and I went home early from church, but before I left, the bishop gave me a blessing, and in it he said that I have been given my answer. So I was convinced that the answer was yes! Well it wasn't, it had either been a no or a not right now. I took it hard. The other time I was experiencing a lot of pregnancy symptoms, apparently I wanted to be pregnant so bad my body started mimicking it. I took that really hard too. I have struggled over the years more than I could say. I once had a conversation with one of my sisters-in-law. She had lost her husband to cancer when they were just 26 years old, and had 4 little boys. She had said that growing up she always fantasized what her husband would be like, that was always her greatest desire. I hadn't actually given it any thought till she said that, but growing up I had always fantasized about my children. I always wanted a lot of children. I had names picked out when I was in elementary school. I always thought about it, and yes I wanted to get married and have a great husband, but growing up I saw that as a means to get the children that I wanted. So we were deliberating that maybe we are going through the trials we are because they were the ones that will help us learn that we need to accept our Father in Heaven's will. Maybe these were the trials that would hit us the hardest and be the hardest for us to accept. But learn we must. And even though I struggle and sometimes get angry, I have a strong testimony of the gospel and of our Lord, and Savior. And I know that if I endure through my trials and do my best to follow Christ, and not waiver in my faith, then all the blessings I desire in this life, will be given me tenfold in the next life. Some days, that's the only thing that gets me going, gets me out of bed, and gets me to church each Sunday. Sometimes I have a hard time going to church and being surrounded by mothers and babies, but I know that's where Heavenly Father wants me, and where I need to be. So even though I don't understand right now why I'm going through what I am, I am going to continue to have hope and faith, and even smile when I don't want to, that all will turn out well. I just need to trust in my Father in Heaven.


Candice

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Favorite Quote

This is my favorite quote that has really helped me gain and keep hope and peace throughout my infertility journey. It's by Jeffrey R. Holland:
" We must go forward. God expects you to have enough faith, determination, and trust in Him to keep moving, keep living, keep rejoicing. He expects you not simply to face the future; He expects you to embrace and shape the future-to love it, rejoice in it, and delight in your opportunities. God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But he can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream. In short, He can't if you don't believe."
     So, thats been my focus. To look forward with faith and trust in my Savior, no matter how hard that may be sometimes.
--Keira

change of plans

 When I was younger all I wanted to do is get married, have children and be a stay at home mother. As time went on I watched as my older brother and sisters all got married and got pregnant right away. I was super excited for them, as I,  for sure wanted the same thing for me. Well, I married Mike in April of 2005, and we both wanted and planned for children right away. After six months of trying unsuccessfully we went to see a family doctor to look at our options. He basically told us to come back after we had been trying a full year, because that's when they technically say you are infertile, and are willing to do the testing and start you out on your own infertility journey. Well, we left feeling sad, but after a year we went back. We decided to not go to an infertility dr. yet, because our insurance would not cover it, so we were hoping just a family dr. could do the basics. Well, he asked several questions, did an exam on me and because I have always had irregular periods he decided to start me on clomid and another medication. (can't remember what) The one medication helped me to start my period and as we had sex on a schedule to when I ovulated we were all very optimistic that I would get pregnant. I had to go in for tests after I started my period to be sure that I ovulated, and yep sure enough the clomid was doing its job. But, negative pregnancy tests and several tears later we were back to square one. I continued on a schedule to to stay on clomid for awhile with no luck. I would get my hopes up every month and then be tearfully let down. So, we stopped completely. Doing fertility treatments was so incredibly painful and hard. I hated it with a passion. I don't remember how everything went, so this may be little out of order, but I remember the frustrations and hopelessness that I felt. I was just beginning into the downward spiral of depression. I felt very alone and hated my life. My dreams were being put on hold with no answers from above as to why or how long, no matter how much I prayed. Well, because of financial issues, and all the frustration we put fertility treatments on hold, and decided to just figure out my irregular period issues, hoping that the rest would just fall into place. Well, unfortunately for us and fertility nothing just falls into place. So, I made an appointment with a gynocologist. She suggested that I be put on birth control for about 8-9 months and it would make me regular and then I could get pulled off and whabam! prego. Ha! I truly thought that this would be the end of all my frustrations, and  that I could be happy again. Well, despite how much I HATED the idea of choosing to take something that totally went against all my plans and dreams, I decided to do what it takes. It was worth a try. I went on it for 9 months and then I quit taking it. Well, month after month I still was not pregnant, and even though I was supposed to go back to my gyno for more testing and trying something else, I was done. I was just emotionally done.
    So, it has now been a few years since I have done anything medical to try to get pregnant. I despised the very little and limited fertility treatments we did, and could not been happier since I quit. Someday I will go back and dig deeper and do more complex and expensive things, but for now I am trying to live my life, and create other dreams and  goals that can help me become a better mother when that time comes.  I have felt so much peace and comfort the past year, and I know that it comes from my Heavenly Father. I have had many tender mercies over the last 5 1/2 years of trying unsuccessfully. I know that He is aware of me, and that He knows what is best for me. It has been incredible to look back in my journal entries of the first 2 years of our marriage, and I am a completly different person now. My outlook on life has changed and I feel joy in what the future holds for Mike and I. I still have very trying days, and days that I hope and want to be a mom so bad that I physically ache, but as I turn to the Savior and trust in Him, it gets better. I am hoping that as I write my innermost thoughts and feelings down here I will gain a greater understanding of why I have been asked to carry this load, and that as I have hard days I can get peace from reading posts of hope and joy in the future. 
-Keira

Crooked Storks

My husband, Shalum, and I have been trying to get pregnant for over 7 years. We keep knocking at the door and calling the stork agency, but no one ever answers, no one's ever there. I suppose all their workers are already en route to other homes. Or maybe they're just ignoring us, and laughing at our persistence. So we decided to take matters into our own hands...so basically we're doing the storks job. And paying more for it as well. This just seems wrong. Stupid storks are still getting paid without actually doing anything. 


At this moment we are hoping to adopt. We have an adoption profile with LDS Family Services and we are going to become foster parents and hope to foster to adopt! Hopefully these venues will work out for us. We are still trying to conceive as well, but so far that hasn't panned out. We'll let you know how that works out. I keep shaking the magic 8 ball, but it comes back with either a 'my reply is no', 'outlook not so good', and on occasion 'reply hazy, try again'. Which that last one really ticks me off. Don't give me any false hope, even if it's a hazy hope! 


So basically what this post is for is to bash on these scamming storks! I'm telling you, don't trust them. They'll try to get away with anything, I just know it.


Candice

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Post Numero Uno

Trials come to everyone's lives, and each person handles them differently. But we all can endure through them and overcome them if we trust in our Heavenly Father. We need to pray to him and ask him to help us, ask him to give us the strength we need. A lot of times we don't understand why we are going through certain trials. I like this quote by Joseph Smith and wanted to share it. 


"I cannot learn much for certainty in the situation that I am in, and can only pray for deliverance until it is meted out and take everything as it comes with patience and fortitude."
~Joseph Smith


Candice