Faith and Infertility

I just read an article in the April Ensign titled 'Faith and Infertility.' It's about four couples who struggle with infertility, the grief they felt, and how they maintained their faith through it all.

It isn't always easy to have this faith through infertility. You really do have so many ups and downs. And the downs are so low that it's hard to get out sometimes. These couples expressed so many feelings and thoughts that I have had over the years. About feeling lost and having no purpose in life. Wondering why being denied something so important. Feeling broken. Feeling abandoned and forsaken. Being angry at oneself, husband, and God. Having to listen to women say they are thankful that God trusted them with a child and sitting there wondering why God doesn't trust me. Feeling left out. And thinking that if I have enough faith then surely I'll have a child, I'll get pregnant.

The article talks about turning to each other and not letting it cause a rift in your marriage. Being a support for one another. Because often times you struggle at different times than your spouse. Being united in your marriage. Taking more time for each other. Get out and do things, go on dates, travel. It also talks about the importance of physical intimacy and how important that plays in your marriage.

What can help you get through the hard times of infertility is learning new things, pursuing self-improvement projects, and service. Look outside yourself and serve others and uplift them, and find joy in doing this. Have a support network, whether it's family, friends, support groups. It really does help when you're able to find other people who are dealing with it as well, at least it has helped me.

And then above all, looking to the Lord. I like what one of the women said in this article. She said "I finally realized that infertility wasn't a punishment. Once I was past the point of anger and bitterness, I was willing to hear the Spirit and receive direction about what we were supposed to do. Of course, that comes at different points for everyone. Infertility was my refiner's fire. My faith was strengthened through those difficult years." We need to trust in the Lord and turn this over to Him, no matter the outcome or the direction we're sent. Whether the answer is yes, no, or not right now, we need to trust in the Lord and realize He knows what He's doing even if we don't necessarily like it.

There was one quote in this article that really spoke to me. "When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as the result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren't healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith-promoting experience. The second is faith-perfecting." Even though, for me, it's sometimes hard having the faith to get through this, it has never, not once, left completely, it has only been tried. I don't need my faith to just simply be strengthened, but perfected.

I am so glad this article was in the Ensign this month. That they are aware of how much this is needed for me and others like me. It was seriously an answer to my prayers. Reading this has uplifted me. At this moment I truly feel God's awareness of me, and I know He has not forsaken me. I know I am being perfected through this, and this is because He really does love me. And I am thankful for this knowledge and for the Spirit testifying this to me.

~Candice

The reason for trials

Keira, I was wondering where you'd gone to. You know I go through the exact same cycles. And unfortunately the 3rd cycle is the shortest for me. Sometimes I even skip that one (I know, shame on me). It's hard. And I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I'll accept being childless. I feel empty thinking of my future with no children. I believe that because we're members of Christ's church, we will perhaps be challenged more. Testing our faith. Making us strong and unwavering in our testimonies. These are the type of members that the church needs. Heavenly Father is separating the wheat from the chaff. So even though we don't understand why this is our trial in life we need to continue enduring through them and find peace with our lots. Like you said, this is part of our refiner's fire. I just pray that I can grow and become a better person through this. And when I meet Jesus Christ, I hope that I'll have done all that I could in this life and hear him say the words 'well done my good and faithful servant.'

My Silver Lining

The last few days have been really hard on me. Sunday afternoon I found out my younger sister is pregnant. It crushed me. How could this happen? I was supposed to have a child first. Why am I being denied this? These thoughts and many more have been going through my mind constantly since then. They had come over after I was out of church and we sat at my table talking for a while, and then they dropped the bomb. I immediately started crying, and told them not to look at me. So as they had their heads turned, I was crying, Tamra was crying, and Tyler was talking of inconsequential things. I'm glad he did that, it eventually helped distract me and get my tears in check. I really do hate crying in front of people. I avoid it as much as possible.

I wanted to broach the subject of IVF with Shalum again, but knew he wouldn't go for it because of the expense of it. So I wasn't bringing it up, even though I desperately wanted to. Monday afternoon, Shalum said that we'll start saving up and do IVF (he doesn't want to use the money we have saved right now. He wants it for adoption and to be able to fall back on it if need be). I was shocked that he was on board with this again. Hearing of their pregnancy hit him hard as well. So we are going to go forward with IVF sometime this year. I'm so excited for this! We also know of a clinic that has a 100% money back guarantee if it fails.

This is my silver lining on my clouds of despair. If Tamra hadn't gotten pregnant, I don't think Shalum would be considering IVF. And I hope desperately that it works the first time. I'm tired of feeling crushed.

Also on a side note: In a week and a half we are traveling down to Las Vegas for a few days to meet with our new adoption agent.

~Candice

cycling through

  Hi! It has been a long time since Candice or I have posted anything. Hopefully that means good news and happy spirits on her part, but as for me...well, I just don't have access to a computer since I am not working at the time. I have had quite a bit of time for soul searching, and really earnest prayer. Today I have had a breakthrough with my feelings and how and why I cycle through them. I have come to learn of three emotions and stages that I go through. The first one I had been stuck in for a very long time when we first learned that we were infertile, is anger and depression. I get to the point that I long and ache for my family so deeply, and the fact that I am being required to wait depresses and angers me. It starts small and it just builds and builds. If I let it go long enough I am so enveloped in these emotions that I am angry at myself, God, and everyone around me. Basically,  life is miserable and that is a HUGE understatement. The second stage is to just push everything aside and not think about it at all. I get to the point that I get so swallowed up in my grief that I cannot emotionally, physically, or spiritually handle it. So, instead of moving past it and trying to overcome it I just push it all out of my mind. It helps me to enjoy my life as it is right now and be happy rather than focusing on what I don't have and the pain that comes with it. The last stage that I am trying to focus on is the blessings and purpose of my infertility. With that is finding out what my Heavenly Father would have me do during this time of my life. I am not overburdened with kids or super busy all the time, and so I am focusing on having the faith and trusting in my Heavenly Father and His plan for me. I cannot change my infertility, but I can grow and progress in other aspects of my life. I have come to realize that I am being refined to the person that Heavenly Father wants me to be. If I had been blessed with children right away, like I wanted, I would not have learned the lessons of faith and trusting in my Heavenly Father like I needed. He is working on me and has been for the last 6 years to make me better and stronger. So my question, why am I fighting it? Why am I hating it? He knows what is best for me and has shown that to me over and over again. So, why do I struggle and fight?
    I read an article in the Ensign about infertility and there was something in there that really hit me hard, as I have had similar thoughts throughout my struggles.  "For awhile I thought that if I had enough faith, I would be cured. But sometimes having faith means trusting in and listening to the Lord even when we are not cured. What we want won't always match what He has planned for us. The writer then recalls a talk by a memeber of her bishopric concerning faith: "When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as a result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren't healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith-promoting experience. The second is faith-perfecting."
  I know that my struggle with infertility has been and continues to be like my refiners fire. I don't know how long I will be asked to endure this, but I am striving to have the faith and trust that I need to be able to get through it. I have learned a lot in the near 6 years that we have been trying, and I look back on old journal entries, and it is amazing how much I have grown and changed. I have really been striving to find joy in my journey, and it has made me a completely different person. I know that I will still continue to have hard days where I feel like I can't continue on with this. But I know it is just one of the stages of my infertility cycle. I hope that as I focus on faith and hope that my anger and depression stage will come around much less often , and when it does it won't stay long.
~keira

I got myself into this.

The lesson in Young Women's today at church was about the purpose of life. The three questions 'where did we come from?', 'why are we here?', and 'where are we going?' were brought up. It was mentioned that while we were in the pre-existence we had chosen, or at the very least agreed to, the challenges that we now face. I have thought about this a great deal over the years, and I just have one question....WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS I THINKING TO CHOOSE OR AGREE TO INFERTILITY?! WAS I CRAZY?! So that's how I feel some days, ok lets be honest, most days. But I know I did agree to this challenge, and I know that my pre-existence self knew a whole lot more than I do now. I probably knew that I needed this challenge, that perhaps this was the only challenge that would wake me up and help me learn what I need to and really progress to where I need to be. But I hate it. I hate this challenge. Some days it's all encompassing. And this is where my faith must kick in. I know in my head that this is somehow for my benefit and if I endure through it and overcome this trial, then I will be blessed beyond my imagination. But my heart doesn't always feel this. But strangely, it is a bit of a comfort to know that I did choose this trial. It wasn't forced on me, I made the decision. I knew what I was going to be faced with on this earth, and I willingly accepted it.
~Candice

mormon.org

This post has nothing to do with infertility, just so you know. For those of you who are LDS, if you go to mormon.org and create a profile (if you haven't signed onto lds.org yet, you'll need to get your confirmation # and baptism date from your ward clerk, at least if my memory is correct that's the info you need. But if you have signed on, use that username and password to create your profile.) This profile on mormon.org is for non-members to get on and learn about the gospel and the members. You just tell about yourself, why you're a member, your testimony, etc. It's really cool. I suggest all of you do this. And for anyone who reads this who is not a member, but would like to learn more about our church, mormon.org is a great place to go.

 mormon.org