The ant and the contact lens: A true story.

Brenda was almost halfway to the top of the tremendous granite cliff.  She was standing on a ledge where she was taking a breather during this, her first rock climb.  As she rested there, the safety rope snapped against her eye and knocked out her contact lens.

'Great', she thought.  'Here I am on a rock ledge, hundreds of feet from the bottom and hundreds of feet to the top of this cliff, and now my sight is blurry.'  She looked and looked, hoping that somehow it had landed on the ledge.  But it just wasn't there. 

She felt the panic rising in her, so she began praying.  She prayed for calm, and she prayed that she might find her contact lens.  When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but it was not to be found.  Although she was calm now that she was at the top, she was saddened because she could not clearly see across the range of mountains.  She thought of the bible verse 'The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth.'

She thought, 'Lord, You can see all these mountains.  You know every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is.  Please help me.'

Later, when they had hiked down the trail to the bottom of the cliff they met another party of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff.  One of them shouted out, 'Hey, you guys!  Anybody lose a contact lens?'

Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the climber saw it?  An ant was moving slowly across a twig on the face of the rock, carrying it!
The story doesn't end there.  Brenda's father is a cartoonist.  When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a cartoon of an ant lugging that contact lens with the caption, 'Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing.  I can't eat it, and it's awfully heavy.  But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it for You.' 

I think it would do all of us some good to say, 'God, I don't know why You want me to carry this load.  I can see no good in it and it's awfully heavy.  But, if You want me to carry it, I will.' 

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
Yes, I do love GOD.  He is my source of existence and my Savior.  He keeps me functioning each and every day.  Without Him, I am nothing, but with Him...I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. (Phil. 4:13)
 
My mom sent me this forward, and it was when I was in the middle of my overwhelming amount of grief and pain from my own trial. It made me cry. I know that there is a reason that I have to go through the pain and suffering of infertility, but there is a reason. I am learning and growing. My faith is being tested, and I have to keep going in order to come out on top. I hope others who are also struggling with whatever it may be can find comfort in this story. Loves to all.
~Keira

Thanks...such a small word with a lot of feeling.....

I just got back on the blog today, and was completely surprised with all the comments and love and support after my last post. I do have a couple friends who struggle with the same thing, and it is great to always hear from them and their love and support. But, I was also pleasantly surprised to hear from someone whom I do not know personally, but knows Candice, and she shared her advice and gave a huge amount of support. I love it that there are people that read this blog that have no idea who I am, but they care about me and my personal struggles. That is HUGE! Isn't that what this life is all about anyway? Supporting, lifting, and strengthening eachother through our trials? Anyway, I was just completely touched with the support and strength I have received, and felt like I needed to thank you all.
~Keira

Keira and I are both having difficulties with family members. With her failed adoption some of her family haven't shown any sympathy whatsoever. They weren't bothering to call and say how sorry they are for them, from my understanding at least. With me and the situation with my sister's pregnancy, I'm getting phone calls from family members talking about how exciting it is and how I should be excited, and they are trying to make me feel guilty for feeling absolutely devastated. Although they'll probably tell you I'm just putting words in their mouths. I don't need to hear how I should be excited to be an aunt. I'm already an aunt to 27 (soon to be 30) and a great aunt to 1. I don't want to just keep being an aunt, I want to be a mother. So don't tell me I should feel excited and happy, because right now, I don't. And don't make me feel guilty for feeling that way. Don't tell me I shouldn't be bitter, because you clearly have no comprehension of what I'm going through and how hard I am struggling. Unless you've actually walked down my road and can honestly say you've never been angry or bitter over the situation, THEN you can tell me how I should be feeling. But until then, back off and learn some compassion. We're already struggling enough as it is, we don't need our families to make us feel worse about ourselves. Our hearts are breaking, so just please try to understand that. What we need, as Keira has stated, is love and support from you. That's it. And I'm not directing this post at any one person, it's at a number of people. I'm not trying to offend anyone or hurt feelings, I'm simply stating my mind. And I don't know if you noticed, because I'm subtle like that, but I'm angry. So very angry right now.

infertility suffering...not enough! Bring on more pain and hurt, because I am not carrying enough!

Wow. It is amazing to me how incredible I can feel one day and how horrible the next. I have been struggling and really suffering and hurting the past couple of days. We have found out that we will not be getting the baby that we were hoping for in June. I have really had a hard time with this. We really felt like it was going to work out and we were preparing, and day dreaming about it almost constantly. I am embarrased to say that we had actually gone out and bought some baby things, because we really had thought that this was it. We had prayed, fasted too many times to count and gone to the temple numerous times. We both felt like we had gotten a yes answer from Heavenly Father, and then come to find out, it all falls through, and the grandparents are gonna be raising him. Why would this happen? Why would we feel so good about it and feel like it was the right thing to do and that everything would work out, and then not? Really? Were we not suffering enough as it was,  trying and failing for the past six years, that we need this rubbed in our already sore wounds? When we first found out that we would not be getting him, I tried so hard to be strong, and I did not want to feel the hurt and the pain that I knew would come shortly. I called my mom, and let her know, and I cried a little, but really was feeling pretty ok, as I was trying to bury my feelings deep down. The next day and on have been EXTREMELY hard. I feel like I have cried nonstop. When I am not crying I am stuffing my face with crap food, or I am spending money that I really should not be spending, or I am sleeping. That is basically what my days have consisted of. So, if I am not feeling sadness from the loss, I am feeling guilty about spending money or eating crap, which then leads me to feel horrible about myself! I have seriously gained about 8 pounds, my clothes are tighter, and I look in the mirror with a look of disgust and tell myself how fat and ugly I am.  It is a horrible downward spiral that I am on, and I am not sure how to get myself out of this. I have never felt so much hurt and pain in my life. Having infertility as a trial is very hard and painful, but for the past 6 years I have handled it pretty well. I however do not do well in getting my hopes up, and then crashing to the ground. This whole thing has been so hard. So, so, so hard! Mike and I have both been trying to cling to the knowledge that we won't be tested more than we can handle. So, Heavenly Father knows I can handle this and come out on top, but I sure don't. I want nothing more than to sink into a dark hole, and just forget everything.  My pain and hurt has been bad enough, but to watch Mike and see the hurt in his eyes, just about kills me. It rips my heart out. Why have we been asked to carry this load? Why? It seems too hard and impossible, and yet we are supposed to carry on and enjoy the journey? Really?  Can't really find any joy in my journey at this point. ALOT of pain and dissapointments, but not  really feeling worth it. How sad.
     One of the biggest problems with this whole experience is the lack of comfort and support that Mike and I have gotten. Family and friends don't know how to react. They feel bad when our moms have told them, but they don't know what to say to us or to do. Really, all we need right now is love and support. We need to know that we have friends and family out there who love us, are sorry we have to go through this, and let us know that. Don't just sit there and not say anything. We feel alone as it is. We need you. We need to know that you care. This experience, instead of bringing family closer together, it has driven us away. Yes, we have talked things through and worked things out, but the hurt remains, and will take time to work through. It bothers me ALOT when people find out that the adoption fell through, and their first response is "so, you gonne keep trying" Really? Is that all you can say? Is your head filled with sand?  People, we have been trying, and failing and trying to get pregnant for the last 6 years. We have struggled with this. Everyone who knows us at all knows how hard this has been on us. It has tested us far more than you can imagine. It has caused me to be a very bitter and angry person, something that I am trying so hard to overcome. It has driven me to my knees so many times when I can't take it anymore and I cry to Heavenly Father for what seems like hours. It has caused me to distance myself from friends and family members, which in turns makes me feel alone and isolated. My heart has been hurting, and aching, and been broken, because of the fact that we may never be able to have kids. And yet, all you can say when you find out that our hope of adoption fell through is " you gonna keep trying?"  Seriously, you people need a wake up call! Learn some sensitivity! Read in the scriptures where it says mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. Give us time to grieve and hurt and cry before you expect us to pick up the broken pieces and move on. It may be as little as a week before we set up with an adoption agency, but it may be as long as 10 years. We don't know. Right now, it is hard to tell because my heart hurts so bad, but 10 years seems more like the plan. We shall see how long it takes to heal this seemingly unhealable heart. Please be patient. Pray and fast for us if you want things to move along sooner, because pressuring me to do it will just drive me away. I have to take care of myself, and right now the best I know how is to forget the whole adoption or fertility treatments at all, and try to bury myself in the things I love to do.
~Keira

changes

Well, it has been quite some time since I have gotten on here and taken the time to write a post. Mike and I have been busy. Just to do a little update, Mike and I are in the process of hoping to adopt a little baby. When the idea was presented to us, we were very excited and hopful with the opportuntiy, but never realized all that it would entail. I have finally gotten the email from our social worker with all the requirements, and it is a list, if I have ever seen one. There is so much to do, and so many things to pass in order to qualify. Its completely understandable, but I had just never thought about it. Needless to say, when I first saw what we need to do, I was completely overwhelmed. However, I have gotten a lot of peace and guidance from the spirit. It has been an incredible journey thus far in just preparing. Mike and I have fasted several times a week, and gone to the temple several times a week as well. It has been an awesome spritual experience. If nothing else, we have strengthened our testimonies and have learned and grown closer together. With that, Satan is trying so hard to cause as much strife as possible. I have found that when I am not on guard at all times and not praying without ceasing, Satan is right there to jump in and take over. That is when doubt, frustration, and discouragement all take over. Seriously, this has been a life changing experience, and we don't even know if we will get the baby or not. Just a learning and growing experience. It has made us see just how much Heavenly Father loves each of us, and is so intimately involved in our everyday lives. Most times we may be too busy to see Him, but He is there, always there. We are so grateful for this opportunity that we have, and for the peace and comfort we have felt. Thanks to all who have been praying and fasting for us!
~Keira

I just wanted to share this

My cousin Shawn and his wife Jessica (who have been struggling with infertility for over 8 years) were chosen to adopt back in February, the due date in July (I think), but unfortunately the adoption fell through. I'm feeling pretty heartbroken for them, and can only imagine how heartbroken they are feeling right now. So if you could keep them in your prayers that would be very much appreciated (I know most of you who read this have no idea who they are, but I'm sure they could use all the prayers that they can get right now).
 ~Candice

THE STORY

I'm dedicating this song to Shalum and Mike. They understand our ups and downs, because they have them as well. They have stayed by our sides, even when we're at our worst. They are always there helping us and comforting us, making us smile even when we don't feel like smiling. They know how heart broken we are, because they are too. Only they know just how difficult infertility is on us, because they are there with us day in and day out, just as we know how difficult it is on them. But we know we can get through this, as long as we have each other. We were made for them, just as they were made for us.

We love you husbands of ours with all our hearts.

You are the wind beneath our wings.

(I know, that was really corny. But I specialize in corniness. It keeps life from getting too dull. And if Shalum were here right now he'd be giving me a weird look and telling me I'm a retard.)

Seriously, WHY?!

Why can't my optimism last more than a few days!!!??? I was doing really good, feeling really good, and having a great attitude about my situation. And then last night it all came crashing down when I found out my sister is having twins. I was beginning to accept that she was pregnant and I am not, and then I hear this, and I am not doing ok anymore. I am so angry and upset. I want to know why I can't get pregnant. Why I can't have children. And why she gets to have two when I can't even have one. It is so blasted unfair. I want to know what I've done wrong. That's how I'm feeling right now, that I'm being punished. Why, when families are so important, that I am not allowed to have one? It doesn't make sense to me.
~Candice

Meeting with our caseworker

Shalum and I went to Las Vegas over the weekend to meet our new caseworker. She told us that a few months ago a girl was in there looking at profiles and she said the girl probably would have picked us if we had lived in Vegas. The girl wanted someone close to her...but then shortly after she had the baby and placed it with a couple in Vegas, she ended up moving out of state anyway. I wanted to cry when she told me that. It's nice to know that they are showing our profile, but it is so discouraging knowing that no one is choosing us. But after meeting with our caseworker, I'm feeling quite optimistic, despite what we heard about the girl.
~Candice

It has been a long hard week. Its that vicious cycle that I have been going through for the past several years. It is really no surprise that I have been having a downer since this saturday is our 6 year anniversary. 6 years of ups and downs of my infertility journey. 6 years of waiting, hoping, and more waiting. 6 years. 6YEARS!! I really can't believe that it has been that long, but at the same time it feels like this trial has gone on forever. Basically, because it has, and it still continues on with no end in sight. I have found that when I start looking for the positive things that have come through this trial, I start to feel peace. I feel so much more love and happiness in my life and the world around me. My spirit is lifted and my eyes are open to the love that my Heavenly Father and Savior have for me. It brings me closer to them, and the tender mercies I have been given throughout.
      With that, I have come to learn that Satan comes and gets me feeling discouraged, and down which then takes me away from the love and closeness I had been feeling. Well, thats what describes my last couple of weeks. Last Sunday I really had a breakdown. I was frustrated about my trial with infertility as well as my constant battle and trial with my shoulder. I felt completely alone and worst of all I felt forgotten. I felt like Heavenly Father had forgotten about me, and had left me to deal with my trials alone. What a horrible thought! I have battled shaking this thought since then. I kept thinking that with everything else going on in the world and with every other persons trials, that I, with my struggles and sufferings have been put on the back burner in a sense.  I have really had a hard time. Even though I know for a fact that I am learning and growing so much through this, I hate it. I absolutely hate being in  it. And, not so much the infertility (although that is bad enough), but the not knowing. Honestly, if I knew that I would never have my own kids in this life, it would be much easier. I could grieve, move on, and do other things in my life. Look to adoption, or surrogacy or whatever. But, I feel like I never know if, or when it will happen. So, the hope is there, and the let down year after year and anniversary after anniversary. How do I get out of this rut? How do I really feel the peace and comfort of my own situation?
These are some of the questions I have been thinking about and pondering. I just need to keep plugging along.     
        I have also really had a hard time when people surrounding us don't seem to understand or be supportive of us.  Something that I really struggle with is that with some people who know of our struggle are not understanding to our needs. Their attitude is taken in a way that I have no right to feel sad or grieve or struggle with my infertility if I am not actively doing something about it. I need to be doing treatments, or working towards adoption, or else I can't be sad. HELLO??? Really? Maybe its not the right time to do treatments or adoption. But, I am still gonna be sad that I have to go through this, and that it is not happening natural for me as it does for most women. I need to be quite frank when I say that the decision of treatments or adoption is between us and the Lord.  Sorry everyone, for letting you down. Nope, you are not included in helping us decide what is best for us and when it is best for us. This does not meant that I don't want to talk to you about it. I would love to talk to anyone about our plans and our decisions, but I want you to understand that they are our decisions, and I will have you respect that decision, whether you think it is right for us, or not. Give us your advice or words of wisdom, but then please respect our decision and don't make us feel like we are incompetent and are not capable of making the right choice for us.
     We feel that it is right to wait, at this time. That does not mean that because we have felt that this is the right thing for us, that it won't be hard. Believe me, IT IS HARD.  So we are preparing for adoption or extensive treatments EVENTUALLY, when that time comes.  But, with preparing, comes saving and looking towards the future. The prophets have said time and time again that we need to be saving and living below our means. So, for us that does not include fertility treatments at this time. So, for now we wait, and plan, and save. Saving to us means buying what you need and really nothing else. We make some exceptions, but for the most part, we go without or do without the trips, vacations, and unnecessary expenses, in order to be able to save the money for our future treatments/and or adoption. This does not mean that we are not working towards our future with children. WE ARE!  We actively are, as we work and scrimp, and save to be more ready and prepared for when the time comes naturally to have a baby or when the time comes to do extensive treatments or adoption. We will be more prepared, and really isn't that the purpose of this life....to prepare?
-Keira