Welcome! This is a blog for Keira and Candice to speak of all our woes. Ha! Not exactly. We both struggle with infertility. This is our way of keeping in touch and being a support for one another. Here is where we share our thoughts, our feelings, our struggles, our hopes, and our dreams. We have often asked ourselves 'why not us?' We would sure like to know what happened to our storks. So if anyone with similar struggles visits this blog, just know YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Although at times it sure feels like it, doesn't it? Hopefully this may help you as well.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

:) continued...

I have been waiting to see how many of you I can keep waiting and for how long...;) No, I am kidding. We have had some unforseen challenges this past week and a half, and I have had zero time to post. I am sorry to keep you all waiting.
    So, the past month has been awesome! It all started with an open heart at work one day, and I was open to any and all inspiration and comfort from the spirit, and it just flowed all day long! It was so incredible! I was able to think about where I am at in life, where I want to be, and what I need to change to get there. I have been thinking about how I have changed since our failed adoption 4 months ago. I went into very severe depression. Not even kidding, my days consisted of eating, crying, and sleeping. It has been terrible! I have struggled a lot with my testimony since it all happened. Let me explain: When we were presented with the opportunity to adopt, I can honestly say there was much fasting and prayer. Along with that, we went to the temple several times a week.  I prayed to know if what we were doing was right and that we are to go ahead and move forward to prepare for this adoption. I received a blessing that I would be able to discern the feelings and thoughts of my mind from those of the spirit. In that blessing I was promised that I would receive my answer soon, and that it would be so obvious that I would have no room to doubt, even when Satan would try (as he does) to put that doubt in my mind later, I would know for sure the confirmation of the Spirit.  Well, as was promised, I received my answer. It was the most incredible confirmation I have ever gotten. I knew that what we were doing was right, and I felt the peace and comfort from the Spirit. So, we moved ahead with all the preparations.  I felt at the time, that my answer meant that yes, indeed we were going to get this baby boy. So, it came as quite a shock when it all fell through. I felt completely misled from Father in Heaven. How could He give me the confirmation I had received, and yet have this all fall through?
It was then that I really began to doubt. As the doubt started small, I let it stay and it progressed to different aspects of my testimony. I have never had real faith-wavering trials. Yes, I have gone through hard things in life, but nothing that I felt was real faith-wavering. Well, this experience was faith-wavering for me. As I was doubting my testimony, and the truthfulness of the gospel, I started distancing myself from the things and people I needed most. I stopped being able to feel close to the Spirit. I read my scriptures, and I prayed, but with no real meaning. I did it because I knew it was what I needed to keep doing. As the weeks went by, I started worrying, because even though I was reading scriptures, praying, going to church, I wasn't really feeling anything.  So, I decided that when fast sunday came around I desperately needed to fast for my own testimony, and that I could feel the Spirit. That day at church, I felt the Spirit so strong. In many of the testimonies borne, and the lessons taught, I was able to feel and know of my own testimony. It was then that I realized that I still had a testimony, it was just buried underneath feelings of doubt, anger, and pain. Since that fast, I have had amazing experiences with the Holy Ghost testifying different things to me. I have gotten answers to years of prayers as I have read and pondered on the scriptures.
   In fact, it was in the scriptures that I received a litle bit of light and my eyes were opened. I am reading in Alma where Alma and Amulek are preaching, and the preaching is not going over well with some. Many people believed, and the women and children who believed were taken and thrown into a fire, and Alma and Amulek were forced to watch them burn. It was in the middle of watching these innocent people burn and die because of their beliefs in God that you see Amulek falter a little bit. He says to Alma "How can we watch this horrible scene?" He basically suggests that they save them. That it is too much to have to endure that. Alma then tells him that the Spirit constraineth him to save them, and that God is receiving these souls unto Himself in glory. As I thought about that after reading all that Alma and Amulek had gone through in being thrown into prison, spit upon, hit, etc. I was completely amazed at how strong they were. Even in the middle of the most horrible trials, they were strong in their faith. They did not shrink. Why? It was in the trials that they had to endure that made them strong to be able to endure some of the most horrible things, and not falter in their faith and testimonies.
  I loved that! So, I have thought about many people who I have looked up to and thought how amazing they are and how strong they are in their testimonies, and when you think about it, all of these people were forced to endure some really hard trials. That is why they are strong. That is why they can endure and continue in faith even in the midst of hard, faith-wavering trials. That is how God molds us to become a strong, faithful people.
  I have been listening to the talk "Because He First Loved Us" by Henry B. Eyring and in that he talks about trials and testing of our faith, and he quotes from the scriptures: You receive no witness until after the trial of your faith. Yes! That is so true! I have endured some things that I have felt that I could not come out on top, and that I felt were damaging my testimony, and faith, but I see now how much stronger I am. I know w/out a doubt of the truthfulness of the gospel. I know that God lives and He loves each of us, and as we go through trials, He is helping us to be stronger and to stretch our faith. It is all for our good.
  I have looked back, and been so grateful for our failed adoption. It has helped me to see where I am at in my testimony and faith, and where I need to be. It has given me hope, instead of pain and despair. I am beginning to trust in my Heavenly Father's plan for me. He is helping me to be more than I could even hope for!
  I have felt so good, and been able to see good even through hard times. I love the hope the gospel offers, and the answers we are entitled to receive as long as we are doing our part to seek.
 Thanks to all who back me up, and help me through.
Love, Keira

Thursday, August 25, 2011

:)

So, I have had some of the most incredible, eye opening experiences lately! I feel so good and am so happy!
To all who know me: I AM BACK......! ;)
 I will post more later and tell you all what has been going on, but I have to get to work right now. Thanks to all who continue to support and love me, even through the hard times.  Thank you for your unfailing faith in me, and your many prayers in my behalf. I wouldn't be where I am without all of you! I love ya'll more than I can express.
~Keira

Friday, August 19, 2011

Another one bites the dust

Well, another adoption fell through. It didn't go as far as the one that failed last month. It went about as far as Keira's had gone. For a few weeks the chances of the adoption taking place had been about 90%. So we were really excited. But then a few problems have cropped up and the adoption won't be taking place. And I've known there were problems for about a month and that the chances of the placing happening were getting pretty slim. But I didn't realize how much hope I was harboring until a little bit ago when I was told that it's not going to happen. I was fairly sure it wouldn't happen, but like I said, I had more hope than I had realized. When I found out for sure that it fell through, my heart dropped more than I thought it would. I think maybe it hurts more because I'm still...how should I put this...trying to recover from the failed adoption last month, and so my heart is more sensitive at the moment. And I've got my sister's baby shower to go to tomorrow. I feel like I can't get a break right now.
~Candice

Thursday, August 18, 2011

So I have decided that I really like my hair, how I dyed it. At first I was unsure about it but now I'm loving it. So I thought I'd show anyone who was interested in what it looks like. Although it looks a lot more red in person...well more a purplish red. But I love it.
Oh, I also had bangs cut a couple weeks ago, and I love having them as well. 
Soooo...there you have it :)

Thursday, August 11, 2011

What was meant to be a major change, ended up not so much :(

So, since the adoption fell through I have been having a really hard time. Sometimes I'm ok but then sometimes I'm really not. It almost feels like it's getting worse. So I decided I needed a change, something drastic. Soooo.... I dyed my hair. I was wanting a really intense, vibrant red. But since I was just doing a home dye, I decided not to bleach (who knew how it would have turned out). So I decided I could handle a more subtle red. But my dang hair is just too dark and so it's now too subtle. Plus my hair isn't taking to it very well. It's supposed to last 1-6 months. I think I'll be lucky if it makes it to 2 weeks. AND instead of being a subtle red, it's more a subtle purplish pink. Which I'm ok with. Next, I'm going blue streaks. When I decided to dye my hair, I started putting all of my focus and energy into it, because I felt like I was going to have some sort of break down and I NEEDED to do something different, something drastic, to take my mind off my situation. I thought this would help for a few weeks. I dyed it last night...and today I am crashing. It didn't help for the amount of time I was hoping. Now I feel like I need something else.
So what is this something else? I am going to get a dog! I've been bugging Shalum about getting a dog for a few years now, but since he's not much of a dog person, we haven't gotten one (yet dogs seem to always go to him, I think it's hilarious because he can't stand it). But just the other day he told me if I wanted a dog, I can get one. He said he just wants me to be happy and if a dog will help, then a dog I can get.
Plus in about an hour or so, I'll be heading over to Utah with my friend, Criscell, to go to the FSA adoption conference. I'll also be meeting my cousin there as well. Unfortunately I won't get to see my Keira bug there, she has to work. Which is my fault, I didn't give her enough notice to take the time off work for it. I'm hoping this will be a huge pick me up. I really need it right now. And since I need to finish packing, that is all.
~Candice

Monday, August 1, 2011

one of many unanswered questions....

Dear God:
  Why is it that so many women are having babies that can in now way provide for themselves let alone for a a baby, while me and many others continue to wait and hope with no end in sight? Life is just so unfair sometimes.
-Keira