Welcome! This is a blog for Keira and Candice to speak of all our woes. Ha! Not exactly. We both struggle with infertility. This is our way of keeping in touch and being a support for one another. Here is where we share our thoughts, our feelings, our struggles, our hopes, and our dreams. We have often asked ourselves 'why not us?' We would sure like to know what happened to our storks. So if anyone with similar struggles visits this blog, just know YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Although at times it sure feels like it, doesn't it? Hopefully this may help you as well.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Past Regrets=Future Delays

   I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and all the regrets that I have. Mike and I have been married for 8 1/2 years and what do we have thats any different than when we started out all those years ago? Besides joy, pain, and sorrow.....nothing has changed, really. We are in the same boat essentially that we were all that time ago. Most people get married and after a couple years look for the growth and change in having and raising a family. Things work out exactly the way they plan, and have joy and learning as they go.
   What about us? We haven't been able to have kids. NOTHING has worked out the way we planned and I try to have faith and trust in His plan for me, but somedays it just gets to be too much. When I can't see the big picture, and it seems that all that is happening is me being torn apart, and then getting hard, and non feeling and then something happens and I soften and get torn apart again. I am just really tired. Tired of the same things and just continuing to go round and round again.
     I have been thinking about our future lately. Mike started school in August and I will be one year behind him. We are in hopes of getting a degree and moving up in our company since we will have been there 10+ years after we graduate. We can make more money and then look into doing fertility treatments and or adoption again. I know many people judge us based on the fact that we struggle with our infertility, but in others' eyes we aren't doing anything to change it. Honestly, we don't have the money to change it. We made the mistake of not going to college, and now we are in a job that meets our needs, but no money for anything extra, and so even if I was to get pregnant, the reality is  I couldn't afford to stay home. We made that one choice that has affected the impact of our infertility very negatively. We are stuck. There are others who also suffer with infertility, but have made better, wiser choices than us, and they can do something about it. We are working on that now, but its a regret I will live with, and continually beat myself up about. So therefore, our past regrets about putting off school has unfortunately delayed us in our hopes of having a family anytime soon.
     I've really been struggling and been really emotional lately. I have struggled with the ongoing issues of my stomach, I am burned out of work, and this is the month that we lost our one and only baby two years ago. I feel like the pain should be lessened, and in a way, it is. However, it is still really hard for me. I have cried, or felt like crying everyday the past week, and it will continue to be harder as it gets closer and closer. Next month, a week after we lost our babe, I will be turning 30. That's another frustrating factor. I know people can get pregnant in their later years, but it lessens quite drastically from age 30 and on.
   I guess it all comes down to my knowledge and testimony of the gospel, Christ's atonement, and God's plan for my life. He knew we would wait to go to college, and that we would inevitably have to wait to take the steps to hopefully start a family. He knew how hard it would be for me. He knew the pain in my heart, and my struggles of everyday life. He knew it all. BUT, He also knew that I could handle it. He knew that it would stretch me, and test me in so many ways, and He knew that I could overcome my challenges. He knew that as I turned to Him for strength when it feels that I am so depleted that we could do it together. I struggle. I have good days. I have really, hard days. But, I am holding to His strength at this time until I can muster up my own.
    I love my Heavenly Father, and my Savior Jesus Christ so much. I am, so indebted to them for everything. I fall short in so many areas, and grateful that they make up the rest. I am thankful for my family and friends who give me strength and love and support. I love you all.