tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-34798816300954029302024-02-18T23:35:14.206-08:00Who the heck shot my stork?!The Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.comBlogger88125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-67821254348332564792015-04-06T09:21:00.000-07:002015-04-06T09:21:16.886-07:00The Joy of Trying AgainI loved watching General Conference this weekend, especially on Easter Sunday! Celebrating our Savior's resurrection while listening to our prophet and leaders made for a great Easter weekend! Although it wasn't always easy to listen with a 3 year old demanding my attention. Calling for me to "come here mom!", or wanting to play his new Memory game he got for Easter, or reading some books to him. So there were some talks I missed. But that's the great thing about this day and age! I can go back and watch them anytime I want online!<br />
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I love how certain talks or quotes just speak to you and give you the reassurance you need and the strength to continue on despite your hardships. While I'm not going through much hardships presently, I was recently. There were two quotes that really touched my spirit. I have gone through a lot of hardships, some seemed unbearable during the midst of them, but I have persevered each and every time and have grown from them, and so have become a better and stronger person. And I know I'll need the strength that I have gained for future trials that will come my way.<br />
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One of the quotes wasn't actually from one of the sessions. It was a broadcast that was right before the Sunday morning session. Unfortunately, I didn't catch the name of the speaker, and I haven't been able to find it. But I loved this quote from him:<br />
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<em>"...Whatever we are going through, things can change, things can get better. No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow. The days will become a little brighter. The weather, a little warmer. And life will be restored. Ultimately it's a hope expressed by Robert Browning, "God's in His Heaven--all's right with the world." We heed that reassurance from time to time. Especially in moments when life gets hard, and all doesn't seem right with the world. When the fire of truth and faith has been extinguished, we need to know that it can be rekindled and burn again in our souls. When hearts have been broken and dreams shattered, we need to be reminded that they can be mended and rebuilt over time. Just as surely as brown grass, battered trees, and leafless shrubs can become green and blooming once again, we can believe in the promise of new life and renewed beginnings."</em><br />
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I posted a few weeks ago about an adoption we were dealing with that had become very difficult due to the state getting involved. It was so heartbreaking for me and I struggled a great deal with it. We found out last week that we wouldn't be able to adopt that beautiful baby girl. The birth mother stated at a court hearing that she wanted her baby back, so of course, the state will be working with her for possible reunification. There's a bit more to this that I won't divulge, but it makes me worried for the future of this baby girl. But it is out of our hands and so we must move on. <br />
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Truth is, we were preparing ourselves for this outcome, that we would not be adopting her, and we had been dealing with this for 5 months. So by the time it ended, we were ready to move forward. We have done the majority of our mourning during the last 3 months. I believe a part of my heart will always be with this little girl, but we are also ready to move on. Which leads me to the next quote that I really loved by Dale G. Renlund.<br />
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<em>"President Thomas S. Monson has taught, "One of God's greatest gifts to us is the joy of trying again. For no failure ever need be final." Even if we've been a conscience, deliberate sinner, or have repeatedly faced failure and disappointment, the moment we decide to try again, the Atonement of Christ can help us. And we need to remember that it's not the Holy Ghost who tells us we're so far gone, that we might as well give up. God's desire that Latter-Day Saints keep on trying also extends beyond overcoming sin. Whether we suffer because of troubled relationships, economic challenges, illnesses, or as a consequence of someone else's sins, the Savior's Atonement can heal. Even, and perhaps especially, those who have innocently suffered. He understands perfectly what it's like to suffer innocently as a consequence of another's transgression. As prophesied, the Savior will bind up the broken-hearted, give beauty for ashes, oil of joy for mourning, and the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness. No matter what, with His help God expects Latter-Day Saints to keep on trying."</em><br />
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I have always felt, that no matter what, no matter the losses and disappointments and heartbreaks that my husband and I have had to go through with adoption, we needed to keep on trying. We need to keep fighting and pushing through so that we may have the family that Heavenly Father has destined for us. From the Spirit that has testified to me, I know that it is Heavenly Father's will and plan for us to continue growing our family in this manner--adoption. And so, we will keep on trying.<br />
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In fact, we have been blessed to be matched with another birth mom. She is expecting a boy due in July! We were actually matched with her, the very day that we found out we would not be adopting baby girl anymore. We have felt the Lord's hand in this. We are being watched over and blessed. This birth mother and birth father are 100% on board, and even placed a baby for adoption last year with a family that happens to live in the same town as us. Heavenly Father is very aware of what we have gone through and I sincerely believe He is orchestrating all of this.<br />
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I also know that Heavenly Father is aware of these birth parents and will do all that He can to comfort them and bless them for the choice they are making and for the loss that they will endure. I can't begin to describe the respect I feel for birthparents who choose a greater life for their child than they can provide.<br />
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Heavenly Father will bless us exceedingly if we just turn to Him and follow Him. He wants us to return to Him, and He rejoices when we continue to try, no matter how difficult, and when we continue to have faith. And it is because of our Savior, Jesus Christ, that we are able to do this. Because of His sacrifice, that I am eternally indebted to, I can repent of my sins and lean on Him when need be, and live with God again. I cannot describe the peace and joy that this gives to my soul! During difficult times, I constantly clung to this knowledge, this testimony that I have, and it has always been enough to get me through to happier times. Oh how I love my God and Savior!<br />
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~Candice<br />
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The Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-3168080789945836422015-03-13T18:29:00.000-07:002015-03-13T18:29:53.380-07:00A language called compassion and empathy The other day I was rescued by a great friend asking me to go on a walk. If you know anything about me...the answer was YES I would LOVE to go on a walk...enjoy the sunshine...and chat. Especially when I have had a REALLY cruddy day and had spent the hour prior crying my eyes out. On our walk...her and I talked a lot. Well, in all honesty.... I vented a lot and she listened and comforted. :) <br />
Well, we got on the topic of compassion and empathy. Just for those English nerds that love having the definitions (like myself) Compassion-- sympathetic concern for the suffering or misfortunes of others. Empathy-- the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.<br />
After my venting and crying my friend told me that she thought that the ability to have compassion and empathy is like another language. Many people don't know how to speak that language. We then talked about how when we are open in our suffering we allow others the opportunity to show compassion and empathy to us and as we allow it and they show forth this love we strengthen a relationship and become closer. I believe you become closer to another person through suffering than in any other way possible.<br />
So..... why can some speak this language and others seemingly can't? <br />
The conclusion I have come to is that as we suffer and deal with our own trials, they will change us and help us to learn to be compassionate and empathetic----IF WE LET THEM. It's not automatic. I believe that no one is naturally great at this...some may have it better than others but ones own suffering is the greatest teacher of this.<br />
Let me illustrate through an experience I had: growing up my sister just older than me and I were never really close. She is 2 years older than me and we were just very different people. Well, several years ago she was pregnant with what would have been her 5 child. It was a boy and she was pretty far along...past the point of common miscarriage. Well, I remember my mom calling me to notify us that Nyree had lost her baby. I was devastated! How could that happen? What do I do? What can I say? Maybe I won't call, because I am afraid I may say the wrong things. No....not calling is not the right answer. Well, I got up the nerve to call and figured all I could say was I'm sorry, because I didn't truly understand how she felt. How could I offer comfort when I had never even been able to get pregnant and so I couldn't possibly understand the loss. Well, I remember calling and I could barely choke out the words...I'm sorry and I love you because before I knew it I was balling on the phone. We cried together. I had no real words of comfort or any possible way to take away her hurt or pain (although I desperately wanted to) but I showed her I loved her and had compassion and empathy as I cried with her on the phone. It was then a couple years later that she had the opportunity to reciprocate that EXACT scenario. I had miraculously gotten pregnant and had lost my baby. Sure enough... she called and she offered me great advice (as she had been there) and she cried with me on the phone. I remember her telling me that the pain and suffering she felt when she lost her little one was awful, but she would go through it all again if it could take it away from me. Who would do that? I was and am still in awe of her. Then Stephen (her husband) asked to talk to Mike and gave Mike great support and even cried with him. Mike still remembers, as do I, the conversations he had with Stephen and the love he felt. The relationship had been strengthened as empathy, compassion and love had been shown and our relationship had been changed forever. <br />
I believe that to show empathy and compassion you don't need to know what the other person is going through exactly. But-- you can imagine what they are feeling and the hurt and suffering that they feel, you also feel with them---because you have known your own pain, suffering and misfortunes. You want to take that pain away, and even though you can't---you are willing to do all you can to help ease that burden. <br />
Well, this got me thinking even deeper. What is our Savior Jesus Christ's role? What was His sacrifice really for? Throughout my trials I have really dug deeper to know more about His atonement. I have come to know that His sacrifice for me and for you was not just for our sins. Yes, it definitely covered our sins and bridged the gap back to our Father in heaven, but did you know that it was also to feel what we feel. Did you catch that? FEEL WHAT WE FEEL. Everything that we go through in this life...He has felt before we did. Every pain, suffering, heartbreak, sickness, doubt, fear, confusion, betrayal. loneliness.....the list goes on. He felt it all before we do. Why? To be our greatest comforter and supporter. Who can offer better advice, comfort, love and security than someone who has been EXACTLY where we are at? That's why He did it. He knows that just as we strengthen our bonds with each other as we show forth compassion and empathy...as we turn to Him in our pain and sufferings that He will show forth compassion, empathy, and love and our relationship with Him can be forever changed as well. This is so important. In this---trials are vital! Trials have the power to change us and alter our relationships with Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and our fellow man forever----if we allow them to. <br />
Be real and allow others to see your sufferings. Allow others to help and be there and show forth their love, compassion and empathy, as it has the power to change us all! Life is hard! We need each other. We are not helping ourselves or others by suffering in silence. Heavenly Father wants us to open up to him and each other. We can learn so much from one another and there is strength in numbers. This is why satan is so set on getting you alone. Don't allow it. There are others who can help you and in turn you can help. That is the reason we are all here anyway, right? <br />
For the first time in my life I am SO grateful for my trials. They have shaped me into the person that God needs me to be. They have helped me to learn to be compassionate and empathetic to others and have ultimately brought me so much closer to my loving Savior Jesus Christ. He is my best friend and he has never left my side. Even when things got real dark...he was carrying me though and helping to make me stronger everyday. <br />
Friends, I need you and (hopefully) you need me. Lets stick together and we can get through this crazy thing called life!<br />
~KeiraThe Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-82463716266770787422015-03-12T11:26:00.000-07:002015-03-12T11:26:27.011-07:00Trials never cease....I haven't written a blog post in about 3 years. We were placed with our son the end of 2011 and for the most part, I've been fine with our infertility. I have come to love adoption and loved being able to grow our family this way. But then difficult things come up, and it becomes a struggle again. And while I love adoption, I'm having a difficult time with it right now. We had another failed placement over a year ago (that makes three, we had two before we were placed with Jared). And now we're going through another possible failed placement. But this one has been SO much harder than the others. And the others were really hard for us.<br />
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We were chosen by a birth mother in September. She was expecting a boy due December 12th. Early morning on October 20th, I get a phone call that the baby had been born a few hours earlier and that the baby was actually a girl! Quite the surprise! Because she was born so early she was transferred to Oklahoma City for better care. I was able to go and spend about a week with her. I came back home and we were planning our next trip the following week, which Shalum would be coming with me this time. However, two days after I left, baby girl needed an emergency blood transfusion but the hospital couldn't get a hold of the birth mom. And since we weren't officially placed with her at that time (placement needed to happen in Arkansas, not Oklahoma) the hospital wouldn't contact us, nor would they even take our contact info. Since they couldn't get a hold of the birth mom, they called in social services on grounds of abandonment, so they could get a 'go ahead' for the transfusion.<br />
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And since she has been in Oklahoma State care, they have told us things that we needed to do and then came back saying that's not how it works and whoever told you that was wrong. (after we did what we were first told, which ended up costing us a lot of money. Adoption is expensive enough without adding unnecessary costs to it). They also rejected our current home study because it wasn't thorough enough, and will be requesting a new one through ICPC. (The adoption agency we initially did our home study through was blown away by that. They said their home studies have never been rejected before and the worst that had ever happened was an addendum was requested which usually happened with international adoptions.<br />
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Right now the caseworker is waiting on her social security card. I wish they had started working on this in November. It's March now and she was released from the hospital in January and has been in a foster home ever since. For more than two months now. They can't give us any details on how she's doing. I haven't seen her since she was two weeks old. I am struggling a great deal with this. The caseworker is often difficult to get a hold of. And I'm worried that if the foster family decides they want to adopt her, that a judge will rule in their favor. It has become a disaster and I don't know if/when we'll be placed with her. I'm missing this important bonding time with her. I'm missing her milestones. I'm missing her. I may not have given birth to her, but I fell in love with her while I was with her. And I am devastated by the way this has turned out. I just pray that she's doing well and being taken good care of. I'm also worried that if we are placed with her, what that transition might do to her. But I'm also worried what will happen to her if she isn't placed with us.<br />
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I'm back to hurting when I see babies and pregnant women. I'm struggling with how easy it is for others to have children and I'm also struggling with how much of an easier experience others I know have with adoption. Even with Jared there were some complications with the adoption, not the placement, but getting to the adoption. Some days I just want to quit and say forget it, it's too hard. While I say that, I know I'm not going to give up, even though I think it will be easier. But as the saying goes 'good things don't come easy'. I keep having to remind myself of that. And I know that somehow, I'll be better and stronger for this. I'm glad that I have a strong testimony of our Savior, the gospel, and Heavenly Father's plan of Salvation that I know this won't crush me. But it is certainly a very hard trial.<br />
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~CandiceThe Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-29177320023162873172015-03-11T03:59:00.001-07:002015-03-11T03:59:41.305-07:00Long overdue update :) Exciting news!! Well, its been a long long time since I last wrote! A lot has happened. In the last year Mike and I have been seeing a fertility specialist. It was decided that we didn't know how far we were going to go in the process, but just wanted some answers as to why we have been unable to have kids the past 10 years.<br />
Well, long story short---we got answers. We have infertility that affects both of us. As if single infertility wasn't hard enough, we got double. :( It was a hard pill to swallow. I left that first day with a cloud overhead and just felt hopeless. I was diagnosed with poly cystic ovarian syndrome as well as an underactive thyroid. All in all---my ENTIRE struggle is hormone based. Because of my pcos it affects my blood sugar and makes it extremely difficult to lose weight, I am in pain often, my period is irregular and EXTREMELY heavy so much so that it seems I am passing a baby every month in the size of blood clots. Its awful! I get hair in places that hair should NEVER be. All in all I feel very self conscience and so much less of a woman. It just adds to it that the dr. doesn't give me any help on managing my symptoms except to lose weight and that will help manage the other symptoms. Well, when that doesn't seem to be possible....now what? Its frustrating that with pcos every single person that has it has different set of symptoms. Its all very overwhelming and discouraging. I have heard that I have to cut out all dairy as the hormones in dairy products interfere and throw off our own personal hormones. So, I tried that. I know that eating sugar is bad in MANY ways and so I have cut out that. I have been gluten-free for a year and a half and it seems the more I cut out and eat healthier---the more weight I gain. I seriously do not get it. I have wanted to throw in the towel and just say forget it---but what if it will help me get pregnant in the end? It keeps me going and trying and everytime I start bleeding I wonder why I keep trying. I heard once that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result. Well, thats me EVERY SINGLE MONTH. Why?! When is enough enough? Am I just throwing all my money away in fertility treatments for nothing? Well, after trying a few different things and MANY frustrations with our dr. we decided to give it a break. In all honesty-- it never really felt right. I don't know if it was just not right right then-- but it never felt like it was right for us at that point. We got our answers and went our way. It is so draining---financially, emotionally, and mentally. It makes me VERY vulnerable and my emotions are raw. So, a break we took.<br />
Many years ago I read a book about a little boy that was abused and put into foster care and the experiences he had. It caused me to ponder and I talked to Mike and he jumped on the foster care wagon. I was teetering. I felt like I would LOVE to help and love on some babies, but I didn't want my heart ripped out-- --Been there done that-- with a failed adoption and then my own miscarriage back in 2011-- and the toll that heart break took on my system. After my own pain I turned away from God and have never been in such a dark place. It was the first time in my life that I felt like my faith was not enough to get me through--and that was terrifying. BUT- I not only made it through but I am stronger and have a personal relationship with my Savior as He carried me through that time. It has caused me to spend so much more time on my knees and in studying the scriptures to strengthen my faith so that I am more prepared next time.<br />
So, I was NOT ready and felt I would NEVER be ready and open to heartache. So, Mike dropped it and never brought it up again.<br />
Well, then many months ago I happened on a blog post from a lady I have never met and she shares her experiences with her foster babies. I read that and balled. Ugly uncontrollable sobs. It was unreal what parents do to their innocent babies. I felt a stirring in my heart to save those babes. For once it was not about me and the pain I was signing up for, but my focus was on them---those babies that hurt in so many more heart wrenching ways and have noone to protect them and are too young to protect themselves. Here I was--striving to protect my heart while there are SO many that need real protection.<br />
The stirring in my heart happened that day and never left. I had so many doubts and fears, but it all came back to the babies. It only took a whole 2 seconds to get Mike on board and we jumped on. In January we met our foster care agent and he answered many questions and got us on the right path. There is SO much involved in becoming registered foster parents and so it is a very slow process, but we are in the process. It still is unreal. I still have many doubts and fears, but as I put my faith and trust in a loving Heavenly Father-- He wipes those fears and doubts and comforts my heart. I feel honored to be chosen to help these broken spirits on their road to healing and be able to teach them of a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior Jesus Christ that has felt their pain and can strengthen and heal them. I have felt broken in my own ways through my infertility journey and Christ has made my weaknesses strengths and helped to heal my heart and I get to help them. I have so much love to give and I am so excited for the experience and the opportunity.<br />
I used to think that there is no way I could do foster care because I would get too attached-- it would be too hard. Well, thats exactly the purpose of foster care. To bridge the gap and give these littles someone to care for them. Someone to be their advocate and fight for their needs. I may have them for a long time or a very brief period, but whatever it is I am asked to do--I will give it my whole heart. They deserve that much! And when its time to say goodbye-- it will hurt, but I will know that at least for that brief time I helped them to heal and to feel loved and they helped me by filling a void I have had for a very long time. We need eachother. Here is an excerpt from a blog that I loved and I needed to share:<br />
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<span style="background-color: #fb5e53; color: #666666; font-family: Arial, Tahoma, Helvetica, FreeSans, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">"I can never be a foster parent. I'd get too attached."</span><br />
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If I had a dollar for every time I heard this. In fact, I hear it almost every single time me being a foster parent comes up. </div>
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So, I want to clarify a little something.</div>
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1) I am not some woman with the super power to love and attach only to the extent that it won't hurt me. </div>
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That super power doesn't exist. </div>
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You could even say I'm attached. And it will hurt to say good-bye. </div>
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So if you are the kind of person that would get "too attached", congratulations. You'd be a great fit as a foster parent.</div>
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2) Attachment is kinda the point. </div>
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Ok, so I would love to hear about the last time you stopped by your local orphanage. Seriously. If you have visited an orphanage here in the states, please comment and tell me about it. </div>
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But... My guess is you've never seen one. Right?</div>
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That is because the US got rid of orphanages. Why? Because of attachment. </div>
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When a child doesn't form a bond to a person before the age of 2, their ability to function as a normal person is severely impaired. And that bond was not forming in a group home or institution. </div>
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A kid needs a family. </div>
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Bio is of course first choice. But when a bio family can't provide that bonding in a safe and loving atmosphere, enter foster families. </div>
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<span style="line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">We step in --- and we get attached. At least, as much as we can. We stand in the kids' corner, advocate for their needs, love them as if we gave birth to them, dream, and pray, and hope for them with all our might. </span></div>
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And then one day, we have to say Good-Bye. </div>
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<span style="line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">We have to let go and hope that all of our love and sleepless nights and fears and hopes and prayers and meetings and sensory tools and visits and preparations were enough. </span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 18.2000007629395px;">We hope that we bonded and they bonded to us. We hope that we gave them the gift of the ability to trust others. To believe in their own worth. To know they are loved. To know that God has never forgotten them. To know that there is something to love and relationships outside of abuse and neglect. </span></div>
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In short, getting too attached is one of the best gifts we could give these kids.</div>
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Even if it hurts to say good-bye.</div>
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<br />The Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-88233955996951591212014-03-10T11:25:00.002-07:002014-03-10T11:25:43.194-07:00which way to go?? What to do when you get to a fork in the road of life...I have been pondering about my life A LOT lately. I was thinking about the ultimate goal in this life. My goal and probably everyone's goal, is JOY. Joy that is not temporary, and joy that only comes from being on the path that Heavenly Father created just for you. Everyone is different, and He has a plan for each individual person, from beginning to end. When we get off that path, many times it brings sorrow, pain, confusion....etc. We figure things out, repent, and get back on that path. So, when we come to a fork and we have a decision to make, we go to our Father in prayer, to determine which is the right way to go. This especially happens with big life decisions, but can be really little simple choices we make as well. He is there to guide and direct us as long as we ask.<br />
So, when we come to a fork and a decision needs to be made what do we do? Well, I think about it and figure out which one looks and sounds more appealing to me, and take that to God in prayer, fasting, temple etc. After diligently asking, if I feel nothing, does that mean His answer is no? Not sure. Well, so I try the other choice, by taking that to God in prayer, followed by fasting, and temple attendance. So, what does it mean if you still feel nothing? You asked about one, and felt nothing, so you asked about the other and felt nothing. You may begin to wonder if He is even listening to you. It could mean the answer is both choices are wrong and you need to come up with another option....... It could mean you are just not ready for the answer yet........ It could mean that both are good and you can choose. So, all those are so different, how do you know what to do????<br />
So, this is the story of my life. I really struggle with answers to prayers. Some are so easy to hear and know without a doubt what you are supposed to do, and then there are some that are really trying and no matter what I do, I never get a definite answer.<br />
Well, a little bit ago my inlaws talked with Mike and I about our options with seeing a fertility specialist. Neither have us have really felt pushed to get seriously checked out. We have done a little bit of treatments and testing and tried a few different things, but nothing really extensive. Because of our choices to not do extensive treatments AT THIS TIME, I feel VERY judged. I have even gotten the comment multiple times from different people that if they were in our shoes, they would do EVERYTHING in their power to have kids, and why we aren't doing it, they don't understand, and therefore not very compassionate in our trial. I don't think people mean to come across rude or judgemental, but they just don't understand. You CAN'T ever fully understand it, unless you go through it yourself, and even then you can't fully understand how it affects another person. Just because I am not currently seeing a specialist, does not mean I am not still trying everything in MY power to get pregnant. A lot of it is planning and counting and the rest I have decided at this point to hand over to the Lord. Because of the options of seeing a specialist have been presented and have seemed more appealing to me, we may go that route EVENTUALLY. But, I have prayed about it and don't feel anything. Every time I think about it I get excited thinking about being pregnant again, and maybe actually ending up with a baby this time, but then I just feel a cloud hanging over my head. I have doubts and fears and I just don't know what is right. I want a DIRECT answer from God, and for some reason He is withholding it from me. I feel so frustrated and confused. I know that following His plan will bring me the greatest amount of Joy and Peace, but what do I do if I can't figure out what that plan is and He seems to not be answering??!!!<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />The Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-89927616291505746132014-01-31T14:03:00.000-08:002014-01-31T14:03:03.911-08:00 I have had a rough couple of weeks! I have been posting very uplifting and encouraging posts on here lately. I have been trying to see the positive and have peace in my situation. But to be honest, I still have <b>hard, hard</b> days. Days where my heart seems to split in two, and nothing can be done to repair it. I am very thankful that those days seem less and less and I have many more good, positive days. But, the fact of the matter is-<b> I still struggle</b>. I really wonder if I will ever feel totally at peace and happy about our infertility, and the bad days will no longer exist. I doubt it. I really think we have to have days like this to be humble and rely on our Savior. We are promised that we will never be tested more than we can handle. I have come to learn for myself that this is simply <b>NOT</b> true. If we were not tested more than we ourselves could handle, then who would need the Savior? I believe we are tested purposefully more than we can handle, so that we will turn to Him when it feels like it is too much. That's one reason why He suffered for us, so that He knows <b>EXACTLY</b> what we need when we go through it. He has already been there. Oh, how grateful I am for Him! Life has seemed so hard and I wouldn't be able to deal without Him. I have a choice to make everyday. I struggle every morning with that choice. Am I going to be happy, and feel thankful and at peace with my situation? Or am I going to be angry, and frustrated and pessimistic about it? It is my choice. Some days are just too hard to be happy. Some days I need to lie in bed for hours and just cry. Some days I need to spend what seems like forever on my knees telling my Heavenly Father how I feel, and how it seems that He is not listening to me and He is not answering my prayers, and He is not being fair. But then there are days that I spend forever on my knees pleading to understand, pleading for peace and happiness and I am granted exactly that and feel so thankful for my situation. <div>
Today at work I was asked by an aquaintance why we aren't able to have children. She heard through the grapevine about our infertility and felt comfortable asking me questions about it. Naturally, I am really open about it. However, it bugs me a bit when someone doesn't even know my last name or anything else about me and they ask about it. Just FYI- <b> it is a very personal and loaded question when you ask someone why they can't have kids.</b> Just because my trial is "worn on the outside" so everyone can see, doesn't mean I want to tell you all about it. It is hard. It is painful, and so please be understanding when you ask. I really don't mind people asking me. In fact, Mikes parents talked to Mike and I about some options and just some help. We didn't ask for it, but it was so totally welcome. They said how they prayed about it to be able to talk to us about it. How sweet and understanding is that? I felt so loved, valued, and supported in our trial and in our decisions about it. That's what we need. This trial is by far the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with. I feel so isolated and alone. I have prayed to have friends that don't feel awkward and uncomfortable around me since I can't have children. You don't realize how much women bond and become great friends, because of their children. I have had numerous friends that have come into my life, and then when they get pregnant they feel bad and pull away, as they think this will save me the pain. I promise that when you pull away, it not only hurts because I am jealous and wish it was me that was preg. but also because I lose another friend and feel more isolated and alone. There are so many other trials that come from this one trial. Its not just a trial of not being able to have kids. </div>
<div>
When I first was called into primary in my ward to teach the sunbeams and then "promoted" to teach the ctr-4 I felt totally inadequate. It was hard. It was frustrating that I don't even have my own kids, and I am called to teach the gospel to these kids. I really struggled. But, as in every case, Heavenly Father knew it was where I needed to be. I have grown to love these kids as if they were my own. I taught the same group as sunbeams and then I was moved up and got to teach them again, and I was so happy. I love those kids! I learned so much, and if all they learned was that Heavenly Father and Jesus love them, and I love them, then it was a success! I looked forward to teaching them every sunday, and loved when they would see me in Sacrament and smile and wave. Made my heart melt and made the gap in my life feel a bit better. At the start of the year "my kids" moved up to the next class. I cried. I knew it was going to happen, and I dreaded it! I know that I will fall in love with these new kids as well, but its hard to say goodbye.</div>
<div>
Only a loving Heavenly father would know that teaching these kids could fill a gap in my shattered heart. I am so thankful.</div>
<div>
I know that I will continue to have ups and downs. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn and grow and help others to learn as well. I am thankful for the love and support that we receive and for those with an understanding heart. </div>
The Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-20762478691667893052013-11-12T03:54:00.000-08:002013-11-12T03:54:13.281-08:00 Life continues moving on. Mike has been in school since August, and even though he is only taking 2 classes (7credits) it takes up so much time and energy! We are both still working full-time and he has school and I try to keep everything else in order. Its a lot. I have been feeling so much gratitude lately that we don't have kids. Wait, did I just say that? I know...its taken me by surprise, but I don't really know how we both could work so much, deal with school, and manage a house and a half acre yard with the startings of a farm. I feel like its too much on most days, since work completely zaps me, and I don't have little kids to go home and care for.<br />
So as of late, I am happy and grateful that I am not in charge of my life. There is One who is in charge, and knows what is best for me. Some days that doesn't make it any easier or lessen the pain I feel when my heart aches so bad for little ones. However, when I am sick, dealing with my stomach issues, and trying to work 40-60 hours a week and manage everything else around the house I thank heavens that things didn't turn out the way I wanted. We have new goals, and I am so happy that Mike is finally in school, and hopefully I will be shortly behind him, and we have so much to work towards. It excites me!<br />
I was talking to my mom the other day, and she said something that really hit me hard. She talked about Sheri Dew (She always comapres me to Sheri Dew because her life certainly hasn't gone the way she planned either: no marriage or kids) but she said that Sheri has written a new book on women and the priesthood, (since this is something new that people are struggling with) and she said that had she been married and had children of her own, she may not have had the time or energy to write this book. Heavenly Father knew that our world would need this book, (and probably many of her other AMAZING books) and without other responsibilities of a family, she had the time, energy, and ability to write them. My mom said maybe that's like me. Maybe I willingly decided in Heaven to sacrifice and not have children in this life, or wait later in life so that I could do a more important work. When she said that I instantly was enveloped in the spirit. I felt so good and it brought tears to my eyes. Heavenly Father does know me, and He knows what I am capapble of and apparently what He needs me to do right now, needs to be done without children. I have decided to do it. I am very timid and shy, but I have decided that He can count on me to do what needs to be done and say what needs to be said. I didn't sacrifice for nothing, and I am determined to follow HIS plan, and not fight for my own. I love this gospel. It truly is a gospel of HOPE.<br />
I know that our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for each of us. They know and love all of us unconditionally. The atonement covers not only sins, but also pain, suffering, sickness, and broken hearts. He knows what I desire, but He also knows what I need to accomplish, and the more important work I have at this time.<br />
Thanks to all my friends and family and strangers who love and support me. I am dealing with my own struggles, as is everyone else, so let's be patient with one another as we all find the work we were sent here to accomplish.<br />
Love, Keira The Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-74581736935850984942013-10-08T04:03:00.000-07:002013-10-08T04:03:00.216-07:00Past Regrets=Future Delays I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and all the regrets that I have. Mike and I have been married for 8 1/2 years and what do we have thats any different than when we started out all those years ago? Besides joy, pain, and sorrow.....nothing has changed, really. We are in the same boat essentially that we were all that time ago. Most people get married and after a couple years look for the growth and change in having and raising a family. Things work out exactly the way they plan, and have joy and learning as they go.<br />
What about us? We haven't been able to have kids. NOTHING has worked out the way we planned and I try to have faith and trust in His plan for me, but somedays it just gets to be too much. When I can't see the big picture, and it seems that all that is happening is me being torn apart, and then getting hard, and non feeling and then something happens and I soften and get torn apart again. I am just really tired. Tired of the same things and just continuing to go round and round again. <br />
I have been thinking about our future lately. Mike started school in August and I will be one year behind him. We are in hopes of getting a degree and moving up in our company since we will have been there 10+ years after we graduate. We can make more money and then look into doing fertility treatments and or adoption again. I know many people judge us based on the fact that we struggle with our infertility, but in others' eyes we aren't doing anything to change it. Honestly, we don't have the money to change it. We made the mistake of not going to college, and now we are in a job that meets our needs, but no money for anything extra, and so even if I was to get pregnant, the reality is I couldn't afford to stay home. We made that one choice that has affected the impact of our infertility very negatively. We are stuck. There are others who also suffer with infertility, but have made better, wiser choices than us, and they can do something about it. We are working on that now, but its a regret I will live with, and continually beat myself up about. So therefore, our past regrets about putting off school has unfortunately delayed us in our hopes of having a family anytime soon.<br />
I've really been struggling and been really emotional lately. I have struggled with the ongoing issues of my stomach, I am burned out of work, and this is the month that we lost our one and only baby two years ago. I feel like the pain should be lessened, and in a way, it is. However, it is still really hard for me. I have cried, or felt like crying everyday the past week, and it will continue to be harder as it gets closer and closer. Next month, a week after we lost our babe, I will be turning 30. That's another frustrating factor. I know people can get pregnant in their later years, but it lessens quite drastically from age 30 and on.<br />
I guess it all comes down to my knowledge and testimony of the gospel, Christ's atonement, and God's plan for my life. He knew we would wait to go to college, and that we would inevitably have to wait to take the steps to hopefully start a family. He knew how hard it would be for me. He knew the pain in my heart, and my struggles of everyday life. He knew it all. BUT, He also knew that I could handle it. He knew that it would stretch me, and test me in so many ways, and He knew that I could overcome my challenges. He knew that as I turned to Him for strength when it feels that I am so depleted that we could do it together. I struggle. I have good days. I have really, hard days. But, I am holding to His strength at this time until I can muster up my own.<br />
I love my Heavenly Father, and my Savior Jesus Christ so much. I am, so indebted to them for everything. I fall short in so many areas, and grateful that they make up the rest. I am thankful for my family and friends who give me strength and love and support. I love you all. The Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-86137927052919867632013-08-08T18:24:00.001-07:002013-08-08T18:24:01.525-07:00Article I read on facebook and thought could be beneficial for others to read... Hello!!! I am not gone entirely! :) Just been really busy and preoccupied and not put a high priority on the blog, sorry. I have goals to keep updating regularly though, because it really is therapeutic for me. So come back often, and read about my life. This here is an article I read on facebook and brought a lot of emotions and thoughts. I thought it really could be beneficial for others to read as well. Helps to understand what some of us are feeling and going through as we struggle with our own levels of infertility. I will comment on it all in another post. Love you all. ~Keira<br />
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<br />
I was 31 when I got married, my wife 28- much later than the typical “Utah
County Mormon” timeline. We’d each heard “when ya gonna get married?” plenty of
times, as if choosing a spouse is like buying a car. Just go find one you like
and sign the papers. Done.<br />
<br />
But finally, sweet tender mercies, we found each other, got married, and
started our life together in Lehi, Utah.<br />
<br />
About a month later we saw my friend Adam and his wife in the produce section
of the supermarket.<br />
<br />
<div style="padding-left: 30px;">
“Have you read the book we gave you yet?” Adam
asked.<br />“Not yet.”<br />“Read it. Read it together! It’s thought provoking, and
will do wonders for your relationship.”<br />“Will do. I’ll let you know what we
think.”<br />“So when you gonna have kids?” He asked.</div>
<br />
And I’m serious. That was literally his next question. We’d only been married
a month. He knew that because he had gone to our reception.<br />
<br />
I paused for a second.<br />“Oh, I don’t know Adam… Hopefully 9 months from
this morning.” Followed by a sideways smile, winks, and a couple of those
awkward fake elbow motions towards my wife’s ribcage.<br />It totally caught my
wife off guard, and she stammered out an embarrassed comment–probably apologetic
or something. We all got a good laugh, parted ways, and wished each other
well.<br />
<br />
That was the first time I realized that within the Mormon community, the
<em>you-need-to-follow-the-timeline</em> question of “So, when you gonna get
married”, had simply been replaced with “When you gonna have kids?” But we
didn’t care. We were newlyweds. Plus, I was the last of 9 kids to get married,
and ALL of my siblings were married with kids…so it was only natural to hear
that question 10 times or so at family gatherings. We took it in stride because
we knew everyone meant well, even though we laughed at how really personal that
question was (more on that later).<br />
<br />
We had fun with The Question–developing several replies:<br />
<br />
<ol>
<ol>
<li>The Fake Argument: “I don’t know, maybe when SOMEONE decides he is ready to
be a FATHER.” followed by, “Well maybe SOMEBODY should start cleaning up after
herself!”
<li>The Worldly Answer: “Maybe after we save up enough money for a boat.”
<li>The Shock the Asker Answer:<strong> </strong>“Meh… Hopefully never. We don’t
like kids.”
<li>The Intimate make-everyone-uncomfortable Answer: “Hopefully 9-months from
this morning… eh? Eh? (wink wink) </li>
</li>
</li>
</li>
</ol>
</ol>
<br />
<strong>She’s ready. I’m not.</strong><br />
<br />
Six months into our marriage, my wife wanted to start trying. But I wasn’t
ready yet. I felt like we should wait a bit. My wife didn’t completely
understand why I wanted to wait, so this lead to some minor disagreements. “When
you gonna have kids?” transformed from silly question to something personal and
invasive. When asked, I was reminded of how I was the one getting in the way,
holding things up, whereas if my wife were to be asked–she’d think about how she
was ready and I wasn’t.<br />
<br />
<strong>After 1 year of marriage, I jumped on board, and we officially
“started trying”.</strong><br />
<br />
A few months go by, and my wife still isn’t pregnant. Maybe because we were
getting The Question so often, or maybe we felt some pressure because we got
what our local society had deemed to be a “late start”, but for whatever reason,
we felt incredibly impatient. We tried all the timing methods, but nothing
happened. So we saw a doctor who told us some statistics about conception which
calmed us down quite a bit. Basically, if everything is working right, you still
only have (around) 20% chance of getting pregnant even if everything is timed
perfectly. (I can’t remember the exact percentage, but it was along those
lines). The woman who gets pregnant from the first attempt is actually an
anomaly not the norm. The doctor told us to relax and continue trying, but that
after 8 more months we still weren’t pregnant, then we would do some tests.<br />
<br />
<strong>After a year of trying</strong><br />
<br />
A year flew by, and my wife was still not pregnant. We’d been married for 2
years, and had been asked The Question seemingly thousands of times. It was now
a reminder of the disappointment we felt each month. We stopped having as much
fun with the answers, and would say things like “As soon as Mother Nature
cooperates”, or “As soon as God wants us to” with an almost resigned nature.<br />
<br />
My wife’s sister, who got married within a few weeks of us, was pregnant for
the second time. I think from washing their clothes together or something, they
are seriously that fertile. My wife’s friends seemed to all be getting pregnant
with ease. It seemed our whole neighborhood was pregnant. As Mormons, we are
very family oriented–and having kids was a big part of that. We didn’t want to
miss out.<br />
<br />
I remember one time a woman in the ward we barely knew was talking to my
wife:<br />
<br />
<div style="padding-left: 30px;">
Lady we barely knew: “When you going to have
kids?”<br />My wife: “Well, we’re trying…”<br />Lady we barely knew: “Wait, how old
are you?”<br />My wife: “Uh… 30?”<br />Lady we barely knew: “Well, maybe that’s the
problem.”</div>
<br />
My wife told me about it after church, shaking her head a little that someone
would treat the age of 30 as the age of barrenness.<br />
<br />
<strong>A word on procreation and family planning</strong><br />
<br />
Let’s take a break from my story and think about how personal the subject of
family planning is:<br />
<br />
Procreation itself not only involves the highest level of intimacy and the
most private of private parts, but all kinds of other highly personal factors.
From the very painful ones such as infertility, impotence, or miscarriages, to
awkward topics like finances, or perhaps the contention that could arise from
one spouse being super ready while the other is dragging their feet. We’ve all
heard that each couple has that one recurring argument–and differing priorities
on family planning can be one of the most sensitive and raw arguments a couple
can have.<br />
<br />
<strong>Getting the test results</strong><br />
<br />
After 2 years of trying with no success, we did what we were nervous to do,
started getting tested.<br />
<br />
Not long after, we were told the news we’d been dreading–though not
necessarily the way we thought it would come. <em> I</em> was completely
infertile. As in ZERO. I emphasize zero because some men can have a low count…
mine was zero.<br />
<br />
I was devastated.<br />
<br />
It was like someone had punched me in the solar plexus, and not only knocked
the wind out of me, but had injected my entire body with an overwhelming feeling
of inadequacy. My wife was in tears as she told me the results. I just remember
feeling like my face was literally numb. I also remember trying to snap out of
it, and made this hollow attempt at putting on a brave face. It was awful.<br />
<br />
Shortly after that, we went to a Urologist that supposedly specialized in
fertility issues, so we could get a bigger picture. He sent his assistant in to
tell the news at first, but I insisted on hearing directly from him. So he came
in begrudgingly and sat across that poorly lit room and told me I had
“testicular failure”, and it was irreversible. I remember facing that Urologist
trying to keep eye contact as if to show I could handle it, as bit by bit I felt
my masculinity peeling away. 3 years before that, I’d been diagnosed with low
Testosterone–and this visit had completed the trifecta of “Worst News for Guys”:
Low Testosterone, Testicular Failure, and Sterility. Awesome. I felt like my
last shred of manliness melted in the room of that Urologist. It was all I could
do to keep from crying like a little boy. My wife described it much later as
watching in horror as she could see my soul absolutely crushed.<br />
<br />
I kept asking what our options were, and he said “Adoption or a donor. A
donor is the cheapest way to go. But just never tell your kid or anyone else.
Take it to the grave.”<br />
<br />
We didn’t know what to think. So we didn’t discuss it at all for several
months. As in, at all. We didn’t even mention it. A Molotov Cocktail had been
thrown at our “Plan”–completely destroying it, and the despair was too heavy to
discuss making a new one. We dove into every form of distraction possible,
retreating into our self protection zone–we traveled, we worked, we hung out
with friends… we never talked about having a baby.<br />
<br />
At this point, “When you gonna have kids” became very painful to hear. As did
some children references at church–the testimonies about having children, and
being blessed with children, and how happy they are and how much God loves them
because of the children they were sent, etc etc…. (I wish I was kidding about
that last point) And now, it seemed like those talks and testimonies happened
all the time. Kind of like when you have a sunburn and everyone seems to want to
pat you on the back. This sunburn just stung of inadequacy. Church became a
big source of pain and insensitivity at times.<br />
<br />
We were super private about what was happening, so no one around us knew that
when they were asking The Question, they were reminding us of something that
could potentially never be. It took me about a year to become ok with the idea
of using a donor for my side. Don’t ask me why it took me that long, it just
did. It just felt weird, and when it comes to fertility, infertility, family
planning, etc–there are all kinds of emotions that express themselves
differently for each person. A few days after we started shopping for a donor,
my wife was hospitalized for severe abdominal pain. Ultrasounds revealed an
ovarian cyst the size of a grapefruit.<br />
<br />
Emergency surgery.<br />
<br />
After the surgery, the doctor showed me the photos. Endometriosis. Bad. As
in, so bad, the ovaries were almost destroyed, but not removed in case there was
a chance they could still function. But he warned me that my wife had a very
slim chance of ever having a child of her own, due to how bad the Endometriosis
had gotten, and how bad the damage had been.<br />
<br />
All this time I’d been the infertile partner in our marriage, and now it was
likely the two of us. Our backup plan of using a donor was eliminated. Scratched
off the list of possibilities.<br />
<br />
The fragile walls I had built up as a coping mechanism came crashing down.
Obliterated. And we went through an even more hopeless time. Fortunately, this
wouldn’t last as long.<br />
<br />
Let’s take another break from my story to make the final point to my
post:<br />
<br />
As I’ve said, family planning is super personal. And infertility is massively
painful. Just remember that asking someone you don’t know too well about when
they are going to have kids is far more personal than asking how much credit
card debt they have. You have no idea what the couple is going through in that
area of their lives.<br />
<br />
<strong>My suggestions?</strong><br />
<br />
<ol>
<ol>
<li>Don’t ask. It’s frankly none of your business. It’s as personal as asking
how often they make love, and you’d never dream of asking that question. So
don’t ask, let them bring it up if it comes up.
<li>The culture within the church needs to change to be mindful of those who
might possibly be in your group or congregation who are struggling with
infertility. So don’t ever make statements that may make those with fertility
issues feel excluded. “Unless you have a child of your own, you’ll NEVER
understand the true love of a child” (true story). “Until you’re pregnant,
you’ll never understand what it means to truly bond with your child…” etc
etc–because maybe someone in that group just got the news that they will NEVER
get pregnant. Just remember, not everyone is following your timeline, and not
everyone CAN follow your timeline–but would love to.
<li>If you find out that someone is struggling with infertility, please please
please love them with <strong>everything you got</strong>. Hug them if you can.
Cry with them if you can. A dream of theirs just got shattered and taken away.
Yes, there’s adoption, but let them accept that later on. Be with them NOW, as
if they’d just lost a loved one. Trust me, whatever brave face they are showing
you is trying to hide some serious pain of all kinds. </li>
</li>
</li>
</ol>
</ol>
<br />
<strong>Epilogue to my story:</strong><br />
<br />
Here is where I give mad props to my wife. She did not give up. After seeing
about 6 different doctors, she still researched until she found a specialist in
male infertility up at the U of U (Named Dr Meikle–not sure if he’s still
practicing, but I highly recommend him if he is). We scheduled an appt, and we
tentatively went to see him. At this point, I’d been on Androgel for low
testosterone for 4 years. He took me off it right away. Said that in some rare
cases, that can kill sperm count. He took some other measurements too, and found
that other things were high that should have been lower. He warned me that going
off artificial Testosterone would make me “feel lousy”, which was the biggest
understatement of the year–but that’s a story for another time.<br />
<br />
The entire process of working with Dr Meikle took about 9 months. This
involved going off Androgel for a few months, having bloodwork done, going on
other medications, having bloodwork done etc.<br />
<br />
At the end of all of this I got measured again for swimmers…. which
timeline-wise, was about a month after my wife’s surgery where we found out her
ovaries were destroyed.<br />
<br />
I was producing normal…. 106 million. So my body was all systems go. Now it
was my wife’s turn to get bloodwork done, dye tests, more bloodwork, etc.
Miraculously, in the middle of all of these tests, my wife became pregnant. With
mine and her genetics, totally natural. We were ECSTATIC to say the least! We
had a boy 7 months later (he came a little early) and named him Matthew–which
means “Gift from God”. I’m actually hesitant to include that, because remember
wondering why God would bless others with children and not us, but we would have
named him that regardless of how he came into our lives–adoption, a donor, 2
donors, etc.<br />
<br />
17 months later, Matthew’s little sister arrived. We’re now a family of
4.<br />
<br />
I don’t attempt to speak for all issues that can cause infertility. There are
dozens of potential causes. In our specific example, it was the medication
Androgel that I used (don’t ask me why at least 6 different doctors, including
specialists, saw that on my chart and didn’t take me off of it) which told my
pituitary to stop producing testosterone and dropped my count to zero.<br />
<br />
And I know that our total of 4 years of trying, and 3-ish of thinking we were
infertile pales in comparison to what others have gone through.<br />
<br />
But the pain is very real. It’s crushing, discouraging, disheartening pain….
and if anyone reading this is going through the pain of infertility I just want
you to know you are loved, and I wish I could give you a hug right now. I feel
for you. It’s an awful feeling, and I pray for peace for you to get through
it.The Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-23140486514967633912013-01-13T14:07:00.001-08:002013-01-13T14:07:11.065-08:00The last six months...I can't believe it has been about 6 months since my last entry. Life has been busy and I have been a little wary about getting back on and sharing, unsure why. I felt like I was doing really good about opening up and sharing very personal and painful thoughts and experiences and since time has passed I have closed up.<br />
So, let's play a little catch up. Last July we moved into our newly bought home in Santaquin Utah. We love it!! We have almost 2200 square feet and a half acre to play in. It is an old home, and with that comes potential problems and projects. Good news/bad news kinda thing. I love projects and upgrades and all that great stuff, but it always takes longer and more money than what you plan on. Hopefully it will be a little bit at a time, right? So, the past 6 months we have been busy really making it our own. With the new home we also got a little addition, our black lab/german shepherd puppy, Sierra. Well, she isn't really a puppy anymore, she weighs about 95 pounds. She has been so fun and brought us so much joy! Unfortunately Bella (our little 8 pound terrier) has had a hard time adjusting. It has been an experience for all of us! ;)<br />
In our new ward we were called very quickly to teach the sunbeams.To be honest I was very unhappy with the calling, but we accepted. I was frustrated that we would be unable to get to know anyone in the ward, and I was also worried about teaching the young ones when my heart is so tender and aches for and lacks my own. I can now say that Heavenly Father knows me personally and what I need to be able to learn and grow to become who He needs me to become. It has been a wonderful experience!! It has allowed me to open my heart and be able to help fill that void. I love those little kids! I think about them all the time, and I feel like it is just an addition to my already 20 nieces and nephews. The first several weeks in the class I accidentally referred to me as Aunt and Mike as Uncle....:) Whoops. Comes naturally nowadays. I have learned how to teach young kids the gospel, about Christ and help them learn and grow, which I am so grateful for!! <br />
Okay, I started this post back in November and half of it got deleted as I was typing so I saved what I had left of it and got off in frustration. So, now it is January and I have a little more things going on in my life. Back in November I had pretty severe abdominal pain at work. I couldn't go home without penalty and so I continued to work. At one point I ran to the bathroom and threw up for the next half hour. Feeling much better, I went back out to work. Within an hour I was passed out on the ground. This experience has spiraled into so many different tests, so many different diagnoses, a trip to the E.R. and on. My dr. is pretty sure I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and certain foods or stress can certainly aggravate it. In all the tests that have been taken they have found elevated liver enzymes, and they cannot figure out why. I got an ultrasound done friday and it came back normal, which is a good news/bad news type thing. I wanted them to find the problem, assuming it was minor, and tell me this is how you fix it, and voila all better- not the case. Well, I have an EGD scheduled for the 24 of this month and that is where they put the camera down your throat and look into your stomach to see if they can see any problems. Assuming this will be the same as everything else and will come back normal. My mom told me I just need to keep a food diary and learn what I can eat and those things I need to stay away from, because I know that something is wrong, but the tests are showing it is nothing serious, so that is good news. Just frustrating that I have to figure this all out the hard way. Personally, I think MOST of the problems and pain is caused by stress. I am constantly stressed out so much that it is hard to function. In the last month our furnace went out, and we had a pipe break and flooding in our laundry room, all of which is on top of the medical tests/bills/and pain causing stress on top of already much stress. I am trying to be able to manage my stress better this year. Any ideas?<br />
I am exercising and eating a lot healthier, and so I think that is something that will help over time as I continue to do it. Its not an instant fix, but will take time. I am doing better this year at reading my scriptures and allowing myself to feel and that way I can hopefully cope better with trials. <br />
I am alive, and well, I have just been so busy and unable to get on here and update. Life is well, and I am so thankful for the gospel of hope and peace. I just need to grab onto that peace and not let anyone or anything get me down. Life continue to moves on. I love you all and am thankful for all my friends and family that support me-Thank You!<br />
Love, KeiraThe Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-27653602029342682722012-06-13T15:34:00.001-07:002012-06-13T15:34:15.608-07:00Well, it has been a long, long time since I last wrote. Life is hard, and it continues to be hard. <br />
We celebrated our 7 years together in April at the same time finding out the Mikes younger brother and wife are expecting twins after being married a year. A couple months after that we find out that Mikes older brother and wife are expecting their 4 after one round of Clomid. Meanwhile I am on my 3 round of clomid and I have no end in sight. I started doing clomid awhile ago, and felt like keeping it a secret. I don't know. Just didn't want to deal with a lot of questions and getting other peoples hopes up, because having my own to deal with is more than enough. So surprise to anyone who didn't know. Mike and I are doing clomid, but no surprise to everyone that it continues to not work. OH WELL!! What does seem to work on overload is the oh-so-unpleasant side affects of the dang stuff!! It has helped regulate my period, since after my D&C it has been crazy, so for that I am super thankful. However, I also have PMS times 10 atleast. I can't seem to be ok with anything or anyone for that matter. EVERYTHING annoys me or hurts my feelings in one way or another. Its actually quite humorous when I can look back on it. :) I also have the WORST. MIGRAINES. EVER!! On top of that I have hot sweats bad. Mostly just at night, but I wake up soaked with sweat. It's disgusting!! But I am freezing at the same time. Horrible, horrible side affects of clomid!!<br />
So, I was a little concerned, so I got on a medical website and looked up the side affects of clomid, and yes, they are all normal. So, I am normal......yet oh-so-not normal like everyone else taking clomid. Oh the joys...<br />
Well, on a happier note, although it has nothing to do with fertility :Mike and I are buying our first home. SOOOO EXCITED!! It has been a roller coaster of a ride, but this part of it is coming to a close. We should be closing the end of the month if all goes well. It is in Santaquin, Utah. It has 4 bedrooms and 1/2 acre to play in, and have a GIGANTIC garden. I love being outside and growing stuff, so I am anxious to get going and make it my own. I will update as things move along, but we are just currently busy working, and packing, and playing. <br />
Love you all and hope all is well!!<br />
Love, KeiraThe Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-43357270788641726092012-05-17T11:34:00.002-07:002012-05-17T15:19:59.296-07:00PatienceI read a friend's blog the other day (one who struggles with infertility) and I really liked one of her posts. She was actually quoting from one of her friend's blogs (who also struggles with it). And you know, we often feel like we're alone in our struggles when we see so many people with children, but if you really look around there are so many people who struggle with infertility, just like Keira and I.<br />
Anyway, the post was about the friend and how her and her husband were waiting to be chosen to adopt. A woman in her ward asked how the adoption process was and she told her they were approved and now just waiting. The woman then told her that it will happen when it's supposed to and that she just needed to learn to be patient. One of her best friends had overheard and put her arm around her and said that she has been patient and that she thinks her patience is really amazing.<br />
When I read that I was like WOW, right on friend! I can't tell you how many times I've been told that it will happen when it's supposed to and that I just need to be patient. Well, hello...I had been patient...for years. Yes I had my moments of depression and anger, but overall I have been VERY patient, because quite honestly, I had no other choice...well I could have hid under a rock and let the anger and depression rule and devour me, but since I wanted to LIVE, I had no choice but to BE patient.<br />
And now I have a son...finalization is next month and then it will be official...and oh how I love my little man. He is my world. I cannot imagine not having him in my life and I thank Heavenly Father every day for him. But I still deal with infertility. I'll admit, almost every time I hear someone's pregnant, my heart cringes a little still. My mom says the struggles of infertility always stay with you. It took my mom 4 1/2 years to get pregnant, and she suffered with me because she knew what it was like. She knew the longings I felt, she had comments made to her, and she said part if it stays with you.<br />
I do know that we can let it go by turning it over to Jesus Christ because he took upon our sorrows in Gethsemane, but it can also take a lifetime to learn how to do it. But I know if we continue to endure and continue to strive with all our might to enjoy life, to remain faithful, and to serve Him then we CAN overcome our struggles. But when we're in the midst of our struggles it is one of the hardest things to do. And I know I'll continue to struggle with infertility, but it won't be like before. Because now I have Jax. But it will still be hard at times...despite my patience.<br />
<br />
~CandiceThe Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-63495083907096993682012-03-20T06:01:00.000-07:002012-03-20T06:01:40.093-07:00Blessings of the PriesthoodOn sunday we had a lesson in relief society about the blessings and power of the priesthood. Near the end of the lesson our instructor was asking people for experiences where they or someone they know was blessed by the priesthood and their testimonies of it. So, many people shared experiences where they had blessings and miracles happened, and things worked out. And yes, I have been given many blessings especially before and after my surgeries, and I have a testimony of the power and miracle of the priesthood. But, I thought after I went home about what it means when you are given a blessing and the promises made to you do not come to pass. What does it mean? Why does that happen? I was upset that I didn't think about it until later that night, because otherwise I would have asked the sisters in my relief society their thoughts on it. So, I am asking anyone who may read this. What are your thoughts? I truly felt that I had the faith for the blessings to come to pass, and continued with that faith until the bitter end when it was all confirmed to me that what I was indeed promised was not happening. Why? I have been wondering and have had a lot of questions about it since that time. Tell me your thoughts.<br />
~KeiraThe Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-81444497656383631312012-03-05T17:04:00.000-08:002012-03-05T17:04:04.846-08:00hopelessIts been awhile since I last wrote, and I have no good excuse for that. My lack of writing is due to the fact that nothing has changed, and I have really been struggling. I foolishly thought that since I got pregnant last August miscarried in October and had the D&C in November, pregnancy was going to come easily and naturally again. So, in December when I had a regular period, we tried the very unromantic and tedious job of timing sex around my ovulation. I hate that!! I really do, but we did it. Well, January came and the time I was to start came and went and so I naturally thought that for sure, I must be pregnant. I was trying to notice any signs or symptoms. It went on for about a week, and then the oh so unfriendly reminder came to reassure me that indeed I am not pregnant. I was bummed, really bummed, but as I have come very accustomed to I move on. Try again for next month.<br />
Well, we tried timing the ovulation again. February came and went with no period. I was for sure I was pregnant. I seemed to have so many symptoms, even morning sickness seemed to hit for three days straight of random throwing up. It was miserable, but oh so worth it, since I was very sure I must be pregnant. I took about 3 pregnancy tests during the month of february, and let down everytime a negative one showed. But, I had not started yet, so maybe it was just too soon to tell. It must be too soon, because I am pregnant, I kept telling myself. <br />
Well, reality hit on March 2. I was devastated!! I just lost it. No hope left. It doesn't help that we celebrate our 7 year anniversary next month. 7 years, and we are still left hoping for children. Really? How long is this going to go on? Can't I just know if we will have children in this life? If not, I could move on and quit hoping and being let down month after month. That is what kills me, the let down. <br />
Before I got pregnant, I really seemed to come to terms with it, and was trying to be happy with my life as it was, and move on. I felt like it was going to be ok. Then, unexpectedly I get pregnant, and my life is flipped upside down. I lose my baby, and I feel like I am now back at square one where all I think about is children of my own, thats all I want, that is always on my mind, and I am am just left with an empty feeling continually. <br />
To me, it seemed that Heavenly Father didn't like that I was ok before and tried to push kids out of my mind and just enjoy my life, which is why I got pregnant, which then forced it to the front of my mind. Then I miscarry, and it still is on the front of my mind which makes me very discouraged and unhappy. <br />
I have been feeling empty, unhappy, and frustrated. I am out of hope, and what else is there when there is no hope?The Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-62770563878831116462012-01-19T15:15:00.000-08:002012-01-19T15:15:27.525-08:00Trials and the atonementI am feeling better! Actually I have been feeling better for quite some time, but been down with a cold, and so still been keeping low and trying to rest to get rid of this cold that is going on 3 weeks! Down no more, I am moving on cold or no cold, and getting out and getting things done! :)<br />
So, I have been in retrospect the past month about trials, (particularly mine) the purpose of them, and how to overcome them. I was at work and was thinking and talking to myself about the many things I have learned throughout my infertility journey. I have gone through a lot. I have felt deep sorrow, but I am still here, I am still married, and I still have my testimony! What an amazing comfort, and blessing!!!<br />
I have completely been immersed in books the past couple months. I am constantly reading. My sister bought me the book "Lost Children"-coping with miscarriage for Latter Day Saints. I read it in a couple hours, and man! what a comfort that was. Just to have someone else who knows what I have gone through first hand, and explains the grieving process. It was comforting to hear that what I was feeling and going through was normal and healthy as I have been working through the stages of grief. I highly reccomend it to anyone dealing with miscarriage. I have also read book entitled "Infertility"-Hope, healing, and comfort. Also, very good. In both of these books there was a section included for those that don't suffer with infertility themselves, but for families or friends that do and they want to give help and comfort. Stay tuned: I will post some of those comments later, as most people likely won't read the books unless they are the ones suffering with it first hand. <br />
Another book I am reading was only by inspiration. Let me explain: At work on this particular day I had a lot of time to just let my mind wander and think. Unfortunately my particular frustration this day was that we were being pressured to MOVE ON! Quit feeling sad, and get out and get over it. I was not ready. I knew it, and Heavenly Father knew that I was not ready for it. I heal, I do. But it takes time. So, because our friends were making me feel like I was behind, and wasn't healing, and I should be feeling better and "over it" by now I was completely overwhelmed and frustrated. I started praying at work. And then I started listening and thinking and letting my mind wander. I started thinking about the atonement of Christ. He suffered for our sins, but also for pain, sorrow, heart break, etc. So, I know as we are taught the process of repentance and gaining forgiveness of sins, which covers the sins Christ took upon Himself, but what about the rest? How do we gain the peace, healing, and comfort promised through the atonement? Is it just given? Well, I have been doing a lot of research. I have been praying and going to the temple. I have been searching to find out more about the atonement. It lead me to the book entitled The Broken Heart-applying the atonement to life's experiences. I have learned that in order to gain the comfort, healing, and peace you need to be doing what we do anyway. We need to be praying, fasting, going to the temple, reading our scriptures. I have been doing all those things. Showing our Father we have faith, and we continue to move on, and He will grant us the healing in His time. It is not instantaneous, just like forgiveness of our sins is a process which takes time, so does the peace and healing. We show our Heavenly Father by our actions and how dilligent we are in seeking Him, and then we have faith that the healing will come, and it does! It has come. I have truly felt so much better! There is still more healing that is needed each day as I need different things, but I know that Christ is there, and His atonement does cover all.<br />
I Love this gospel, and the peace, and hope we have!!<br />
Thank you for those that have prayed so hard for us. We have felt the strength and peace, and I have no doubt that your prayers, love and support have brought it to us!<br />
I love you all!<br />
~KeiraThe Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-27804606487080555532012-01-12T17:07:00.000-08:002012-01-12T20:08:56.558-08:00Our Adoption JourneyI know it's been a long time since I've posted and updated. As you know Shalum and I were chosen to adopt back in October. The baby boy was due Dec 20th, but decided that wasn't soon enough and graced the world on Nov 24th, Thanksgiving night. I happened to be down near Las Vegas (where he was born). Shalum was still up in Elko, but I was down in Mesquite at my mother's condo. I had gone down to spend some time with the birth mother. She was actually scheduled to have a c-section on the 30th, so I went to spend some time with her before he was born. I had gone down on the 23rd and was going to head over to Vegas the 25th. The 24th at around 7:30 I got a call from the birth mother's mother telling me she was going into labor and they were at the hospital and getting ready to do a c-section. He was born at 9:49pm. He was 5lbs 10oz and 18.5 inches long. Shalum came down the 25th. We signed the adoption papers on Dec. 3rd. That was a pretty bittersweet moment for me. I was so excited for Shalum and I, but it was so hard watching the birth parents sign the papers. They said they were fine and still had no doubts. But it was difficult for me to watch.<br />
I am so excited to have a child to call my own, to be a mother. His name is Jared Axel Decklan. Jared is Shalum's middle name, I just really love the name Axel (Shalum hates it, but after a few years of telling Shalum I wanted to name a child that, he finally gave in when we actually had the chance. He so sweet to me.) And Decklan is a name the birth parents had chosen.<br />
Jared was born with pulmonary valve atresia, which means a valve in his heart was completely closed. The day after he was born they ran a catheter through his thigh up to his heart and popped it open with a balloon. The doctors anticipated having to do open heart surgery as well, but it was never necessary! He has been doing so well! Everytime the cardiologists came by while he was in the NICU they were constantly saying how amazed they were at how well he's doing and that he's their little champion. When he was born they put him on medication to keep his PDA's open so the blood could flow to his lungs. Three days after the catheter procedure they took him off the medication. They told us that's amazing because they normally keep them on those meds for about another two weeks. That's how well his heart was doing!<br />
He was discharged from the NICU on Dec. 17th. We were so excited that he was able to come home before Christmas. I had stayed in Vegas the whole time, while Shalum traveled back and forth due to work. And it's a long trip. Fortunately I was able to stay at the Ronald McDonald House. That place is amazing and am so grateful I could stay there.<br />
This little man has turned our worlds upside down, in the greatest way possible. He is our world and can't even begin to say how grateful we are for him and how grateful we are to his birth parents. We have such a respect and love for them. We wouldn't be parents if it weren't for them and the love they have for Jared.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">Here is our beautiful little man<br />
Jared Axel Decklan Stone<br />
(Also called Jax)</div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMH4cjtF3rNyKQpXnxwDTI0igREUo6S6lX1wD8_4uyK83_5-_lKNNifLLBRG1jsiKwyVciIS0-DlqAVYMwPXepDRSOn9jo6w0Q0cF4q1xQTDq6C-S3XsqpZPSwD7R6W1jJEjVdgMKjfmFD/s1600/404326_10150491286311185_111247521184_8871924_316140680_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="212" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMH4cjtF3rNyKQpXnxwDTI0igREUo6S6lX1wD8_4uyK83_5-_lKNNifLLBRG1jsiKwyVciIS0-DlqAVYMwPXepDRSOn9jo6w0Q0cF4q1xQTDq6C-S3XsqpZPSwD7R6W1jJEjVdgMKjfmFD/s320/404326_10150491286311185_111247521184_8871924_316140680_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div style="text-align: center;"><br />
<div style="text-align: left;">~Candice</div></div>The Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-4861964144005767722011-12-19T15:13:00.000-08:002011-12-19T15:13:26.096-08:00To the hurt or offended:So, I don't really know where this has come from, but I felt strongly that I needed to get on and apologize to anyone and everyone who has been offended or hurt by something I have done, or in more likely cases have not done. <br />
Since my miscarriage, almost 2 months ago, I have wanted nothing to do with anyone. I do the bare minumum of EVERYTHING in my life right now. Unfortunately, this includes prayers and scripture study. Just going through the motions you might say. <br />
We have heard about things happening and some goings on, and we have our best friends dying to hang out, and we do zip, nada, nothing! I don't want to. I am sorry, but I don't want to see you. The only people I see is Mike's or my immediate family, and even that has been minimal. I have wanted to just stay at home, not see anyone, not go anywhere, and not have to put a smile on my face. Pretty much I have just wanted to see and talk to people who actually understand how I feel. I don't mean anyone and everyone who has had a miscarriage, because it seems that pretty much everyone has, but those that truly know the deep sorrow I feel. Those are those who give the best comfort, counsel, and love.<br />
<br />
So, to my sister Nyree and brother -in-law Stephen. Thank You! You will never know the difference you both have made in both Mike and I's life. Mike is constantly talking about you both and how much you care, and understand. He always wants to go and visit, because you guys help. Even when no words are spoken, we know you understand the sorrow, and that you care so much! You are there, always there and we both know it. Stephen, I just have to tell you how much you have helped Mike. The fact that you called him to talk to him, meant so much to him! He felt like he wasn't getting much comfort, and after you called, he kept saying how thankful he was that you guys talked. You understand and have helped him to cope and heal. You both are incredible! <br />
<br />
So, to anyone who has been hurt by the fact that I don't want to do the normal activites, or I don't want to get together and play games, or I don't want to go out: I am sorry. I am deeply sorry, and I hope that you can understand and give me the space and time that I need. I am not ready to yet. I need time, and LOTS of it. <br />
Life is starting to get better, and I am feeling a bit of the healing and peace that I need. Thanks for your continual prayers. I love you all, and hopefully will be ready to be back to normal in a short bit.<br />
Loves, KeiraThe Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-33598534554996662882011-11-28T14:12:00.000-08:002011-11-28T14:12:56.594-08:00update..I figured I better post soon just to let you all know I am still alive, and struggling to hold on.<br />
I have many more hard, depressing, and hopeless days rather than good ones. I do however have some good days with sunshine, and I take the bad with the good. I have a lot of anger built up inside. I am not sure how to cope with the anger, and very unsure if it will ever go away. Time...thats what it all comes down to. I need to give myself time, and its the last thing I want. I want to be done hurting. I want to be over this and be able to easily move on. The only answer (to me) on how to move on and feel happy again is if I can get pregnant again soon. Who knows if that will happen, so my life seems quite hopeless in my eyes.<br />
Church has been quite a struggle for me since it happened. I hate to go. I burst into really ugly uncontrollable sobs during relief society two weeks ago, and humiliated myself in front of everyone. I am tired of seeing everyone thats pregnant or has young babies and feeling the hurt and stab of pain that inevitably comes when I see others with their bundles of joy and knowing mine was ultimately taken from me. It seems that I hurt way more when I go to church than if I were to stay home. It makes the choice to go rather difficult. I am going. I know I need to, but its miserable; to say the least. I am hoping to get together and talk with my relief society president in the next day or two. I have found it really helps to talk about it, but with talking I will cry without fail and that makes some people really uncomfortable. So, it makes it hard to find someone who cares and is patient with me to talk to and give me comfort. I have found myself on countless times talking to myself about it, because I feel like there is noone that understands or cares to want to hear me vent or cry about it. I have talked to Mike about it often, but even that is getting really hard. He is hurting and I know it hurts for him to talk about it. It brings out the pain and opens the wound once again. So, what am I to do? I have resorted to talking to myself and crying out in frustration and anger at Heavenly Father. I have started running to get a lot of anger out atleast somewhat and its helped, but on work days I am so exhausted that to get my butt on the treadmill is quite a joke. Anyone close want to go walking or running with me? I need it. Physically and emotionally. I have gained about 15 pounds. Yeah pretty frightening. It just seems that the only comfort is unfortunately less than healthy comfort food. ugh!! I am so done with everything!! I seriously need a break from my life........<br />
~KeiraThe Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-16118974992324422372011-11-13T13:17:00.000-08:002011-11-13T13:17:45.864-08:00Round 3I have been so busy lately and haven't had much time to write a post. I started working temporarily, on Shalum's crew. So that plus all the training has kept me busy, plus all my usual things that always need to get done, which I'm slacking on because I'm down with a cold right now...joy. But I have some good news, which I feel guilty mentioning because of what Keira's going through right now, but we've been chosen to adopt again. Our caseworker called us two and a half weeks ago, and we met the birth parents two weeks ago. The due date is Dec 20th, and it's a boy. We're excited! The birth parents are great and they seemed to like us too, which is nice. :) Oh, also, an FSA chapter (Families Supporting Adoption) just started here in the Elko area. We'll be meeting every second Saturday of every month. We had our first meeting yesterday. So if anyone around here is interested in adopting, or has adopted, or has been adopted, or I guess anyone who supports adoption and would like to come to this, you are more than welcome. Just an FYI. :)<br />
~CandiceThe Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-11389903844235316992011-11-01T17:00:00.000-07:002011-11-01T17:00:19.862-07:00Miscarriage anyone?? Sign me up!!!!I found out yesterday that I miscarried. Its been physically painful as well as emotionally. I can't believe it. Yet another thing that I have to overcome when I have barely overcome the last. I feel like I am just getting back up when I get knocked down again. I am too exhausted, and sad to deal with this. I have surgery tomorrow to get everything scraped out. I have the rest of the week off to just be able to sit numb and unfeeling like. <br />
* I have been thinking about what is the point to have people pray for you, fast for you, and give priesthood blessings if the outcome isn't gonna change? <br />
-KeiraThe Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-14995674407193261942011-10-24T14:35:00.000-07:002011-10-24T14:35:12.337-07:00Updates.....:)So, I have been waiting to update everyone about whats going on in my life, but I can't hold it in any longer. I am PREGNANT!! Yep! Sure enough. I found out on October 4, and its still not real to me. I go to the dr. for my first appointment on the 31, and we will get the ultrasound, and everything. I am super excited, and shocked, and scared, and worried, and sick. Its lovely!! :)<br />
So, thanks to all of you that have kept me in your prayers, and loved, and supported me throughout the years. After 6 1/2 years filled with joy, but also sorrow, pain, longing...etc its all coming together and we get to experience it for ourselves. I am so grateful for this opportunity, and for the lessons I have learned throughout the years. <br />
Please continue to keep me and our little one in your prayers.<br />
Love you all, KeiraThe Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-51425648062887949282011-10-19T10:49:00.000-07:002011-10-19T10:49:16.799-07:00Rascal Flatts - Stand<iframe width="480" height="270" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/G_Vzpjv_kR4?fs=1" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen=""></iframe>The Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-40213081346642122282011-10-15T03:33:00.000-07:002011-10-15T03:33:57.095-07:00Still alive....just feeling like I have dropped off the side of the planetHello all!!!<br />
Sorry it has been so incredibly long since I have gotten on here to write. I am alive and well, but very busy and tired. Life continues on. Hope all is well with everyone. There has been a song that has been in my head for several months now that kinda has hit me differently with the challenges that my life has brought me. Its by Rascal Flatts and its called Stand. Check it out. Its a keeper! I love country music and one of my very faves is Rascal Flatts! Anyhow, in the song it talks about how you basically get knocked down and you have to get up, dust yourself off, and stand back up. You will see how strong you really are. I promise its a lot better than the way I just described it, but ya know....<br />
I feel like it fits with all of us and the different struggles that we go through. Only a loving Heavenly Father knows where we are at and where we need to be and exactly what needs to happen to get us there. Unfortunately it is most often accompanied by trials. We just gotta keep on standing back up.<br />
Love you all. Thanks for your continued prayers, love and support.<br />
Love, KeiraThe Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-35905754868002203892011-10-07T14:07:00.000-07:002011-10-07T14:07:34.411-07:00More than one kind of missionary workThis morning I found out that a senior missionary couple is now working with LDSFS to help us hopeful adoptive couples here in northern Nevada. That is their mission. They are from Nevada and are able to do their mission in their own home. I don't know all the details but part of what they will be doing is getting our profiles to hospitals, talking to bishops, and basically getting our names out there. I'm so excited about this and hoping their help will help us. So this means it is time to update our profile, which I've been meaning to do for a couple months now. The missionary couple actually has a daughter who adopted their first child through LDSFS and a few other children through the state, and they have another daughter who is going through LDSFS as well. They think this might be why they were called to do this mission. At least I think that's what I heard. I was told all this second hand. That's all the info I have and thought I'd share since I'm excited about this. And I know I already said that. Give me a break, this makes me happy.<br />
~CandiceThe Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3479881630095402930.post-18007691759457603052011-10-05T15:11:00.000-07:002011-10-05T15:11:28.173-07:00There hasn't been much activity on here from Keira and I, although I can't speak for Keira but the reason behind my inactivity is because there really hasn't been anything new. Still going through ups and downs. Always going through them. But there's nothing new in that. Still trying to get our name out there in hopes of adopting. Going to be doing more infertility procedures. Not looking forward to that, but if it gets us a baby, I'm more than willing.<br />
Watched General Conference this last weekend. Really enjoyed it. Got me motivated to read the Book of Mormon more often. I get in phases where I read it all the time and then there are lulls in my reading. Then there was one talk that made mention of different sorts of people, couples with children, people who are single and childless, couples who are childless. To be quite frank, I don't remember much of his talk because I was just crying through it. Then there was another talk about fathers raising daughters, and Shalum couldn't listen to it and left the room for that one. But for the most part I enjoyed the conference. I love listening to our prophet, Thomas S. Monson. I have always enjoyed listening to his talks. You can feel his love for all of us when you listen to him.<br />
In a week and a half I'll be spending an evening with two other couples who live here in Elko, who are also part of the LDS Family Services Las Vegas adoption agency. We're really good friends with one of the couples, the other we have yet to meet. Dinner and games. I'm looking forward to it. But other than that. There's been nothing new.<br />
Oh, the twins are doing good. Taylor was moved to a big girl crib a couple days ago. They're both growing and gaining weight.<br />
~CandiceThe Luv Bughttp://www.blogger.com/profile/00915273943105946297noreply@blogger.com0