Well, I have been meaning and needing to get on here and post about my thoughts and feelings for a long time. I had shoulder surgery the end of January and have not been on since. Through that time I have found that I need this. I need to get on and get my feelings out, because it helps so they don't continue to build up and up and then eventually bubble over.
I have had an experience that has happened over my absence and it has brought to light a little bit as to why I am the way that I am, and how much I hate it. Mikes family all live very close together, even some extended family. So often we all get together, and I am very supportive (at least I try to be) about going to the many family outings. Well, a few weeks ago we had a big family gathering with people from out of town all coming together. We made plans to go, and hoped to have a good time. I really struggle with big groups, and don't really feel accepted. I am shy and have a hard time including myself in things.
Well, this time was a bit different. I went in with a positive attitude and was happy and as about outgoing as I could push myself to be. Well, all was well until Mikes cousins came in. We love them, but they are expecting, and its hard on me when anyone around me is expecting. I tend to try to distance myself to help manage the ache that inevitably comes with it. Well, we said hello and talked for a minute, but that was it. I couldn't say anything about her pregnancy or anything, I just pretend its not happening, hoping that it makes it easier. Later in the night she was surrounded by my sisters in law and many others bonding and laughing and talking about the joys of pregnancy and everything else. I was sitting close enough to hear, which then is close enough to hurt, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I held it all inside, and then the entire drive home I sobbed. My heart ached so deeply. Not just for myself and infertility, but for the bonding experiences and eternal friendships that I am ultimately missing out on. Mike and I talked many hours that night about how I felt, and what needed to change. Here's my problem, and I still have yet to find a solution....maybe someone can help me. My feelings are so sensitive and tender towards my infertility. When people around me get pregnant it is hard for me, and my heart inevitably aches. So, somewhat by choice and somewhat just happening I have built up a stone wall around my heart. I let very few people in to know and see the real me. I want to let more people in and to be able to make lasting friendships, but like when my sisters-in-law were standing around talking to Mike's cousin about her pregnancy, I close up, for fear of saying something and then just bursting into tears. Everything is so close to the surface that I am deathly afraid of talking and just breaking down. I want to stay strong in front of people, which leads me to close up. I don't know how to open up and let people in, and still be able to protect my heart from the pain that follows.
Not many probably know or even remember, but when our whole infertility thing was just coming out after our first year or so of marriage, and we had found that starting a family won't be coming easy for us, I got so depressed. I have never in my life been in such a dark and depressing place. I hated everything and everyone around me including myself. Our marriage started to suffer a little, and I was not pleasant to be around. I had no one to turn to, and I felt so very deeply alone. It has taken me a long time to dig myself out of that pit I was in, but with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ's help and love, I finally have overcome those terrible feelings. I am scared to death to fall back into that trap I was in for so long. So, what do I do? Well, the way I see it, I either 1. keep the wall around my heart to protect it, and miss out on friendships and walk the lonely road, or 2. I open up and try to let people in and hopefully makes some friends along the way, but I am walking constantly with an aching heart, and the fear of that dark depressing place that once was home. I am feeling lost and confused amidst all my feelings and thoughts, so please share, if you have any thoughts or advice...
~Keira
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Keira, I love you. I think you are wonderful. In my experience most people don't know how to act/react to someone going through infertility. They feel guilt about being pregnant and they don't really know how to include you. So they don't. It's not intentional. It's just awkward. So my thoughts would be to open up. Maybe just to a few close people at first to test the waters, and then let in a few more. I think that the more we open our hearts the more love can abound in both directions. So if you are willing to open yourself up others will be able to understand you. They can learn to be more sensitive. And I think eventually you will be able to love the person and find joy in their situation as well. You have to lead the way though. People don't know where to tread when it comes to your pain. So if you open up and even cry in front of people they will know it's okay to talk and how you want to proceed. You can still take part in the friendships, you'll just have to be willing to open up. And then if a conversation does start to steer in a direction you know will be hurtful it's time to politely excuse yourself. You can't stop women from talking about pregnancy and birth, but you can include yourself if you open up. I know it's hard. I think you are wonderful and brave. And I've been meaning to call you every day since your surgery to check on you. I'm sorry I haven't. As we've already discussed, I struggle to open up as well. But I love you and hope you are well.
ReplyDeleteI agree completely with what Melanee said. As much as I hate talking about my infertility, I still do. I have even made close friendships by doing this. It's hard and it often makes me cry, but it's worth it to have those friendships where you aren't afraid to open up and even cry. Although I still try to avoid pregnant women, it's not always possible to do, and so I always do my best to steer the conversations to other things, and in truth most of my friends and family who are pregnant do the same when speaking to me. Because I've opened up to them, they are aware of my pain. Granted when a group of women get together and at least one is pregnant, it's inevitable that the conversation will turn to pregnancy and that's when I either just sit there with a smile on my face and just bear through it or I have done what Melanee suggested, politely excuse myself. I still struggle to find joy for others who are pregnant, and there are even times when I refuse to talk about my infertility. During those times I just simply say, I can't talk about that right now. And all but one time, which I won't go into, have respected that when asking me. You're heart will still ache, exceedingly so sometimes, but it does make it easier to have close friendships. So I would recommend opening up to others.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above in that it's likely to be well worth the risk to open up. You'll probably find if you do that you have more in common than not. It's even possible that these women have also struggled with infertility. I know that some of my best and most lasting friendships have been the result of me trying to ignore the discomfort of my natural shyness -- to get past what I would have initially seen as impassable differences -- and to just jump right and in and go for it. It's never been an easy thing for me to do, but it has always been worth it.
ReplyDeleteLast night I was reading the blog of another friend who is struggling with infertility. She was quoting the blog of another friend of hers who is also struggling with infertility (really -- I think you'll discover if you open up to others that you are far from alone in this difficulty, despite how many pregnant women you seem to encounter), and I think what she had to share is worth sharing here. Speaking of her own infertility, she said that it was important to "allow it to be a part of us, but not to let it define us." Remember that these struggles you are dealing with are only a part of you, not all of you. You are so much more than your aching heart, no matter how much it hurts. Find those parts of you and use them to your advantage as you try to open up to others.
One other thing... I was just reading the article in the February Ensign called "Similarities and Differences," and even though it has nothing to do with fertility, I think the principle it talks about has everything to do with your situation. It highlights the fact that we as sisters in the gospel are more similar than different. Anyway, go read it. You might find it helpful.
ReplyDeleteThanks girls for your comments. I do agree with what has been suggested,and I will have to try to open up, but its going to be a huge struggle. Just keep moving...just keep moving....:)
ReplyDeletelova ya girls and thanks for your undying support.
-keira