A language called compassion and empathy

   The other day I was rescued by a great friend asking me to go on a walk. If you know anything about me...the answer was YES I would LOVE to go on a walk...enjoy the sunshine...and chat. Especially when I have had a REALLY cruddy day and had spent the hour prior crying my eyes out. On our walk...her and I talked a lot. Well, in all honesty.... I vented a lot and she listened and comforted. :)
   Well, we got on the topic of compassion and empathy. Just for those English nerds that love having the definitions (like myself) Compassion-- sympathetic concern for the suffering or misfortunes of others. Empathy-- the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
    After my venting and crying my friend told me that she thought that the ability to have compassion and empathy is like another language. Many people don't know how to speak that language. We then talked about how when we are open in our suffering we allow others the opportunity to show compassion and empathy to us and as we allow it and they show forth this love we strengthen a relationship and become closer. I believe you become closer to another person through suffering than in any other way possible.
    So..... why can some speak this language and others seemingly can't?
    The conclusion I have come to is that as we suffer and deal with our own trials, they will change us and help us to learn to be compassionate and empathetic----IF WE LET THEM. It's not automatic.  I believe that no one is naturally great at this...some may have it better than others but ones own suffering is the greatest teacher of this.
      Let me illustrate through an experience I had: growing up my sister just older than me and I were never really close. She is 2 years older than me and we were just very different people. Well, several years ago she was pregnant with what would have been her 5 child. It was a boy and she was pretty far along...past the point of common miscarriage. Well, I remember my mom calling me to notify us that Nyree had lost her baby. I was devastated! How could that happen? What do I do? What can I say? Maybe I won't call, because I am afraid I may say the wrong things. No....not calling is not the right answer. Well, I got up the nerve to call and figured all I could say was I'm sorry, because I didn't truly understand how she felt. How could I offer comfort when I had never even been able to get pregnant and so I couldn't possibly understand the loss. Well, I remember calling and I could barely choke out the words...I'm sorry and I love you because before I knew it I was balling on the phone. We cried together. I had no real words of comfort or any possible way to take away her hurt or pain (although I desperately wanted to) but I showed her I loved her and had compassion and empathy as I cried with her on the phone. It was then a couple years later that she had the opportunity to reciprocate that EXACT scenario. I had miraculously gotten pregnant and had lost my baby. Sure enough... she called and she offered me great advice (as she had been there) and she cried with me on the phone. I remember her telling me that the pain and suffering she felt when she lost her little one was awful, but she would go through it all again if it could take it away from me. Who would do that? I was and am still in awe of her. Then Stephen (her husband) asked to talk to Mike and gave Mike great support and even cried with him. Mike still remembers, as do I, the conversations he had with Stephen and the love he felt. The relationship had been strengthened as empathy, compassion and love had been shown and our relationship had been changed forever.
   I believe that to show empathy and compassion you don't need to know what the other person is going through exactly. But-- you can imagine what they are feeling and the hurt and suffering that they feel, you also feel with them---because you have known your own pain, suffering and misfortunes. You want to take that pain away, and even though you can't---you are willing to do all you can to help ease that burden.
    Well, this got me thinking even deeper. What is our Savior Jesus Christ's role? What was His sacrifice really for? Throughout my trials I have really dug deeper to know more about His atonement. I have come to know that His sacrifice for me and for you was not just for our sins. Yes, it definitely covered our sins and bridged the gap back to our Father in heaven, but did you know that it was also to feel what we feel. Did you catch that? FEEL WHAT WE FEEL. Everything that we go through in this life...He has felt before we did. Every pain, suffering, heartbreak, sickness, doubt, fear, confusion, betrayal. loneliness.....the list goes on. He felt it all before we do. Why? To be our greatest comforter and supporter. Who can offer better advice, comfort, love and security than someone who has been EXACTLY where we are at? That's why He did it. He knows that just as we strengthen our bonds with each other as we show forth compassion and empathy...as we turn to Him in our pain and sufferings that He will show forth compassion, empathy, and love and our relationship with Him can be forever changed as well. This is so important. In this---trials are vital! Trials have the power to change us and alter our relationships with Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and our fellow man forever----if we allow them to.
   Be real and allow others to see your sufferings. Allow others to help and be there and show forth their love, compassion and empathy, as it has the power to change us all! Life is hard! We need each other. We are not helping ourselves or others by suffering in silence. Heavenly Father wants us to open up to him and each other. We can learn so much from one another and there is strength in numbers. This is why satan is so set on getting you alone. Don't allow it. There are others who can help you and in turn you can help. That is the reason we are all here anyway, right?
    For the first time in my life I am SO grateful for my trials. They have shaped me into the person that God needs me to be. They have helped me to learn to be compassionate and empathetic to others and have ultimately brought me so much closer to my loving Savior Jesus Christ. He is my best friend and he has never left my side. Even when things got real dark...he was carrying me though and helping to make me stronger everyday.
   Friends, I need you and (hopefully) you need me. Lets stick together and we can get through this crazy thing called life!
~Keira

Trials never cease....

I haven't written a blog post in about 3 years. We were placed with our son the end of 2011 and for the most part, I've been fine with our infertility. I have come to love adoption and loved being able to grow our family this way. But then difficult things come up, and it becomes a struggle again. And while I love adoption, I'm having a difficult time with it right now. We had another failed placement over a year ago (that makes three, we had two before we were placed with Jared). And now we're going through another possible failed placement. But this one has been SO much harder than the others. And the others were really hard for us.

We were chosen by a birth mother in September. She was expecting a boy due December 12th. Early morning on October 20th, I get a phone call that the baby had been born a few hours earlier and that the baby was actually a girl! Quite the surprise! Because she was born so early she was transferred to Oklahoma City for better care. I was able to go and spend about a week with her. I came back home and we were planning our next trip the following week, which Shalum would be coming with me this time. However, two days after I left, baby girl needed an emergency blood transfusion but the hospital couldn't get a hold of the birth mom. And since we weren't officially placed with her at that time (placement needed to happen in Arkansas, not Oklahoma) the hospital wouldn't contact us, nor would they even take our contact info. Since they couldn't get a hold of the birth mom, they called in social services on grounds of abandonment, so they could get a 'go ahead' for the transfusion.

And since she has been in Oklahoma State care, they have told us things that we needed to do and then came back saying that's not how it works and whoever told you that was wrong. (after we did what we were first told, which ended up costing us a lot of money. Adoption is expensive enough without adding unnecessary costs to it). They also rejected our current home study because it wasn't thorough enough, and will be requesting a new one through ICPC. (The adoption agency we initially did our home study through was blown away by that. They said their home studies have never been rejected before and the worst that had ever happened was an addendum was requested which usually happened with international adoptions.

Right now the caseworker is waiting on her social security card. I wish they had started working on this in November. It's March now and she was released from the hospital in January and has been in a foster home ever since. For more than two months now. They can't give us any details on how she's doing. I haven't seen her since she was two weeks old. I am struggling a great deal with this. The caseworker is often difficult to get a hold of. And I'm worried that if the foster family decides they want to adopt her, that a judge will rule in their favor. It has become a disaster and I don't know if/when we'll be placed with her. I'm missing this important bonding time with her. I'm missing her milestones. I'm missing her. I may not have given birth to her, but I fell in love with her while I was with her. And I am devastated by the way this has turned out. I just pray that she's doing well and being taken good care of. I'm also worried that if we are placed with her, what that transition might do to her. But I'm also worried what will happen to her if she isn't placed with us.

I'm back to hurting when I see babies and pregnant women. I'm struggling with how easy it is for others to have children and I'm also struggling with how much of an easier experience others I know have with adoption. Even with Jared there were some complications with the adoption, not the placement, but getting to the adoption. Some days I just want to quit and say forget it, it's too hard. While I say that, I know I'm not going to give up, even though I think it will be easier. But as the saying goes 'good things don't come easy'. I keep having to remind myself of that. And I know that somehow, I'll be better and stronger for this. I'm glad that I have a strong testimony of our Savior, the gospel, and Heavenly Father's plan of Salvation that I know this won't crush me. But it is certainly a very hard trial.

~Candice

Long overdue update :) Exciting news!!

  Well, its been a long long time since I last wrote! A lot has happened. In the last year Mike and I have been seeing a fertility specialist. It was decided that we didn't know how far we were going to go in the process, but just wanted some answers as to why we have been unable to have kids the past 10 years.
   Well, long story short---we got answers. We have infertility that affects both of us. As if single infertility wasn't hard enough,  we got double. :( It was a hard pill to swallow. I left that first day with a cloud overhead and just felt hopeless. I was diagnosed with poly cystic ovarian syndrome as well as an underactive thyroid. All in all---my ENTIRE struggle is hormone based. Because of my pcos it affects my blood sugar and makes it extremely difficult to lose weight, I am in pain often, my period is irregular and EXTREMELY heavy so much so that it seems I am passing a baby every month in the size of blood clots. Its awful! I get hair in places that hair should NEVER be. All in all I feel very self conscience and so much less of a woman. It just adds to it that the dr. doesn't give me any help on managing my symptoms except to lose weight and that will help manage the other symptoms.  Well, when that doesn't seem to be possible....now what? Its frustrating that with pcos every single person that has it has different set of symptoms. Its all very overwhelming and discouraging. I have heard that I have to cut out all dairy as the hormones in dairy products interfere and throw off our own personal hormones. So, I tried that. I know that eating sugar is bad in MANY ways and so I have cut out that. I have been gluten-free for a year and a half and it seems the more I cut out and eat healthier---the more weight I gain. I seriously do not get it. I have wanted to throw in the towel and just say forget it---but what if it will help me get pregnant in the end? It keeps me going and trying and everytime I start bleeding I wonder why I keep trying. I heard once that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result. Well, thats me EVERY SINGLE MONTH. Why?! When is enough enough? Am I just throwing all my money away in fertility treatments for nothing?  Well, after trying a few different things and MANY frustrations with our dr. we decided to give it a break. In all honesty-- it never really felt right. I don't know if it was just not right right then-- but it never felt like it was right for us at that point. We got our answers and went our way. It is so draining---financially, emotionally, and mentally. It makes me VERY vulnerable and my emotions are raw. So, a break we took.
    Many years ago I read a book about a little boy that was abused and put into foster care and the experiences he had. It caused me to ponder and I talked to Mike and he jumped on the foster care wagon. I was teetering. I felt like I would LOVE to help and love on some babies, but I didn't want my heart ripped out--  --Been there done that-- with a failed adoption and then my own miscarriage back in 2011-- and the toll that heart break took on my system. After my own pain I turned away from God and have never been in such a dark place. It was the first time in my life that I felt like my faith was not enough to get me through--and that was terrifying. BUT- I not only made it through but I am stronger and have a personal relationship with my Savior as He carried me through that time. It has caused me to spend so much more time on my knees and in studying the scriptures to strengthen my faith so that I am more prepared next time.
   So, I was NOT ready and felt I would NEVER be ready and open to heartache. So, Mike dropped it and never brought it up again.
    Well, then many months ago I happened on a blog post from a lady I have never met and she shares her experiences with her foster babies. I read that and balled. Ugly uncontrollable sobs. It was unreal what parents do to their innocent babies. I felt a stirring in my heart to save those babes. For once it was not about me and the pain I was signing up for, but my focus was on them---those babies that hurt in so many more heart wrenching ways and have noone to protect them and are too young to protect themselves. Here I was--striving to protect my heart while there are SO many that need real protection.
   The stirring in my heart happened that day and never left. I had so many doubts and fears, but it all came back to the babies. It only took a whole 2 seconds to get Mike on board and we jumped on. In January we  met our foster care agent and he answered many questions and got us on the right path. There is SO much involved in becoming registered foster parents and so it is a very slow process, but we are in the process. It still is unreal. I still have many doubts and fears, but as I put my faith and trust in a loving Heavenly Father-- He wipes those fears and doubts and comforts my heart. I feel honored to be chosen to help these broken spirits on their road to healing and be able to teach them of a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior Jesus Christ that has felt their pain and can strengthen and heal them. I have felt broken in my own ways through my infertility journey and Christ has made my weaknesses strengths and helped to heal my heart and I get to help them. I have so much love to give and I am so excited for the experience and the opportunity.
  I used to think that there is no way I could do foster care because I would get too attached-- it would be too hard. Well, thats exactly the purpose of foster care. To bridge the gap and give these littles someone to care for them. Someone to be their advocate and fight for their needs. I may have them for a long time or a very brief period, but whatever it is I am asked to do--I will give it my whole heart. They deserve that much! And when its time to say goodbye-- it will hurt, but I will know that at least for that brief time I helped them to heal and to feel loved and they helped me by filling a void I have had for a very long time. We need eachother. Here is an excerpt from a blog that I loved and I needed to share:

"I can never be a foster parent. I'd get too attached."

If I had a dollar for every time I heard this. In fact, I hear it almost every single time me being a foster parent comes up. 

So, I want to clarify a little something.

1) I am not some woman with the super power to love and attach only to the extent that it won't hurt me. 

That super power doesn't exist. 

You could even say I'm attached. And it will hurt to say good-bye. 

So if you are the kind of person that would get "too attached", congratulations. You'd be a great fit as a foster parent.

2) Attachment is kinda the point. 

Ok, so I would love to hear about the last time you stopped by your local orphanage. Seriously. If you have visited an orphanage here in the states, please comment and tell me about it. 

But... My guess is you've never seen one.  Right?

That is because the US got rid of orphanages. Why? Because of attachment. 

When a child doesn't form a bond to a person before the age of 2, their ability to function as a normal person is severely impaired. And that bond was not forming  in a group home or institution. 

A kid needs a family. 

Bio is of course first choice. But when a bio family can't provide that bonding in a safe and loving atmosphere, enter foster families. 

We step in --- and we get attached. At least, as much as we can. We stand in the kids' corner, advocate for their needs, love them as if we gave birth to them, dream, and pray, and hope for them with all our might. 

And then one day, we have to say Good-Bye. 

We have to let go and hope that all of our love and sleepless nights and fears and hopes and prayers and meetings and sensory tools and visits and preparations were enough. 

We hope that we bonded and they bonded to us. We hope that we gave them the gift of the ability to trust others. To believe in their own worth. To know they are loved. To know that God has never forgotten them. To know that there is something to love and relationships outside of abuse and neglect. 

In short, getting too attached is one of the best gifts we could give these kids.

Even if it hurts to say good-bye.