Friday, January 28, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
WORD OF THE DAY
Multiple Dwarf Syndrome - A state caused by the ups and downs of fertility treatments, characterized by describing oneself as some combination of grumpy, sleepy, dopey, bashful, etc; especially effective descriptor if you include what we like to call the "alternative dwarves", such as horny, witchy, barfy, crampy, etc.
Monday, January 24, 2011
For those of you who want to be in the loop (which I really don't blame you, after all, my loop is great)
We had our pride training class for fostering this weekend. All day Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. My brain is in overload right now. Now comes more paperwork, prepping the house for any and all changes we need to make, a home study, cpr training, etc, etc. I'm sure there's more, I just can't think right now, my brain is tired. I just wanted to keep you all up on what's going on. And I'm going to just end this now, because of tired brain. I seriously cannot think at the moment. So off to do dishes. Yea.
-Candice
-Candice
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Just wants to be understood
Yesterday and today I've been a bit angry and annoyed. Don't you hate how often and how quickly your emotions can rollercoaster? I sure do. Over the years I have had people (not a whole lot, but enough to bother me) tell me that at least I haven't gone through a miscarriage. As if what I'm going through isn't so difficult. Well you know what? It is difficult. It's very difficult for me. Keira and I were talking about this yesterday, and we both feel the same way. If we were to get pregnant and miscarry, well at least we'd know we CAN conceive, and that there is hope there. Sure we would be devastated, but we would have more hope than we have now. Talking with her about it reminded me of a book I bought about overcoming infertility. The author had dealt with infertility herself, and after years of taking herbs, cleansing her body, acupuncture, you name it she did it, she finally conceived. Nine weeks into the pregnancy, she miscarried. Naturally she was devastated. But she said through her despair she found a piece of hope in that now she knew she COULD get pregnant. Now she worked on getting pregnant and carrying full term. There were a couple things she said that stood out to me. First thing:
'After more than a year of frustration our relationship began to feel the strain. I was moody and short-tempered, often on the verge of tears. I couldn't bear to watch other women's pregnant bellies grow while mine remained an empty tomb. My every thought revolved around what I was doing (or had done) wrong. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I do what every other woman could accomplish so easily?'
That was the first thing that really hit me. Because I have had those very thoughts and feelings, many times. I hate it when people who have never struggled with infertility tell me I shouldn't be bitter towards those who don't struggle with that (which I admit, at times I have been bitter towards them). I also hate when people tell me that I'm lucky we didn't have children right away. Yeah well I really doubt those people would like to try for 7 years unsuccessfully. And I hate it when they make it out as if what I'm going through isn't as difficult as I'm making it out to be. Now the next thing she wrote that hit me, hit me much harder.
'It can be hard for some couples to grieve for something that they've never had. The people around them may not understand the depth of their grief when there has never been a child to be lost. Yet, isn't that the cause of their grief in the first place? The child they yearned for and hoped for is just as real to them as the child another couple held in their arms. Losing the hope of someday seeing their child firsthand can be just as devastating as experiencing a miscarriage or stillbirth. And that's important to understand.'
That hit me so hard, because that's exactly how I have felt. A year and a half ago, I could have had a child starting kindergarten, and I cried and I struggled, and it hurt to see little school kids. I felt like I was missing this milestone, that this had been taken from me. And it was very real to me, even though I had never even been pregnant.
As much as I hate hearing when someone is pregnant, it does break my heart when I hear that they've miscarried. And I'm not saying that I feel as if my infertility is more difficult than a miscarriage. I'm just saying that it can be JUST AS difficult.
-Candice
'After more than a year of frustration our relationship began to feel the strain. I was moody and short-tempered, often on the verge of tears. I couldn't bear to watch other women's pregnant bellies grow while mine remained an empty tomb. My every thought revolved around what I was doing (or had done) wrong. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I do what every other woman could accomplish so easily?'
That was the first thing that really hit me. Because I have had those very thoughts and feelings, many times. I hate it when people who have never struggled with infertility tell me I shouldn't be bitter towards those who don't struggle with that (which I admit, at times I have been bitter towards them). I also hate when people tell me that I'm lucky we didn't have children right away. Yeah well I really doubt those people would like to try for 7 years unsuccessfully. And I hate it when they make it out as if what I'm going through isn't as difficult as I'm making it out to be. Now the next thing she wrote that hit me, hit me much harder.
'It can be hard for some couples to grieve for something that they've never had. The people around them may not understand the depth of their grief when there has never been a child to be lost. Yet, isn't that the cause of their grief in the first place? The child they yearned for and hoped for is just as real to them as the child another couple held in their arms. Losing the hope of someday seeing their child firsthand can be just as devastating as experiencing a miscarriage or stillbirth. And that's important to understand.'
That hit me so hard, because that's exactly how I have felt. A year and a half ago, I could have had a child starting kindergarten, and I cried and I struggled, and it hurt to see little school kids. I felt like I was missing this milestone, that this had been taken from me. And it was very real to me, even though I had never even been pregnant.
As much as I hate hearing when someone is pregnant, it does break my heart when I hear that they've miscarried. And I'm not saying that I feel as if my infertility is more difficult than a miscarriage. I'm just saying that it can be JUST AS difficult.
-Candice
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
What goes up must come down....
This perfectly describes my last few days. I was on a very happy high, and now I am back down to what has become all too familiar over the last few years. I have been holding off on writing because I kept thinking about how I might look or sound to other people, and just kept telling myself to not write and my hard and bad feelings will go away in a couple days. So, all morning at work I have been talking to myself and letting my true feelings out, and I finally decided that this is an honest blog. This blog was started to help me get my feelings out no matter how hard it is so that I can learn to cope with them better. So, here it is...
Well, since I wrote my last entry I have really been having a hard time, and really, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I am happy, that all is well, and that I have so much to look forward to, I know better. I know part of it is my pms, part of it is that I am in a lot of physical pain, because of my shoulder, and another part is because the last few days it seems that several people are pregnant around me and all they do is complain about it.
Yesterday a good friend I work with told me that she was pregnant, and how she was not happy about it, because her boyfriend is treating her badly, and she wants him to have nothing to do with their baby. All in all it is a very sad situation. For her, and for the unborn baby. She has a 2 year old that she really cannot take care of. He lives at her grandparents, and she sees him a few hours after work, but other that that he goes to the babysitters all day, and then sleeps at her grandparents. How sad is that? Then today she was complaining about how her body is now going to be making all sorts of adjustments that it does during pregnancy and how horrible it is. She is more emotional, and how she is going to start gaining weight, and how fat she looks. Really? What about the miracle of creating a life? And the experience to feel your baby move inside you? At this point I wanted to start screaming at her these very things, but I bit my tongue and held it all inside. Swallowed my feelings in a sense, which I have come to do quite often when I can't afford to let my feelings out and then have to cope with them.
My cousin is now pregnant with her second and on facebook she posted how she was unhappy about it because she didn't want to gain the weight that comes with it, even though it is for a good cause. I was livid. I can't quite describe the feelings that overcame me when I read that. So, I decided to respond, and despite my anger I wrote a very nice comment about how she needs to count her blessings and be grateful for the fact that she can procreate. And how there are many of us that would do anything to have a baby of our own even with the added weight. It does not come easy for all of us, and the pain and the deep sorrow that we feel some days can be crippling. I don't think people understand that. I truly feel physical pain at times when it becomes so hard. Anyway, my cousin never responded to my comment, and even that bothered me a little. But alas, I hope it helped her think about it and realize how truly blessed she is. Rather than being so concerned about her figure.
I am at the point I don't know what else to do. I try to find comfort in being positive. I try to find comfort in holding my feelings inside. I try to find comfort in moving on with my life. Is there any comfort for me? Is there anything that can help when I feel so alone and unhappy? I truly don't know at this point.
-Keira
Well, since I wrote my last entry I have really been having a hard time, and really, no matter how hard I try to convince myself that I am happy, that all is well, and that I have so much to look forward to, I know better. I know part of it is my pms, part of it is that I am in a lot of physical pain, because of my shoulder, and another part is because the last few days it seems that several people are pregnant around me and all they do is complain about it.
Yesterday a good friend I work with told me that she was pregnant, and how she was not happy about it, because her boyfriend is treating her badly, and she wants him to have nothing to do with their baby. All in all it is a very sad situation. For her, and for the unborn baby. She has a 2 year old that she really cannot take care of. He lives at her grandparents, and she sees him a few hours after work, but other that that he goes to the babysitters all day, and then sleeps at her grandparents. How sad is that? Then today she was complaining about how her body is now going to be making all sorts of adjustments that it does during pregnancy and how horrible it is. She is more emotional, and how she is going to start gaining weight, and how fat she looks. Really? What about the miracle of creating a life? And the experience to feel your baby move inside you? At this point I wanted to start screaming at her these very things, but I bit my tongue and held it all inside. Swallowed my feelings in a sense, which I have come to do quite often when I can't afford to let my feelings out and then have to cope with them.
My cousin is now pregnant with her second and on facebook she posted how she was unhappy about it because she didn't want to gain the weight that comes with it, even though it is for a good cause. I was livid. I can't quite describe the feelings that overcame me when I read that. So, I decided to respond, and despite my anger I wrote a very nice comment about how she needs to count her blessings and be grateful for the fact that she can procreate. And how there are many of us that would do anything to have a baby of our own even with the added weight. It does not come easy for all of us, and the pain and the deep sorrow that we feel some days can be crippling. I don't think people understand that. I truly feel physical pain at times when it becomes so hard. Anyway, my cousin never responded to my comment, and even that bothered me a little. But alas, I hope it helped her think about it and realize how truly blessed she is. Rather than being so concerned about her figure.
I am at the point I don't know what else to do. I try to find comfort in being positive. I try to find comfort in holding my feelings inside. I try to find comfort in moving on with my life. Is there any comfort for me? Is there anything that can help when I feel so alone and unhappy? I truly don't know at this point.
-Keira
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Ways to find ENJOYMENT in life
#1 - Write a book
About 4 years or so ago, I was just lounging around and I had this sudden thought come into my head 'I should write a book.' But then I talked myself out of it. 'Write a book?' I thought. 'I have no idea how to write a book. I don't write.' So I forgot about it. You see, ever since I was a little girl, stories have always come to my mind. I remember in 5th grade writing a story for school about a polar bear going to Florida on vacation, that's all I really remember about it, but I remember liking it. And another time when I was 12 or 13 my family and I were at my grandma's. My older sister and I were outside sitting on a swing, and Lacey told me to tell her a story. So I started telling her some story that contained me and my friends as some sort of mythical creatures on some adventure. We both got a huge kick out of it. She told me I needed to write it down. So later, I got on our computer and wrote part of it, I never finished it before our computer crashed and I lost it, which still saddens me to this day.
Then a few months ago I was on the phone with Lacey and we started talking about writing books and what not, and I told her of a story that I would like to write but I had no idea how to. She encouraged me to do it. She said the hardest part is starting. She said to just start it and eventually it will come together. So that very night, I started it. Even though I really enjoy writing it, I think it might take a miracle to finish it. And if, said miracle happens, then it will take another miracle to actually get it published. So we'll see what the future holds. So enjoyment #1, write a book, even if the only person who reads it is you.
~Candice
About 4 years or so ago, I was just lounging around and I had this sudden thought come into my head 'I should write a book.' But then I talked myself out of it. 'Write a book?' I thought. 'I have no idea how to write a book. I don't write.' So I forgot about it. You see, ever since I was a little girl, stories have always come to my mind. I remember in 5th grade writing a story for school about a polar bear going to Florida on vacation, that's all I really remember about it, but I remember liking it. And another time when I was 12 or 13 my family and I were at my grandma's. My older sister and I were outside sitting on a swing, and Lacey told me to tell her a story. So I started telling her some story that contained me and my friends as some sort of mythical creatures on some adventure. We both got a huge kick out of it. She told me I needed to write it down. So later, I got on our computer and wrote part of it, I never finished it before our computer crashed and I lost it, which still saddens me to this day.
Then a few months ago I was on the phone with Lacey and we started talking about writing books and what not, and I told her of a story that I would like to write but I had no idea how to. She encouraged me to do it. She said the hardest part is starting. She said to just start it and eventually it will come together. So that very night, I started it. Even though I really enjoy writing it, I think it might take a miracle to finish it. And if, said miracle happens, then it will take another miracle to actually get it published. So we'll see what the future holds. So enjoyment #1, write a book, even if the only person who reads it is you.
~Candice
A simple thing can go a long way
I just want to say I'm sorry if what I wrote hurt you Kim, I was having some very dark days. You know those days where you're hurting, what feels like beyond repair, you're angry at just about everyone, and you just want to climb under a rock and die. Anyone else have days like that? Raise of hands? And you know what? It's amazing how when you stop thinking about what you don't have and start doing something you really enjoy, how quickly that simple thing can change your perspective. It's simple, but it sure isn't easy. But that's what I've been doing yesterday and today, and guess what? Slump over. I still ache inside, but it's nothing compared to how I was feeling this last week. And what is this enjoyable thing that I have been doing, you may ask? I am writing a book! I started it in August, or maybe it was September. But then I put it to the side these last couple months, and yesterday I decided to get it out and work on it again. And I say again, it's amazing how much just this simple thing has helped lift my mood. So Kim, I can now say that I am happy for you. I know how much you've grieved these past few years, and even though I still ache and I still cry over my own situation, I'm happy for you.
~Candice
~Candice
Moving On...
I just have to start by saying how happy and at peace I have felt in the last several weeks. I have gone through a lot of health challenges, and been in pain a lot, but despite it all I am SO happy. So, when I read about Candice's struggles, it tears me up. I feel so bad. I know how hard it can be when you find out that a loved one is pregnant again, meanwhile we are still w.a.i.t.i.n.g. Not so patiently at times, but we continue to wait.
So, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Mostly about where I am supposed to be at, what I am supposed to be doing to make the most out of my life. Even if I never get the opportunity to have children, I know that I can have a very full and enriching life, but how? I have prayed a lot about this over the years, hoping to gain some insight and peace over having to wait to start my family. But, always in the past I have prayed, but didn't really care to work to get the answer, because I was too scared of what it might be. I was comfortable where I was at, and didn't want to be moved outside that comfort zone. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, recently I have really been praying hard. I have felt a push to move on. I have wasted almost 6 years of my life, waiting and hoping to start my family. Not doing a whole lot about it except complain and cry everytime I hear someone else is pregnant, but me. I look back on the time that could have been well spent other places, and that's what makes me bitter! Why did I waste me life? I was too wallowed up in self-pity for my own situation, instead of shaping and planning my future the way I want. I guess it took Heavenly Father 6 years to get it through my thick stubborn head!
So, the future looks great! Kids or no kids, Mike and I are gonna have so much fun! Recently we have really felt a push to buy a home. I don't know why, because the thought of it scares me to death, but if we have felt it, then it is time to look into it. So, looking we are. Meanwhile praying and fasting like there is no tomorrow. :)
I feel positive about the future. We want to purchase a home, and then maybe shortly after go back to school. That one really doesn't appeal to me, but heck maybe I will like it. We have talked about saving up money and looking into adoption. The possibilities are endless, if we plan for it and shape the future into what we want. It makes me excited for the rest of our lives, and the opportunities that we have with or without children. I know that some days will still be hard, and that it will still be painful, but it will also be exciting in the opportunities that are before us. I just hope and pray that I can keep this outlook in the months, and years ahead.
~Keira
So, I have been doing a lot of thinking. Mostly about where I am supposed to be at, what I am supposed to be doing to make the most out of my life. Even if I never get the opportunity to have children, I know that I can have a very full and enriching life, but how? I have prayed a lot about this over the years, hoping to gain some insight and peace over having to wait to start my family. But, always in the past I have prayed, but didn't really care to work to get the answer, because I was too scared of what it might be. I was comfortable where I was at, and didn't want to be moved outside that comfort zone. I hope that makes sense. Anyway, recently I have really been praying hard. I have felt a push to move on. I have wasted almost 6 years of my life, waiting and hoping to start my family. Not doing a whole lot about it except complain and cry everytime I hear someone else is pregnant, but me. I look back on the time that could have been well spent other places, and that's what makes me bitter! Why did I waste me life? I was too wallowed up in self-pity for my own situation, instead of shaping and planning my future the way I want. I guess it took Heavenly Father 6 years to get it through my thick stubborn head!
So, the future looks great! Kids or no kids, Mike and I are gonna have so much fun! Recently we have really felt a push to buy a home. I don't know why, because the thought of it scares me to death, but if we have felt it, then it is time to look into it. So, looking we are. Meanwhile praying and fasting like there is no tomorrow. :)
I feel positive about the future. We want to purchase a home, and then maybe shortly after go back to school. That one really doesn't appeal to me, but heck maybe I will like it. We have talked about saving up money and looking into adoption. The possibilities are endless, if we plan for it and shape the future into what we want. It makes me excited for the rest of our lives, and the opportunities that we have with or without children. I know that some days will still be hard, and that it will still be painful, but it will also be exciting in the opportunities that are before us. I just hope and pray that I can keep this outlook in the months, and years ahead.
~Keira
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
WORD OF THE DAY
Preggozone: The magnetic area around all infertile women that draws expectant mothers into close viewing range; the first day of any cycle has the greatest magnetic field, closely followed by any day on which an infertile woman fails a pregnancy test.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Struggling
I have been having a very difficult week. I found out last week that one of my sisters-in-law is pregnant...again...with her 16th child. And I cannot feel any happiness for her. I am so devastated. I cried my eyes out when I found out. And then I feel like a horrible person for not feeling happy for her. I just...I just...When will it be my turn? Why can't I just have one? Just one and I will be happy with that.
Shalum wasn't home when I found out. So when he did come home some hours later, I was so depressed, but he was in such a good mood. So I didn't tell him because I didn't want to ruin his day, plus we were having dinner with them later that evening, which was just hard. So I told him later that night, and you know what he said? "We're going to get our family soon. Don't worry, it's going to happen." I love him so much, just him saying that helped give me some hope again. But since that day I have been bombarded on all sides, it seems, by pregnant women and babies. It seems this always happens, maybe it's just because I'm more aware of it at those times when i'm really struggling.
Our foster training class is in a week and a half, so hopefully something will come of this. Because I am so tired of waiting. I am just so tired and discouraged.
~Candice
Shalum wasn't home when I found out. So when he did come home some hours later, I was so depressed, but he was in such a good mood. So I didn't tell him because I didn't want to ruin his day, plus we were having dinner with them later that evening, which was just hard. So I told him later that night, and you know what he said? "We're going to get our family soon. Don't worry, it's going to happen." I love him so much, just him saying that helped give me some hope again. But since that day I have been bombarded on all sides, it seems, by pregnant women and babies. It seems this always happens, maybe it's just because I'm more aware of it at those times when i'm really struggling.
Our foster training class is in a week and a half, so hopefully something will come of this. Because I am so tired of waiting. I am just so tired and discouraged.
~Candice
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