Life continues moving on. Mike has been in school since August, and even though he is only taking 2 classes (7credits) it takes up so much time and energy! We are both still working full-time and he has school and I try to keep everything else in order. Its a lot. I have been feeling so much gratitude lately that we don't have kids. Wait, did I just say that?  I know...its taken me by surprise, but I don't really know how we both could work so much, deal with school, and manage a house and a half acre yard with the startings of a farm. I feel like its too much on most days, since work completely zaps me, and I don't have little kids to go home and care for.
   So as of late, I am happy and grateful that I am not in charge of my life. There is One who is in charge, and knows what is best for me. Some days that doesn't make it any easier or lessen the pain I feel when my heart aches so bad for little ones. However, when I am sick, dealing with my stomach issues, and trying to work 40-60 hours a week and manage everything else around the house I thank heavens that things didn't turn out the way I wanted. We have new goals, and I am so happy that Mike is finally in school, and hopefully I will be shortly behind him, and we have so much to work towards. It excites me!
    I was talking to my mom the other day, and she said something that really hit me hard. She talked about Sheri Dew (She always comapres me to Sheri Dew because her life certainly hasn't gone the way she planned either:  no marriage or kids) but she said that Sheri has written a new book on women and the priesthood, (since this is something new that people are struggling with) and she said that had she been married and had children of her own, she may not have had the time or energy to write this book. Heavenly Father knew that our world would need this book, (and probably many of her other AMAZING books) and without other responsibilities of a family, she had the time, energy, and ability to write them. My mom said maybe that's like me. Maybe I willingly decided in Heaven to sacrifice and not have children in this life, or wait later in life so that I could do a more important work. When she said that I instantly was enveloped in the spirit. I felt so good and it brought tears to my eyes. Heavenly Father does know me, and He knows what I am capapble of and apparently what He needs me to do right now, needs to be done without children. I have decided to do it. I am very timid and shy, but I have decided that He can count on me to do what needs to be done and say what needs to be said.  I didn't sacrifice for nothing, and I am determined to follow HIS plan, and not fight for my own. I love this gospel. It truly is a gospel of HOPE.
   I know that our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for each of us. They know and love all of us unconditionally. The atonement covers not only sins, but also pain, suffering, sickness, and broken hearts. He knows what I desire, but He also knows what I need to accomplish, and the more important work I have at this time.
   Thanks to all my friends and family and strangers who love and support me. I am dealing with my own struggles, as is everyone else, so let's be patient with one another as we all find the work we were sent here to accomplish.
 Love, Keira

Past Regrets=Future Delays

   I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and all the regrets that I have. Mike and I have been married for 8 1/2 years and what do we have thats any different than when we started out all those years ago? Besides joy, pain, and sorrow.....nothing has changed, really. We are in the same boat essentially that we were all that time ago. Most people get married and after a couple years look for the growth and change in having and raising a family. Things work out exactly the way they plan, and have joy and learning as they go.
   What about us? We haven't been able to have kids. NOTHING has worked out the way we planned and I try to have faith and trust in His plan for me, but somedays it just gets to be too much. When I can't see the big picture, and it seems that all that is happening is me being torn apart, and then getting hard, and non feeling and then something happens and I soften and get torn apart again. I am just really tired. Tired of the same things and just continuing to go round and round again.
     I have been thinking about our future lately. Mike started school in August and I will be one year behind him. We are in hopes of getting a degree and moving up in our company since we will have been there 10+ years after we graduate. We can make more money and then look into doing fertility treatments and or adoption again. I know many people judge us based on the fact that we struggle with our infertility, but in others' eyes we aren't doing anything to change it. Honestly, we don't have the money to change it. We made the mistake of not going to college, and now we are in a job that meets our needs, but no money for anything extra, and so even if I was to get pregnant, the reality is  I couldn't afford to stay home. We made that one choice that has affected the impact of our infertility very negatively. We are stuck. There are others who also suffer with infertility, but have made better, wiser choices than us, and they can do something about it. We are working on that now, but its a regret I will live with, and continually beat myself up about. So therefore, our past regrets about putting off school has unfortunately delayed us in our hopes of having a family anytime soon.
     I've really been struggling and been really emotional lately. I have struggled with the ongoing issues of my stomach, I am burned out of work, and this is the month that we lost our one and only baby two years ago. I feel like the pain should be lessened, and in a way, it is. However, it is still really hard for me. I have cried, or felt like crying everyday the past week, and it will continue to be harder as it gets closer and closer. Next month, a week after we lost our babe, I will be turning 30. That's another frustrating factor. I know people can get pregnant in their later years, but it lessens quite drastically from age 30 and on.
   I guess it all comes down to my knowledge and testimony of the gospel, Christ's atonement, and God's plan for my life. He knew we would wait to go to college, and that we would inevitably have to wait to take the steps to hopefully start a family. He knew how hard it would be for me. He knew the pain in my heart, and my struggles of everyday life. He knew it all. BUT, He also knew that I could handle it. He knew that it would stretch me, and test me in so many ways, and He knew that I could overcome my challenges. He knew that as I turned to Him for strength when it feels that I am so depleted that we could do it together. I struggle. I have good days. I have really, hard days. But, I am holding to His strength at this time until I can muster up my own.
    I love my Heavenly Father, and my Savior Jesus Christ so much. I am, so indebted to them for everything. I fall short in so many areas, and grateful that they make up the rest. I am thankful for my family and friends who give me strength and love and support. I love you all.

Article I read on facebook and thought could be beneficial for others to read...

  Hello!!! I am not gone entirely! :) Just been really busy and preoccupied and not put a high priority on the blog, sorry. I have goals to keep updating regularly though, because it really is therapeutic for me. So come back often, and read about my life. This here is an article I read on facebook and brought a lot of emotions and thoughts. I thought it really could be beneficial for others to read as well. Helps to understand what some of us are feeling and going through as we struggle with our own levels of infertility. I will comment on it all in another post. Love you all. ~Keira



I was 31 when I got married, my wife 28- much later than the typical “Utah County Mormon” timeline. We’d each heard “when ya gonna get married?” plenty of times, as if choosing a spouse is like buying a car. Just go find one you like and sign the papers. Done.

But finally, sweet tender mercies, we found each other, got married, and started our life together in Lehi, Utah.

About a month later we saw my friend Adam and his wife in the produce section of the supermarket.

“Have you read the book we gave you yet?” Adam asked.
“Not yet.”
“Read it. Read it together! It’s thought provoking, and will do wonders for your relationship.”
“Will do. I’ll let you know what we think.”
“So when you gonna have kids?” He asked.

And I’m serious. That was literally his next question. We’d only been married a month. He knew that because he had gone to our reception.

I paused for a second.
“Oh, I don’t know Adam… Hopefully 9 months from this morning.” Followed by a sideways smile, winks, and a couple of those awkward fake elbow motions towards my wife’s ribcage.
It totally caught my wife off guard, and she stammered out an embarrassed comment–probably apologetic or something. We all got a good laugh, parted ways, and wished each other well.

That was the first time I realized that within the Mormon community, the you-need-to-follow-the-timeline question of “So, when you gonna get married”, had simply been replaced with “When you gonna have kids?” But we didn’t care. We were newlyweds. Plus, I was the last of 9 kids to get married, and ALL of my siblings were married with kids…so it was only natural to hear that question 10 times or so at family gatherings. We took it in stride because we knew everyone meant well, even though we laughed at how really personal that question was (more on that later).

We had fun with The Question–developing several replies:

1. The Fake Argument: “I don’t know, maybe when SOMEONE decides he is ready to be a FATHER.” followed by, “Well maybe SOMEBODY should start cleaning up after herself!”
2. The Worldly Answer: “Maybe after we save up enough money for a boat.”
3. The Shock the Asker Answer: “Meh… Hopefully never. We don’t like kids.”
4. The Intimate make-everyone-uncomfortable Answer: “Hopefully 9-months from this morning… eh? Eh? (wink wink)

She’s ready. I’m not.

Six months into our marriage, my wife wanted to start trying. But I wasn’t ready yet. I felt like we should wait a bit. My wife didn’t completely understand why I wanted to wait, so this lead to some minor disagreements. “When you gonna have kids?” transformed from silly question to something personal and invasive. When asked, I was reminded of how I was the one getting in the way, holding things up, whereas if my wife were to be asked–she’d think about how she was ready and I wasn’t.

After 1 year of marriage, I jumped on board, and we officially “started trying”.

A few months go by, and my wife still isn’t pregnant. Maybe because we were getting The Question so often, or maybe we felt some pressure because we got what our local society had deemed to be a “late start”, but for whatever reason, we felt incredibly impatient. We tried all the timing methods, but nothing happened. So we saw a doctor who told us some statistics about conception which calmed us down quite a bit. Basically, if everything is working right, you still only have (around) 20% chance of getting pregnant even if everything is timed perfectly. (I can’t remember the exact percentage, but it was along those lines). The woman who gets pregnant from the first attempt is actually an anomaly not the norm. The doctor told us to relax and continue trying, but that after 8 more months we still weren’t pregnant, then we would do some tests.

After a year of trying

A year flew by, and my wife was still not pregnant. We’d been married for 2 years, and had been asked The Question seemingly thousands of times. It was now a reminder of the disappointment we felt each month. We stopped having as much fun with the answers, and would say things like “As soon as Mother Nature cooperates”, or “As soon as God wants us to” with an almost resigned nature.

My wife’s sister, who got married within a few weeks of us, was pregnant for the second time. I think from washing their clothes together or something, they are seriously that fertile. My wife’s friends seemed to all be getting pregnant with ease. It seemed our whole neighborhood was pregnant. As Mormons, we are very family oriented–and having kids was a big part of that. We didn’t want to miss out.

I remember one time a woman in the ward we barely knew was talking to my wife:

Lady we barely knew: “When you going to have kids?”
My wife: “Well, we’re trying…”
Lady we barely knew: “Wait, how old are you?”
My wife: “Uh… 30?”
Lady we barely knew: “Well, maybe that’s the problem.”

My wife told me about it after church, shaking her head a little that someone would treat the age of 30 as the age of barrenness.

A word on procreation and family planning

Let’s take a break from my story and think about how personal the subject of family planning is:

Procreation itself not only involves the highest level of intimacy and the most private of private parts, but all kinds of other highly personal factors. From the very painful ones such as infertility, impotence, or miscarriages, to awkward topics like finances, or perhaps the contention that could arise from one spouse being super ready while the other is dragging their feet. We’ve all heard that each couple has that one recurring argument–and differing priorities on family planning can be one of the most sensitive and raw arguments a couple can have.

Getting the test results

After 2 years of trying with no success, we did what we were nervous to do, started getting tested.

Not long after, we were told the news we’d been dreading–though not necessarily the way we thought it would come.  I was completely infertile. As in ZERO. I emphasize zero because some men can have a low count… mine was zero.

I was devastated.

It was like someone had punched me in the solar plexus, and not only knocked the wind out of me, but had injected my entire body with an overwhelming feeling of inadequacy. My wife was in tears as she told me the results. I just remember feeling like my face was literally numb. I also remember trying to snap out of it, and made this hollow attempt at putting on a brave face. It was awful.

Shortly after that, we went to a Urologist that supposedly specialized in fertility issues, so we could get a bigger picture. He sent his assistant in to tell the news at first, but I insisted on hearing directly from him. So he came in begrudgingly and sat across that poorly lit room and told me I had “testicular failure”, and it was irreversible. I remember facing that Urologist trying to keep eye contact as if to show I could handle it, as bit by bit I felt my masculinity peeling away. 3 years before that, I’d been diagnosed with low Testosterone–and this visit had completed the trifecta of “Worst News for Guys”: Low Testosterone, Testicular Failure, and Sterility. Awesome. I felt like my last shred of manliness melted in the room of that Urologist. It was all I could do to keep from crying like a little boy. My wife described it much later as watching in horror as she could see my soul absolutely crushed.

I kept asking what our options were, and he said “Adoption or a donor. A donor is the cheapest way to go. But just never tell your kid or anyone else. Take it to the grave.”

We didn’t know what to think. So we didn’t discuss it at all for several months. As in, at all. We didn’t even mention it. A Molotov Cocktail had been thrown at our “Plan”–completely destroying it, and the despair was too heavy to discuss making a new one.  We dove into every form of  distraction possible, retreating into our self protection zone–we traveled, we worked, we hung out with friends… we never talked about having a baby.

At this point, “When you gonna have kids” became very painful to hear. As did some children references at church–the testimonies about having children, and being blessed with children, and how happy they are and how much God loves them because of the children they were sent, etc etc…. (I wish I was kidding about that last point) And now, it seemed like those talks and testimonies happened all the time. Kind of like when you have a sunburn and everyone seems to want to pat you on the back.  This sunburn just stung of  inadequacy.  Church became  a big source of pain and insensitivity at times.

We were super private about what was happening, so no one around us knew that when they were asking The Question, they were reminding us of something that could potentially never be. It took me about a year to become ok with the idea of using a donor for my side. Don’t ask me why it took me that long, it just did. It just felt weird, and when it comes to fertility, infertility, family planning, etc–there are all kinds of emotions that express themselves differently for each person. A few days after we started shopping for a donor, my wife was hospitalized for severe abdominal pain. Ultrasounds revealed an ovarian cyst the size of a grapefruit.

Emergency surgery.

After the surgery, the doctor showed me the photos. Endometriosis. Bad. As in, so bad, the ovaries were almost destroyed, but not removed in case there was a chance they could still function.  But he warned me that my wife had a very slim chance of ever having a child of her own, due to how bad the Endometriosis had gotten, and how bad the damage had been.

All this time I’d been the infertile partner in our marriage, and now it was likely the two of us. Our backup plan of using a donor was eliminated. Scratched off the list of possibilities.

The fragile walls I had built up as a coping mechanism came crashing down. Obliterated. And we went through an even more hopeless time. Fortunately, this wouldn’t last as long.

Let’s take another break from my story to make the final point to my post:

As I’ve said, family planning is super personal. And infertility is massively painful. Just remember that asking someone you don’t know too well about when they are going to have kids is far more personal than asking how much credit card debt they have. You have no idea what the couple is going through in that area of their lives.

My suggestions?

1. Don’t ask. It’s frankly none of your business. It’s as personal as asking how often they make love, and you’d never dream of asking that question. So don’t ask, let them bring it up if it comes up.
2. The culture within the church needs to change to be mindful of those who might possibly be in your group or congregation who are struggling with infertility. So don’t ever make statements that may make those with fertility issues feel excluded. “Unless you have a child of your own, you’ll NEVER understand the true love of a child” (true story). “Until you’re pregnant, you’ll never understand what it means to truly bond with your child…” etc etc–because maybe someone in that group just got the news that they will NEVER get pregnant. Just remember, not everyone is following your timeline, and not everyone CAN follow your timeline–but would love to.
3. If you find out that someone is struggling with infertility, please please please love them with everything you got. Hug them if you can. Cry with them if you can. A dream of theirs just got shattered and taken away. Yes, there’s adoption, but let them accept that later on. Be with them NOW, as if they’d just lost a loved one. Trust me, whatever brave face they are showing you is trying to hide some serious pain of all kinds.

Epilogue to my story:

Here is where I give mad props to my wife. She did not give up. After seeing about 6 different doctors, she still researched until she found a specialist in male infertility up at the U of U (Named Dr Meikle–not sure if he’s still practicing, but I highly recommend him if he is). We scheduled an appt, and we tentatively went to see him. At this point, I’d been on Androgel for low testosterone for 4 years. He took me off it right away. Said that in some rare cases, that can kill sperm count. He took some other measurements too, and found that other things were high that should have been lower. He warned me that going off artificial Testosterone would make me “feel lousy”, which was the biggest understatement of the year–but that’s a story for another time.

The entire process of working with Dr Meikle took about 9 months. This involved going off Androgel for a few months, having bloodwork done, going on other medications, having bloodwork done etc.

At the end of all of this I got measured again for swimmers….  which timeline-wise, was about a month after my wife’s surgery where we found out her ovaries were destroyed.

I was producing normal…. 106 million. So my body was all systems go.  Now it was my wife’s turn to get bloodwork done, dye tests, more bloodwork, etc. Miraculously, in the middle of all of these tests, my wife became pregnant. With mine and her genetics, totally natural. We were ECSTATIC to say the least! We had a boy 7 months later (he came a little early) and named him Matthew–which means “Gift from God”. I’m actually hesitant to include that, because remember wondering why God would bless others with children and not us, but we would have named him that regardless of how he came into our lives–adoption, a donor, 2 donors, etc.

17 months later, Matthew’s little sister arrived. We’re now a family of 4.

I don’t attempt to speak for all issues that can cause infertility. There are dozens of potential causes. In our specific example, it was the medication Androgel that I used (don’t ask me why at least 6 different doctors, including specialists, saw that on my chart and didn’t take me off of it) which told my pituitary to stop producing testosterone and dropped my count to zero.

And I know that our total of 4 years of trying, and 3-ish of thinking we were infertile pales in comparison to what others have gone through.

But the pain is very real. It’s crushing, discouraging, disheartening pain…. and if anyone reading this is going through the pain of infertility I just want you to know you are loved, and I wish I could give you a hug right now. I feel for you. It’s an awful feeling, and I pray for peace for you to get through it.

The last six months...

I can't believe it has been about 6 months since my last entry. Life has been busy and I have been a little wary about getting back on and sharing, unsure why. I felt like I was doing really good about opening up and sharing very personal and painful thoughts and experiences and since time has passed I have closed up.
   So, let's play a little catch up. Last July we moved into our newly bought home in Santaquin Utah. We love it!! We have almost 2200 square feet and a half acre to play in. It is an old home, and with that comes potential problems and projects. Good news/bad news kinda thing. I love projects and upgrades and all that great stuff, but it always takes longer and more money than what you plan on. Hopefully it will be a little bit at a time, right? So, the past 6 months we have been busy really making it our own. With the new home we also got a little addition, our black lab/german shepherd puppy, Sierra. Well, she isn't really a puppy anymore, she weighs about 95 pounds. She has been so fun and brought us so much joy! Unfortunately Bella   (our little 8 pound terrier) has had a hard time adjusting. It has been an experience for all of us! ;)
  In our new ward we were called very quickly to teach the sunbeams.To be honest I was very unhappy with the calling, but we accepted. I was frustrated that we would be unable to get to know anyone in the ward, and I was also worried about teaching the young ones when my heart is so tender and aches for and lacks my own. I can now say that Heavenly Father knows me personally and what I need to be able to learn and grow to become who He needs me to become. It has been a wonderful experience!! It has allowed me to open my heart and be able to help fill that void. I love those little kids! I think about them all the time, and I feel like it is just an addition to my already 20 nieces and nephews. The first several weeks in the class I accidentally referred to me as Aunt and Mike as Uncle....:) Whoops. Comes naturally nowadays.                     I have learned how to teach young kids the gospel, about Christ and help them learn and grow, which I am so grateful for!!
    Okay, I started this post back in November and half of it got deleted as I was typing so I saved what I had left of  it and got off in frustration. So, now it is January and I have a little more things going on in my life. Back in November I had pretty severe abdominal pain at work. I couldn't go home without penalty and so I continued to work. At one point I ran to the bathroom and threw up for the next half hour. Feeling much better, I went back out to work. Within an hour I was passed out on the ground. This experience has spiraled into so many different tests, so many different diagnoses, a trip to the E.R. and on. My dr. is pretty sure I have Irritable Bowel Syndrome, and certain foods or stress can certainly aggravate it. In all the tests that have been taken they have found elevated liver enzymes, and they cannot figure out why. I got an ultrasound done friday and it came back normal, which is a good news/bad news type thing. I wanted them to find the problem, assuming it was minor, and tell me this is how you fix it, and voila all better- not the case. Well, I have an EGD scheduled for the 24 of this month and that is where they put the camera down your throat and look into your stomach to see if they can see any problems. Assuming this will be the same as everything else and will come back normal. My mom told me I just need to keep a food diary and learn what I can eat and those things I need to stay away from, because I know that something is wrong, but the tests are showing it is nothing serious, so that is good news. Just frustrating that I have to figure this all out the hard way. Personally, I think MOST of the problems and pain is caused by stress. I am constantly stressed out so much that it is hard to function. In the last month our furnace went out, and we had a pipe break and flooding in our laundry room, all of which is on top of the medical tests/bills/and pain causing stress on top of already much stress. I am trying to be able to manage my stress better this year. Any ideas?
  I am exercising and eating a lot healthier, and so I think that is something that will help over time as I continue to do it. Its not an instant fix, but will take time.  I am doing better this year at reading my scriptures and allowing myself to feel and that way I can hopefully cope better with trials.
  I am alive, and well, I have just been so busy and unable to get on here and update. Life is well, and I am so thankful for the gospel of hope and peace. I just need to grab onto that peace and not let anyone or anything get me down. Life continue to moves on. I love you all and am thankful for all my friends and family that support me-Thank You!
 Love, Keira