To the hurt or offended:

So, I don't really know where this has come from, but I felt strongly that I needed to get on and apologize to anyone and everyone who has been offended or hurt by something I have done, or in more likely cases have not done.
  Since my miscarriage,  almost 2 months ago, I have wanted nothing to do with anyone. I do the bare minumum of EVERYTHING in my life right now. Unfortunately, this includes prayers and scripture study. Just going through the motions you might say.
  We have heard about things happening and some goings on, and we have our best friends dying to hang out, and we do zip, nada, nothing! I don't want to. I am sorry, but I don't want to see you.  The only people I see is Mike's or my immediate family, and even that has been minimal. I have wanted to just stay at home, not see anyone, not go anywhere, and not have to put a smile on my face. Pretty much I have just wanted to see and talk to people who actually understand how I feel. I don't mean anyone and everyone who has had a miscarriage,  because it seems that pretty much everyone has, but those that truly know the deep sorrow I feel. Those are those who give the best comfort, counsel, and love.

    So, to my sister Nyree and brother -in-law Stephen. Thank You! You will never know the difference you both have made in both Mike and I's life. Mike is constantly talking about you both and how much you care, and understand. He always wants to go and visit, because you guys help. Even when no words are spoken, we know you understand the sorrow, and that you care so much! You are there, always there and we both know it. Stephen, I just have to tell you how much you have helped Mike. The fact that you called him to talk to him, meant so much to him! He felt like he wasn't getting much comfort, and after you called, he kept saying how thankful he was that you guys talked. You understand and have helped him to cope and heal. You both are incredible!

   So, to anyone who has been hurt by the fact that I don't want to do the normal activites, or I don't want to get together and play games, or I don't want to go out:  I am sorry. I am deeply sorry, and I hope that you can understand and give me the space and time that I need. I am not ready to yet. I need time, and LOTS of it.
  Life is starting to get better, and I am feeling a bit of the healing and peace that I need. Thanks for your continual prayers. I love you all, and hopefully will be ready to be back to normal in a short bit.
 Loves, Keira

update..

I figured I better post soon just to let you all know I am still alive, and struggling to hold on.
 I have many more hard, depressing, and hopeless days rather than good ones. I do however have some good days with sunshine, and I take the bad with the good. I have a lot of anger built up inside. I am not sure how to cope with the anger, and very unsure if it will ever go away. Time...thats what it all comes down to. I need to give myself time, and its the last thing I want. I want to be done hurting. I want to be over this and be able to easily move on. The only answer (to me) on how to move on and feel happy again is if I can get pregnant again soon. Who knows if that will happen, so my life seems quite hopeless in my eyes.
  Church has been quite a struggle for me since it happened. I hate to go. I burst into really ugly uncontrollable sobs during relief society two weeks ago, and humiliated myself in front of everyone. I am tired of seeing everyone thats pregnant or has young babies and feeling the hurt and stab of pain that inevitably comes when I see others with their bundles of joy and knowing mine was ultimately taken from me. It seems that I hurt way more when I go to church than if I were to stay home. It makes the choice to go rather difficult. I am going. I know I need to, but its miserable; to say the least. I am hoping to get together and talk with my relief society president in the next day or two. I have found it really helps to talk about it, but with talking I will cry without fail and that makes some people really uncomfortable. So, it makes it hard to find someone who cares and is patient with me to talk to and give me comfort. I have found myself on countless times talking to myself about it, because I feel like there is noone that understands or cares to want to hear me vent or cry about it. I have talked to Mike about it often, but even that is getting really hard. He is hurting and I know it hurts for him to talk about it. It brings out the pain and opens the wound once again. So, what am I to do? I have resorted to talking to myself and crying out in frustration and anger at Heavenly Father. I have started running to get a lot of anger out atleast somewhat and its helped, but on work days I am so exhausted that to get my butt on the treadmill is quite a joke. Anyone close want to go walking or running with me? I need it. Physically and emotionally. I have gained about 15 pounds. Yeah pretty frightening. It just seems that the only comfort is unfortunately less than healthy comfort food. ugh!! I am so done with everything!! I seriously need a break from my life........
~Keira

Round 3

I have been so busy lately and haven't had much time to write a post. I started working temporarily, on Shalum's crew. So that plus all the training has kept me busy, plus all my usual things that always need to get done, which I'm slacking on because I'm down with a cold right now...joy. But I have some good news, which I feel guilty mentioning because of what Keira's going through right now, but we've been chosen to adopt again. Our caseworker called us two and a half weeks ago, and we met the birth parents two weeks ago. The due date is Dec 20th, and it's a boy. We're excited! The birth parents are great and they seemed to like us too, which is nice. :) Oh, also, an FSA chapter (Families Supporting Adoption) just started here in the Elko area. We'll be meeting every second Saturday of every month. We had our first meeting yesterday. So if anyone around here is interested in adopting, or has adopted, or has been adopted, or I guess anyone who supports adoption and would like to come to this, you are more than welcome. Just an FYI. :)
~Candice

Miscarriage anyone?? Sign me up!!!!

I found out yesterday that I miscarried. Its been physically painful as well as emotionally. I can't believe it. Yet another thing that I have to overcome when I have barely overcome the last. I feel like I am just getting back up when I get knocked down again. I am too exhausted, and sad to deal with this. I have surgery tomorrow to get everything scraped out. I have the rest of the week off to just be able to sit numb and unfeeling like.
* I have been thinking about what is the point to have people pray for you, fast for you, and give priesthood blessings if the outcome isn't gonna change?
-Keira

Updates.....:)

So, I have been waiting to update everyone about whats going on in my life, but I can't hold it in any longer. I am PREGNANT!! Yep! Sure enough. I found out on October 4, and its still not real to me. I go to the dr. for my first appointment on the 31, and we will get the ultrasound, and everything. I am super excited, and shocked, and scared, and worried, and sick. Its lovely!! :)
  So, thanks to all of you that have kept me in your prayers, and loved, and supported me throughout the years. After 6 1/2 years filled with joy, but also sorrow, pain, longing...etc its all coming together and we get to experience it for ourselves. I am so grateful for this opportunity, and for the lessons I have learned throughout the years.
Please continue to keep me and our little one in your prayers.
 Love you all, Keira

Rascal Flatts - Stand

Still alive....just feeling like I have dropped off the side of the planet

Hello all!!!
 Sorry it has been so incredibly long since I have gotten on here to write. I am alive and well, but very busy and tired. Life continues on. Hope all is well with everyone. There has been a song that has been in my head for several months now that kinda has hit me differently with the challenges that my life has brought me. Its by Rascal Flatts and its called Stand. Check it out. Its a keeper! I love country music and one of my very faves is Rascal Flatts! Anyhow, in the song it talks about how you basically get knocked down and you have to get up, dust yourself off, and stand back up. You will see how strong you really are. I promise its a lot better than the way I just described it, but ya know....
  I feel like it fits with all of us and the different struggles that we go through. Only a loving Heavenly Father knows where we are at and where we need to be and exactly what needs to happen to get us there. Unfortunately it is most often accompanied by trials. We just gotta keep on standing back up.
  Love you all. Thanks for your continued prayers, love and support.
Love, Keira

More than one kind of missionary work

This morning I found out that a senior missionary couple is now working with LDSFS to help us hopeful adoptive couples here in northern Nevada. That is their mission. They are from Nevada and are able to do their mission in their own home. I don't know all the details but part of what they will be doing is getting our profiles to hospitals, talking to bishops, and basically getting our names out there. I'm so excited about this and hoping their help will help us. So this means it is time to update our profile, which I've been meaning to do for a couple months now. The missionary couple actually has a daughter who adopted their first child through LDSFS and a few other children through the state, and they have another daughter who is going through LDSFS as well. They think this might be why they were called to do this mission. At least I think that's what I heard. I was told all this second hand. That's all the info I have and thought I'd share since I'm excited about this. And I know I already said that. Give me a break, this makes me happy.
~Candice

There hasn't been much activity on here from Keira and I, although I can't speak for Keira but the reason behind my inactivity is because there really hasn't been anything new. Still going through ups and downs. Always going through them. But there's nothing new in that. Still trying to get our name out there in hopes of adopting. Going to be doing more infertility procedures. Not looking forward to that, but if it gets us a baby, I'm more than willing.
Watched General Conference this last weekend. Really enjoyed it. Got me motivated to read the Book of Mormon more often. I get in phases where I read it all the time and then there are lulls in my reading. Then there was one talk that made mention of different sorts of people, couples with children, people who are single and childless, couples who are childless. To be quite frank, I don't remember much of his talk because I was just crying through it. Then there was another talk about fathers raising daughters, and Shalum couldn't listen to it and left the room for that one. But for the most part I enjoyed the conference. I love listening to our prophet, Thomas S. Monson. I have always enjoyed listening to his talks. You can feel his love for all of us when you listen to him.
In a week and a half I'll be spending an evening with two other couples who live here in Elko, who are also part of the LDS Family Services Las Vegas adoption agency. We're really good friends with one of the couples, the other we have yet to meet. Dinner and games. I'm looking forward to it. But other than that. There's been nothing new.
Oh, the twins are doing good. Taylor was moved to a big girl crib a couple days ago. They're both growing and gaining weight.
~Candice

The Twins

My sister had her twins this morning. She was only 31 weeks along, but so far the babies are doing good. Trestan Ray was born at 8:07am and weighs 3lbs. 15oz. and is 16 3/4 inches long. Taylor Jade was born at 8:09am and weighs 3lbs 7oz. and is 17 inches long. So far babies and mommy are all doing good. The babies are on a c pap and doing good. They'll be staying at UofU until around the due date. So about early November. Prayers would be appreciated, hopefully they'll continue to do great.
~Candice

:) continued...

I have been waiting to see how many of you I can keep waiting and for how long...;) No, I am kidding. We have had some unforseen challenges this past week and a half, and I have had zero time to post. I am sorry to keep you all waiting.
    So, the past month has been awesome! It all started with an open heart at work one day, and I was open to any and all inspiration and comfort from the spirit, and it just flowed all day long! It was so incredible! I was able to think about where I am at in life, where I want to be, and what I need to change to get there. I have been thinking about how I have changed since our failed adoption 4 months ago. I went into very severe depression. Not even kidding, my days consisted of eating, crying, and sleeping. It has been terrible! I have struggled a lot with my testimony since it all happened. Let me explain: When we were presented with the opportunity to adopt, I can honestly say there was much fasting and prayer. Along with that, we went to the temple several times a week.  I prayed to know if what we were doing was right and that we are to go ahead and move forward to prepare for this adoption. I received a blessing that I would be able to discern the feelings and thoughts of my mind from those of the spirit. In that blessing I was promised that I would receive my answer soon, and that it would be so obvious that I would have no room to doubt, even when Satan would try (as he does) to put that doubt in my mind later, I would know for sure the confirmation of the Spirit.  Well, as was promised, I received my answer. It was the most incredible confirmation I have ever gotten. I knew that what we were doing was right, and I felt the peace and comfort from the Spirit. So, we moved ahead with all the preparations.  I felt at the time, that my answer meant that yes, indeed we were going to get this baby boy. So, it came as quite a shock when it all fell through. I felt completely misled from Father in Heaven. How could He give me the confirmation I had received, and yet have this all fall through?
It was then that I really began to doubt. As the doubt started small, I let it stay and it progressed to different aspects of my testimony. I have never had real faith-wavering trials. Yes, I have gone through hard things in life, but nothing that I felt was real faith-wavering. Well, this experience was faith-wavering for me. As I was doubting my testimony, and the truthfulness of the gospel, I started distancing myself from the things and people I needed most. I stopped being able to feel close to the Spirit. I read my scriptures, and I prayed, but with no real meaning. I did it because I knew it was what I needed to keep doing. As the weeks went by, I started worrying, because even though I was reading scriptures, praying, going to church, I wasn't really feeling anything.  So, I decided that when fast sunday came around I desperately needed to fast for my own testimony, and that I could feel the Spirit. That day at church, I felt the Spirit so strong. In many of the testimonies borne, and the lessons taught, I was able to feel and know of my own testimony. It was then that I realized that I still had a testimony, it was just buried underneath feelings of doubt, anger, and pain. Since that fast, I have had amazing experiences with the Holy Ghost testifying different things to me. I have gotten answers to years of prayers as I have read and pondered on the scriptures.
   In fact, it was in the scriptures that I received a litle bit of light and my eyes were opened. I am reading in Alma where Alma and Amulek are preaching, and the preaching is not going over well with some. Many people believed, and the women and children who believed were taken and thrown into a fire, and Alma and Amulek were forced to watch them burn. It was in the middle of watching these innocent people burn and die because of their beliefs in God that you see Amulek falter a little bit. He says to Alma "How can we watch this horrible scene?" He basically suggests that they save them. That it is too much to have to endure that. Alma then tells him that the Spirit constraineth him to save them, and that God is receiving these souls unto Himself in glory. As I thought about that after reading all that Alma and Amulek had gone through in being thrown into prison, spit upon, hit, etc. I was completely amazed at how strong they were. Even in the middle of the most horrible trials, they were strong in their faith. They did not shrink. Why? It was in the trials that they had to endure that made them strong to be able to endure some of the most horrible things, and not falter in their faith and testimonies.
  I loved that! So, I have thought about many people who I have looked up to and thought how amazing they are and how strong they are in their testimonies, and when you think about it, all of these people were forced to endure some really hard trials. That is why they are strong. That is why they can endure and continue in faith even in the midst of hard, faith-wavering trials. That is how God molds us to become a strong, faithful people.
  I have been listening to the talk "Because He First Loved Us" by Henry B. Eyring and in that he talks about trials and testing of our faith, and he quotes from the scriptures: You receive no witness until after the trial of your faith. Yes! That is so true! I have endured some things that I have felt that I could not come out on top, and that I felt were damaging my testimony, and faith, but I see now how much stronger I am. I know w/out a doubt of the truthfulness of the gospel. I know that God lives and He loves each of us, and as we go through trials, He is helping us to be stronger and to stretch our faith. It is all for our good.
  I have looked back, and been so grateful for our failed adoption. It has helped me to see where I am at in my testimony and faith, and where I need to be. It has given me hope, instead of pain and despair. I am beginning to trust in my Heavenly Father's plan for me. He is helping me to be more than I could even hope for!
  I have felt so good, and been able to see good even through hard times. I love the hope the gospel offers, and the answers we are entitled to receive as long as we are doing our part to seek.
 Thanks to all who back me up, and help me through.
Love, Keira

:)

So, I have had some of the most incredible, eye opening experiences lately! I feel so good and am so happy!
To all who know me: I AM BACK......! ;)
 I will post more later and tell you all what has been going on, but I have to get to work right now. Thanks to all who continue to support and love me, even through the hard times.  Thank you for your unfailing faith in me, and your many prayers in my behalf. I wouldn't be where I am without all of you! I love ya'll more than I can express.
~Keira

Another one bites the dust

Well, another adoption fell through. It didn't go as far as the one that failed last month. It went about as far as Keira's had gone. For a few weeks the chances of the adoption taking place had been about 90%. So we were really excited. But then a few problems have cropped up and the adoption won't be taking place. And I've known there were problems for about a month and that the chances of the placing happening were getting pretty slim. But I didn't realize how much hope I was harboring until a little bit ago when I was told that it's not going to happen. I was fairly sure it wouldn't happen, but like I said, I had more hope than I had realized. When I found out for sure that it fell through, my heart dropped more than I thought it would. I think maybe it hurts more because I'm still...how should I put this...trying to recover from the failed adoption last month, and so my heart is more sensitive at the moment. And I've got my sister's baby shower to go to tomorrow. I feel like I can't get a break right now.
~Candice

So I have decided that I really like my hair, how I dyed it. At first I was unsure about it but now I'm loving it. So I thought I'd show anyone who was interested in what it looks like. Although it looks a lot more red in person...well more a purplish red. But I love it.

Oh, I also had bangs cut a couple weeks ago, and I love having them as well. 

Soooo...there you have it :)

What was meant to be a major change, ended up not so much :(

So, since the adoption fell through I have been having a really hard time. Sometimes I'm ok but then sometimes I'm really not. It almost feels like it's getting worse. So I decided I needed a change, something drastic. Soooo.... I dyed my hair. I was wanting a really intense, vibrant red. But since I was just doing a home dye, I decided not to bleach (who knew how it would have turned out). So I decided I could handle a more subtle red. But my dang hair is just too dark and so it's now too subtle. Plus my hair isn't taking to it very well. It's supposed to last 1-6 months. I think I'll be lucky if it makes it to 2 weeks. AND instead of being a subtle red, it's more a subtle purplish pink. Which I'm ok with. Next, I'm going blue streaks. When I decided to dye my hair, I started putting all of my focus and energy into it, because I felt like I was going to have some sort of break down and I NEEDED to do something different, something drastic, to take my mind off my situation. I thought this would help for a few weeks. I dyed it last night...and today I am crashing. It didn't help for the amount of time I was hoping. Now I feel like I need something else.
So what is this something else? I am going to get a dog! I've been bugging Shalum about getting a dog for a few years now, but since he's not much of a dog person, we haven't gotten one (yet dogs seem to always go to him, I think it's hilarious because he can't stand it). But just the other day he told me if I wanted a dog, I can get one. He said he just wants me to be happy and if a dog will help, then a dog I can get.
Plus in about an hour or so, I'll be heading over to Utah with my friend, Criscell, to go to the FSA adoption conference. I'll also be meeting my cousin there as well. Unfortunately I won't get to see my Keira bug there, she has to work. Which is my fault, I didn't give her enough notice to take the time off work for it. I'm hoping this will be a huge pick me up. I really need it right now. And since I need to finish packing, that is all.
~Candice

one of many unanswered questions....

Dear God:
  Why is it that so many women are having babies that can in now way provide for themselves let alone for a a baby, while me and many others continue to wait and hope with no end in sight? Life is just so unfair sometimes.
-Keira

To place or not to place? The most heart wrenching question.

Thursday at around 5pm Shalum and I got a phone call from our caseworker telling us that the birthmother's c-section was scheduled for 9:30 that night but that she was undecided if she was going to go through with the placement. The caseworker suggested we go down to Vegas and visit the birthmother and let her see us with her baby, and hopefully that would help tip the scales towards placement. After the call, we looked at each other and asked, "what should we do? From the sounds of it, the birthmother's leaning more towards keeping him, so would this just be a wasted trip?" But we said, "well if we're serious about this, we should go." So we did. I packed up all our stuff and we were on the road a little after 6 or so.

Friday we visited the birthmother at the hospital. We stayed about an hour and a half and had a really good visit. We were able to hold the little guy the whole time we were there. In our conversation that day she had told us that the Lord had confirmed to her multiple times that we were the couple to place with if she placed. But that she was now waiting for the confirmation of whether to place or keep him. Which didn't make a whole lot of sense to us. If He had confirmed to her we were the couple, wouldn't THAT be confirmation that she should place? But we left the hospital feeling really good about our visit.

The next day we went back to visit her again. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail because so much went on. But it was a mess. The birthmother was getting released and she could take her baby, he was also being released if she wanted to take him home. She decided she did want to keep him, despite the fact that she can't provide for him. At that time, all she had for him was what the hospital gave her that would last a couple days. A couple of her priesthood leaders were there to give her a blessing, plus a friend from her ward (who had previously placed a baby) was also there. They were all trying to help her see that the best thing for her baby was to place him. But she was refusing to listen and saying that the church could provide for them, even though I guess her bishop had told her the night before that they can only do so much for her because the ward members have their own families to provide for first.

So the adoption didn't go through. And we are heart broken. I think it would have been easier had we not seen him and held him. But we don't regret going down, otherwise we would have always wondered what could have happened. And the saddest part of this whole situation is knowing that baby boy could have had a better life. He is now in a home with one parent, a creep for a father who the birth mother wants nothing to do with but comes around every once in a while, and a financially unstable home. I hope he has a good life, but in all honesty, it terrifies me not knowing how it will turn out. But there's nothing we can do about it.
-Candice

Quick Update

The birth mother does not have a scheduled c-section tomorrow....correction, today. I just looked at the clock and it's later than I had realized. They are waiting for her to go into labor to do the c-section. And although she is due today, the last we heard contractions haven't started yet. But we are unsure, at this point, if she is going to go through with the adoption or not. We are hoping and praying she does, but we don't know if she will. Other than being completely stressed out and weighted with anxiety, that's about it. And that's pretty much all we know right now.
~Candice

longing for change

Well, it has been awhile since I posted, and for the most part...things have been good. We have been happy and healthy. We went to Logan for my family reunion and stayed for several days. It is always so good to be with family and totally immerse myself in all the kiddos around. But, as always coming home to a very quiet home, I at first feel relief, but then loneliness and longing for my own children begin to creep into my heart. How can it not, when I just spent several days with my siblings children being totally envious of what they have?
      So, the past several days I have been trying to get outta this funk, and get back to enjoying my own life. So, I get on facebook, and I see that one of my great friends from highschool has had her baby boy. I look through pictures, and start dreaming of my own day when I get to experience all that and have my entire life change and be able to grow and learn. And that is where I realized that most of the longing that I have is because of that change and growth that will take place. I totally feel stagnant. I want to move on in life, have change and not be doing the exact same things day in-day out. I work, I sleep, I eat. Yeah! Ya know? Do you ever want more from life? I am sure we all do from time to time, even those with children. We see what others have and  naturally think its better, more fun and exciting than what we have. We don't take the time to realize how blessed we are and while we are dreaming and being envious of others, maybe someone is doing that with us. Who knows? I don't know why anyone would want the life that I have when I really do work, eat, and sleep, but maybe. I can say my home is very quiet and peaceful. :)
    So, my question to you is...How do I move on? How do I grow and change and totally take advantage of the life I have and actually enjoy it, rather than dreaming of the future...and being envious of others? I really don't know where to go, or what to do. I try praying about it, and don't seem to get an answer. I guess that could mean I am not searching hard enough, or not now, or what?
    I have looked into getting a profile and what not with ldsfs, and it is slowly in the works, but until something comes of that, what?
  Any ideas? Anyone?
   I want to learn, and grow, and change. That is why we are here, and that is what brings us true happiness, but when we feel that it isn't happening, what should one do?
  I got the sweetest email ever on facebook after coming home from my reunion in Logan. It was from another dear friend from highschool. She is married and has several children. Her life seems so perfect (to me.) In the email though, she tells me how she thinks and prays for me often (that is sweet and wonderful in and of itself) but then she tells me how as she reads my blog, she doesn't understand why I am required to go through this trial, but that she can see how strong I am. I was completely dumbfounded. Me, strong? I really felt like she was way off the mark, because if I was strong, this shouldn't be such a burden, and I should be happy all the time and grateful for my life, rather than envious of others, right? I then started thinking about how I felt and acted years ago, and looking back and seeing how much I have changed, and I am stronger than I was. I am making progress, and it helped me to be grateful for the growth and change that has taken place in me, that only  loving Heavenly Father could know would take place with having this challenge. This email from Emily was totally inspired. I had not heard from her in a long time, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. She shared her loving thoughts and concern and offered support and love. Thank you!
   So, I have changed as a person. I have grown and learned and been strengthened. But, how do I go about the changes in life, and moving on in that way? How to find true happiness, when my dreams are not being fullfilled, and the only thing I want is not yet?
~Keira

Update

Just a quick update of what's been going on. Life has been crazy and hectic lately. Shalum and I met the birth mother on the 13th and the meeting went really well. She liked us, we liked her. She's a fun person to talk to. She didn't want to make any final decisions until she had met us and after meeting us, she wanted to pray about it. But she said there's a reason we kept popping up in her mind. There were certain things in our profile that had stood out to her that she really liked. There were also things about us she really liked during our meeting. And our caseworker says she speaks really highly of us. But that first week after the meeting, waiting to hear back if she was still planning on going through with the adoption or not was the most anxious week of my life. From what we've been told, she still has some doubts about the adoption. Not doubts about placing with us, but actually placing. She has quite a few children already and is having a hard time with this. But she has stated often that she can't do it and that's why she's choosing adoption. But she still hasn't told the birth father, so he's a wild card right now. We've learned some things about him that could possibly be in our favor if he wanted to fight the adoption. But we'll see how it goes. So the due date is July 21st, well that's the date scheduled for her c-section, so it's just 3 weeks away! We had our home study three days ago, and phew we passed. Our home is safe! We've also been rounding up things for the baby. Fortunately we've had a lot given to us, things friends didn't need anymore, so we haven't had to buy too much. Which is especially nice if the adoption ends up falling through, fingers crossed that doesn't happen. But I think when we adopt him, I'll probably start replacing it with what I want. This could possibly be my only child and I'm going to get what I want. Sometimes much to Shalum's consternation. He loves free stuff. I've also been doing a lot of reading (need to be prepared) and a lot of crocheting (can't have a cold baby). Oh I hadn't even mentioned that it's a boy! I'm sure you may have caught on having used the term 'him'. Shalum and I have been having the hardest time agreeing on a name. But I think we've finally agreed on one. Shalum had a nickname already in place (there's a personal reason behind it for him) so I've had to come up with a name to fit the nickname, a name we both like. Since I'm not entirely sure it's the name we're going with, I'll not share it just yet. The birth mother has a name that she wants. She said it's of course up to us, but was wondering how important names are to us. We are thinking about using her name as a third name. We'll just have to see how things go right now.

Candice

Thankful

I just felt like I needed to get on and say how thankful I am for a few good friends and family members. My sister Nyree and her husband Stephen  have been such a HUGE support and strength for both Mike and I.   I am so thankful for their love and their understanding. We have been blessed to have them come down and see them for a couple of days, and we even got to have a sleep over with their three oldest kids. It has been what I needed. Just to know that someone is there who really does care, and is not just saying that they care because it's the right thing to do. Thanks so much!  I love you guys!
    Another little random blessing....I got a call from a highschool friend that I had not heard of for more than ten years. We were able to go hang out, and just talk. It seriously was what I needed. Someone to listen and understand me while I talk, and then give feedback and insight. She and her husband struggled for a short time (although no time of waiting seems like a short time) with infertility, and now they have the most adorable little boy. She helped lift my spirits and strengthen me, which I doubted could happen for quite some time. Thanks so very much Mel! You may never know how much good you have done, and how I am so grateful for you.
     The past couple of months on Sundays I have been touched and spoken to through the music throughout our meetings. It will never cease to amaze me how the songs I know by heart, and that I have heard so many times can say and mean something different to me. Every single sunday something in one of the songs we sing speaks to me. Gives me strength, or peace and comfort. Seriously. I have been so keenly aware of the fact that God knows who I am and EXACTLY what I need.  Wow! Really? I am so blessed. I am so truly blessed!
   All day throughout work my mind has been on Mike. I think about Mike a lot, but today was somehow different. I thought about him, his character, his strengths, his passions, his interests, his hopes and dreams, his love and undying support. I have been completely in awe of him. I love him so much and am so incredibly grateful for him. He is such a good man. He is an example to everyone around him. I could not have asked for a better companion. So, I have been struck with so much gratitude for Mike and all he has done and continues to do that I feel the burden of infertility lifted. Atleast temporarily. Atleast I have Mike by my side, through it all. Really, I feel like even if we never have children in this life, I have a great, supportive companion by my side, and that makes me so much more richly blessed than many people. I hope that I can be a better person and be more worthy of Mike and his love and support.
   So, about 3 weeks ago Mike and I were talking about eternal families, and how everything will be made right for us, eventually. And I got to thinking about how important eternal families are, and how people who have passed onto the other side are burdened down and waiting for their work to be done, so that they can all be eternal families. Their work has to be done for them, and they are looking to us. So, I felt in my heart, that with how much I want to have my own children and have an eternal family, there are those that feel the same way and can't do it for themselves. So, we have made a commitment to go to the temple way more often and do their work for them. Maybe...just maybe I have been required to wait for my own eternal family so that I can help others secure theirs. I am super excited about this. Mike and I are going to go to different temples, and so we may get a little mini vacation out of it once we hit all of them around here. What a fun, fairly inexpensive (until we get Utah temples out), and easily attainable goal with so many blessings attached for us as well as for others.
  I am so thankful! I am so blessed! Life is starting to turn into a rainbow rather than all that ugly gloomy rain!
I love you all.
~Keira

Anxious

So I'm really anxious, have been for the past week and a half. We're meeting the birth mother in a little over a week, but the more I think about it, the less anxious I get. Our caseworker talked to her a few days ago and asked her how she was feeling about the adoption, and she said she was feeling really good about it. But what's really making me anxious is the birth father. He apparently doesn't want to place the baby for adoption. So this is a high risk adoption, and it's making me extremely anxious. I'm hoping and praying it all works out without any problems. I'm desperately hoping we'll be able to adopt this little baby. But I've been thinking, and it makes me sad that in order for us to have this joy in our lives, it's causing another heartache. I just wish everything could work out perfectly and happily for everyone. But then that's not the point of coming to earth, is it? We need these trials in our lives to test our faith and make us stronger. We need to prove that we're worthy and ready to live with our Heavenly Father again. It's just hard sometimes, isn't it?

~Candice

Good News....What am I talking about? It's better than good, it's the bestest of the best!

Wednesday Shalum and I got a phone call from our caseworker. And guess what? A birth mother has chosen us to adopt her little baby! I am so excited! It took a while to get over the shock. Part of me was thinking it was never going to happen. But along with the excitement, I'm also a nervous wreck. What if she changes her mind? What if she doesn't like us when we meet? What if, what if, what if. A million thoughts have been going through my head, and I haven't gotten much sleep, because my mind can't shut off at night. We're meeting her June 13th, tentatively. We're waiting to hear back if that day works for her. And to be honest, I'm terrified to meet her. I'm afraid she's not going to like us, or that I'll be so nervous I won't be able to be myself and she'll think I'm most lame. Hopefully all will go well. She's due July 21st, just two months away. We don't know the sex yet, not that it matters to us, we would love to have either. I can't even begin to express my gratitude for being chosen and having this opportunity. And I'm so thankful for this birth mother for giving us this chance. I know it isn't easy for her. She already has other children and loves them, and she's having a hard time imagining not keeping the one she carries now. But she doesn't feel as if she can raise this child right now because she has a lot on her plate. My heart goes out to her, for what she's going through and for this difficult decision she's making. But I'm also most grateful for this chance we have of raising a child. This is our dream come true, what we have been wanting and waiting for for almost 8 years. And perhaps the shock hasn't completely worn off because I still can't believe this is happening!

Broken Dreams

Here I am waiting to start work and I have slept very little. One hour of sleep is barely sufficient for me to function when I am emotionally well, but, well I am not. I just pray that work will be ok, and I will be given strength on all levels to be able to handle what today offers. I lied awake for hours upon hours last night thinking about what I thought I had successfully buried deep within myself, never really allowing myself the time and opporunity to work through my emotions and experience true healing. The last couple of weeks I have had a similar experience that Candice had expressed earlier. I too thought I was pregnant. I had some of the signs, and I guess I wanted it so bad and felt I needed it (in a sense) to be able to heal from our recent loss, that for sure this time was it. Isn't it?? Surely Heavenly Father was finally going to bless us after feeling so much pain and loss over the last month.Well, I really felt like it was, and I prayed,  pleaded and basically begged my Heavenly Father to please let it be. Please! Please! More than anything else, p.l.e.a.s.e!
But, alas, no is the answer I have come to know well. Or possibly not yet, but it is seemingly the same hopeless answer that I have come to resent. Why?! Why do I have to wait, when others don't?! Why??!!! I think angrily. Why not me? Am I not good enough? Am I not faithful enough? Would I be a terrible mom and therefore God is protecting His children from me? Why? Why can't I get answers that I need so desperately bad? Will I ever be a mom? Will I ever know why I have been denied this most holiest of callings? Will I ever be able to open my heart enough again to give it the opportunity to be made whole and allow my dreams to come true? Will I ever be able to look back over the years and not feel such a sense of loss and pain? Will I ever be able to attend a baby shower or blessing and truly feel joy for another without feeling pain, and ultimately feeling myself close up and lock out the world yet again?
    So, here I go over the feelings and ultimately unanswered questions that have been floating continually through my mind throughout the night just waiting for the sweet release of sleep. Unfortunate for me, sleep is not coming. I don't even have the sweet release of sleep now! Is absolutely everything of value to be taken from me? Well, as I lied awake I came to a very stark realization of myself. I have come to know that I have not so much been healing the past month and a half, but have only buried my feelings for fear of what they might bring, and masking my emotions with food. Then I have been telling myself that indeed, I feel better, so I must be healing and getting better, only not. Not coming to terms with it, and learning to cope with my emotions is a time bomb waiting to happen, but I do it so completely without realizing it. I have felt so much pain over the years, that I guess I am trying to save myself from more unwanted pain by just the act of not allowing myself to feel. I have put up a barricade, and not allowing myself to feel has also kept the promptings, and ispiration as naught. So, a sleepless night is what it takes to finally be able to get through this thick head and stone covered heart of mine. Not my ideal time, which is probably why I am most likely to listen. Listen carefully to what my body is telling me it needs to heal, but also listening carefully for spiritual guidance and promptings.  
   This quiet time of listening has lead me to the realization that I am not doing any good by burying my feelings and emotion. Yes, I seem to more easily be able to handle each day:  to cope, go on living, and muster up enough joy in life to make me feel semi-normal again, but I am not giving myself the time and the opportunity to sort through all my feelings to be able to cope and move on a healthier and happier person.  Because I have focused my time and energy on burying unwanted feelings, I have told myself and really sincerely felt like I have been getting better. Better, but feeling not really better at the same time. People ask how I am, and I honestly say I am getting better, and the days are seeming easier, and its true. I am, and they are, however it is not because I am healing. I know now why I feel better temporarily, but it doesn't stay for very long. Am I getting better? yes, I am GETTING better. Close to being myself and feeling whole again? No, but I am determined to get there! Hopefully a little faster and more steadily now that I have realized I've been keeping myself from healing. I need to sort through my feelings and be able to cope healthily with them in order to heal.
   I guess in a way I don't want my heart to be healed. Now, before you go securing me a place in the nut house, let me explain:
 I have never felt so much pain and heartbreak in my life. My feelings were so raw, and not easily pushed aside, that it scared me. I have been treading on new ground on a painful and heart wrenching level, and I don't feel ready. Ready or not though, its been thrown at me, and I have to learn to cope. I am treading carefully so as to not have to stay here any longer than is needful. So many prayers have been offered by me and other loved ones in my behalf. I know that my savior Jesus Christ knows the pain my heart is feeling. He knows, because He experienced it. He knows the condition my heart is in, and the condition it needs to be in. I know that with my faith in Him, my heart can be healed. But, I also know that with a healed heart, it can also be broken again. There will be steps that I need to take after the healing that can and likely will cause more break, and pain, which then requires more faith and more healing. Am I willing to do that? Do I even have enough faith to be healed? Do I trust my Heavenly Father and in His plan for me? I so badly want to keep the stone I have placed in and around my heart as I have tried to piece it back together the best I know how, rather then pulling out the stone (ultimately allowing myself to feel pain and cope with it) and then allowing God to properly heal it. A poem I have run across a hundred times finally takes on new meaning:

BROKEN DREAMS
As children bring
their broken toys
with tears
for us to mend,
I brought my broken
dreams to God
because He was
my friend.

But instead of
leaving Him in peace
to work alone,
I hung around and
tried to help with ways
that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How can you
be so slow?"
"My child", He said,
"What could I do?
You never let them go."

~Keira

CRAP

That's what the last few weeks have been. Crap. A few weeks ago I thought I was pregnant. I was convinced I was. And I was ecstatic. For five days I thought this. Turns out, I wasn't. So you might be able to imagine how devastated I was. I fell hard. And then, I guess because I didn't fall hard enough or something, 3 days after realizing I wasn't pregnant, I found out my niece is and then the following day I found out my nephew's wife is. And then a few days after that was Mother's Day (need I say more?). And then to top it all off, I found out yesterday that another sister-in-law is expecting. It's all hitting me all at once, and I am near my breaking point. No kidding. My faith is being tested. And I believe I'm falling short, because I'm finding that at the moment I don't care about...anything. I don't care to see anyone. I don't care to go anywhere. I don't care to go to church anymore (granted I'm not going to stop going. I'm struggling more than I ever have before, but my testimony is still here. It's more I just don't want to see anyone or hear about how important families are. Not to mention I'm actually feeling pretty angry at God right now.) I don't care to do anything. I don't care if I hurt anyone's feelings by anything I might say. I. Just. Don't. Care. I know that might sound awful, but let me repeat myself, I don't care. So all I've pretty much got to say at the moment is...crap.

Candice

It has been a long, very hard week. I have really struggled a lot, and been mad and frustrated with myself that I am not happy and over this whole failed adoption thing yet. I want to just move on and be happy like I was before, but the healing process is very s.l.o.w. I have had a lot of thoughts constantly swirling around my head, and making any sense out of them takes a lot of work. My emotions are all over the place.
      My first big wake up call was when I was basically told about two weeks after the failed adoption that I should be feeling better and be ready to try agagin, and that because I am still struggling and feeling really sad that maybe I need to go talk to my dr. about depression. That was maybe two weeks after the ball came crashing down. Two weeks for crying out loud! Really? So, I feel like I have lost a child, and I should be feeling better within two weeks, and because I am not yet, I seriously need to go see my dr?  I felt like it was totally insensitive, and I felt after that point that something was wrong with me. I guess I thought that any "normal" person would have been over this and lining back up at the agency for another chance at adoption. I am just not ready for that yet. Is that ok? Not for some people, I guess. I need to speed up my healing process so that I can please everyone, meanwhile not pleasing myself. It is killing me with all the pressure, and the ideas that everyone has that will help me, or blah blah blah! I know that the only people who knows and understands me and how I feel and what I need is Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Yes, there are others who have gone though a failed adoption, however everyone handles it differently, and uniqely as we are all different and unique. So, I am turning to Him for comfort and healing. Unfortunately, just like physical healing, emotional healing takes time. I wish it was all over by now, but I know that I need more time. I am better than I was, and as I look back and see that, I am eternally grateful for the healing that is taking place, no matter how slow. I know that I am being strengthened and lifted to be able to handle this, and on my darkest and hardest days, I am literally being carried.
    I am so grateful for a few close friends of Mike and I that have really been sensitive to our needs, and been so thoughtful. It is such a gift that these people don't know exactly how we feel, or what we are going through because they have not been there, but yet they are kind, thoughtful, and sensitive. What a huge blessing! Thank you! Mike works with a very nice guy who we had informed about the adoption when we were trying to get everything ready and prepared. Well, he asked Mike yesterday how it was all going, and Mike told him what happened. He was so sorry. Oh, you could tell that he really felt some of the pain that we felt, and he felt that for us! He came up and said how sorry he was for me, and even that small gesture, was huge. Then, he went home that night and called his brother who works for lds family services in Texas, and told him what had happened, to kind of see what we were having to deal with. His brother told him that it is very traumatic and hard for most couples to deal with. It is losing a child, or like having one of your children die. Would you be able to get over that in a couple weeks?  He told Lyle of a lady that had the same senario happen, and a year later the lady went back to get therapy, because she could not get over the grief. She was still struggling so bad even a year later.
  Does that give ya'll a wake up call? This is not easy. It is not something that you can just "get over" in a few short weeks. It takes time. I need time. I know that I will overcome this and try again, but not before I am ready.  I need the healing power of the spirit, and I am getting little glimmers of hope and light as the days go by. It doesn't mean I am over it, or even close to being over it, but I am moving forward. I have turned my burden over to my Savior, and since I did that through prayer and have relied on Him, I felt the burden being literally lifted. I have felt better, and been able to see many blessings that have come through this experience.
~Keira
         

The ant and the contact lens: A true story.

Brenda was almost halfway to the top of the tremendous granite cliff.  She was standing on a ledge where she was taking a breather during this, her first rock climb.  As she rested there, the safety rope snapped against her eye and knocked out her contact lens.

'Great', she thought.  'Here I am on a rock ledge, hundreds of feet from the bottom and hundreds of feet to the top of this cliff, and now my sight is blurry.'  She looked and looked, hoping that somehow it had landed on the ledge.  But it just wasn't there. 

She felt the panic rising in her, so she began praying.  She prayed for calm, and she prayed that she might find her contact lens.  When she got to the top, a friend examined her eye and her clothing for the lens, but it was not to be found.  Although she was calm now that she was at the top, she was saddened because she could not clearly see across the range of mountains.  She thought of the bible verse 'The eyes of the Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth.'

She thought, 'Lord, You can see all these mountains.  You know every stone and leaf, and You know exactly where my contact lens is.  Please help me.'

Later, when they had hiked down the trail to the bottom of the cliff they met another party of climbers just starting up the face of the cliff.  One of them shouted out, 'Hey, you guys!  Anybody lose a contact lens?'

Well, that would be startling enough, but you know why the climber saw it?  An ant was moving slowly across a twig on the face of the rock, carrying it!
The story doesn't end there.  Brenda's father is a cartoonist.  When she told him the incredible story of the ant, the prayer, and the contact lens, he drew a cartoon of an ant lugging that contact lens with the caption, 'Lord, I don't know why You want me to carry this thing.  I can't eat it, and it's awfully heavy.  But if this is what You want me to do, I'll carry it for You.' 

I think it would do all of us some good to say, 'God, I don't know why You want me to carry this load.  I can see no good in it and it's awfully heavy.  But, if You want me to carry it, I will.' 

God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
Yes, I do love GOD.  He is my source of existence and my Savior.  He keeps me functioning each and every day.  Without Him, I am nothing, but with Him...I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me. (Phil. 4:13)
 
My mom sent me this forward, and it was when I was in the middle of my overwhelming amount of grief and pain from my own trial. It made me cry. I know that there is a reason that I have to go through the pain and suffering of infertility, but there is a reason. I am learning and growing. My faith is being tested, and I have to keep going in order to come out on top. I hope others who are also struggling with whatever it may be can find comfort in this story. Loves to all.
~Keira

Thanks...such a small word with a lot of feeling.....

I just got back on the blog today, and was completely surprised with all the comments and love and support after my last post. I do have a couple friends who struggle with the same thing, and it is great to always hear from them and their love and support. But, I was also pleasantly surprised to hear from someone whom I do not know personally, but knows Candice, and she shared her advice and gave a huge amount of support. I love it that there are people that read this blog that have no idea who I am, but they care about me and my personal struggles. That is HUGE! Isn't that what this life is all about anyway? Supporting, lifting, and strengthening eachother through our trials? Anyway, I was just completely touched with the support and strength I have received, and felt like I needed to thank you all.
~Keira

Keira and I are both having difficulties with family members. With her failed adoption some of her family haven't shown any sympathy whatsoever. They weren't bothering to call and say how sorry they are for them, from my understanding at least. With me and the situation with my sister's pregnancy, I'm getting phone calls from family members talking about how exciting it is and how I should be excited, and they are trying to make me feel guilty for feeling absolutely devastated. Although they'll probably tell you I'm just putting words in their mouths. I don't need to hear how I should be excited to be an aunt. I'm already an aunt to 27 (soon to be 30) and a great aunt to 1. I don't want to just keep being an aunt, I want to be a mother. So don't tell me I should feel excited and happy, because right now, I don't. And don't make me feel guilty for feeling that way. Don't tell me I shouldn't be bitter, because you clearly have no comprehension of what I'm going through and how hard I am struggling. Unless you've actually walked down my road and can honestly say you've never been angry or bitter over the situation, THEN you can tell me how I should be feeling. But until then, back off and learn some compassion. We're already struggling enough as it is, we don't need our families to make us feel worse about ourselves. Our hearts are breaking, so just please try to understand that. What we need, as Keira has stated, is love and support from you. That's it. And I'm not directing this post at any one person, it's at a number of people. I'm not trying to offend anyone or hurt feelings, I'm simply stating my mind. And I don't know if you noticed, because I'm subtle like that, but I'm angry. So very angry right now.

infertility suffering...not enough! Bring on more pain and hurt, because I am not carrying enough!

Wow. It is amazing to me how incredible I can feel one day and how horrible the next. I have been struggling and really suffering and hurting the past couple of days. We have found out that we will not be getting the baby that we were hoping for in June. I have really had a hard time with this. We really felt like it was going to work out and we were preparing, and day dreaming about it almost constantly. I am embarrased to say that we had actually gone out and bought some baby things, because we really had thought that this was it. We had prayed, fasted too many times to count and gone to the temple numerous times. We both felt like we had gotten a yes answer from Heavenly Father, and then come to find out, it all falls through, and the grandparents are gonna be raising him. Why would this happen? Why would we feel so good about it and feel like it was the right thing to do and that everything would work out, and then not? Really? Were we not suffering enough as it was,  trying and failing for the past six years, that we need this rubbed in our already sore wounds? When we first found out that we would not be getting him, I tried so hard to be strong, and I did not want to feel the hurt and the pain that I knew would come shortly. I called my mom, and let her know, and I cried a little, but really was feeling pretty ok, as I was trying to bury my feelings deep down. The next day and on have been EXTREMELY hard. I feel like I have cried nonstop. When I am not crying I am stuffing my face with crap food, or I am spending money that I really should not be spending, or I am sleeping. That is basically what my days have consisted of. So, if I am not feeling sadness from the loss, I am feeling guilty about spending money or eating crap, which then leads me to feel horrible about myself! I have seriously gained about 8 pounds, my clothes are tighter, and I look in the mirror with a look of disgust and tell myself how fat and ugly I am.  It is a horrible downward spiral that I am on, and I am not sure how to get myself out of this. I have never felt so much hurt and pain in my life. Having infertility as a trial is very hard and painful, but for the past 6 years I have handled it pretty well. I however do not do well in getting my hopes up, and then crashing to the ground. This whole thing has been so hard. So, so, so hard! Mike and I have both been trying to cling to the knowledge that we won't be tested more than we can handle. So, Heavenly Father knows I can handle this and come out on top, but I sure don't. I want nothing more than to sink into a dark hole, and just forget everything.  My pain and hurt has been bad enough, but to watch Mike and see the hurt in his eyes, just about kills me. It rips my heart out. Why have we been asked to carry this load? Why? It seems too hard and impossible, and yet we are supposed to carry on and enjoy the journey? Really?  Can't really find any joy in my journey at this point. ALOT of pain and dissapointments, but not  really feeling worth it. How sad.
     One of the biggest problems with this whole experience is the lack of comfort and support that Mike and I have gotten. Family and friends don't know how to react. They feel bad when our moms have told them, but they don't know what to say to us or to do. Really, all we need right now is love and support. We need to know that we have friends and family out there who love us, are sorry we have to go through this, and let us know that. Don't just sit there and not say anything. We feel alone as it is. We need you. We need to know that you care. This experience, instead of bringing family closer together, it has driven us away. Yes, we have talked things through and worked things out, but the hurt remains, and will take time to work through. It bothers me ALOT when people find out that the adoption fell through, and their first response is "so, you gonne keep trying" Really? Is that all you can say? Is your head filled with sand?  People, we have been trying, and failing and trying to get pregnant for the last 6 years. We have struggled with this. Everyone who knows us at all knows how hard this has been on us. It has tested us far more than you can imagine. It has caused me to be a very bitter and angry person, something that I am trying so hard to overcome. It has driven me to my knees so many times when I can't take it anymore and I cry to Heavenly Father for what seems like hours. It has caused me to distance myself from friends and family members, which in turns makes me feel alone and isolated. My heart has been hurting, and aching, and been broken, because of the fact that we may never be able to have kids. And yet, all you can say when you find out that our hope of adoption fell through is " you gonna keep trying?"  Seriously, you people need a wake up call! Learn some sensitivity! Read in the scriptures where it says mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. Give us time to grieve and hurt and cry before you expect us to pick up the broken pieces and move on. It may be as little as a week before we set up with an adoption agency, but it may be as long as 10 years. We don't know. Right now, it is hard to tell because my heart hurts so bad, but 10 years seems more like the plan. We shall see how long it takes to heal this seemingly unhealable heart. Please be patient. Pray and fast for us if you want things to move along sooner, because pressuring me to do it will just drive me away. I have to take care of myself, and right now the best I know how is to forget the whole adoption or fertility treatments at all, and try to bury myself in the things I love to do.
~Keira

changes

Well, it has been quite some time since I have gotten on here and taken the time to write a post. Mike and I have been busy. Just to do a little update, Mike and I are in the process of hoping to adopt a little baby. When the idea was presented to us, we were very excited and hopful with the opportuntiy, but never realized all that it would entail. I have finally gotten the email from our social worker with all the requirements, and it is a list, if I have ever seen one. There is so much to do, and so many things to pass in order to qualify. Its completely understandable, but I had just never thought about it. Needless to say, when I first saw what we need to do, I was completely overwhelmed. However, I have gotten a lot of peace and guidance from the spirit. It has been an incredible journey thus far in just preparing. Mike and I have fasted several times a week, and gone to the temple several times a week as well. It has been an awesome spritual experience. If nothing else, we have strengthened our testimonies and have learned and grown closer together. With that, Satan is trying so hard to cause as much strife as possible. I have found that when I am not on guard at all times and not praying without ceasing, Satan is right there to jump in and take over. That is when doubt, frustration, and discouragement all take over. Seriously, this has been a life changing experience, and we don't even know if we will get the baby or not. Just a learning and growing experience. It has made us see just how much Heavenly Father loves each of us, and is so intimately involved in our everyday lives. Most times we may be too busy to see Him, but He is there, always there. We are so grateful for this opportunity that we have, and for the peace and comfort we have felt. Thanks to all who have been praying and fasting for us!
~Keira

I just wanted to share this

My cousin Shawn and his wife Jessica (who have been struggling with infertility for over 8 years) were chosen to adopt back in February, the due date in July (I think), but unfortunately the adoption fell through. I'm feeling pretty heartbroken for them, and can only imagine how heartbroken they are feeling right now. So if you could keep them in your prayers that would be very much appreciated (I know most of you who read this have no idea who they are, but I'm sure they could use all the prayers that they can get right now).
 ~Candice

THE STORY

I'm dedicating this song to Shalum and Mike. They understand our ups and downs, because they have them as well. They have stayed by our sides, even when we're at our worst. They are always there helping us and comforting us, making us smile even when we don't feel like smiling. They know how heart broken we are, because they are too. Only they know just how difficult infertility is on us, because they are there with us day in and day out, just as we know how difficult it is on them. But we know we can get through this, as long as we have each other. We were made for them, just as they were made for us.

We love you husbands of ours with all our hearts.

You are the wind beneath our wings.

(I know, that was really corny. But I specialize in corniness. It keeps life from getting too dull. And if Shalum were here right now he'd be giving me a weird look and telling me I'm a retard.)

Seriously, WHY?!

Why can't my optimism last more than a few days!!!??? I was doing really good, feeling really good, and having a great attitude about my situation. And then last night it all came crashing down when I found out my sister is having twins. I was beginning to accept that she was pregnant and I am not, and then I hear this, and I am not doing ok anymore. I am so angry and upset. I want to know why I can't get pregnant. Why I can't have children. And why she gets to have two when I can't even have one. It is so blasted unfair. I want to know what I've done wrong. That's how I'm feeling right now, that I'm being punished. Why, when families are so important, that I am not allowed to have one? It doesn't make sense to me.
~Candice

Meeting with our caseworker

Shalum and I went to Las Vegas over the weekend to meet our new caseworker. She told us that a few months ago a girl was in there looking at profiles and she said the girl probably would have picked us if we had lived in Vegas. The girl wanted someone close to her...but then shortly after she had the baby and placed it with a couple in Vegas, she ended up moving out of state anyway. I wanted to cry when she told me that. It's nice to know that they are showing our profile, but it is so discouraging knowing that no one is choosing us. But after meeting with our caseworker, I'm feeling quite optimistic, despite what we heard about the girl.
~Candice

It has been a long hard week. Its that vicious cycle that I have been going through for the past several years. It is really no surprise that I have been having a downer since this saturday is our 6 year anniversary. 6 years of ups and downs of my infertility journey. 6 years of waiting, hoping, and more waiting. 6 years. 6YEARS!! I really can't believe that it has been that long, but at the same time it feels like this trial has gone on forever. Basically, because it has, and it still continues on with no end in sight. I have found that when I start looking for the positive things that have come through this trial, I start to feel peace. I feel so much more love and happiness in my life and the world around me. My spirit is lifted and my eyes are open to the love that my Heavenly Father and Savior have for me. It brings me closer to them, and the tender mercies I have been given throughout.
      With that, I have come to learn that Satan comes and gets me feeling discouraged, and down which then takes me away from the love and closeness I had been feeling. Well, thats what describes my last couple of weeks. Last Sunday I really had a breakdown. I was frustrated about my trial with infertility as well as my constant battle and trial with my shoulder. I felt completely alone and worst of all I felt forgotten. I felt like Heavenly Father had forgotten about me, and had left me to deal with my trials alone. What a horrible thought! I have battled shaking this thought since then. I kept thinking that with everything else going on in the world and with every other persons trials, that I, with my struggles and sufferings have been put on the back burner in a sense.  I have really had a hard time. Even though I know for a fact that I am learning and growing so much through this, I hate it. I absolutely hate being in  it. And, not so much the infertility (although that is bad enough), but the not knowing. Honestly, if I knew that I would never have my own kids in this life, it would be much easier. I could grieve, move on, and do other things in my life. Look to adoption, or surrogacy or whatever. But, I feel like I never know if, or when it will happen. So, the hope is there, and the let down year after year and anniversary after anniversary. How do I get out of this rut? How do I really feel the peace and comfort of my own situation?
These are some of the questions I have been thinking about and pondering. I just need to keep plugging along.     
        I have also really had a hard time when people surrounding us don't seem to understand or be supportive of us.  Something that I really struggle with is that with some people who know of our struggle are not understanding to our needs. Their attitude is taken in a way that I have no right to feel sad or grieve or struggle with my infertility if I am not actively doing something about it. I need to be doing treatments, or working towards adoption, or else I can't be sad. HELLO??? Really? Maybe its not the right time to do treatments or adoption. But, I am still gonna be sad that I have to go through this, and that it is not happening natural for me as it does for most women. I need to be quite frank when I say that the decision of treatments or adoption is between us and the Lord.  Sorry everyone, for letting you down. Nope, you are not included in helping us decide what is best for us and when it is best for us. This does not meant that I don't want to talk to you about it. I would love to talk to anyone about our plans and our decisions, but I want you to understand that they are our decisions, and I will have you respect that decision, whether you think it is right for us, or not. Give us your advice or words of wisdom, but then please respect our decision and don't make us feel like we are incompetent and are not capable of making the right choice for us.
     We feel that it is right to wait, at this time. That does not mean that because we have felt that this is the right thing for us, that it won't be hard. Believe me, IT IS HARD.  So we are preparing for adoption or extensive treatments EVENTUALLY, when that time comes.  But, with preparing, comes saving and looking towards the future. The prophets have said time and time again that we need to be saving and living below our means. So, for us that does not include fertility treatments at this time. So, for now we wait, and plan, and save. Saving to us means buying what you need and really nothing else. We make some exceptions, but for the most part, we go without or do without the trips, vacations, and unnecessary expenses, in order to be able to save the money for our future treatments/and or adoption. This does not mean that we are not working towards our future with children. WE ARE!  We actively are, as we work and scrimp, and save to be more ready and prepared for when the time comes naturally to have a baby or when the time comes to do extensive treatments or adoption. We will be more prepared, and really isn't that the purpose of this life....to prepare?
-Keira

Faith and Infertility

I just read an article in the April Ensign titled 'Faith and Infertility.' It's about four couples who struggle with infertility, the grief they felt, and how they maintained their faith through it all.

It isn't always easy to have this faith through infertility. You really do have so many ups and downs. And the downs are so low that it's hard to get out sometimes. These couples expressed so many feelings and thoughts that I have had over the years. About feeling lost and having no purpose in life. Wondering why being denied something so important. Feeling broken. Feeling abandoned and forsaken. Being angry at oneself, husband, and God. Having to listen to women say they are thankful that God trusted them with a child and sitting there wondering why God doesn't trust me. Feeling left out. And thinking that if I have enough faith then surely I'll have a child, I'll get pregnant.

The article talks about turning to each other and not letting it cause a rift in your marriage. Being a support for one another. Because often times you struggle at different times than your spouse. Being united in your marriage. Taking more time for each other. Get out and do things, go on dates, travel. It also talks about the importance of physical intimacy and how important that plays in your marriage.

What can help you get through the hard times of infertility is learning new things, pursuing self-improvement projects, and service. Look outside yourself and serve others and uplift them, and find joy in doing this. Have a support network, whether it's family, friends, support groups. It really does help when you're able to find other people who are dealing with it as well, at least it has helped me.

And then above all, looking to the Lord. I like what one of the women said in this article. She said "I finally realized that infertility wasn't a punishment. Once I was past the point of anger and bitterness, I was willing to hear the Spirit and receive direction about what we were supposed to do. Of course, that comes at different points for everyone. Infertility was my refiner's fire. My faith was strengthened through those difficult years." We need to trust in the Lord and turn this over to Him, no matter the outcome or the direction we're sent. Whether the answer is yes, no, or not right now, we need to trust in the Lord and realize He knows what He's doing even if we don't necessarily like it.

There was one quote in this article that really spoke to me. "When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as the result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren't healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith-promoting experience. The second is faith-perfecting." Even though, for me, it's sometimes hard having the faith to get through this, it has never, not once, left completely, it has only been tried. I don't need my faith to just simply be strengthened, but perfected.

I am so glad this article was in the Ensign this month. That they are aware of how much this is needed for me and others like me. It was seriously an answer to my prayers. Reading this has uplifted me. At this moment I truly feel God's awareness of me, and I know He has not forsaken me. I know I am being perfected through this, and this is because He really does love me. And I am thankful for this knowledge and for the Spirit testifying this to me.

~Candice

The reason for trials

Keira, I was wondering where you'd gone to. You know I go through the exact same cycles. And unfortunately the 3rd cycle is the shortest for me. Sometimes I even skip that one (I know, shame on me). It's hard. And I don't know if I'll ever get to the point where I'll accept being childless. I feel empty thinking of my future with no children. I believe that because we're members of Christ's church, we will perhaps be challenged more. Testing our faith. Making us strong and unwavering in our testimonies. These are the type of members that the church needs. Heavenly Father is separating the wheat from the chaff. So even though we don't understand why this is our trial in life we need to continue enduring through them and find peace with our lots. Like you said, this is part of our refiner's fire. I just pray that I can grow and become a better person through this. And when I meet Jesus Christ, I hope that I'll have done all that I could in this life and hear him say the words 'well done my good and faithful servant.'

My Silver Lining

The last few days have been really hard on me. Sunday afternoon I found out my younger sister is pregnant. It crushed me. How could this happen? I was supposed to have a child first. Why am I being denied this? These thoughts and many more have been going through my mind constantly since then. They had come over after I was out of church and we sat at my table talking for a while, and then they dropped the bomb. I immediately started crying, and told them not to look at me. So as they had their heads turned, I was crying, Tamra was crying, and Tyler was talking of inconsequential things. I'm glad he did that, it eventually helped distract me and get my tears in check. I really do hate crying in front of people. I avoid it as much as possible.

I wanted to broach the subject of IVF with Shalum again, but knew he wouldn't go for it because of the expense of it. So I wasn't bringing it up, even though I desperately wanted to. Monday afternoon, Shalum said that we'll start saving up and do IVF (he doesn't want to use the money we have saved right now. He wants it for adoption and to be able to fall back on it if need be). I was shocked that he was on board with this again. Hearing of their pregnancy hit him hard as well. So we are going to go forward with IVF sometime this year. I'm so excited for this! We also know of a clinic that has a 100% money back guarantee if it fails.

This is my silver lining on my clouds of despair. If Tamra hadn't gotten pregnant, I don't think Shalum would be considering IVF. And I hope desperately that it works the first time. I'm tired of feeling crushed.

Also on a side note: In a week and a half we are traveling down to Las Vegas for a few days to meet with our new adoption agent.

~Candice

cycling through

  Hi! It has been a long time since Candice or I have posted anything. Hopefully that means good news and happy spirits on her part, but as for me...well, I just don't have access to a computer since I am not working at the time. I have had quite a bit of time for soul searching, and really earnest prayer. Today I have had a breakthrough with my feelings and how and why I cycle through them. I have come to learn of three emotions and stages that I go through. The first one I had been stuck in for a very long time when we first learned that we were infertile, is anger and depression. I get to the point that I long and ache for my family so deeply, and the fact that I am being required to wait depresses and angers me. It starts small and it just builds and builds. If I let it go long enough I am so enveloped in these emotions that I am angry at myself, God, and everyone around me. Basically,  life is miserable and that is a HUGE understatement. The second stage is to just push everything aside and not think about it at all. I get to the point that I get so swallowed up in my grief that I cannot emotionally, physically, or spiritually handle it. So, instead of moving past it and trying to overcome it I just push it all out of my mind. It helps me to enjoy my life as it is right now and be happy rather than focusing on what I don't have and the pain that comes with it. The last stage that I am trying to focus on is the blessings and purpose of my infertility. With that is finding out what my Heavenly Father would have me do during this time of my life. I am not overburdened with kids or super busy all the time, and so I am focusing on having the faith and trusting in my Heavenly Father and His plan for me. I cannot change my infertility, but I can grow and progress in other aspects of my life. I have come to realize that I am being refined to the person that Heavenly Father wants me to be. If I had been blessed with children right away, like I wanted, I would not have learned the lessons of faith and trusting in my Heavenly Father like I needed. He is working on me and has been for the last 6 years to make me better and stronger. So my question, why am I fighting it? Why am I hating it? He knows what is best for me and has shown that to me over and over again. So, why do I struggle and fight?
    I read an article in the Ensign about infertility and there was something in there that really hit me hard, as I have had similar thoughts throughout my struggles.  "For awhile I thought that if I had enough faith, I would be cured. But sometimes having faith means trusting in and listening to the Lord even when we are not cured. What we want won't always match what He has planned for us. The writer then recalls a talk by a memeber of her bishopric concerning faith: "When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as a result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren't healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith-promoting experience. The second is faith-perfecting."
  I know that my struggle with infertility has been and continues to be like my refiners fire. I don't know how long I will be asked to endure this, but I am striving to have the faith and trust that I need to be able to get through it. I have learned a lot in the near 6 years that we have been trying, and I look back on old journal entries, and it is amazing how much I have grown and changed. I have really been striving to find joy in my journey, and it has made me a completely different person. I know that I will still continue to have hard days where I feel like I can't continue on with this. But I know it is just one of the stages of my infertility cycle. I hope that as I focus on faith and hope that my anger and depression stage will come around much less often , and when it does it won't stay long.
~keira

I got myself into this.

The lesson in Young Women's today at church was about the purpose of life. The three questions 'where did we come from?', 'why are we here?', and 'where are we going?' were brought up. It was mentioned that while we were in the pre-existence we had chosen, or at the very least agreed to, the challenges that we now face. I have thought about this a great deal over the years, and I just have one question....WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS I THINKING TO CHOOSE OR AGREE TO INFERTILITY?! WAS I CRAZY?! So that's how I feel some days, ok lets be honest, most days. But I know I did agree to this challenge, and I know that my pre-existence self knew a whole lot more than I do now. I probably knew that I needed this challenge, that perhaps this was the only challenge that would wake me up and help me learn what I need to and really progress to where I need to be. But I hate it. I hate this challenge. Some days it's all encompassing. And this is where my faith must kick in. I know in my head that this is somehow for my benefit and if I endure through it and overcome this trial, then I will be blessed beyond my imagination. But my heart doesn't always feel this. But strangely, it is a bit of a comfort to know that I did choose this trial. It wasn't forced on me, I made the decision. I knew what I was going to be faced with on this earth, and I willingly accepted it.
~Candice

mormon.org

This post has nothing to do with infertility, just so you know. For those of you who are LDS, if you go to mormon.org and create a profile (if you haven't signed onto lds.org yet, you'll need to get your confirmation # and baptism date from your ward clerk, at least if my memory is correct that's the info you need. But if you have signed on, use that username and password to create your profile.) This profile on mormon.org is for non-members to get on and learn about the gospel and the members. You just tell about yourself, why you're a member, your testimony, etc. It's really cool. I suggest all of you do this. And for anyone who reads this who is not a member, but would like to learn more about our church, mormon.org is a great place to go.

 mormon.org

Enduring on our difficult roads.

Well I don't have any solutions for you because I still struggle with very similar feelings myself. Aching heart or lonely road? Some days it's both. Your heart doesn't just ache, sometimes it feels completely shattered. And not only do you feel like you're the only one who struggles with infertility, but when thinking about your future with no children, you feel completely alone then too and your future looks like a long bleak, lonely road.
I shut down when other women start talking about their pregnancies. And it feels like it happens often, and I hate it. When I find out someone is pregnant, I avoid them as much as I can. And sometimes I push the fact that they're pregnant out of my mind because it hurts too much to think about, and when I see them again, it hits me all over again as if I had just found out, because I had made myself almost forget about it. I know it's weird, but when I struggle with something that's what I do, I often push it out of my mind so I don't have to think about it and sometimes forget about it till it's right in my face again.
I really struggled when I first realized that pregnancy wasn't going to come easily to me as well. However it wasn't until right after our 3rd anniversary that it really began to hit me hard. Don't get me wrong, before that I struggled a great deal, but after 3 years I hit a whole new level and I was deeply depressed. I got to the point that I couldn't even hold a baby, because I would break down every time. That hasn't gone away yet. And our marriage began to suffer during that time. As much as Shalum wanted children, he didn't quite understand my maternal longing. We fought quite a bit, and he said some things that really hurt, because he simply didn't quite understand how I was feeling. Over the years I have had so many feelings of inadequacy, struggling with self-worth, thinking I had done something wrong. I've even been told from a priesthood leader that I need to look inside myself and figure out what I'm doing wrong and change. That felt like a slap in the face. Now after 7 1/2 years of marriage, I still get deeply depressed from time to time. I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to see anyone, I dread going to church each Sunday. Going to church is always the hardest when I'm really struggling. Seeing all the families, babies, pregnant women. Being taught the importance of families, hearing testimonies of how being a mother is the greatest blessing in their lives, while I'm sitting there wondering why I'm not able to have this blessing of all blessings. Why am I excluded? What did I do wrong?
Distancing ourselves from those who are pregnant is our way of protecting ourselves. Because it just hurts too much. And I believe it will always hurt. Even if our dreams one day come true and we're able to have a child, I still believe that looking back, our hearts will still feel the heartache for the years we had to suffer. I think the only thing we can do is trust in our Heavenly Father, and work on letting go of our pain because our Savior has already suffered it. (Easy to say, hard to do). And if we never are able to have children in this life, I know that if we follow our Savior and do all that we can to return home to our Heavenly Father, that we will be blessed with all of our righteous desires. And that is what gets me through. Some days it's the only thing that gets me through. Which makes me so grateful to have the testimony that I do, to know that it is possible. My heart breaks for those who don't have the gospel in their lives and don't know of our Heavenly Father's plan. Because it really is a plan of happiness. It just takes a lot of trials and heartache to get to it. So maybe I do have a solution, faith and hard work.
~Candice

Aching heart or lonely road?

Well, I have been meaning and needing to get on here and post about my thoughts and feelings for a long time. I had shoulder surgery the end of January and have not been on since. Through that time I have found that I need this. I need to get on and get my feelings out, because it helps so they don't continue to build up and up and then eventually bubble over.
I have had an experience that has happened over my absence and it has brought to light a little bit as to why I am the way that I am, and how much I hate it. Mikes family all live very close together, even some extended family. So often we all get together, and I am very supportive (at least I try to be) about going to the many family outings. Well, a few weeks ago we had a big family gathering with people from out of town all coming together. We made plans to go, and hoped to have a good time. I really struggle with big groups, and don't really feel accepted. I am shy and have a hard time including myself in things.
Well, this time was a bit different. I went in with a positive attitude and was happy and as about outgoing as I could push myself to be. Well, all was well until Mikes cousins came in. We love them, but they are expecting, and its hard on me when anyone around me is expecting. I tend to try to distance myself to help manage the ache that inevitably comes with it. Well, we said hello and talked for a minute, but that was it. I couldn't say anything about her pregnancy or anything, I just pretend its not happening, hoping that it makes it easier. Later in the night she was surrounded by my sisters in law and many others bonding and laughing and talking about the joys of pregnancy and everything else. I was sitting close enough to hear, which then is close enough to hurt, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I held it all inside, and then the entire drive home I sobbed. My heart ached so deeply. Not just for myself and infertility, but for the bonding experiences and eternal friendships that I am ultimately missing out on. Mike and I talked many hours that night about how I felt, and what needed to change. Here's my problem, and I still have yet to find a solution....maybe someone can help me. My feelings are so sensitive and tender towards my infertility. When people around me get pregnant it is hard for me, and my heart inevitably aches. So, somewhat by choice and somewhat just happening I have built up a stone wall around my heart. I let very few people in to know and see the real me. I want to let more people in and to be able to make lasting friendships, but like when my sisters-in-law were standing around talking to Mike's cousin about her pregnancy, I close up, for fear of saying something and then just bursting into tears. Everything is so close to the surface that I am deathly afraid of talking and just breaking down. I want to stay strong in front of people, which leads me to close up. I don't know how to open up and let people in, and still be able to protect my heart from the pain that follows.
Not many probably know or even remember, but when our whole infertility thing was just coming out after our first year or so of marriage, and we had found that starting a family won't be coming easy for us, I got so depressed. I have never in my life been in such a dark and depressing place. I hated everything and everyone around me including myself. Our marriage started to suffer a little, and I was not pleasant to be around. I had no one to turn to, and I felt so very deeply alone. It has taken me a long time to dig myself out of that pit I was in, but with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ's help and love, I finally have overcome those terrible feelings. I am scared to death to fall back into that trap I was in for so long. So, what do I do? Well, the way I see it, I either 1. keep the wall around my heart to protect it, and miss out on friendships and walk the lonely road, or 2. I open up and try to let people in and hopefully makes some friends along the way, but I am walking constantly with an aching heart, and the fear of that dark depressing place that once was home. I am feeling lost and confused amidst all my feelings and thoughts, so please share, if you have any thoughts or advice...
~Keira

Ok, share the secret. Where are you getting this water?

When there are a handful of women who are pregnant, I hate when someone says 'must be something in the water.' I hate it. And I've actually only heard pregnant people, with apparently a lot of pregnant friends, say it. My water is normal, and I'm drinking the same as everyone else. Sooo, that must not be it. I just really hate that saying. That is all.

I Would Die For That

Wow. This song says everything for those of us who struggle with infertility and want a child so badly. Cried all the way through it.

So I figured I ought to post something. Life has been very busy lately. I have been constantly on the run, and it's just been crazy. We have a maybe possibility (although I really don't know how likely it will happen at this point) to adopt. There are 5 birth mothers who are looking for adoptive couples. But one of the kickers is that the cost is more than we had been planning (it's not through LDSFS) and we don't have enough money, so we're looking into our options of what we can do about that. Plus we don't have a current home study because of our recent move, and the Las Vegas agency is looking for someone to head up the Elko area (according to our case worker, we live in the middle of no where. ????) She can't find anyone to commit yet, so she says she may have to come up and do it, and I'm thinking 'lets just get it done. Send someone, anyone who can do it.' But alas the wheels turn slowly. A guy was supposed to come up in November to do it, but that didn't happen because he ended up going to Reno, and then he retired in January. On the phone my case worker said not to worry, that they haven't forgotten us, but we are feeling very much forgotten. At the moment we are the only couple in the Vegas agency in the Elko area and it's surrounding areas. So just feeling a bit frustrated right now. So that is that.
Candice