To place or not to place? The most heart wrenching question.

Thursday at around 5pm Shalum and I got a phone call from our caseworker telling us that the birthmother's c-section was scheduled for 9:30 that night but that she was undecided if she was going to go through with the placement. The caseworker suggested we go down to Vegas and visit the birthmother and let her see us with her baby, and hopefully that would help tip the scales towards placement. After the call, we looked at each other and asked, "what should we do? From the sounds of it, the birthmother's leaning more towards keeping him, so would this just be a wasted trip?" But we said, "well if we're serious about this, we should go." So we did. I packed up all our stuff and we were on the road a little after 6 or so.

Friday we visited the birthmother at the hospital. We stayed about an hour and a half and had a really good visit. We were able to hold the little guy the whole time we were there. In our conversation that day she had told us that the Lord had confirmed to her multiple times that we were the couple to place with if she placed. But that she was now waiting for the confirmation of whether to place or keep him. Which didn't make a whole lot of sense to us. If He had confirmed to her we were the couple, wouldn't THAT be confirmation that she should place? But we left the hospital feeling really good about our visit.

The next day we went back to visit her again. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail because so much went on. But it was a mess. The birthmother was getting released and she could take her baby, he was also being released if she wanted to take him home. She decided she did want to keep him, despite the fact that she can't provide for him. At that time, all she had for him was what the hospital gave her that would last a couple days. A couple of her priesthood leaders were there to give her a blessing, plus a friend from her ward (who had previously placed a baby) was also there. They were all trying to help her see that the best thing for her baby was to place him. But she was refusing to listen and saying that the church could provide for them, even though I guess her bishop had told her the night before that they can only do so much for her because the ward members have their own families to provide for first.

So the adoption didn't go through. And we are heart broken. I think it would have been easier had we not seen him and held him. But we don't regret going down, otherwise we would have always wondered what could have happened. And the saddest part of this whole situation is knowing that baby boy could have had a better life. He is now in a home with one parent, a creep for a father who the birth mother wants nothing to do with but comes around every once in a while, and a financially unstable home. I hope he has a good life, but in all honesty, it terrifies me not knowing how it will turn out. But there's nothing we can do about it.
-Candice

Quick Update

The birth mother does not have a scheduled c-section tomorrow....correction, today. I just looked at the clock and it's later than I had realized. They are waiting for her to go into labor to do the c-section. And although she is due today, the last we heard contractions haven't started yet. But we are unsure, at this point, if she is going to go through with the adoption or not. We are hoping and praying she does, but we don't know if she will. Other than being completely stressed out and weighted with anxiety, that's about it. And that's pretty much all we know right now.
~Candice

longing for change

Well, it has been awhile since I posted, and for the most part...things have been good. We have been happy and healthy. We went to Logan for my family reunion and stayed for several days. It is always so good to be with family and totally immerse myself in all the kiddos around. But, as always coming home to a very quiet home, I at first feel relief, but then loneliness and longing for my own children begin to creep into my heart. How can it not, when I just spent several days with my siblings children being totally envious of what they have?
      So, the past several days I have been trying to get outta this funk, and get back to enjoying my own life. So, I get on facebook, and I see that one of my great friends from highschool has had her baby boy. I look through pictures, and start dreaming of my own day when I get to experience all that and have my entire life change and be able to grow and learn. And that is where I realized that most of the longing that I have is because of that change and growth that will take place. I totally feel stagnant. I want to move on in life, have change and not be doing the exact same things day in-day out. I work, I sleep, I eat. Yeah! Ya know? Do you ever want more from life? I am sure we all do from time to time, even those with children. We see what others have and  naturally think its better, more fun and exciting than what we have. We don't take the time to realize how blessed we are and while we are dreaming and being envious of others, maybe someone is doing that with us. Who knows? I don't know why anyone would want the life that I have when I really do work, eat, and sleep, but maybe. I can say my home is very quiet and peaceful. :)
    So, my question to you is...How do I move on? How do I grow and change and totally take advantage of the life I have and actually enjoy it, rather than dreaming of the future...and being envious of others? I really don't know where to go, or what to do. I try praying about it, and don't seem to get an answer. I guess that could mean I am not searching hard enough, or not now, or what?
    I have looked into getting a profile and what not with ldsfs, and it is slowly in the works, but until something comes of that, what?
  Any ideas? Anyone?
   I want to learn, and grow, and change. That is why we are here, and that is what brings us true happiness, but when we feel that it isn't happening, what should one do?
  I got the sweetest email ever on facebook after coming home from my reunion in Logan. It was from another dear friend from highschool. She is married and has several children. Her life seems so perfect (to me.) In the email though, she tells me how she thinks and prays for me often (that is sweet and wonderful in and of itself) but then she tells me how as she reads my blog, she doesn't understand why I am required to go through this trial, but that she can see how strong I am. I was completely dumbfounded. Me, strong? I really felt like she was way off the mark, because if I was strong, this shouldn't be such a burden, and I should be happy all the time and grateful for my life, rather than envious of others, right? I then started thinking about how I felt and acted years ago, and looking back and seeing how much I have changed, and I am stronger than I was. I am making progress, and it helped me to be grateful for the growth and change that has taken place in me, that only  loving Heavenly Father could know would take place with having this challenge. This email from Emily was totally inspired. I had not heard from her in a long time, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. She shared her loving thoughts and concern and offered support and love. Thank you!
   So, I have changed as a person. I have grown and learned and been strengthened. But, how do I go about the changes in life, and moving on in that way? How to find true happiness, when my dreams are not being fullfilled, and the only thing I want is not yet?
~Keira

Update

Just a quick update of what's been going on. Life has been crazy and hectic lately. Shalum and I met the birth mother on the 13th and the meeting went really well. She liked us, we liked her. She's a fun person to talk to. She didn't want to make any final decisions until she had met us and after meeting us, she wanted to pray about it. But she said there's a reason we kept popping up in her mind. There were certain things in our profile that had stood out to her that she really liked. There were also things about us she really liked during our meeting. And our caseworker says she speaks really highly of us. But that first week after the meeting, waiting to hear back if she was still planning on going through with the adoption or not was the most anxious week of my life. From what we've been told, she still has some doubts about the adoption. Not doubts about placing with us, but actually placing. She has quite a few children already and is having a hard time with this. But she has stated often that she can't do it and that's why she's choosing adoption. But she still hasn't told the birth father, so he's a wild card right now. We've learned some things about him that could possibly be in our favor if he wanted to fight the adoption. But we'll see how it goes. So the due date is July 21st, well that's the date scheduled for her c-section, so it's just 3 weeks away! We had our home study three days ago, and phew we passed. Our home is safe! We've also been rounding up things for the baby. Fortunately we've had a lot given to us, things friends didn't need anymore, so we haven't had to buy too much. Which is especially nice if the adoption ends up falling through, fingers crossed that doesn't happen. But I think when we adopt him, I'll probably start replacing it with what I want. This could possibly be my only child and I'm going to get what I want. Sometimes much to Shalum's consternation. He loves free stuff. I've also been doing a lot of reading (need to be prepared) and a lot of crocheting (can't have a cold baby). Oh I hadn't even mentioned that it's a boy! I'm sure you may have caught on having used the term 'him'. Shalum and I have been having the hardest time agreeing on a name. But I think we've finally agreed on one. Shalum had a nickname already in place (there's a personal reason behind it for him) so I've had to come up with a name to fit the nickname, a name we both like. Since I'm not entirely sure it's the name we're going with, I'll not share it just yet. The birth mother has a name that she wants. She said it's of course up to us, but was wondering how important names are to us. We are thinking about using her name as a third name. We'll just have to see how things go right now.

Candice