Well, it has been a long, long time since I last wrote. Life is hard, and it continues to be hard.
We celebrated our 7 years together in April at the same time finding out the Mikes younger brother and wife are expecting twins after being married a year. A couple months after that we find out that Mikes older brother and wife are expecting their 4 after one round of Clomid. Meanwhile I am on my 3 round of clomid and I have no end in sight. I started doing clomid awhile ago, and felt like keeping it a secret. I don't know. Just didn't want to deal with a lot of questions and getting other peoples hopes up, because having my own to deal with is more than enough. So surprise to anyone who didn't know. Mike and I are doing clomid, but no surprise to everyone that it continues to not work. OH WELL!! What does seem to work on overload is the oh-so-unpleasant side affects of the dang stuff!! It has helped regulate my period, since after my D&C it has been crazy, so for that I am super thankful. However, I also have PMS times 10 atleast. I can't seem to be ok with anything or anyone for that matter. EVERYTHING annoys me or hurts my feelings in one way or another. Its actually quite humorous when I can look back on it. :) I also have the WORST. MIGRAINES. EVER!! On top of that I have hot sweats bad. Mostly just at night, but I wake up soaked with sweat. It's disgusting!! But I am freezing at the same time. Horrible, horrible side affects of clomid!!
   So, I was a little concerned, so I got on a medical website and looked up the side affects of clomid, and yes, they are all normal. So, I am normal......yet oh-so-not normal like everyone else taking clomid. Oh the joys...
  Well, on a happier note, although it has nothing to do with fertility :Mike and I are buying our first home. SOOOO EXCITED!! It has been a roller coaster of a ride, but this part of it is coming to a close. We should be closing the end of the month if all goes well. It is in Santaquin, Utah. It has 4 bedrooms and 1/2 acre to play in, and have a GIGANTIC garden. I love being outside and growing stuff, so I am anxious to get going and make it my own. I will update as things move along, but we are just currently busy working, and packing, and playing.
 Love you all and hope all is well!!
Love, Keira

Patience

I read a friend's blog the other day (one who struggles with infertility) and I really liked one of her posts. She was actually quoting from one of her friend's blogs (who also struggles with it). And you know, we often feel like we're alone in our struggles when we see so many people with children, but if you really look around there are so many people who struggle with infertility, just like Keira and I.
Anyway, the post was about the friend and how her and her husband were waiting to be chosen to adopt. A woman in her ward asked how the adoption process was and she told her they were approved and now just waiting. The woman then told her that it will happen when it's supposed to and that she just needed to learn to be patient. One of her best friends had overheard and put her arm around her and said that she has been patient and that she thinks her patience is really amazing.
When I read that I was like WOW, right on friend! I can't tell you how many times I've been told that it will happen when it's supposed to and that I just need to be patient. Well, hello...I had been patient...for years. Yes I had my moments of depression and anger, but overall I have been VERY patient, because quite honestly, I had no other choice...well I could have hid under a rock and let the anger and depression rule and devour me, but since I wanted to LIVE, I had no choice but to BE patient.
And now I have a son...finalization is next month and then it will be official...and oh how I love my little man. He is my world. I cannot imagine not having him in my life and I thank Heavenly Father every day for him. But I still deal with infertility. I'll admit, almost every time I hear someone's pregnant, my heart cringes a little still. My mom says the struggles of infertility always stay with you. It took my mom 4 1/2 years to get pregnant, and she suffered with me because she knew what it was like. She knew the longings I felt, she had comments made to her, and she said part if it stays with you.
I do know that we can let it go by turning it over to Jesus Christ because he took upon our sorrows in Gethsemane, but it can also take a lifetime to learn how to do it. But I know if we continue to endure and continue to strive with all our might to enjoy life, to remain faithful, and to serve Him then we CAN overcome our struggles. But when we're in the midst of our struggles it is one of the hardest things to do. And I know I'll continue to struggle with infertility, but it won't be like before. Because now I have Jax. But it will still be hard at times...despite my patience.

~Candice

Blessings of the Priesthood

On sunday we had a lesson in relief society about the blessings and power of the priesthood. Near the end of the lesson our instructor was asking people for experiences where they or someone they know was blessed by the priesthood and their testimonies of it. So, many people shared experiences where they had blessings and miracles happened, and things worked out. And yes, I have been given many blessings especially before and after my surgeries, and I have a testimony of the power and miracle of the priesthood. But, I thought after I went home about what it means when you are given a blessing and the promises made to you do not come to pass. What does it mean? Why does that happen? I was upset that I didn't think about it until later that night, because otherwise I would have asked the sisters in my relief society their thoughts on it. So, I am asking anyone who may read this. What are your thoughts? I truly felt that I had the faith for the blessings to come to pass, and continued with that faith until the bitter end when it was all confirmed to me that what I was indeed promised was not happening. Why? I have been wondering and have had a lot of questions about it since that time. Tell me your thoughts.
~Keira

hopeless

Its been awhile since I last wrote, and I have no good excuse for that. My lack of writing is due to the fact that nothing has changed, and I have really been struggling. I foolishly thought that since I got pregnant last August miscarried in October and had the D&C in November, pregnancy was going to come easily and naturally again. So, in December when I had a regular period, we tried the very unromantic and tedious job of timing sex around my ovulation. I hate that!! I really do, but we did it. Well, January came and the time I was to start came and went and so I naturally thought that for sure, I must be pregnant. I was trying to notice any signs or symptoms. It went on for about a week, and then the oh so unfriendly reminder came to reassure me that indeed I am not pregnant. I was bummed, really bummed, but as I have come very accustomed to I move on. Try again for next month.
   Well, we tried timing the ovulation again. February came and went with no period. I was for sure I was pregnant. I seemed to have so many symptoms, even morning sickness seemed to hit for three days straight of random throwing up. It was miserable, but oh so worth it, since I was very sure I must be pregnant. I took about 3 pregnancy tests during the month of february, and let down everytime a negative one showed. But, I had not started yet, so maybe it was just too soon to tell. It must be too soon, because I am pregnant, I kept telling myself.
  Well, reality hit on March 2. I was devastated!! I just lost it. No hope left. It doesn't help that we celebrate our 7 year anniversary next month. 7 years, and we are still left hoping for children. Really? How long is this going to go on? Can't I just know if we will have children in this life? If not, I could move on and quit hoping and being let down month after month. That is what kills me, the let down.
   Before I got pregnant, I really seemed to come to terms with it, and was trying to be happy with my life as it was, and move on. I felt like it was going to be ok. Then, unexpectedly I get pregnant, and my life is flipped upside down. I lose my baby, and I feel like I am now back at square one where all I think about is children of my own, thats all I want, that is always on my mind, and I am am just left with an empty feeling continually.
   To me, it seemed that Heavenly Father didn't like that I was ok before and tried to push kids out of my mind and just enjoy my life, which is why I got pregnant, which then forced it to the front of my mind. Then I miscarry, and it still is on the front of my mind which makes me very discouraged and unhappy.
   I have been feeling empty, unhappy, and frustrated. I am out of hope, and what else is there when there is no hope?

Trials and the atonement

I am feeling better! Actually I have been feeling better for quite some time, but been down with a cold, and so still been keeping low and trying to rest to get rid of this cold that is going on 3 weeks! Down no more, I am moving on cold or no cold, and getting out and getting things done! :)
   So, I have been in retrospect the past month about trials, (particularly mine) the purpose of them, and how to overcome them. I was at work and was thinking and talking to myself about the many things I have learned throughout my infertility journey. I have gone through a lot. I have felt deep sorrow, but I am still here, I am still married, and I still have my testimony! What an amazing comfort, and blessing!!!
     I have completely been immersed in books the past couple months. I am constantly reading. My sister bought me the book "Lost Children"-coping with miscarriage for Latter Day Saints. I read it in a couple hours, and man! what a comfort that was. Just to have someone else who knows what I have gone through first hand, and explains the grieving process. It was comforting to hear that what I was feeling and going through was normal and healthy as I have been working through the stages of grief. I highly reccomend it to anyone dealing with miscarriage. I have also read book entitled "Infertility"-Hope, healing, and comfort. Also, very good. In both of these books there was a section included for those that don't suffer with infertility themselves, but for families or friends that do and they want to give help and comfort. Stay tuned: I will post some of those comments later, as most people likely won't read the books unless they are the ones suffering with it first hand.
   Another book I am reading was only by inspiration. Let me explain: At work on this particular day I had a lot of time to just let my mind wander and think. Unfortunately my  particular frustration this day was that we were being pressured to MOVE ON! Quit feeling sad, and get out and get over it. I was not ready. I knew it, and Heavenly Father knew that I was not ready for it. I heal, I do. But it takes time. So, because our friends were making me feel like I was behind, and wasn't healing, and I should be feeling better and "over it" by now I was completely overwhelmed and frustrated. I started praying at work. And then I started listening and thinking and letting my mind wander. I started thinking about the atonement of Christ. He suffered for our sins, but also for pain, sorrow, heart break, etc. So, I know as we are taught the process of repentance and gaining forgiveness of sins, which covers the sins Christ took upon Himself, but what about the rest? How do we gain the peace, healing, and comfort promised through the atonement? Is it just given? Well, I have been doing a lot of research. I have been praying and going to the temple. I have been searching to find out more about the atonement. It lead me to the book entitled The Broken Heart-applying the atonement to life's experiences. I have learned that in order to gain the comfort, healing, and peace you need to be doing what we do anyway. We need to be praying, fasting, going to the temple, reading our scriptures. I have been doing all those things. Showing our Father we have faith, and we continue to move on, and He will grant us the healing in His time. It is not instantaneous, just like forgiveness of our sins is a process which takes time, so does the peace and healing. We show our Heavenly Father by our actions and how dilligent we are in seeking Him, and then we have faith that the healing will come, and it does! It has come. I have truly felt so much better! There is still more healing that is needed each day as I need different things,  but I know that Christ is there, and His atonement does cover all.
   I Love this gospel, and the peace, and hope we have!!
 Thank you for those that have prayed so hard for us. We have felt the strength and peace, and I have no doubt that your prayers, love and support have brought it to us!
 I love you all!
~Keira

Our Adoption Journey

I know it's been a long time since I've posted and updated. As you know Shalum and I were chosen to adopt back in October. The baby boy was due Dec 20th, but decided that wasn't soon enough and graced the world on Nov 24th, Thanksgiving night. I happened to be down near Las Vegas (where he was born). Shalum was still up in Elko, but I was down in Mesquite at my mother's condo. I had gone down to spend some time with the birth mother. She was actually scheduled to have a c-section on the 30th, so I went to spend some time with her before he was born. I had gone down on the 23rd and was going to head over to Vegas the 25th. The 24th at around 7:30 I got a call from the birth mother's mother telling me she was going into labor and they were at the hospital and getting ready to do a c-section. He was born at 9:49pm. He was 5lbs 10oz and 18.5 inches long. Shalum came down the 25th. We signed the adoption papers on Dec. 3rd. That was a pretty bittersweet moment for me. I was so excited for Shalum and I, but it was so hard watching the birth parents sign the papers. They said they were fine and still had no doubts. But it was difficult for me to watch.
I am so excited to have a child to call my own, to be a mother. His name is Jared Axel Decklan. Jared is Shalum's middle name, I just really love the name Axel (Shalum hates it, but after a few years of telling Shalum I wanted to name a child that, he finally gave in when we actually had the chance. He so sweet to me.) And Decklan is a name the birth parents had chosen.
Jared was born with pulmonary valve atresia, which means a valve in his heart was completely closed. The day after he was born they ran a catheter through his thigh up to his heart and popped it open with a balloon. The doctors anticipated having to do open heart surgery as well, but it was never necessary! He has been doing so well! Everytime the cardiologists came by while he was in the NICU they were constantly saying how amazed they were at how well he's doing and that he's their little champion. When he was born they put him on medication to keep his PDA's open so the blood could flow to his lungs. Three days after the catheter procedure they took him off the medication. They told us that's amazing because they normally keep them on those meds for about another two weeks. That's how well his heart was doing!
He was discharged from the NICU on Dec. 17th. We were so excited that he was able to come home before Christmas. I had stayed in Vegas the whole time, while Shalum traveled back and forth due to work. And it's a long trip. Fortunately I was able to stay at the Ronald McDonald House. That place is amazing and am so grateful I could stay there.
This little man has turned our worlds upside down, in the greatest way possible. He is our world and can't even begin to say how grateful we are for him and how grateful we are to his birth parents. We have such a respect and love for them. We wouldn't be parents if it weren't for them and the love they have for Jared.

Here is our beautiful little man
Jared Axel Decklan Stone
(Also called Jax)

~Candice