Welcome! This is a blog for Keira and Candice to speak of all our woes. Ha! Not exactly. We both struggle with infertility. This is our way of keeping in touch and being a support for one another. Here is where we share our thoughts, our feelings, our struggles, our hopes, and our dreams. We have often asked ourselves 'why not us?' We would sure like to know what happened to our storks. So if anyone with similar struggles visits this blog, just know YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Although at times it sure feels like it, doesn't it? Hopefully this may help you as well.

Friday, March 13, 2015

A language called compassion and empathy

   The other day I was rescued by a great friend asking me to go on a walk. If you know anything about me...the answer was YES I would LOVE to go on a walk...enjoy the sunshine...and chat. Especially when I have had a REALLY cruddy day and had spent the hour prior crying my eyes out. On our walk...her and I talked a lot. Well, in all honesty.... I vented a lot and she listened and comforted. :)
   Well, we got on the topic of compassion and empathy. Just for those English nerds that love having the definitions (like myself) Compassion-- sympathetic concern for the suffering or misfortunes of others. Empathy-- the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
    After my venting and crying my friend told me that she thought that the ability to have compassion and empathy is like another language. Many people don't know how to speak that language. We then talked about how when we are open in our suffering we allow others the opportunity to show compassion and empathy to us and as we allow it and they show forth this love we strengthen a relationship and become closer. I believe you become closer to another person through suffering than in any other way possible.
    So..... why can some speak this language and others seemingly can't?
    The conclusion I have come to is that as we suffer and deal with our own trials, they will change us and help us to learn to be compassionate and empathetic----IF WE LET THEM. It's not automatic.  I believe that no one is naturally great at this...some may have it better than others but ones own suffering is the greatest teacher of this.
      Let me illustrate through an experience I had: growing up my sister just older than me and I were never really close. She is 2 years older than me and we were just very different people. Well, several years ago she was pregnant with what would have been her 5 child. It was a boy and she was pretty far along...past the point of common miscarriage. Well, I remember my mom calling me to notify us that Nyree had lost her baby. I was devastated! How could that happen? What do I do? What can I say? Maybe I won't call, because I am afraid I may say the wrong things. No....not calling is not the right answer. Well, I got up the nerve to call and figured all I could say was I'm sorry, because I didn't truly understand how she felt. How could I offer comfort when I had never even been able to get pregnant and so I couldn't possibly understand the loss. Well, I remember calling and I could barely choke out the words...I'm sorry and I love you because before I knew it I was balling on the phone. We cried together. I had no real words of comfort or any possible way to take away her hurt or pain (although I desperately wanted to) but I showed her I loved her and had compassion and empathy as I cried with her on the phone. It was then a couple years later that she had the opportunity to reciprocate that EXACT scenario. I had miraculously gotten pregnant and had lost my baby. Sure enough... she called and she offered me great advice (as she had been there) and she cried with me on the phone. I remember her telling me that the pain and suffering she felt when she lost her little one was awful, but she would go through it all again if it could take it away from me. Who would do that? I was and am still in awe of her. Then Stephen (her husband) asked to talk to Mike and gave Mike great support and even cried with him. Mike still remembers, as do I, the conversations he had with Stephen and the love he felt. The relationship had been strengthened as empathy, compassion and love had been shown and our relationship had been changed forever.
   I believe that to show empathy and compassion you don't need to know what the other person is going through exactly. But-- you can imagine what they are feeling and the hurt and suffering that they feel, you also feel with them---because you have known your own pain, suffering and misfortunes. You want to take that pain away, and even though you can't---you are willing to do all you can to help ease that burden.
    Well, this got me thinking even deeper. What is our Savior Jesus Christ's role? What was His sacrifice really for? Throughout my trials I have really dug deeper to know more about His atonement. I have come to know that His sacrifice for me and for you was not just for our sins. Yes, it definitely covered our sins and bridged the gap back to our Father in heaven, but did you know that it was also to feel what we feel. Did you catch that? FEEL WHAT WE FEEL. Everything that we go through in this life...He has felt before we did. Every pain, suffering, heartbreak, sickness, doubt, fear, confusion, betrayal. loneliness.....the list goes on. He felt it all before we do. Why? To be our greatest comforter and supporter. Who can offer better advice, comfort, love and security than someone who has been EXACTLY where we are at? That's why He did it. He knows that just as we strengthen our bonds with each other as we show forth compassion and empathy...as we turn to Him in our pain and sufferings that He will show forth compassion, empathy, and love and our relationship with Him can be forever changed as well. This is so important. In this---trials are vital! Trials have the power to change us and alter our relationships with Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ and our fellow man forever----if we allow them to.
   Be real and allow others to see your sufferings. Allow others to help and be there and show forth their love, compassion and empathy, as it has the power to change us all! Life is hard! We need each other. We are not helping ourselves or others by suffering in silence. Heavenly Father wants us to open up to him and each other. We can learn so much from one another and there is strength in numbers. This is why satan is so set on getting you alone. Don't allow it. There are others who can help you and in turn you can help. That is the reason we are all here anyway, right?
    For the first time in my life I am SO grateful for my trials. They have shaped me into the person that God needs me to be. They have helped me to learn to be compassionate and empathetic to others and have ultimately brought me so much closer to my loving Savior Jesus Christ. He is my best friend and he has never left my side. Even when things got real dark...he was carrying me though and helping to make me stronger everyday.
   Friends, I need you and (hopefully) you need me. Lets stick together and we can get through this crazy thing called life!
~Keira

Thursday, March 12, 2015

Trials never cease....

I haven't written a blog post in about 3 years. We were placed with our son the end of 2011 and for the most part, I've been fine with our infertility. I have come to love adoption and loved being able to grow our family this way. But then difficult things come up, and it becomes a struggle again. And while I love adoption, I'm having a difficult time with it right now. We had another failed placement over a year ago (that makes three, we had two before we were placed with Jared). And now we're going through another possible failed placement. But this one has been SO much harder than the others. And the others were really hard for us.

We were chosen by a birth mother in September. She was expecting a boy due December 12th. Early morning on October 20th, I get a phone call that the baby had been born a few hours earlier and that the baby was actually a girl! Quite the surprise! Because she was born so early she was transferred to Oklahoma City for better care. I was able to go and spend about a week with her. I came back home and we were planning our next trip the following week, which Shalum would be coming with me this time. However, two days after I left, baby girl needed an emergency blood transfusion but the hospital couldn't get a hold of the birth mom. And since we weren't officially placed with her at that time (placement needed to happen in Arkansas, not Oklahoma) the hospital wouldn't contact us, nor would they even take our contact info. Since they couldn't get a hold of the birth mom, they called in social services on grounds of abandonment, so they could get a 'go ahead' for the transfusion.

And since she has been in Oklahoma State care, they have told us things that we needed to do and then came back saying that's not how it works and whoever told you that was wrong. (after we did what we were first told, which ended up costing us a lot of money. Adoption is expensive enough without adding unnecessary costs to it). They also rejected our current home study because it wasn't thorough enough, and will be requesting a new one through ICPC. (The adoption agency we initially did our home study through was blown away by that. They said their home studies have never been rejected before and the worst that had ever happened was an addendum was requested which usually happened with international adoptions.

Right now the caseworker is waiting on her social security card. I wish they had started working on this in November. It's March now and she was released from the hospital in January and has been in a foster home ever since. For more than two months now. They can't give us any details on how she's doing. I haven't seen her since she was two weeks old. I am struggling a great deal with this. The caseworker is often difficult to get a hold of. And I'm worried that if the foster family decides they want to adopt her, that a judge will rule in their favor. It has become a disaster and I don't know if/when we'll be placed with her. I'm missing this important bonding time with her. I'm missing her milestones. I'm missing her. I may not have given birth to her, but I fell in love with her while I was with her. And I am devastated by the way this has turned out. I just pray that she's doing well and being taken good care of. I'm also worried that if we are placed with her, what that transition might do to her. But I'm also worried what will happen to her if she isn't placed with us.

I'm back to hurting when I see babies and pregnant women. I'm struggling with how easy it is for others to have children and I'm also struggling with how much of an easier experience others I know have with adoption. Even with Jared there were some complications with the adoption, not the placement, but getting to the adoption. Some days I just want to quit and say forget it, it's too hard. While I say that, I know I'm not going to give up, even though I think it will be easier. But as the saying goes 'good things don't come easy'. I keep having to remind myself of that. And I know that somehow, I'll be better and stronger for this. I'm glad that I have a strong testimony of our Savior, the gospel, and Heavenly Father's plan of Salvation that I know this won't crush me. But it is certainly a very hard trial.

~Candice

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Long overdue update :) Exciting news!!

  Well, its been a long long time since I last wrote! A lot has happened. In the last year Mike and I have been seeing a fertility specialist. It was decided that we didn't know how far we were going to go in the process, but just wanted some answers as to why we have been unable to have kids the past 10 years.
   Well, long story short---we got answers. We have infertility that affects both of us. As if single infertility wasn't hard enough,  we got double. :( It was a hard pill to swallow. I left that first day with a cloud overhead and just felt hopeless. I was diagnosed with poly cystic ovarian syndrome as well as an underactive thyroid. All in all---my ENTIRE struggle is hormone based. Because of my pcos it affects my blood sugar and makes it extremely difficult to lose weight, I am in pain often, my period is irregular and EXTREMELY heavy so much so that it seems I am passing a baby every month in the size of blood clots. Its awful! I get hair in places that hair should NEVER be. All in all I feel very self conscience and so much less of a woman. It just adds to it that the dr. doesn't give me any help on managing my symptoms except to lose weight and that will help manage the other symptoms.  Well, when that doesn't seem to be possible....now what? Its frustrating that with pcos every single person that has it has different set of symptoms. Its all very overwhelming and discouraging. I have heard that I have to cut out all dairy as the hormones in dairy products interfere and throw off our own personal hormones. So, I tried that. I know that eating sugar is bad in MANY ways and so I have cut out that. I have been gluten-free for a year and a half and it seems the more I cut out and eat healthier---the more weight I gain. I seriously do not get it. I have wanted to throw in the towel and just say forget it---but what if it will help me get pregnant in the end? It keeps me going and trying and everytime I start bleeding I wonder why I keep trying. I heard once that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result. Well, thats me EVERY SINGLE MONTH. Why?! When is enough enough? Am I just throwing all my money away in fertility treatments for nothing?  Well, after trying a few different things and MANY frustrations with our dr. we decided to give it a break. In all honesty-- it never really felt right. I don't know if it was just not right right then-- but it never felt like it was right for us at that point. We got our answers and went our way. It is so draining---financially, emotionally, and mentally. It makes me VERY vulnerable and my emotions are raw. So, a break we took.
    Many years ago I read a book about a little boy that was abused and put into foster care and the experiences he had. It caused me to ponder and I talked to Mike and he jumped on the foster care wagon. I was teetering. I felt like I would LOVE to help and love on some babies, but I didn't want my heart ripped out--  --Been there done that-- with a failed adoption and then my own miscarriage back in 2011-- and the toll that heart break took on my system. After my own pain I turned away from God and have never been in such a dark place. It was the first time in my life that I felt like my faith was not enough to get me through--and that was terrifying. BUT- I not only made it through but I am stronger and have a personal relationship with my Savior as He carried me through that time. It has caused me to spend so much more time on my knees and in studying the scriptures to strengthen my faith so that I am more prepared next time.
   So, I was NOT ready and felt I would NEVER be ready and open to heartache. So, Mike dropped it and never brought it up again.
    Well, then many months ago I happened on a blog post from a lady I have never met and she shares her experiences with her foster babies. I read that and balled. Ugly uncontrollable sobs. It was unreal what parents do to their innocent babies. I felt a stirring in my heart to save those babes. For once it was not about me and the pain I was signing up for, but my focus was on them---those babies that hurt in so many more heart wrenching ways and have noone to protect them and are too young to protect themselves. Here I was--striving to protect my heart while there are SO many that need real protection.
   The stirring in my heart happened that day and never left. I had so many doubts and fears, but it all came back to the babies. It only took a whole 2 seconds to get Mike on board and we jumped on. In January we  met our foster care agent and he answered many questions and got us on the right path. There is SO much involved in becoming registered foster parents and so it is a very slow process, but we are in the process. It still is unreal. I still have many doubts and fears, but as I put my faith and trust in a loving Heavenly Father-- He wipes those fears and doubts and comforts my heart. I feel honored to be chosen to help these broken spirits on their road to healing and be able to teach them of a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior Jesus Christ that has felt their pain and can strengthen and heal them. I have felt broken in my own ways through my infertility journey and Christ has made my weaknesses strengths and helped to heal my heart and I get to help them. I have so much love to give and I am so excited for the experience and the opportunity.
  I used to think that there is no way I could do foster care because I would get too attached-- it would be too hard. Well, thats exactly the purpose of foster care. To bridge the gap and give these littles someone to care for them. Someone to be their advocate and fight for their needs. I may have them for a long time or a very brief period, but whatever it is I am asked to do--I will give it my whole heart. They deserve that much! And when its time to say goodbye-- it will hurt, but I will know that at least for that brief time I helped them to heal and to feel loved and they helped me by filling a void I have had for a very long time. We need eachother. Here is an excerpt from a blog that I loved and I needed to share:

"I can never be a foster parent. I'd get too attached."

If I had a dollar for every time I heard this. In fact, I hear it almost every single time me being a foster parent comes up. 

So, I want to clarify a little something.

1) I am not some woman with the super power to love and attach only to the extent that it won't hurt me. 

That super power doesn't exist. 

You could even say I'm attached. And it will hurt to say good-bye. 

So if you are the kind of person that would get "too attached", congratulations. You'd be a great fit as a foster parent.

2) Attachment is kinda the point. 

Ok, so I would love to hear about the last time you stopped by your local orphanage. Seriously. If you have visited an orphanage here in the states, please comment and tell me about it. 

But... My guess is you've never seen one.  Right?

That is because the US got rid of orphanages. Why? Because of attachment. 


When a child doesn't form a bond to a person before the age of 2, their ability to function as a normal person is severely impaired. And that bond was not forming  in a group home or institution. 

A kid needs a family. 

Bio is of course first choice. But when a bio family can't provide that bonding in a safe and loving atmosphere, enter foster families. 

We step in --- and we get attached. At least, as much as we can. We stand in the kids' corner, advocate for their needs, love them as if we gave birth to them, dream, and pray, and hope for them with all our might. 

And then one day, we have to say Good-Bye. 

We have to let go and hope that all of our love and sleepless nights and fears and hopes and prayers and meetings and sensory tools and visits and preparations were enough. 

We hope that we bonded and they bonded to us. We hope that we gave them the gift of the ability to trust others. To believe in their own worth. To know they are loved. To know that God has never forgotten them. To know that there is something to love and relationships outside of abuse and neglect. 

In short, getting too attached is one of the best gifts we could give these kids.

Even if it hurts to say good-bye.


Monday, March 10, 2014

which way to go?? What to do when you get to a fork in the road of life...

I have been pondering about my life A LOT lately. I was thinking about the ultimate goal in this life. My goal and probably everyone's goal, is JOY. Joy that is not temporary, and joy that only comes from being on the path that Heavenly Father created just for you. Everyone is different, and He has a plan for each individual person, from beginning to end. When we get off that path, many times it brings sorrow, pain, confusion....etc. We figure things out, repent, and get back on that path. So, when we come to a fork and we have a decision to make, we go to our Father in prayer, to determine which is the right way to go. This especially happens with big life decisions, but can be really little simple choices we make as well. He is there to guide and direct us as long as we ask.
     So, when we come to a fork and a decision needs to be made what do we do? Well, I think about it and figure out which one looks and sounds more appealing to me, and take that to God in prayer, fasting, temple etc. After diligently asking, if I feel nothing, does that mean His answer is no? Not sure. Well, so I try the other choice, by taking that to God in prayer, followed by fasting, and temple attendance. So, what does it mean if you still  feel nothing? You asked about one, and felt nothing, so you asked about the other and felt nothing. You may begin to wonder if He is even listening to you. It could mean the answer is both choices are wrong and you need to come up with another option....... It could mean you are just not ready for the answer yet........ It could mean that both are good and you can choose. So, all those are so different, how do you know what to do????
   So, this is the story of my life. I really struggle with answers to prayers. Some are so easy to hear and know without a doubt what you are supposed to do, and then there are some that are really trying and no matter what I do, I never get a definite answer.
       Well, a little bit ago my inlaws talked with Mike and I about our options with seeing a fertility specialist. Neither have us have really felt pushed to get seriously checked out. We have done a little bit of treatments and testing and tried a few different things, but nothing really extensive. Because of our choices to not do extensive treatments AT THIS TIME, I feel VERY judged. I have even gotten the comment multiple times from different people that if they were in our shoes, they would do EVERYTHING in their power to have kids, and why we aren't doing it, they don't understand, and therefore not very compassionate in our trial. I don't think people mean to come across rude or judgemental, but they just don't understand. You CAN'T ever fully understand it, unless you go through it yourself, and even then you can't fully understand how it affects another person. Just because I am not currently seeing a specialist, does not mean I am not still trying everything in MY power to get pregnant. A lot of it is planning and counting and the rest I have decided at this point to hand over to the Lord. Because of the options of seeing a specialist have been presented and have seemed more appealing to me, we may go that route EVENTUALLY.  But, I have prayed about it and don't feel anything. Every time I think about it I get excited thinking about being pregnant again, and maybe actually ending up with a baby this time, but then I just feel a cloud hanging over my head. I have doubts and fears and I just don't know what is right. I want a DIRECT answer from God, and for some reason He is withholding it from me. I feel so frustrated and confused. I know that following His plan will bring me the greatest amount of Joy and Peace, but what do I do if I can't figure out what that plan is and He seems to not be answering??!!!
   
   

Friday, January 31, 2014

    I have had a rough couple of weeks! I have been posting very uplifting and encouraging posts on here lately. I have been trying to see the positive and have peace in my situation. But to be honest,  I still have hard, hard days. Days where my heart seems to split in two, and nothing can be done to repair it. I am very thankful that those days seem less and less and I have many more good, positive days. But, the fact of the matter is- I still struggle. I really wonder if I will ever feel totally at peace and happy about our infertility, and the bad days will no longer exist. I doubt it. I really think we have to have days like this to be humble and rely on our Savior. We are promised that we will never be tested more than we can handle. I have come to learn for myself that this is simply NOT true. If we were not tested more than we ourselves could handle, then who would need the Savior? I believe we are tested purposefully more than we can handle, so that we will turn to Him when it feels like it is too much. That's one reason why He suffered for us, so that He knows EXACTLY what we need when we go through it. He has already been there. Oh, how grateful I am for Him! Life has seemed so hard and I wouldn't be able to deal without Him. I have a choice to make everyday. I struggle every morning with that choice. Am I going to be happy, and feel thankful and at peace with my situation? Or am I going to be angry, and frustrated and pessimistic about it? It is my choice. Some days are just too hard to be happy. Some days I need to lie in bed for hours and just cry. Some days I need to spend what seems like forever on my knees telling my Heavenly Father how I feel, and how it seems that He is not listening to me and He is not answering my prayers, and He is not being fair. But then there are days that I spend forever on my knees pleading to understand, pleading for peace and happiness and I am granted exactly that and feel so thankful for my situation. 
    Today at work I was asked by an aquaintance why we aren't able to have children. She heard through the grapevine about our infertility and felt comfortable asking me questions about it. Naturally, I am really open about it. However, it bugs me a bit when someone doesn't even know my last name or anything else about me and they ask about it. Just FYI-  it is a very personal and loaded question when you ask someone why they can't have kids. Just because my trial is "worn on the outside" so everyone can see, doesn't mean I want to tell you all about it. It is hard. It is painful, and so please be understanding when you ask. I really don't mind people asking me. In fact, Mikes parents talked to Mike and I about some options and just some help. We didn't ask for it, but it was so totally welcome. They said how they prayed about it to be able to talk to us about it. How sweet and understanding is that? I felt so loved, valued, and supported in our trial and in our decisions about it. That's what we need. This trial is by far the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with. I feel so isolated and alone. I have prayed to have friends that don't feel awkward and uncomfortable around me since I can't have children. You don't realize how much women bond and become great friends, because of their children. I have had numerous friends that have come into my life, and then when they get pregnant they feel bad and pull away,  as they think this will save me the pain. I promise that when you pull away, it not only hurts because I am jealous and wish it was me that was preg. but also because I lose another friend and feel more isolated and alone. There are so many other trials that come from this one trial. Its not just a trial of not being able to have kids. 
   When I first was called into primary in my ward to teach the sunbeams and then "promoted" to teach the ctr-4 I felt totally inadequate. It was hard. It was frustrating that I don't even have my own kids, and I am called to teach the gospel to these kids. I really struggled. But, as in every case, Heavenly Father knew it was where I needed to be. I have grown to love these kids as if they were my own. I taught the same group as sunbeams and then I was moved up and got to teach them again, and I was so happy. I love those kids! I learned so much, and if all they learned was that Heavenly Father and Jesus love them, and I love them, then it was a success! I looked forward to teaching them every sunday, and loved when they would see me in Sacrament and smile and wave. Made my heart melt and made the gap in my life feel a bit better. At the start of the year "my kids" moved up to the next class. I cried. I knew it was going to happen, and I dreaded it! I know that I will fall in love with these new kids as well, but its hard to say goodbye.
   Only a loving Heavenly father would know that teaching these kids could fill a gap in my shattered heart. I am so thankful.
    I know that I will continue to have ups and downs. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn and grow and help others to learn as well. I am thankful for the love and support that we receive and for those with an understanding heart. 

Tuesday, November 12, 2013

       Life continues moving on. Mike has been in school since August, and even though he is only taking 2 classes (7credits) it takes up so much time and energy! We are both still working full-time and he has school and I try to keep everything else in order. Its a lot. I have been feeling so much gratitude lately that we don't have kids. Wait, did I just say that?  I know...its taken me by surprise, but I don't really know how we both could work so much, deal with school, and manage a house and a half acre yard with the startings of a farm. I feel like its too much on most days, since work completely zaps me, and I don't have little kids to go home and care for.
   So as of late, I am happy and grateful that I am not in charge of my life. There is One who is in charge, and knows what is best for me. Some days that doesn't make it any easier or lessen the pain I feel when my heart aches so bad for little ones. However, when I am sick, dealing with my stomach issues, and trying to work 40-60 hours a week and manage everything else around the house I thank heavens that things didn't turn out the way I wanted. We have new goals, and I am so happy that Mike is finally in school, and hopefully I will be shortly behind him, and we have so much to work towards. It excites me!
    I was talking to my mom the other day, and she said something that really hit me hard. She talked about Sheri Dew (She always comapres me to Sheri Dew because her life certainly hasn't gone the way she planned either:  no marriage or kids) but she said that Sheri has written a new book on women and the priesthood, (since this is something new that people are struggling with) and she said that had she been married and had children of her own, she may not have had the time or energy to write this book. Heavenly Father knew that our world would need this book, (and probably many of her other AMAZING books) and without other responsibilities of a family, she had the time, energy, and ability to write them. My mom said maybe that's like me. Maybe I willingly decided in Heaven to sacrifice and not have children in this life, or wait later in life so that I could do a more important work. When she said that I instantly was enveloped in the spirit. I felt so good and it brought tears to my eyes. Heavenly Father does know me, and He knows what I am capapble of and apparently what He needs me to do right now, needs to be done without children. I have decided to do it. I am very timid and shy, but I have decided that He can count on me to do what needs to be done and say what needs to be said.  I didn't sacrifice for nothing, and I am determined to follow HIS plan, and not fight for my own. I love this gospel. It truly is a gospel of HOPE.
   I know that our Savior Jesus Christ suffered and died for each of us. They know and love all of us unconditionally. The atonement covers not only sins, but also pain, suffering, sickness, and broken hearts. He knows what I desire, but He also knows what I need to accomplish, and the more important work I have at this time.
   Thanks to all my friends and family and strangers who love and support me. I am dealing with my own struggles, as is everyone else, so let's be patient with one another as we all find the work we were sent here to accomplish.
 Love, Keira

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Past Regrets=Future Delays

   I've been thinking a lot lately about my life and all the regrets that I have. Mike and I have been married for 8 1/2 years and what do we have thats any different than when we started out all those years ago? Besides joy, pain, and sorrow.....nothing has changed, really. We are in the same boat essentially that we were all that time ago. Most people get married and after a couple years look for the growth and change in having and raising a family. Things work out exactly the way they plan, and have joy and learning as they go.
   What about us? We haven't been able to have kids. NOTHING has worked out the way we planned and I try to have faith and trust in His plan for me, but somedays it just gets to be too much. When I can't see the big picture, and it seems that all that is happening is me being torn apart, and then getting hard, and non feeling and then something happens and I soften and get torn apart again. I am just really tired. Tired of the same things and just continuing to go round and round again.
     I have been thinking about our future lately. Mike started school in August and I will be one year behind him. We are in hopes of getting a degree and moving up in our company since we will have been there 10+ years after we graduate. We can make more money and then look into doing fertility treatments and or adoption again. I know many people judge us based on the fact that we struggle with our infertility, but in others' eyes we aren't doing anything to change it. Honestly, we don't have the money to change it. We made the mistake of not going to college, and now we are in a job that meets our needs, but no money for anything extra, and so even if I was to get pregnant, the reality is  I couldn't afford to stay home. We made that one choice that has affected the impact of our infertility very negatively. We are stuck. There are others who also suffer with infertility, but have made better, wiser choices than us, and they can do something about it. We are working on that now, but its a regret I will live with, and continually beat myself up about. So therefore, our past regrets about putting off school has unfortunately delayed us in our hopes of having a family anytime soon.
     I've really been struggling and been really emotional lately. I have struggled with the ongoing issues of my stomach, I am burned out of work, and this is the month that we lost our one and only baby two years ago. I feel like the pain should be lessened, and in a way, it is. However, it is still really hard for me. I have cried, or felt like crying everyday the past week, and it will continue to be harder as it gets closer and closer. Next month, a week after we lost our babe, I will be turning 30. That's another frustrating factor. I know people can get pregnant in their later years, but it lessens quite drastically from age 30 and on.
   I guess it all comes down to my knowledge and testimony of the gospel, Christ's atonement, and God's plan for my life. He knew we would wait to go to college, and that we would inevitably have to wait to take the steps to hopefully start a family. He knew how hard it would be for me. He knew the pain in my heart, and my struggles of everyday life. He knew it all. BUT, He also knew that I could handle it. He knew that it would stretch me, and test me in so many ways, and He knew that I could overcome my challenges. He knew that as I turned to Him for strength when it feels that I am so depleted that we could do it together. I struggle. I have good days. I have really, hard days. But, I am holding to His strength at this time until I can muster up my own.
    I love my Heavenly Father, and my Savior Jesus Christ so much. I am, so indebted to them for everything. I fall short in so many areas, and grateful that they make up the rest. I am thankful for my family and friends who give me strength and love and support. I love you all.