Enduring on our difficult roads.

Well I don't have any solutions for you because I still struggle with very similar feelings myself. Aching heart or lonely road? Some days it's both. Your heart doesn't just ache, sometimes it feels completely shattered. And not only do you feel like you're the only one who struggles with infertility, but when thinking about your future with no children, you feel completely alone then too and your future looks like a long bleak, lonely road.
I shut down when other women start talking about their pregnancies. And it feels like it happens often, and I hate it. When I find out someone is pregnant, I avoid them as much as I can. And sometimes I push the fact that they're pregnant out of my mind because it hurts too much to think about, and when I see them again, it hits me all over again as if I had just found out, because I had made myself almost forget about it. I know it's weird, but when I struggle with something that's what I do, I often push it out of my mind so I don't have to think about it and sometimes forget about it till it's right in my face again.
I really struggled when I first realized that pregnancy wasn't going to come easily to me as well. However it wasn't until right after our 3rd anniversary that it really began to hit me hard. Don't get me wrong, before that I struggled a great deal, but after 3 years I hit a whole new level and I was deeply depressed. I got to the point that I couldn't even hold a baby, because I would break down every time. That hasn't gone away yet. And our marriage began to suffer during that time. As much as Shalum wanted children, he didn't quite understand my maternal longing. We fought quite a bit, and he said some things that really hurt, because he simply didn't quite understand how I was feeling. Over the years I have had so many feelings of inadequacy, struggling with self-worth, thinking I had done something wrong. I've even been told from a priesthood leader that I need to look inside myself and figure out what I'm doing wrong and change. That felt like a slap in the face. Now after 7 1/2 years of marriage, I still get deeply depressed from time to time. I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to see anyone, I dread going to church each Sunday. Going to church is always the hardest when I'm really struggling. Seeing all the families, babies, pregnant women. Being taught the importance of families, hearing testimonies of how being a mother is the greatest blessing in their lives, while I'm sitting there wondering why I'm not able to have this blessing of all blessings. Why am I excluded? What did I do wrong?
Distancing ourselves from those who are pregnant is our way of protecting ourselves. Because it just hurts too much. And I believe it will always hurt. Even if our dreams one day come true and we're able to have a child, I still believe that looking back, our hearts will still feel the heartache for the years we had to suffer. I think the only thing we can do is trust in our Heavenly Father, and work on letting go of our pain because our Savior has already suffered it. (Easy to say, hard to do). And if we never are able to have children in this life, I know that if we follow our Savior and do all that we can to return home to our Heavenly Father, that we will be blessed with all of our righteous desires. And that is what gets me through. Some days it's the only thing that gets me through. Which makes me so grateful to have the testimony that I do, to know that it is possible. My heart breaks for those who don't have the gospel in their lives and don't know of our Heavenly Father's plan. Because it really is a plan of happiness. It just takes a lot of trials and heartache to get to it. So maybe I do have a solution, faith and hard work.
~Candice

Aching heart or lonely road?

Well, I have been meaning and needing to get on here and post about my thoughts and feelings for a long time. I had shoulder surgery the end of January and have not been on since. Through that time I have found that I need this. I need to get on and get my feelings out, because it helps so they don't continue to build up and up and then eventually bubble over.
I have had an experience that has happened over my absence and it has brought to light a little bit as to why I am the way that I am, and how much I hate it. Mikes family all live very close together, even some extended family. So often we all get together, and I am very supportive (at least I try to be) about going to the many family outings. Well, a few weeks ago we had a big family gathering with people from out of town all coming together. We made plans to go, and hoped to have a good time. I really struggle with big groups, and don't really feel accepted. I am shy and have a hard time including myself in things.
Well, this time was a bit different. I went in with a positive attitude and was happy and as about outgoing as I could push myself to be. Well, all was well until Mikes cousins came in. We love them, but they are expecting, and its hard on me when anyone around me is expecting. I tend to try to distance myself to help manage the ache that inevitably comes with it. Well, we said hello and talked for a minute, but that was it. I couldn't say anything about her pregnancy or anything, I just pretend its not happening, hoping that it makes it easier. Later in the night she was surrounded by my sisters in law and many others bonding and laughing and talking about the joys of pregnancy and everything else. I was sitting close enough to hear, which then is close enough to hurt, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I held it all inside, and then the entire drive home I sobbed. My heart ached so deeply. Not just for myself and infertility, but for the bonding experiences and eternal friendships that I am ultimately missing out on. Mike and I talked many hours that night about how I felt, and what needed to change. Here's my problem, and I still have yet to find a solution....maybe someone can help me. My feelings are so sensitive and tender towards my infertility. When people around me get pregnant it is hard for me, and my heart inevitably aches. So, somewhat by choice and somewhat just happening I have built up a stone wall around my heart. I let very few people in to know and see the real me. I want to let more people in and to be able to make lasting friendships, but like when my sisters-in-law were standing around talking to Mike's cousin about her pregnancy, I close up, for fear of saying something and then just bursting into tears. Everything is so close to the surface that I am deathly afraid of talking and just breaking down. I want to stay strong in front of people, which leads me to close up. I don't know how to open up and let people in, and still be able to protect my heart from the pain that follows.
Not many probably know or even remember, but when our whole infertility thing was just coming out after our first year or so of marriage, and we had found that starting a family won't be coming easy for us, I got so depressed. I have never in my life been in such a dark and depressing place. I hated everything and everyone around me including myself. Our marriage started to suffer a little, and I was not pleasant to be around. I had no one to turn to, and I felt so very deeply alone. It has taken me a long time to dig myself out of that pit I was in, but with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ's help and love, I finally have overcome those terrible feelings. I am scared to death to fall back into that trap I was in for so long. So, what do I do? Well, the way I see it, I either 1. keep the wall around my heart to protect it, and miss out on friendships and walk the lonely road, or 2. I open up and try to let people in and hopefully makes some friends along the way, but I am walking constantly with an aching heart, and the fear of that dark depressing place that once was home. I am feeling lost and confused amidst all my feelings and thoughts, so please share, if you have any thoughts or advice...
~Keira

Ok, share the secret. Where are you getting this water?

When there are a handful of women who are pregnant, I hate when someone says 'must be something in the water.' I hate it. And I've actually only heard pregnant people, with apparently a lot of pregnant friends, say it. My water is normal, and I'm drinking the same as everyone else. Sooo, that must not be it. I just really hate that saying. That is all.

I Would Die For That

Wow. This song says everything for those of us who struggle with infertility and want a child so badly. Cried all the way through it.

So I figured I ought to post something. Life has been very busy lately. I have been constantly on the run, and it's just been crazy. We have a maybe possibility (although I really don't know how likely it will happen at this point) to adopt. There are 5 birth mothers who are looking for adoptive couples. But one of the kickers is that the cost is more than we had been planning (it's not through LDSFS) and we don't have enough money, so we're looking into our options of what we can do about that. Plus we don't have a current home study because of our recent move, and the Las Vegas agency is looking for someone to head up the Elko area (according to our case worker, we live in the middle of no where. ????) She can't find anyone to commit yet, so she says she may have to come up and do it, and I'm thinking 'lets just get it done. Send someone, anyone who can do it.' But alas the wheels turn slowly. A guy was supposed to come up in November to do it, but that didn't happen because he ended up going to Reno, and then he retired in January. On the phone my case worker said not to worry, that they haven't forgotten us, but we are feeling very much forgotten. At the moment we are the only couple in the Vegas agency in the Elko area and it's surrounding areas. So just feeling a bit frustrated right now. So that is that.
Candice