Its been awhile since I last wrote, and I have no good excuse for that. My lack of writing is due to the fact that nothing has changed, and I have really been struggling. I foolishly thought that since I got pregnant last August miscarried in October and had the D&C in November, pregnancy was going to come easily and naturally again. So, in December when I had a regular period, we tried the very unromantic and tedious job of timing sex around my ovulation. I hate that!! I really do, but we did it. Well, January came and the time I was to start came and went and so I naturally thought that for sure, I must be pregnant. I was trying to notice any signs or symptoms. It went on for about a week, and then the oh so unfriendly reminder came to reassure me that indeed I am not pregnant. I was bummed, really bummed, but as I have come very accustomed to I move on. Try again for next month.
Well, we tried timing the ovulation again. February came and went with no period. I was for sure I was pregnant. I seemed to have so many symptoms, even morning sickness seemed to hit for three days straight of random throwing up. It was miserable, but oh so worth it, since I was very sure I must be pregnant. I took about 3 pregnancy tests during the month of february, and let down everytime a negative one showed. But, I had not started yet, so maybe it was just too soon to tell. It must be too soon, because I am pregnant, I kept telling myself.
Well, reality hit on March 2. I was devastated!! I just lost it. No hope left. It doesn't help that we celebrate our 7 year anniversary next month. 7 years, and we are still left hoping for children. Really? How long is this going to go on? Can't I just know if we will have children in this life? If not, I could move on and quit hoping and being let down month after month. That is what kills me, the let down.
Before I got pregnant, I really seemed to come to terms with it, and was trying to be happy with my life as it was, and move on. I felt like it was going to be ok. Then, unexpectedly I get pregnant, and my life is flipped upside down. I lose my baby, and I feel like I am now back at square one where all I think about is children of my own, thats all I want, that is always on my mind, and I am am just left with an empty feeling continually.
To me, it seemed that Heavenly Father didn't like that I was ok before and tried to push kids out of my mind and just enjoy my life, which is why I got pregnant, which then forced it to the front of my mind. Then I miscarry, and it still is on the front of my mind which makes me very discouraged and unhappy.
I have been feeling empty, unhappy, and frustrated. I am out of hope, and what else is there when there is no hope?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Dear Keira.. I want you to know that back in 06 I was in the EXACTLY the same spot you are now. I lost my mother in law and 15 hrs later we lost our 1st child. a little over a week later I had emergency gallbladder surgery. In 2007, I lost a twin with my daughter, and the Dr kept saying I was gonna lose her.. but in Oct 2007, we had her and she is healthy.. that was after 5 years of trying. We had another baby in 09, but in Jan/Feb of 11 we lost a baby again.. after that I almost gave up again.. but felt blessed to have the 2 I have. til we was pregnant last fall and we was so excited.. but at 23 weeks 3 days.. we was preparing to ready for our baby boy.. when we went for a check up and found out he had passed away.. Had a c-section to have him and his cord was wrapped around him and his neck. I feel very hopeless like I have done something wrong.. but I know that Heavenly Father isn't a punishing God.. and a week after I buried my son, the local town got hit with a tornado ( which you might of seen on tv Harrisburg, IL) and I became even more helpless cause I couldn't do out and help cause I am still healing on the inside.. so that brings up the loss even more.. but what I am trying to say.. we have good with the bad and we have to keep fighting.. write in your journal, read your scripture.. find a support group whether online or in person.. I have a group on facebook that I will tell you about if you want.
ReplyDeleteIf there is anyway I can help I will dear.. I am praying for you.. cause through all of my pain the last month, I have been thinking about you and wondering how you are.. I am thankful you updated your blog.. There is Hope dear.. it is small but I can feel it in your writing.. HUGS, LOVE, and LOTS of PRAYERS!