Who the heck shot my stork?!

    I have had a rough couple of weeks! I have been posting very uplifting and encouraging posts on here lately. I have been trying to see the positive and have peace in my situation. But to be honest,  I still have hard, hard days. Days where my heart seems to split in two, and nothing can be done to repair it. I am very thankful that those days seem less and less and I have many more good, positive days. But, the fact of the matter is- I still struggle. I really wonder if I will ever feel totally at peace and happy about our infertility, and the bad days will no longer exist. I doubt it. I really think we have to have days like this to be humble and rely on our Savior. We are promised that we will never be tested more than we can handle. I have come to learn for myself that this is simply NOT true. If we were not tested more than we ourselves could handle, then who would need the Savior? I believe we are tested purposefully more than we can handle, so that we will turn to Him when it feels like it is too much. That's one reason why He suffered for us, so that He knows EXACTLY what we need when we go through it. He has already been there. Oh, how grateful I am for Him! Life has seemed so hard and I wouldn't be able to deal without Him. I have a choice to make everyday. I struggle every morning with that choice. Am I going to be happy, and feel thankful and at peace with my situation? Or am I going to be angry, and frustrated and pessimistic about it? It is my choice. Some days are just too hard to be happy. Some days I need to lie in bed for hours and just cry. Some days I need to spend what seems like forever on my knees telling my Heavenly Father how I feel, and how it seems that He is not listening to me and He is not answering my prayers, and He is not being fair. But then there are days that I spend forever on my knees pleading to understand, pleading for peace and happiness and I am granted exactly that and feel so thankful for my situation. 

    Today at work I was asked by an aquaintance why we aren't able to have children. She heard through the grapevine about our infertility and felt comfortable asking me questions about it. Naturally, I am really open about it. However, it bugs me a bit when someone doesn't even know my last name or anything else about me and they ask about it. Just FYI-  it is a very personal and loaded question when you ask someone why they can't have kids. Just because my trial is "worn on the outside" so everyone can see, doesn't mean I want to tell you all about it. It is hard. It is painful, and so please be understanding when you ask. I really don't mind people asking me. In fact, Mikes parents talked to Mike and I about some options and just some help. We didn't ask for it, but it was so totally welcome. They said how they prayed about it to be able to talk to us about it. How sweet and understanding is that? I felt so loved, valued, and supported in our trial and in our decisions about it. That's what we need. This trial is by far the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with. I feel so isolated and alone. I have prayed to have friends that don't feel awkward and uncomfortable around me since I can't have children. You don't realize how much women bond and become great friends, because of their children. I have had numerous friends that have come into my life, and then when they get pregnant they feel bad and pull away,  as they think this will save me the pain. I promise that when you pull away, it not only hurts because I am jealous and wish it was me that was preg. but also because I lose another friend and feel more isolated and alone. There are so many other trials that come from this one trial. Its not just a trial of not being able to have kids. 

   When I first was called into primary in my ward to teach the sunbeams and then "promoted" to teach the ctr-4 I felt totally inadequate. It was hard. It was frustrating that I don't even have my own kids, and I am called to teach the gospel to these kids. I really struggled. But, as in every case, Heavenly Father knew it was where I needed to be. I have grown to love these kids as if they were my own. I taught the same group as sunbeams and then I was moved up and got to teach them again, and I was so happy. I love those kids! I learned so much, and if all they learned was that Heavenly Father and Jesus love them, and I love them, then it was a success! I looked forward to teaching them every sunday, and loved when they would see me in Sacrament and smile and wave. Made my heart melt and made the gap in my life feel a bit better. At the start of the year "my kids" moved up to the next class. I cried. I knew it was going to happen, and I dreaded it! I know that I will fall in love with these new kids as well, but its hard to say goodbye.

   Only a loving Heavenly father would know that teaching these kids could fill a gap in my shattered heart. I am so thankful.

    I know that I will continue to have ups and downs. I am thankful for the opportunity to learn and grow and help others to learn as well. I am thankful for the love and support that we receive and for those with an understanding heart.