Welcome! This is a blog for Keira and Candice to speak of all our woes. Ha! Not exactly. We both struggle with infertility. This is our way of keeping in touch and being a support for one another. Here is where we share our thoughts, our feelings, our struggles, our hopes, and our dreams. We have often asked ourselves 'why not us?' We would sure like to know what happened to our storks. So if anyone with similar struggles visits this blog, just know YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Although at times it sure feels like it, doesn't it? Hopefully this may help you as well.

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Long overdue update :) Exciting news!!

  Well, its been a long long time since I last wrote! A lot has happened. In the last year Mike and I have been seeing a fertility specialist. It was decided that we didn't know how far we were going to go in the process, but just wanted some answers as to why we have been unable to have kids the past 10 years.
   Well, long story short---we got answers. We have infertility that affects both of us. As if single infertility wasn't hard enough,  we got double. :( It was a hard pill to swallow. I left that first day with a cloud overhead and just felt hopeless. I was diagnosed with poly cystic ovarian syndrome as well as an underactive thyroid. All in all---my ENTIRE struggle is hormone based. Because of my pcos it affects my blood sugar and makes it extremely difficult to lose weight, I am in pain often, my period is irregular and EXTREMELY heavy so much so that it seems I am passing a baby every month in the size of blood clots. Its awful! I get hair in places that hair should NEVER be. All in all I feel very self conscience and so much less of a woman. It just adds to it that the dr. doesn't give me any help on managing my symptoms except to lose weight and that will help manage the other symptoms.  Well, when that doesn't seem to be possible....now what? Its frustrating that with pcos every single person that has it has different set of symptoms. Its all very overwhelming and discouraging. I have heard that I have to cut out all dairy as the hormones in dairy products interfere and throw off our own personal hormones. So, I tried that. I know that eating sugar is bad in MANY ways and so I have cut out that. I have been gluten-free for a year and a half and it seems the more I cut out and eat healthier---the more weight I gain. I seriously do not get it. I have wanted to throw in the towel and just say forget it---but what if it will help me get pregnant in the end? It keeps me going and trying and everytime I start bleeding I wonder why I keep trying. I heard once that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result. Well, thats me EVERY SINGLE MONTH. Why?! When is enough enough? Am I just throwing all my money away in fertility treatments for nothing?  Well, after trying a few different things and MANY frustrations with our dr. we decided to give it a break. In all honesty-- it never really felt right. I don't know if it was just not right right then-- but it never felt like it was right for us at that point. We got our answers and went our way. It is so draining---financially, emotionally, and mentally. It makes me VERY vulnerable and my emotions are raw. So, a break we took.
    Many years ago I read a book about a little boy that was abused and put into foster care and the experiences he had. It caused me to ponder and I talked to Mike and he jumped on the foster care wagon. I was teetering. I felt like I would LOVE to help and love on some babies, but I didn't want my heart ripped out--  --Been there done that-- with a failed adoption and then my own miscarriage back in 2011-- and the toll that heart break took on my system. After my own pain I turned away from God and have never been in such a dark place. It was the first time in my life that I felt like my faith was not enough to get me through--and that was terrifying. BUT- I not only made it through but I am stronger and have a personal relationship with my Savior as He carried me through that time. It has caused me to spend so much more time on my knees and in studying the scriptures to strengthen my faith so that I am more prepared next time.
   So, I was NOT ready and felt I would NEVER be ready and open to heartache. So, Mike dropped it and never brought it up again.
    Well, then many months ago I happened on a blog post from a lady I have never met and she shares her experiences with her foster babies. I read that and balled. Ugly uncontrollable sobs. It was unreal what parents do to their innocent babies. I felt a stirring in my heart to save those babes. For once it was not about me and the pain I was signing up for, but my focus was on them---those babies that hurt in so many more heart wrenching ways and have noone to protect them and are too young to protect themselves. Here I was--striving to protect my heart while there are SO many that need real protection.
   The stirring in my heart happened that day and never left. I had so many doubts and fears, but it all came back to the babies. It only took a whole 2 seconds to get Mike on board and we jumped on. In January we  met our foster care agent and he answered many questions and got us on the right path. There is SO much involved in becoming registered foster parents and so it is a very slow process, but we are in the process. It still is unreal. I still have many doubts and fears, but as I put my faith and trust in a loving Heavenly Father-- He wipes those fears and doubts and comforts my heart. I feel honored to be chosen to help these broken spirits on their road to healing and be able to teach them of a loving Heavenly Father and a Savior Jesus Christ that has felt their pain and can strengthen and heal them. I have felt broken in my own ways through my infertility journey and Christ has made my weaknesses strengths and helped to heal my heart and I get to help them. I have so much love to give and I am so excited for the experience and the opportunity.
  I used to think that there is no way I could do foster care because I would get too attached-- it would be too hard. Well, thats exactly the purpose of foster care. To bridge the gap and give these littles someone to care for them. Someone to be their advocate and fight for their needs. I may have them for a long time or a very brief period, but whatever it is I am asked to do--I will give it my whole heart. They deserve that much! And when its time to say goodbye-- it will hurt, but I will know that at least for that brief time I helped them to heal and to feel loved and they helped me by filling a void I have had for a very long time. We need eachother. Here is an excerpt from a blog that I loved and I needed to share:

"I can never be a foster parent. I'd get too attached."

If I had a dollar for every time I heard this. In fact, I hear it almost every single time me being a foster parent comes up. 

So, I want to clarify a little something.

1) I am not some woman with the super power to love and attach only to the extent that it won't hurt me. 

That super power doesn't exist. 

You could even say I'm attached. And it will hurt to say good-bye. 

So if you are the kind of person that would get "too attached", congratulations. You'd be a great fit as a foster parent.

2) Attachment is kinda the point. 

Ok, so I would love to hear about the last time you stopped by your local orphanage. Seriously. If you have visited an orphanage here in the states, please comment and tell me about it. 

But... My guess is you've never seen one.  Right?

That is because the US got rid of orphanages. Why? Because of attachment. 


When a child doesn't form a bond to a person before the age of 2, their ability to function as a normal person is severely impaired. And that bond was not forming  in a group home or institution. 

A kid needs a family. 

Bio is of course first choice. But when a bio family can't provide that bonding in a safe and loving atmosphere, enter foster families. 

We step in --- and we get attached. At least, as much as we can. We stand in the kids' corner, advocate for their needs, love them as if we gave birth to them, dream, and pray, and hope for them with all our might. 

And then one day, we have to say Good-Bye. 

We have to let go and hope that all of our love and sleepless nights and fears and hopes and prayers and meetings and sensory tools and visits and preparations were enough. 

We hope that we bonded and they bonded to us. We hope that we gave them the gift of the ability to trust others. To believe in their own worth. To know they are loved. To know that God has never forgotten them. To know that there is something to love and relationships outside of abuse and neglect. 

In short, getting too attached is one of the best gifts we could give these kids.

Even if it hurts to say good-bye.


3 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing your experience and testimony. The tenderness touched my heart! Good luck to you!

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  2. You my friend are Amazing and wonderful and all sorts of other beautiful things. Let's chat soon!!

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  3. Keira, I wish you both all the luck in the world. I hope that your experience is wonderful. My husband and I tried foster care a while back, so if you ever need to talk to someone who knows what it's like as you take that journey, know that you can contact me via Facebook anytime, friend. HUGS! :) Mynn xx

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