Who the heck shot my stork?!

It has been a long, very hard week. I have really struggled a lot, and been mad and frustrated with myself that I am not happy and over this whole failed adoption thing yet. I want to just move on and be happy like I was before, but the healing process is very s.l.o.w. I have had a lot of thoughts constantly swirling around my head, and making any sense out of them takes a lot of work. My emotions are all over the place.
      My first big wake up call was when I was basically told about two weeks after the failed adoption that I should be feeling better and be ready to try agagin, and that because I am still struggling and feeling really sad that maybe I need to go talk to my dr. about depression. That was maybe two weeks after the ball came crashing down. Two weeks for crying out loud! Really? So, I feel like I have lost a child, and I should be feeling better within two weeks, and because I am not yet, I seriously need to go see my dr?  I felt like it was totally insensitive, and I felt after that point that something was wrong with me. I guess I thought that any "normal" person would have been over this and lining back up at the agency for another chance at adoption. I am just not ready for that yet. Is that ok? Not for some people, I guess. I need to speed up my healing process so that I can please everyone, meanwhile not pleasing myself. It is killing me with all the pressure, and the ideas that everyone has that will help me, or blah blah blah! I know that the only people who knows and understands me and how I feel and what I need is Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. Yes, there are others who have gone though a failed adoption, however everyone handles it differently, and uniqely as we are all different and unique. So, I am turning to Him for comfort and healing. Unfortunately, just like physical healing, emotional healing takes time. I wish it was all over by now, but I know that I need more time. I am better than I was, and as I look back and see that, I am eternally grateful for the healing that is taking place, no matter how slow. I know that I am being strengthened and lifted to be able to handle this, and on my darkest and hardest days, I am literally being carried.
    I am so grateful for a few close friends of Mike and I that have really been sensitive to our needs, and been so thoughtful. It is such a gift that these people don't know exactly how we feel, or what we are going through because they have not been there, but yet they are kind, thoughtful, and sensitive. What a huge blessing! Thank you! Mike works with a very nice guy who we had informed about the adoption when we were trying to get everything ready and prepared. Well, he asked Mike yesterday how it was all going, and Mike told him what happened. He was so sorry. Oh, you could tell that he really felt some of the pain that we felt, and he felt that for us! He came up and said how sorry he was for me, and even that small gesture, was huge. Then, he went home that night and called his brother who works for lds family services in Texas, and told him what had happened, to kind of see what we were having to deal with. His brother told him that it is very traumatic and hard for most couples to deal with. It is losing a child, or like having one of your children die. Would you be able to get over that in a couple weeks?  He told Lyle of a lady that had the same senario happen, and a year later the lady went back to get therapy, because she could not get over the grief. She was still struggling so bad even a year later.
  Does that give ya'll a wake up call? This is not easy. It is not something that you can just "get over" in a few short weeks. It takes time. I need time. I know that I will overcome this and try again, but not before I am ready.  I need the healing power of the spirit, and I am getting little glimmers of hope and light as the days go by. It doesn't mean I am over it, or even close to being over it, but I am moving forward. I have turned my burden over to my Savior, and since I did that through prayer and have relied on Him, I felt the burden being literally lifted. I have felt better, and been able to see many blessings that have come through this experience.
~Keira