Well, it has been awhile since I posted, and for the most part...things have been good. We have been happy and healthy. We went to Logan for my family reunion and stayed for several days. It is always so good to be with family and totally immerse myself in all the kiddos around. But, as always coming home to a very quiet home, I at first feel relief, but then loneliness and longing for my own children begin to creep into my heart. How can it not, when I just spent several days with my siblings children being totally envious of what they have?
So, the past several days I have been trying to get outta this funk, and get back to enjoying my own life. So, I get on facebook, and I see that one of my great friends from highschool has had her baby boy. I look through pictures, and start dreaming of my own day when I get to experience all that and have my entire life change and be able to grow and learn. And that is where I realized that most of the longing that I have is because of that change and growth that will take place. I totally feel stagnant. I want to move on in life, have change and not be doing the exact same things day in-day out. I work, I sleep, I eat. Yeah! Ya know? Do you ever want more from life? I am sure we all do from time to time, even those with children. We see what others have and naturally think its better, more fun and exciting than what we have. We don't take the time to realize how blessed we are and while we are dreaming and being envious of others, maybe someone is doing that with us. Who knows? I don't know why anyone would want the life that I have when I really do work, eat, and sleep, but maybe. I can say my home is very quiet and peaceful. :)
So, my question to you is...How do I move on? How do I grow and change and totally take advantage of the life I have and actually enjoy it, rather than dreaming of the future...and being envious of others? I really don't know where to go, or what to do. I try praying about it, and don't seem to get an answer. I guess that could mean I am not searching hard enough, or not now, or what?
I have looked into getting a profile and what not with ldsfs, and it is slowly in the works, but until something comes of that, what?
Any ideas? Anyone?
I want to learn, and grow, and change. That is why we are here, and that is what brings us true happiness, but when we feel that it isn't happening, what should one do?
I got the sweetest email ever on facebook after coming home from my reunion in Logan. It was from another dear friend from highschool. She is married and has several children. Her life seems so perfect (to me.) In the email though, she tells me how she thinks and prays for me often (that is sweet and wonderful in and of itself) but then she tells me how as she reads my blog, she doesn't understand why I am required to go through this trial, but that she can see how strong I am. I was completely dumbfounded. Me, strong? I really felt like she was way off the mark, because if I was strong, this shouldn't be such a burden, and I should be happy all the time and grateful for my life, rather than envious of others, right? I then started thinking about how I felt and acted years ago, and looking back and seeing how much I have changed, and I am stronger than I was. I am making progress, and it helped me to be grateful for the growth and change that has taken place in me, that only loving Heavenly Father could know would take place with having this challenge. This email from Emily was totally inspired. I had not heard from her in a long time, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. She shared her loving thoughts and concern and offered support and love. Thank you!
So, I have changed as a person. I have grown and learned and been strengthened. But, how do I go about the changes in life, and moving on in that way? How to find true happiness, when my dreams are not being fullfilled, and the only thing I want is not yet?
~Keira
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Keira;
ReplyDeleteI honestly wish I lived closer cause all I want to do is give you a hug... I know I must be weird cause I don't even know you.. But everyone deserves a hug know and then...
You are a special person and I agree with your friend Emily.. I wish I knew the answers for you.. but I can share with you what worked for me when I struggled for 5 yrs.. I had atleast one of my nieces or one of hubby's nieces (mostly his) come and stay with us over the summer, sometimes I had more than one.. But whatever it was I tried to stay busy.. There is always a friend that would love a free moment to take a nap or read or just be able to go to the store alone.. you could search that friend out.. just open up your heart to the ones in your ward that might need that little more help or love.. I know you are thinking how am I to give love when I am hurting..
Myself I closed everyone out so bad when we lost our first child, it was BAD.. I slowly started letting people back in and my life became a little bit easier and the more I tried to help and love others the more it became easier to deal with and less about the loneliness.. I truely hope that you find something that helps you and that you find more to help you grow from this experience.. I know you have so many who love you and pray for you guys.. Please keep sharing cause I love to read and my heart swells with love for you, Candice and your families.
If you ever find a recipe on how to be "happy all the time" please share it with the rest of us. Actually I've been thinking lately about whether I'd want to trade trials with people and which ones those would be. I think about my brother who is about to get married and right away I know I wouldn't want to redo the 1st year of marriage because I love being in a relationship where you've already figured each other out. I think about you often and I don't know if I would have the strength to match yours. I don't think being strong means it's not a trial for you but you bear it while still living a productive life with your husband, family, and friends and exploring new hobbies and talents to invite more growth into your routine. I know it's hard dealing with the same big trial for so long, wondering when it's going to end, and I just wish you guys the best.
ReplyDeleteI often find that when I forget myself and my problems in the service of others, I'm happier. My life takes on new meaning, my problems seem smaller, and I'm able to find motivation where I couldn't before. This has also occasionally inspired me to try new hobbies, which is also a great distraction.
ReplyDeleteYou are strong, Keira. Dealing with a burden of this magnitude can't be easy, but the fact that you are trying to move forward is proof of your strength. Hang in there, and keep on moving on. Good things often come in places you least expect them.
A while back my doctor told me that I ought to go back to school if I was so inclined. He pointed out that being a mother would be only a short period in my life and I had to keep in mind the many years I will (hopefully) live after the kiddo leaves home. And when I think about my life I realize that while I love being a mother, I have a million and one things on my list that I'd like to do. And though I am not at all in a hurry for my little one to grow up I know that when he does I'll have things to take over so I won't be empty.
ReplyDeleteI've been wondering what your ambitions are. I know you want to be a mom and that is most important. But even when that is finally granted it will only be for one season of your life. What else do you want? And could you start in on some of those now? What about volunteering? Going to school? Maybe not school, but maybe learning a specific trade? Have you always wanted to skydive? What are things you want? I think you should just make a list and start in on it. There's no reason to wait. And if your season to become a mother starts later than others that's okay because you've been working on the other things you need and want to accomplish in this life. There's so much to do and learn. Maybe you could pursue a career you're interested in. You have options. Start thinking outside the box. There is so much good that you can do right now. You're trials have indeed made you strong. And even though the ache won't go away while you're doing other things, at least you'll be doing. That is worth something. You're awesome.