Thursday at around 5pm Shalum and I got a phone call from our caseworker telling us that the birthmother's c-section was scheduled for 9:30 that night but that she was undecided if she was going to go through with the placement. The caseworker suggested we go down to Vegas and visit the birthmother and let her see us with her baby, and hopefully that would help tip the scales towards placement. After the call, we looked at each other and asked, "what should we do? From the sounds of it, the birthmother's leaning more towards keeping him, so would this just be a wasted trip?" But we said, "well if we're serious about this, we should go." So we did. I packed up all our stuff and we were on the road a little after 6 or so.
Friday we visited the birthmother at the hospital. We stayed about an hour and a half and had a really good visit. We were able to hold the little guy the whole time we were there. In our conversation that day she had told us that the Lord had confirmed to her multiple times that we were the couple to place with if she placed. But that she was now waiting for the confirmation of whether to place or keep him. Which didn't make a whole lot of sense to us. If He had confirmed to her we were the couple, wouldn't THAT be confirmation that she should place? But we left the hospital feeling really good about our visit.
The next day we went back to visit her again. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail because so much went on. But it was a mess. The birthmother was getting released and she could take her baby, he was also being released if she wanted to take him home. She decided she did want to keep him, despite the fact that she can't provide for him. At that time, all she had for him was what the hospital gave her that would last a couple days. A couple of her priesthood leaders were there to give her a blessing, plus a friend from her ward (who had previously placed a baby) was also there. They were all trying to help her see that the best thing for her baby was to place him. But she was refusing to listen and saying that the church could provide for them, even though I guess her bishop had told her the night before that they can only do so much for her because the ward members have their own families to provide for first.
So the adoption didn't go through. And we are heart broken. I think it would have been easier had we not seen him and held him. But we don't regret going down, otherwise we would have always wondered what could have happened. And the saddest part of this whole situation is knowing that baby boy could have had a better life. He is now in a home with one parent, a creep for a father who the birth mother wants nothing to do with but comes around every once in a while, and a financially unstable home. I hope he has a good life, but in all honesty, it terrifies me not knowing how it will turn out. But there's nothing we can do about it.
-Candice
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Candice, I am sorry.. My heart breaks for you all.. If there is anything at all I can do please let me know... I am praying and thinking of you guys. I know you have a good, well awesome support system there, but if I can do anything at all I will do my best...
ReplyDeleteI wish I could give you all a hug and tell you it will be ok, but I am too far away.. so BIG HUGS! and I will continue to pray and think of you all often.. I will still keep my ears and eyes open.. Love you guys!
I don't know you but I've been following your updates and I just wanted to say how sorry I am. Thanks for sharing your experiences. I'm sure it can't be easy to write about what happened with so much composure and respect for other people's choices even though we may not agree with those choices.
ReplyDeletei am so sorry candice. i can only imagine the pain that the two of you are going through. know that you are loved and you have a support system all around you if you need anything. it is impossible to know why these things happen, but know that you are destined for great things, and they are on their way.
ReplyDeleteCandice,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. So, so very sorry. I know a bit of the pain you feel, but we did not get as far before we knew that ours fell through. I don't know how much worse I would have felt if I actually held the little one that was meant to be ours and then have it not work out. I do know though that the Savior strengthens us to the capacity that we need for what we are dealing with. I have learned more than anything else through our failed adoption was that Christ's atonement covers a lot more than sin. Yes, it definetly covers that, but it also covers our pain, heartbreak, and loss. As long as we are willing to turn it over to Him.
I haven't told many people this, but when we dealt with ours back in April I was so, so angry. I felt abandoned and mislead from Heavenly Father. I refused to read scriptures or pray. I was so distant from the healing power of the spirit. After several days of that I was in such a dark place, and was tempted to do some pretty stupid things that I would have never given any thought before.(Thankfully I was not stupid enough to do any of them) The saying that dark and light cannot dwell in the same place at the same time took on new meaning. Because I had distanced myself from the spirit, Satan was there to take over, and take over he did. Until I realized what was going on and that I needed to change. I needed the Savior and the light and peace that only turning to Him brings. I have realized how fragile a testimony is in the face of very hard trials. Thats where true faith lies, and I realized that my faith is not as strong as I thought it was and as strong as it needs to be. I have come to know that it is something that I need to work so much harder at, so that my trials don't overcome me, but I overcome them.
I really hope that you are doing okay, and that you are finding strength and peace. I really hope and pray that you have a support system close to you and that people are kind and sensitive to your feelings. Know that I love you so much, and I do know how you are feeling. I am here for you, if you ever need to talk or even just cry.
Love you sweetie, Keira
Oh Candice! I'm not even going to try to pretend that I know what you must be going through. Because I haven't the slightest clue. I do know that my own heart is broken for you and that it all makes me feel so sick and sad for you. I'm so sorry. I also know nothing I say can really help or make it better, but I did want you to know that I care. I just feel horrible about the whole thing. And I can't believe how kind you were in what you wrote about the birth mother. I'm so impressed with how level headed and wonderful you are. Make sure you take the time to morn. You need that time. You have definitely suffered a severe loss and it's okay if you need time to heal. Insist on taking the time to nourish yourself and to recover. You need that. If there is ever anything I can do please let me know. You're in my thought and prayers. Hang in there. You're amazing.
ReplyDeleteYou guys are all so sweet and I appreciate your comments. I do have a great support system and I'm grateful for all my friends and family. This has been really hard. But we knew this whole time that she might not place, so we were prepared for it. But like I said, it's still hard. Whenever I held him, he would just stare at me the whole time. The birth mother said he would never do that for her. She would try to get a look at his eyes and he'd close them. Whether that means anything or not, it meant something to me. At moments I feel empty inside, sometimes devastated, other moments I feel ok because we were prepared for this, and other times I stop myself from hurting by distracting myself, but then I've noticed when I do that I don't FEEL anything. It's going to take some time, but I know I'll get through this. I'm not angry over the situation, at least not right now, I'm sad over it. I've been angry plenty of times through this whole infertility trip, and I've been angry at Heavenly Father. But I'm not angry at Him over this because He prepared this opportunity for us. But He won't take away our agency. He can guide us to do the best thing, but it's ours to choose what we do. And the birthmother couldn't go through with it, and that's her right to decide. I know she was torturing herself over the decision. So now we work through this and hope another opportunity presents itself soon. We're back to square one, just a little more battered. But not defeated.
ReplyDelete-Candice