update..

I figured I better post soon just to let you all know I am still alive, and struggling to hold on.
 I have many more hard, depressing, and hopeless days rather than good ones. I do however have some good days with sunshine, and I take the bad with the good. I have a lot of anger built up inside. I am not sure how to cope with the anger, and very unsure if it will ever go away. Time...thats what it all comes down to. I need to give myself time, and its the last thing I want. I want to be done hurting. I want to be over this and be able to easily move on. The only answer (to me) on how to move on and feel happy again is if I can get pregnant again soon. Who knows if that will happen, so my life seems quite hopeless in my eyes.
  Church has been quite a struggle for me since it happened. I hate to go. I burst into really ugly uncontrollable sobs during relief society two weeks ago, and humiliated myself in front of everyone. I am tired of seeing everyone thats pregnant or has young babies and feeling the hurt and stab of pain that inevitably comes when I see others with their bundles of joy and knowing mine was ultimately taken from me. It seems that I hurt way more when I go to church than if I were to stay home. It makes the choice to go rather difficult. I am going. I know I need to, but its miserable; to say the least. I am hoping to get together and talk with my relief society president in the next day or two. I have found it really helps to talk about it, but with talking I will cry without fail and that makes some people really uncomfortable. So, it makes it hard to find someone who cares and is patient with me to talk to and give me comfort. I have found myself on countless times talking to myself about it, because I feel like there is noone that understands or cares to want to hear me vent or cry about it. I have talked to Mike about it often, but even that is getting really hard. He is hurting and I know it hurts for him to talk about it. It brings out the pain and opens the wound once again. So, what am I to do? I have resorted to talking to myself and crying out in frustration and anger at Heavenly Father. I have started running to get a lot of anger out atleast somewhat and its helped, but on work days I am so exhausted that to get my butt on the treadmill is quite a joke. Anyone close want to go walking or running with me? I need it. Physically and emotionally. I have gained about 15 pounds. Yeah pretty frightening. It just seems that the only comfort is unfortunately less than healthy comfort food. ugh!! I am so done with everything!! I seriously need a break from my life........
~Keira