Hi! It has been a long time since Candice or I have posted anything. Hopefully that means good news and happy spirits on her part, but as for me...well, I just don't have access to a computer since I am not working at the time. I have had quite a bit of time for soul searching, and really earnest prayer. Today I have had a breakthrough with my feelings and how and why I cycle through them. I have come to learn of three emotions and stages that I go through. The first one I had been stuck in for a very long time when we first learned that we were infertile, is anger and depression. I get to the point that I long and ache for my family so deeply, and the fact that I am being required to wait depresses and angers me. It starts small and it just builds and builds. If I let it go long enough I am so enveloped in these emotions that I am angry at myself, God, and everyone around me. Basically, life is miserable and that is a HUGE understatement. The second stage is to just push everything aside and not think about it at all. I get to the point that I get so swallowed up in my grief that I cannot emotionally, physically, or spiritually handle it. So, instead of moving past it and trying to overcome it I just push it all out of my mind. It helps me to enjoy my life as it is right now and be happy rather than focusing on what I don't have and the pain that comes with it. The last stage that I am trying to focus on is the blessings and purpose of my infertility. With that is finding out what my Heavenly Father would have me do during this time of my life. I am not overburdened with kids or super busy all the time, and so I am focusing on having the faith and trusting in my Heavenly Father and His plan for me. I cannot change my infertility, but I can grow and progress in other aspects of my life. I have come to realize that I am being refined to the person that Heavenly Father wants me to be. If I had been blessed with children right away, like I wanted, I would not have learned the lessons of faith and trusting in my Heavenly Father like I needed. He is working on me and has been for the last 6 years to make me better and stronger. So my question, why am I fighting it? Why am I hating it? He knows what is best for me and has shown that to me over and over again. So, why do I struggle and fight?
I read an article in the Ensign about infertility and there was something in there that really hit me hard, as I have had similar thoughts throughout my struggles. "For awhile I thought that if I had enough faith, I would be cured. But sometimes having faith means trusting in and listening to the Lord even when we are not cured. What we want won't always match what He has planned for us. The writer then recalls a talk by a memeber of her bishopric concerning faith: "When someone has an ailment or an illness and they are healed as a result of a blessing, their faith is being strengthened. But for those who aren't healed but continue faithful, their faith is being perfected. The first is a faith-promoting experience. The second is faith-perfecting."
I know that my struggle with infertility has been and continues to be like my refiners fire. I don't know how long I will be asked to endure this, but I am striving to have the faith and trust that I need to be able to get through it. I have learned a lot in the near 6 years that we have been trying, and I look back on old journal entries, and it is amazing how much I have grown and changed. I have really been striving to find joy in my journey, and it has made me a completely different person. I know that I will still continue to have hard days where I feel like I can't continue on with this. But I know it is just one of the stages of my infertility cycle. I hope that as I focus on faith and hope that my anger and depression stage will come around much less often , and when it does it won't stay long.
~keira
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It's always good look at your journey through the right lens. Mom will probably be the first to tell you how much my relationship with Riley has changed me :) But I love who I have become through this experience. And even though it's probably super cheesy I love hearing about this side of you because it makes me feel closer to you because I've had such similar feelings about my own life.
ReplyDeleteYour post actually is perfect for me today because last night was a night when I just got so angry I could hardly breathe. I pay my tithing, say my prayers morning and night, read my scripturs. . . so why aren't my prayers for marriage being answered? Being reminded that my faith is being perfected is just what I needed.
Thank you so much for being such a great example to me.
Leah,
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comments. I know that although you don't struggle with the exact same things as me, it is similar the struggles you have had and how long you have had to wait for what you want most. I guess part of it is we are being tested with how bad we want it and how long we are willing to wait patiently and faithfully. It is much easier said than done, but as long as we are striving to do our best and continually throughout each day pleading for strength and patience from a loving Heavenly Father, we will be blessed to be able to hang on and have a portion of peace that we so desperately need. I am so happy that you are happy and that you love the person you have become and maybe still becoming. Its a great feeling to look back on your life and see the hand of the Lord in our own lives and see how much He has changed us into who we need to become. He is in charge, and He always knows what is best for us.
Leah, you are a strong woman. You have had to go through a lot, and continue to stay strong. Keep on going. I love you and support you.
Love, Keira
Keira,
ReplyDeleteI don't usually post because I don't feel that I really know what to say, but I can empathize with what you've talked about. Going through the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with, I, too have gone through a similar cycle and still have ups and downs. But, shortly after everything happened, actually the day after, I walked into a doctors office and saw a brand new baby, and I completely lost it, I wanted to run and I would have had Stephen not been there to stop me. Everywhere I went that day, there were happy, healthy babies and pregnant women, and I had a glimpse of what you talk about and what it means to see others who have something that you've dreamed of for yourself. It was so hard, and still is at times, but I have had to work through things and realize what my faith means to me and how strong it really is. Do I really believe all that I've been taught and felt, my testimony? Do I have enough faith to get through and not only that but, become stronger through this? It has taken a long time (it's felt sooo long) to work through things and realize how much my Father loves me, how so important my Savior's life and love is, and how much I really want what They have promised. Now going through this trial I realize I want those promises more than ever and had to take a deep look inside to see if I am doing what it takes to get there. I am very grateful for trials. I wish we could learn the same without going through them, but I fully believe it is how we grow and are stretched, if we allow, to become the person our Father wants us to become. And that because of these trials we can look even more anxiously to that day when His promises will be fulfilled. I hope you know that we are always praying for you and can see how much you've grown and the example you've set working through your very difficult trials. We love you!
Love,
Nyree