My Silver Lining

The last few days have been really hard on me. Sunday afternoon I found out my younger sister is pregnant. It crushed me. How could this happen? I was supposed to have a child first. Why am I being denied this? These thoughts and many more have been going through my mind constantly since then. They had come over after I was out of church and we sat at my table talking for a while, and then they dropped the bomb. I immediately started crying, and told them not to look at me. So as they had their heads turned, I was crying, Tamra was crying, and Tyler was talking of inconsequential things. I'm glad he did that, it eventually helped distract me and get my tears in check. I really do hate crying in front of people. I avoid it as much as possible.

I wanted to broach the subject of IVF with Shalum again, but knew he wouldn't go for it because of the expense of it. So I wasn't bringing it up, even though I desperately wanted to. Monday afternoon, Shalum said that we'll start saving up and do IVF (he doesn't want to use the money we have saved right now. He wants it for adoption and to be able to fall back on it if need be). I was shocked that he was on board with this again. Hearing of their pregnancy hit him hard as well. So we are going to go forward with IVF sometime this year. I'm so excited for this! We also know of a clinic that has a 100% money back guarantee if it fails.

This is my silver lining on my clouds of despair. If Tamra hadn't gotten pregnant, I don't think Shalum would be considering IVF. And I hope desperately that it works the first time. I'm tired of feeling crushed.

Also on a side note: In a week and a half we are traveling down to Las Vegas for a few days to meet with our new adoption agent.

~Candice