I have been having a very difficult week. I found out last week that one of my sisters-in-law is pregnant...again...with her 16th child. And I cannot feel any happiness for her. I am so devastated. I cried my eyes out when I found out. And then I feel like a horrible person for not feeling happy for her. I just...I just...When will it be my turn? Why can't I just have one? Just one and I will be happy with that.
Shalum wasn't home when I found out. So when he did come home some hours later, I was so depressed, but he was in such a good mood. So I didn't tell him because I didn't want to ruin his day, plus we were having dinner with them later that evening, which was just hard. So I told him later that night, and you know what he said? "We're going to get our family soon. Don't worry, it's going to happen." I love him so much, just him saying that helped give me some hope again. But since that day I have been bombarded on all sides, it seems, by pregnant women and babies. It seems this always happens, maybe it's just because I'm more aware of it at those times when i'm really struggling.
Our foster training class is in a week and a half, so hopefully something will come of this. Because I am so tired of waiting. I am just so tired and discouraged.
~Candice
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16th? That's not a typo? Wow.
ReplyDeleteHusbands are the best. I don't know how but we never get depressed at the same time so one of us can always help the other out of a slump or just be there when that person is ready to come out of a slump, because I would never take away anyone's right to be in a well-deserved slump.
Nope. No typo. And I agree, husbands are the best!
ReplyDelete~Candice
Oh sweetie! I am so heartbroken for you. I cannot quite put into words how I feel right now. When I read this post I got goosebumps all over my body and tears welled up in my eyes. I don't know what to say, but I am sorry. So sorry. Why is she given 16 kids, and you have to wait. Why? Life is so unfair, and this is one of those times that it is way more evident. I do have to say that you should NOT feel like a bad person that you cannot feel happy for her. It is perfectly fine to feel sad, and have a hard time. You deserve to take a few days to yourself and do a few things you love for pick me ups. You have a phenomenal husband though. I just have to say that his response was incredible. His faith is amazing, and he is there for you, to help lift you up and carry you through. I am as well here for you. I love you, and when I hear you are struggling, it hits me and affects me as if it is me that is struggling. I cry for you, and I know there is nothing I can say to take the pain away, but I love you. There are many around you that love you very much.
ReplyDeleteOh, Oh Oh! I just had a thought as I was closing up. I don't know if it is inspired, or just a random thought, but I was thinking about you guys fostering to adopt. And how when you first made that decision you felt so good about it and knew withouth a doubt that this is what you are supposed to do , right? Well, because it is what you are supposed to do, I think that you are being tested right now as you have pregnant women all around you. How badly do you want it? How willing are you to push through? Or are you just going to give up, and end up not doing it? I fully believe that when you are on the right path, and doing what Heavenly Father wants you to do, that the trials are poured on. And the trials that just about paralyze you is this. And if you get discouraged and give up the small glimmer of hope that you had when you started, then Satan wins. Don't give up! Hold on to the faith and hope of your husband until you can build upon your own. I hope some of this helps. Know I love you dearly.
Love-Keira
Thanks Keira Lee. You might very well be right about being tested right now. Thanks for sharing your thought. Love you much!
ReplyDeleteHey how are you doing? How did the surgery go?
Candice
I am sorry Candice... I love you and you know that I more than anyone have prayed for you daily and put your name in the temple on a monthly basis for years. I am sorry that you can feel no joy for me, that is the saddest part because I have felt your pain, and have been willing to help you and love you regardless... I recently wrote a blog about my feelings of being hurt by people who think their trials are harder or worse than mine...
ReplyDeletehttp://mamahen15.blogspot.com/2011/01/dont-hate-me-because-our-trials-are.html because quite honestly having people tell me that the SEVEN miscarriages I have gone through in the last 2 years shouldn't be painful because I have children. I have always tried to carry your burden... maybe not well but I have ALWAYS been your cheerleader... you will continue to be in my prayers... I love you
In my post, I wasn't saying I thought my trials were harder than yours, just that I couldn't feel anything but devastation. Because it hit me really hard. I know you've always been there for me, and I appreciate that. I love you too, and despite how hard I might take certain circumstances, that will never change.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are having a bad day. I can't say for sure that I know EXACTLY how you feel. Even though I am going through the same trials of infertility and having to start our family through adoption, I can never say that I know how YOU feel, but I can sympathize. Even though someone might be going through the same thing, everyones paths are different in the same trial. I don't think anyone can feel the same pain in the same way. Pain is different from person to person, situation to situation. No one really knows unless they are you. I think those who have their own children sometimes feel the pain of miscarriages, or trouble getting pregnant, but they have children and will never know the pain that comes from not being able to carry your own children ever.
ReplyDelete