Just wants to be understood

Yesterday and today I've been a bit angry and annoyed. Don't you hate how often and how quickly your emotions can rollercoaster? I sure do. Over the years I have had people (not a whole lot, but enough to bother me) tell me that at least I haven't gone through a miscarriage. As if what I'm going through isn't so difficult. Well you know what? It is difficult. It's very difficult for me. Keira and I were talking about this yesterday, and we both feel the same way. If we were to get pregnant and miscarry, well at least we'd know we CAN conceive, and that there is hope there. Sure we would be devastated, but we would have more hope than we have now. Talking with her about it reminded me of a book I bought about overcoming infertility. The author had dealt with infertility herself, and after years of taking herbs, cleansing her body, acupuncture, you name it she did it, she finally conceived. Nine weeks into the pregnancy, she miscarried. Naturally she was devastated. But she said through her despair she found a piece of hope in that now she knew she COULD get pregnant. Now she worked on getting pregnant and carrying full term. There were a couple things she said that stood out to me. First thing:
'After more than a year of frustration our relationship began to feel the strain. I was moody and short-tempered, often on the verge of tears. I couldn't bear to watch other women's pregnant bellies grow while mine remained an empty tomb. My every thought revolved around what I was doing (or had done) wrong. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I do what every other woman could accomplish so easily?'
That was the first thing that really hit me. Because I have had those very thoughts and feelings, many times. I hate it when people who have never struggled with infertility tell me I shouldn't be bitter towards those who don't struggle with that (which I admit, at times I have been bitter towards them). I also hate when people tell me that I'm lucky we didn't have children right away. Yeah well I really doubt those people would like to try for 7 years unsuccessfully. And I hate it when they make it out as if what I'm going through isn't as difficult as I'm making it out to be. Now the next thing she wrote that hit me, hit me much harder.
'It can be hard for some couples to grieve for something that they've never had. The people around them may not understand the depth of their grief when there has never been a child to be lost. Yet, isn't that the cause of their grief in the first place? The child they yearned for and hoped for is just as real to them as the child another couple held in their arms. Losing the hope of someday seeing their child firsthand can be just as devastating as experiencing a miscarriage or stillbirth. And that's important to understand.'
That hit me so hard, because that's exactly how I have felt. A year and a half ago, I could have had a child starting kindergarten, and I cried and I struggled, and it hurt to see little school kids. I felt like I was missing this milestone, that this had been taken from me. And it was very real to me, even though I had never even been pregnant.
As much as I hate hearing when someone is pregnant, it does break my heart when I hear that they've miscarried. And I'm not saying that I feel as if my infertility is more difficult than a miscarriage. I'm just saying that it can be JUST AS difficult.
-Candice