infertility suffering...not enough! Bring on more pain and hurt, because I am not carrying enough!

Wow. It is amazing to me how incredible I can feel one day and how horrible the next. I have been struggling and really suffering and hurting the past couple of days. We have found out that we will not be getting the baby that we were hoping for in June. I have really had a hard time with this. We really felt like it was going to work out and we were preparing, and day dreaming about it almost constantly. I am embarrased to say that we had actually gone out and bought some baby things, because we really had thought that this was it. We had prayed, fasted too many times to count and gone to the temple numerous times. We both felt like we had gotten a yes answer from Heavenly Father, and then come to find out, it all falls through, and the grandparents are gonna be raising him. Why would this happen? Why would we feel so good about it and feel like it was the right thing to do and that everything would work out, and then not? Really? Were we not suffering enough as it was,  trying and failing for the past six years, that we need this rubbed in our already sore wounds? When we first found out that we would not be getting him, I tried so hard to be strong, and I did not want to feel the hurt and the pain that I knew would come shortly. I called my mom, and let her know, and I cried a little, but really was feeling pretty ok, as I was trying to bury my feelings deep down. The next day and on have been EXTREMELY hard. I feel like I have cried nonstop. When I am not crying I am stuffing my face with crap food, or I am spending money that I really should not be spending, or I am sleeping. That is basically what my days have consisted of. So, if I am not feeling sadness from the loss, I am feeling guilty about spending money or eating crap, which then leads me to feel horrible about myself! I have seriously gained about 8 pounds, my clothes are tighter, and I look in the mirror with a look of disgust and tell myself how fat and ugly I am.  It is a horrible downward spiral that I am on, and I am not sure how to get myself out of this. I have never felt so much hurt and pain in my life. Having infertility as a trial is very hard and painful, but for the past 6 years I have handled it pretty well. I however do not do well in getting my hopes up, and then crashing to the ground. This whole thing has been so hard. So, so, so hard! Mike and I have both been trying to cling to the knowledge that we won't be tested more than we can handle. So, Heavenly Father knows I can handle this and come out on top, but I sure don't. I want nothing more than to sink into a dark hole, and just forget everything.  My pain and hurt has been bad enough, but to watch Mike and see the hurt in his eyes, just about kills me. It rips my heart out. Why have we been asked to carry this load? Why? It seems too hard and impossible, and yet we are supposed to carry on and enjoy the journey? Really?  Can't really find any joy in my journey at this point. ALOT of pain and dissapointments, but not  really feeling worth it. How sad.
     One of the biggest problems with this whole experience is the lack of comfort and support that Mike and I have gotten. Family and friends don't know how to react. They feel bad when our moms have told them, but they don't know what to say to us or to do. Really, all we need right now is love and support. We need to know that we have friends and family out there who love us, are sorry we have to go through this, and let us know that. Don't just sit there and not say anything. We feel alone as it is. We need you. We need to know that you care. This experience, instead of bringing family closer together, it has driven us away. Yes, we have talked things through and worked things out, but the hurt remains, and will take time to work through. It bothers me ALOT when people find out that the adoption fell through, and their first response is "so, you gonne keep trying" Really? Is that all you can say? Is your head filled with sand?  People, we have been trying, and failing and trying to get pregnant for the last 6 years. We have struggled with this. Everyone who knows us at all knows how hard this has been on us. It has tested us far more than you can imagine. It has caused me to be a very bitter and angry person, something that I am trying so hard to overcome. It has driven me to my knees so many times when I can't take it anymore and I cry to Heavenly Father for what seems like hours. It has caused me to distance myself from friends and family members, which in turns makes me feel alone and isolated. My heart has been hurting, and aching, and been broken, because of the fact that we may never be able to have kids. And yet, all you can say when you find out that our hope of adoption fell through is " you gonna keep trying?"  Seriously, you people need a wake up call! Learn some sensitivity! Read in the scriptures where it says mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. Give us time to grieve and hurt and cry before you expect us to pick up the broken pieces and move on. It may be as little as a week before we set up with an adoption agency, but it may be as long as 10 years. We don't know. Right now, it is hard to tell because my heart hurts so bad, but 10 years seems more like the plan. We shall see how long it takes to heal this seemingly unhealable heart. Please be patient. Pray and fast for us if you want things to move along sooner, because pressuring me to do it will just drive me away. I have to take care of myself, and right now the best I know how is to forget the whole adoption or fertility treatments at all, and try to bury myself in the things I love to do.
~Keira