Who the heck shot my stork?!

It has been a long hard week. Its that vicious cycle that I have been going through for the past several years. It is really no surprise that I have been having a downer since this saturday is our 6 year anniversary. 6 years of ups and downs of my infertility journey. 6 years of waiting, hoping, and more waiting. 6 years. 6YEARS!! I really can't believe that it has been that long, but at the same time it feels like this trial has gone on forever. Basically, because it has, and it still continues on with no end in sight. I have found that when I start looking for the positive things that have come through this trial, I start to feel peace. I feel so much more love and happiness in my life and the world around me. My spirit is lifted and my eyes are open to the love that my Heavenly Father and Savior have for me. It brings me closer to them, and the tender mercies I have been given throughout.
      With that, I have come to learn that Satan comes and gets me feeling discouraged, and down which then takes me away from the love and closeness I had been feeling. Well, thats what describes my last couple of weeks. Last Sunday I really had a breakdown. I was frustrated about my trial with infertility as well as my constant battle and trial with my shoulder. I felt completely alone and worst of all I felt forgotten. I felt like Heavenly Father had forgotten about me, and had left me to deal with my trials alone. What a horrible thought! I have battled shaking this thought since then. I kept thinking that with everything else going on in the world and with every other persons trials, that I, with my struggles and sufferings have been put on the back burner in a sense.  I have really had a hard time. Even though I know for a fact that I am learning and growing so much through this, I hate it. I absolutely hate being in  it. And, not so much the infertility (although that is bad enough), but the not knowing. Honestly, if I knew that I would never have my own kids in this life, it would be much easier. I could grieve, move on, and do other things in my life. Look to adoption, or surrogacy or whatever. But, I feel like I never know if, or when it will happen. So, the hope is there, and the let down year after year and anniversary after anniversary. How do I get out of this rut? How do I really feel the peace and comfort of my own situation?
These are some of the questions I have been thinking about and pondering. I just need to keep plugging along.     
        I have also really had a hard time when people surrounding us don't seem to understand or be supportive of us.  Something that I really struggle with is that with some people who know of our struggle are not understanding to our needs. Their attitude is taken in a way that I have no right to feel sad or grieve or struggle with my infertility if I am not actively doing something about it. I need to be doing treatments, or working towards adoption, or else I can't be sad. HELLO??? Really? Maybe its not the right time to do treatments or adoption. But, I am still gonna be sad that I have to go through this, and that it is not happening natural for me as it does for most women. I need to be quite frank when I say that the decision of treatments or adoption is between us and the Lord.  Sorry everyone, for letting you down. Nope, you are not included in helping us decide what is best for us and when it is best for us. This does not meant that I don't want to talk to you about it. I would love to talk to anyone about our plans and our decisions, but I want you to understand that they are our decisions, and I will have you respect that decision, whether you think it is right for us, or not. Give us your advice or words of wisdom, but then please respect our decision and don't make us feel like we are incompetent and are not capable of making the right choice for us.
     We feel that it is right to wait, at this time. That does not mean that because we have felt that this is the right thing for us, that it won't be hard. Believe me, IT IS HARD.  So we are preparing for adoption or extensive treatments EVENTUALLY, when that time comes.  But, with preparing, comes saving and looking towards the future. The prophets have said time and time again that we need to be saving and living below our means. So, for us that does not include fertility treatments at this time. So, for now we wait, and plan, and save. Saving to us means buying what you need and really nothing else. We make some exceptions, but for the most part, we go without or do without the trips, vacations, and unnecessary expenses, in order to be able to save the money for our future treatments/and or adoption. This does not mean that we are not working towards our future with children. WE ARE!  We actively are, as we work and scrimp, and save to be more ready and prepared for when the time comes naturally to have a baby or when the time comes to do extensive treatments or adoption. We will be more prepared, and really isn't that the purpose of this life....to prepare?
-Keira