Its been awhile since I last wrote, and I have no good excuse for that. My lack of writing is due to the fact that nothing has changed, and I have really been struggling. I foolishly thought that since I got pregnant last August miscarried in October and had the D&C in November, pregnancy was going to come easily and naturally again. So, in December when I had a regular period, we tried the very unromantic and tedious job of timing sex around my ovulation. I hate that!! I really do, but we did it. Well, January came and the time I was to start came and went and so I naturally thought that for sure, I must be pregnant. I was trying to notice any signs or symptoms. It went on for about a week, and then the oh so unfriendly reminder came to reassure me that indeed I am not pregnant. I was bummed, really bummed, but as I have come very accustomed to I move on. Try again for next month.
Well, we tried timing the ovulation again. February came and went with no period. I was for sure I was pregnant. I seemed to have so many symptoms, even morning sickness seemed to hit for three days straight of random throwing up. It was miserable, but oh so worth it, since I was very sure I must be pregnant. I took about 3 pregnancy tests during the month of february, and let down everytime a negative one showed. But, I had not started yet, so maybe it was just too soon to tell. It must be too soon, because I am pregnant, I kept telling myself.
Well, reality hit on March 2. I was devastated!! I just lost it. No hope left. It doesn't help that we celebrate our 7 year anniversary next month. 7 years, and we are still left hoping for children. Really? How long is this going to go on? Can't I just know if we will have children in this life? If not, I could move on and quit hoping and being let down month after month. That is what kills me, the let down.
Before I got pregnant, I really seemed to come to terms with it, and was trying to be happy with my life as it was, and move on. I felt like it was going to be ok. Then, unexpectedly I get pregnant, and my life is flipped upside down. I lose my baby, and I feel like I am now back at square one where all I think about is children of my own, thats all I want, that is always on my mind, and I am am just left with an empty feeling continually.
To me, it seemed that Heavenly Father didn't like that I was ok before and tried to push kids out of my mind and just enjoy my life, which is why I got pregnant, which then forced it to the front of my mind. Then I miscarry, and it still is on the front of my mind which makes me very discouraged and unhappy.
I have been feeling empty, unhappy, and frustrated. I am out of hope, and what else is there when there is no hope?
Monday, March 5, 2012
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Trials and the atonement
I am feeling better! Actually I have been feeling better for quite some time, but been down with a cold, and so still been keeping low and trying to rest to get rid of this cold that is going on 3 weeks! Down no more, I am moving on cold or no cold, and getting out and getting things done! :)
So, I have been in retrospect the past month about trials, (particularly mine) the purpose of them, and how to overcome them. I was at work and was thinking and talking to myself about the many things I have learned throughout my infertility journey. I have gone through a lot. I have felt deep sorrow, but I am still here, I am still married, and I still have my testimony! What an amazing comfort, and blessing!!!
I have completely been immersed in books the past couple months. I am constantly reading. My sister bought me the book "Lost Children"-coping with miscarriage for Latter Day Saints. I read it in a couple hours, and man! what a comfort that was. Just to have someone else who knows what I have gone through first hand, and explains the grieving process. It was comforting to hear that what I was feeling and going through was normal and healthy as I have been working through the stages of grief. I highly reccomend it to anyone dealing with miscarriage. I have also read book entitled "Infertility"-Hope, healing, and comfort. Also, very good. In both of these books there was a section included for those that don't suffer with infertility themselves, but for families or friends that do and they want to give help and comfort. Stay tuned: I will post some of those comments later, as most people likely won't read the books unless they are the ones suffering with it first hand.
Another book I am reading was only by inspiration. Let me explain: At work on this particular day I had a lot of time to just let my mind wander and think. Unfortunately my particular frustration this day was that we were being pressured to MOVE ON! Quit feeling sad, and get out and get over it. I was not ready. I knew it, and Heavenly Father knew that I was not ready for it. I heal, I do. But it takes time. So, because our friends were making me feel like I was behind, and wasn't healing, and I should be feeling better and "over it" by now I was completely overwhelmed and frustrated. I started praying at work. And then I started listening and thinking and letting my mind wander. I started thinking about the atonement of Christ. He suffered for our sins, but also for pain, sorrow, heart break, etc. So, I know as we are taught the process of repentance and gaining forgiveness of sins, which covers the sins Christ took upon Himself, but what about the rest? How do we gain the peace, healing, and comfort promised through the atonement? Is it just given? Well, I have been doing a lot of research. I have been praying and going to the temple. I have been searching to find out more about the atonement. It lead me to the book entitled The Broken Heart-applying the atonement to life's experiences. I have learned that in order to gain the comfort, healing, and peace you need to be doing what we do anyway. We need to be praying, fasting, going to the temple, reading our scriptures. I have been doing all those things. Showing our Father we have faith, and we continue to move on, and He will grant us the healing in His time. It is not instantaneous, just like forgiveness of our sins is a process which takes time, so does the peace and healing. We show our Heavenly Father by our actions and how dilligent we are in seeking Him, and then we have faith that the healing will come, and it does! It has come. I have truly felt so much better! There is still more healing that is needed each day as I need different things, but I know that Christ is there, and His atonement does cover all.
I Love this gospel, and the peace, and hope we have!!
Thank you for those that have prayed so hard for us. We have felt the strength and peace, and I have no doubt that your prayers, love and support have brought it to us!
I love you all!
~Keira
So, I have been in retrospect the past month about trials, (particularly mine) the purpose of them, and how to overcome them. I was at work and was thinking and talking to myself about the many things I have learned throughout my infertility journey. I have gone through a lot. I have felt deep sorrow, but I am still here, I am still married, and I still have my testimony! What an amazing comfort, and blessing!!!
I have completely been immersed in books the past couple months. I am constantly reading. My sister bought me the book "Lost Children"-coping with miscarriage for Latter Day Saints. I read it in a couple hours, and man! what a comfort that was. Just to have someone else who knows what I have gone through first hand, and explains the grieving process. It was comforting to hear that what I was feeling and going through was normal and healthy as I have been working through the stages of grief. I highly reccomend it to anyone dealing with miscarriage. I have also read book entitled "Infertility"-Hope, healing, and comfort. Also, very good. In both of these books there was a section included for those that don't suffer with infertility themselves, but for families or friends that do and they want to give help and comfort. Stay tuned: I will post some of those comments later, as most people likely won't read the books unless they are the ones suffering with it first hand.
Another book I am reading was only by inspiration. Let me explain: At work on this particular day I had a lot of time to just let my mind wander and think. Unfortunately my particular frustration this day was that we were being pressured to MOVE ON! Quit feeling sad, and get out and get over it. I was not ready. I knew it, and Heavenly Father knew that I was not ready for it. I heal, I do. But it takes time. So, because our friends were making me feel like I was behind, and wasn't healing, and I should be feeling better and "over it" by now I was completely overwhelmed and frustrated. I started praying at work. And then I started listening and thinking and letting my mind wander. I started thinking about the atonement of Christ. He suffered for our sins, but also for pain, sorrow, heart break, etc. So, I know as we are taught the process of repentance and gaining forgiveness of sins, which covers the sins Christ took upon Himself, but what about the rest? How do we gain the peace, healing, and comfort promised through the atonement? Is it just given? Well, I have been doing a lot of research. I have been praying and going to the temple. I have been searching to find out more about the atonement. It lead me to the book entitled The Broken Heart-applying the atonement to life's experiences. I have learned that in order to gain the comfort, healing, and peace you need to be doing what we do anyway. We need to be praying, fasting, going to the temple, reading our scriptures. I have been doing all those things. Showing our Father we have faith, and we continue to move on, and He will grant us the healing in His time. It is not instantaneous, just like forgiveness of our sins is a process which takes time, so does the peace and healing. We show our Heavenly Father by our actions and how dilligent we are in seeking Him, and then we have faith that the healing will come, and it does! It has come. I have truly felt so much better! There is still more healing that is needed each day as I need different things, but I know that Christ is there, and His atonement does cover all.
I Love this gospel, and the peace, and hope we have!!
Thank you for those that have prayed so hard for us. We have felt the strength and peace, and I have no doubt that your prayers, love and support have brought it to us!
I love you all!
~Keira
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Our Adoption Journey
I know it's been a long time since I've posted and updated. As you know Shalum and I were chosen to adopt back in October. The baby boy was due Dec 20th, but decided that wasn't soon enough and graced the world on Nov 24th, Thanksgiving night. I happened to be down near Las Vegas (where he was born). Shalum was still up in Elko, but I was down in Mesquite at my mother's condo. I had gone down to spend some time with the birth mother. She was actually scheduled to have a c-section on the 30th, so I went to spend some time with her before he was born. I had gone down on the 23rd and was going to head over to Vegas the 25th. The 24th at around 7:30 I got a call from the birth mother's mother telling me she was going into labor and they were at the hospital and getting ready to do a c-section. He was born at 9:49pm. He was 5lbs 10oz and 18.5 inches long. Shalum came down the 25th. We signed the adoption papers on Dec. 3rd. That was a pretty bittersweet moment for me. I was so excited for Shalum and I, but it was so hard watching the birth parents sign the papers. They said they were fine and still had no doubts. But it was difficult for me to watch.
I am so excited to have a child to call my own, to be a mother. His name is Jared Axel Decklan. Jared is Shalum's middle name, I just really love the name Axel (Shalum hates it, but after a few years of telling Shalum I wanted to name a child that, he finally gave in when we actually had the chance. He so sweet to me.) And Decklan is a name the birth parents had chosen.
Jared was born with pulmonary valve atresia, which means a valve in his heart was completely closed. The day after he was born they ran a catheter through his thigh up to his heart and popped it open with a balloon. The doctors anticipated having to do open heart surgery as well, but it was never necessary! He has been doing so well! Everytime the cardiologists came by while he was in the NICU they were constantly saying how amazed they were at how well he's doing and that he's their little champion. When he was born they put him on medication to keep his PDA's open so the blood could flow to his lungs. Three days after the catheter procedure they took him off the medication. They told us that's amazing because they normally keep them on those meds for about another two weeks. That's how well his heart was doing!
He was discharged from the NICU on Dec. 17th. We were so excited that he was able to come home before Christmas. I had stayed in Vegas the whole time, while Shalum traveled back and forth due to work. And it's a long trip. Fortunately I was able to stay at the Ronald McDonald House. That place is amazing and am so grateful I could stay there.
This little man has turned our worlds upside down, in the greatest way possible. He is our world and can't even begin to say how grateful we are for him and how grateful we are to his birth parents. We have such a respect and love for them. We wouldn't be parents if it weren't for them and the love they have for Jared.
I am so excited to have a child to call my own, to be a mother. His name is Jared Axel Decklan. Jared is Shalum's middle name, I just really love the name Axel (Shalum hates it, but after a few years of telling Shalum I wanted to name a child that, he finally gave in when we actually had the chance. He so sweet to me.) And Decklan is a name the birth parents had chosen.
Jared was born with pulmonary valve atresia, which means a valve in his heart was completely closed. The day after he was born they ran a catheter through his thigh up to his heart and popped it open with a balloon. The doctors anticipated having to do open heart surgery as well, but it was never necessary! He has been doing so well! Everytime the cardiologists came by while he was in the NICU they were constantly saying how amazed they were at how well he's doing and that he's their little champion. When he was born they put him on medication to keep his PDA's open so the blood could flow to his lungs. Three days after the catheter procedure they took him off the medication. They told us that's amazing because they normally keep them on those meds for about another two weeks. That's how well his heart was doing!
He was discharged from the NICU on Dec. 17th. We were so excited that he was able to come home before Christmas. I had stayed in Vegas the whole time, while Shalum traveled back and forth due to work. And it's a long trip. Fortunately I was able to stay at the Ronald McDonald House. That place is amazing and am so grateful I could stay there.
This little man has turned our worlds upside down, in the greatest way possible. He is our world and can't even begin to say how grateful we are for him and how grateful we are to his birth parents. We have such a respect and love for them. We wouldn't be parents if it weren't for them and the love they have for Jared.
Here is our beautiful little man
Jared Axel Decklan Stone
(Also called Jax)
Jared Axel Decklan Stone
(Also called Jax)
~Candice
Monday, December 19, 2011
To the hurt or offended:
So, I don't really know where this has come from, but I felt strongly that I needed to get on and apologize to anyone and everyone who has been offended or hurt by something I have done, or in more likely cases have not done.
Since my miscarriage, almost 2 months ago, I have wanted nothing to do with anyone. I do the bare minumum of EVERYTHING in my life right now. Unfortunately, this includes prayers and scripture study. Just going through the motions you might say.
We have heard about things happening and some goings on, and we have our best friends dying to hang out, and we do zip, nada, nothing! I don't want to. I am sorry, but I don't want to see you. The only people I see is Mike's or my immediate family, and even that has been minimal. I have wanted to just stay at home, not see anyone, not go anywhere, and not have to put a smile on my face. Pretty much I have just wanted to see and talk to people who actually understand how I feel. I don't mean anyone and everyone who has had a miscarriage, because it seems that pretty much everyone has, but those that truly know the deep sorrow I feel. Those are those who give the best comfort, counsel, and love.
So, to my sister Nyree and brother -in-law Stephen. Thank You! You will never know the difference you both have made in both Mike and I's life. Mike is constantly talking about you both and how much you care, and understand. He always wants to go and visit, because you guys help. Even when no words are spoken, we know you understand the sorrow, and that you care so much! You are there, always there and we both know it. Stephen, I just have to tell you how much you have helped Mike. The fact that you called him to talk to him, meant so much to him! He felt like he wasn't getting much comfort, and after you called, he kept saying how thankful he was that you guys talked. You understand and have helped him to cope and heal. You both are incredible!
So, to anyone who has been hurt by the fact that I don't want to do the normal activites, or I don't want to get together and play games, or I don't want to go out: I am sorry. I am deeply sorry, and I hope that you can understand and give me the space and time that I need. I am not ready to yet. I need time, and LOTS of it.
Life is starting to get better, and I am feeling a bit of the healing and peace that I need. Thanks for your continual prayers. I love you all, and hopefully will be ready to be back to normal in a short bit.
Loves, Keira
Since my miscarriage, almost 2 months ago, I have wanted nothing to do with anyone. I do the bare minumum of EVERYTHING in my life right now. Unfortunately, this includes prayers and scripture study. Just going through the motions you might say.
We have heard about things happening and some goings on, and we have our best friends dying to hang out, and we do zip, nada, nothing! I don't want to. I am sorry, but I don't want to see you. The only people I see is Mike's or my immediate family, and even that has been minimal. I have wanted to just stay at home, not see anyone, not go anywhere, and not have to put a smile on my face. Pretty much I have just wanted to see and talk to people who actually understand how I feel. I don't mean anyone and everyone who has had a miscarriage, because it seems that pretty much everyone has, but those that truly know the deep sorrow I feel. Those are those who give the best comfort, counsel, and love.
So, to my sister Nyree and brother -in-law Stephen. Thank You! You will never know the difference you both have made in both Mike and I's life. Mike is constantly talking about you both and how much you care, and understand. He always wants to go and visit, because you guys help. Even when no words are spoken, we know you understand the sorrow, and that you care so much! You are there, always there and we both know it. Stephen, I just have to tell you how much you have helped Mike. The fact that you called him to talk to him, meant so much to him! He felt like he wasn't getting much comfort, and after you called, he kept saying how thankful he was that you guys talked. You understand and have helped him to cope and heal. You both are incredible!
So, to anyone who has been hurt by the fact that I don't want to do the normal activites, or I don't want to get together and play games, or I don't want to go out: I am sorry. I am deeply sorry, and I hope that you can understand and give me the space and time that I need. I am not ready to yet. I need time, and LOTS of it.
Life is starting to get better, and I am feeling a bit of the healing and peace that I need. Thanks for your continual prayers. I love you all, and hopefully will be ready to be back to normal in a short bit.
Loves, Keira
Monday, November 28, 2011
update..
I figured I better post soon just to let you all know I am still alive, and struggling to hold on.
I have many more hard, depressing, and hopeless days rather than good ones. I do however have some good days with sunshine, and I take the bad with the good. I have a lot of anger built up inside. I am not sure how to cope with the anger, and very unsure if it will ever go away. Time...thats what it all comes down to. I need to give myself time, and its the last thing I want. I want to be done hurting. I want to be over this and be able to easily move on. The only answer (to me) on how to move on and feel happy again is if I can get pregnant again soon. Who knows if that will happen, so my life seems quite hopeless in my eyes.
Church has been quite a struggle for me since it happened. I hate to go. I burst into really ugly uncontrollable sobs during relief society two weeks ago, and humiliated myself in front of everyone. I am tired of seeing everyone thats pregnant or has young babies and feeling the hurt and stab of pain that inevitably comes when I see others with their bundles of joy and knowing mine was ultimately taken from me. It seems that I hurt way more when I go to church than if I were to stay home. It makes the choice to go rather difficult. I am going. I know I need to, but its miserable; to say the least. I am hoping to get together and talk with my relief society president in the next day or two. I have found it really helps to talk about it, but with talking I will cry without fail and that makes some people really uncomfortable. So, it makes it hard to find someone who cares and is patient with me to talk to and give me comfort. I have found myself on countless times talking to myself about it, because I feel like there is noone that understands or cares to want to hear me vent or cry about it. I have talked to Mike about it often, but even that is getting really hard. He is hurting and I know it hurts for him to talk about it. It brings out the pain and opens the wound once again. So, what am I to do? I have resorted to talking to myself and crying out in frustration and anger at Heavenly Father. I have started running to get a lot of anger out atleast somewhat and its helped, but on work days I am so exhausted that to get my butt on the treadmill is quite a joke. Anyone close want to go walking or running with me? I need it. Physically and emotionally. I have gained about 15 pounds. Yeah pretty frightening. It just seems that the only comfort is unfortunately less than healthy comfort food. ugh!! I am so done with everything!! I seriously need a break from my life........
~Keira
I have many more hard, depressing, and hopeless days rather than good ones. I do however have some good days with sunshine, and I take the bad with the good. I have a lot of anger built up inside. I am not sure how to cope with the anger, and very unsure if it will ever go away. Time...thats what it all comes down to. I need to give myself time, and its the last thing I want. I want to be done hurting. I want to be over this and be able to easily move on. The only answer (to me) on how to move on and feel happy again is if I can get pregnant again soon. Who knows if that will happen, so my life seems quite hopeless in my eyes.
Church has been quite a struggle for me since it happened. I hate to go. I burst into really ugly uncontrollable sobs during relief society two weeks ago, and humiliated myself in front of everyone. I am tired of seeing everyone thats pregnant or has young babies and feeling the hurt and stab of pain that inevitably comes when I see others with their bundles of joy and knowing mine was ultimately taken from me. It seems that I hurt way more when I go to church than if I were to stay home. It makes the choice to go rather difficult. I am going. I know I need to, but its miserable; to say the least. I am hoping to get together and talk with my relief society president in the next day or two. I have found it really helps to talk about it, but with talking I will cry without fail and that makes some people really uncomfortable. So, it makes it hard to find someone who cares and is patient with me to talk to and give me comfort. I have found myself on countless times talking to myself about it, because I feel like there is noone that understands or cares to want to hear me vent or cry about it. I have talked to Mike about it often, but even that is getting really hard. He is hurting and I know it hurts for him to talk about it. It brings out the pain and opens the wound once again. So, what am I to do? I have resorted to talking to myself and crying out in frustration and anger at Heavenly Father. I have started running to get a lot of anger out atleast somewhat and its helped, but on work days I am so exhausted that to get my butt on the treadmill is quite a joke. Anyone close want to go walking or running with me? I need it. Physically and emotionally. I have gained about 15 pounds. Yeah pretty frightening. It just seems that the only comfort is unfortunately less than healthy comfort food. ugh!! I am so done with everything!! I seriously need a break from my life........
~Keira
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Round 3
I have been so busy lately and haven't had much time to write a post. I started working temporarily, on Shalum's crew. So that plus all the training has kept me busy, plus all my usual things that always need to get done, which I'm slacking on because I'm down with a cold right now...joy. But I have some good news, which I feel guilty mentioning because of what Keira's going through right now, but we've been chosen to adopt again. Our caseworker called us two and a half weeks ago, and we met the birth parents two weeks ago. The due date is Dec 20th, and it's a boy. We're excited! The birth parents are great and they seemed to like us too, which is nice. :) Oh, also, an FSA chapter (Families Supporting Adoption) just started here in the Elko area. We'll be meeting every second Saturday of every month. We had our first meeting yesterday. So if anyone around here is interested in adopting, or has adopted, or has been adopted, or I guess anyone who supports adoption and would like to come to this, you are more than welcome. Just an FYI. :)
~Candice
~Candice
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Miscarriage anyone?? Sign me up!!!!
I found out yesterday that I miscarried. Its been physically painful as well as emotionally. I can't believe it. Yet another thing that I have to overcome when I have barely overcome the last. I feel like I am just getting back up when I get knocked down again. I am too exhausted, and sad to deal with this. I have surgery tomorrow to get everything scraped out. I have the rest of the week off to just be able to sit numb and unfeeling like.
* I have been thinking about what is the point to have people pray for you, fast for you, and give priesthood blessings if the outcome isn't gonna change?
-Keira
* I have been thinking about what is the point to have people pray for you, fast for you, and give priesthood blessings if the outcome isn't gonna change?
-Keira
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