update..

I figured I better post soon just to let you all know I am still alive, and struggling to hold on.
 I have many more hard, depressing, and hopeless days rather than good ones. I do however have some good days with sunshine, and I take the bad with the good. I have a lot of anger built up inside. I am not sure how to cope with the anger, and very unsure if it will ever go away. Time...thats what it all comes down to. I need to give myself time, and its the last thing I want. I want to be done hurting. I want to be over this and be able to easily move on. The only answer (to me) on how to move on and feel happy again is if I can get pregnant again soon. Who knows if that will happen, so my life seems quite hopeless in my eyes.
  Church has been quite a struggle for me since it happened. I hate to go. I burst into really ugly uncontrollable sobs during relief society two weeks ago, and humiliated myself in front of everyone. I am tired of seeing everyone thats pregnant or has young babies and feeling the hurt and stab of pain that inevitably comes when I see others with their bundles of joy and knowing mine was ultimately taken from me. It seems that I hurt way more when I go to church than if I were to stay home. It makes the choice to go rather difficult. I am going. I know I need to, but its miserable; to say the least. I am hoping to get together and talk with my relief society president in the next day or two. I have found it really helps to talk about it, but with talking I will cry without fail and that makes some people really uncomfortable. So, it makes it hard to find someone who cares and is patient with me to talk to and give me comfort. I have found myself on countless times talking to myself about it, because I feel like there is noone that understands or cares to want to hear me vent or cry about it. I have talked to Mike about it often, but even that is getting really hard. He is hurting and I know it hurts for him to talk about it. It brings out the pain and opens the wound once again. So, what am I to do? I have resorted to talking to myself and crying out in frustration and anger at Heavenly Father. I have started running to get a lot of anger out atleast somewhat and its helped, but on work days I am so exhausted that to get my butt on the treadmill is quite a joke. Anyone close want to go walking or running with me? I need it. Physically and emotionally. I have gained about 15 pounds. Yeah pretty frightening. It just seems that the only comfort is unfortunately less than healthy comfort food. ugh!! I am so done with everything!! I seriously need a break from my life........
~Keira

Round 3

I have been so busy lately and haven't had much time to write a post. I started working temporarily, on Shalum's crew. So that plus all the training has kept me busy, plus all my usual things that always need to get done, which I'm slacking on because I'm down with a cold right now...joy. But I have some good news, which I feel guilty mentioning because of what Keira's going through right now, but we've been chosen to adopt again. Our caseworker called us two and a half weeks ago, and we met the birth parents two weeks ago. The due date is Dec 20th, and it's a boy. We're excited! The birth parents are great and they seemed to like us too, which is nice. :) Oh, also, an FSA chapter (Families Supporting Adoption) just started here in the Elko area. We'll be meeting every second Saturday of every month. We had our first meeting yesterday. So if anyone around here is interested in adopting, or has adopted, or has been adopted, or I guess anyone who supports adoption and would like to come to this, you are more than welcome. Just an FYI. :)
~Candice

Miscarriage anyone?? Sign me up!!!!

I found out yesterday that I miscarried. Its been physically painful as well as emotionally. I can't believe it. Yet another thing that I have to overcome when I have barely overcome the last. I feel like I am just getting back up when I get knocked down again. I am too exhausted, and sad to deal with this. I have surgery tomorrow to get everything scraped out. I have the rest of the week off to just be able to sit numb and unfeeling like.
* I have been thinking about what is the point to have people pray for you, fast for you, and give priesthood blessings if the outcome isn't gonna change?
-Keira

Updates.....:)

So, I have been waiting to update everyone about whats going on in my life, but I can't hold it in any longer. I am PREGNANT!! Yep! Sure enough. I found out on October 4, and its still not real to me. I go to the dr. for my first appointment on the 31, and we will get the ultrasound, and everything. I am super excited, and shocked, and scared, and worried, and sick. Its lovely!! :)
  So, thanks to all of you that have kept me in your prayers, and loved, and supported me throughout the years. After 6 1/2 years filled with joy, but also sorrow, pain, longing...etc its all coming together and we get to experience it for ourselves. I am so grateful for this opportunity, and for the lessons I have learned throughout the years.
Please continue to keep me and our little one in your prayers.
 Love you all, Keira

Rascal Flatts - Stand

Still alive....just feeling like I have dropped off the side of the planet

Hello all!!!
 Sorry it has been so incredibly long since I have gotten on here to write. I am alive and well, but very busy and tired. Life continues on. Hope all is well with everyone. There has been a song that has been in my head for several months now that kinda has hit me differently with the challenges that my life has brought me. Its by Rascal Flatts and its called Stand. Check it out. Its a keeper! I love country music and one of my very faves is Rascal Flatts! Anyhow, in the song it talks about how you basically get knocked down and you have to get up, dust yourself off, and stand back up. You will see how strong you really are. I promise its a lot better than the way I just described it, but ya know....
  I feel like it fits with all of us and the different struggles that we go through. Only a loving Heavenly Father knows where we are at and where we need to be and exactly what needs to happen to get us there. Unfortunately it is most often accompanied by trials. We just gotta keep on standing back up.
  Love you all. Thanks for your continued prayers, love and support.
Love, Keira

More than one kind of missionary work

This morning I found out that a senior missionary couple is now working with LDSFS to help us hopeful adoptive couples here in northern Nevada. That is their mission. They are from Nevada and are able to do their mission in their own home. I don't know all the details but part of what they will be doing is getting our profiles to hospitals, talking to bishops, and basically getting our names out there. I'm so excited about this and hoping their help will help us. So this means it is time to update our profile, which I've been meaning to do for a couple months now. The missionary couple actually has a daughter who adopted their first child through LDSFS and a few other children through the state, and they have another daughter who is going through LDSFS as well. They think this might be why they were called to do this mission. At least I think that's what I heard. I was told all this second hand. That's all the info I have and thought I'd share since I'm excited about this. And I know I already said that. Give me a break, this makes me happy.
~Candice