change of plans

 When I was younger all I wanted to do is get married, have children and be a stay at home mother. As time went on I watched as my older brother and sisters all got married and got pregnant right away. I was super excited for them, as I,  for sure wanted the same thing for me. Well, I married Mike in April of 2005, and we both wanted and planned for children right away. After six months of trying unsuccessfully we went to see a family doctor to look at our options. He basically told us to come back after we had been trying a full year, because that's when they technically say you are infertile, and are willing to do the testing and start you out on your own infertility journey. Well, we left feeling sad, but after a year we went back. We decided to not go to an infertility dr. yet, because our insurance would not cover it, so we were hoping just a family dr. could do the basics. Well, he asked several questions, did an exam on me and because I have always had irregular periods he decided to start me on clomid and another medication. (can't remember what) The one medication helped me to start my period and as we had sex on a schedule to when I ovulated we were all very optimistic that I would get pregnant. I had to go in for tests after I started my period to be sure that I ovulated, and yep sure enough the clomid was doing its job. But, negative pregnancy tests and several tears later we were back to square one. I continued on a schedule to to stay on clomid for awhile with no luck. I would get my hopes up every month and then be tearfully let down. So, we stopped completely. Doing fertility treatments was so incredibly painful and hard. I hated it with a passion. I don't remember how everything went, so this may be little out of order, but I remember the frustrations and hopelessness that I felt. I was just beginning into the downward spiral of depression. I felt very alone and hated my life. My dreams were being put on hold with no answers from above as to why or how long, no matter how much I prayed. Well, because of financial issues, and all the frustration we put fertility treatments on hold, and decided to just figure out my irregular period issues, hoping that the rest would just fall into place. Well, unfortunately for us and fertility nothing just falls into place. So, I made an appointment with a gynocologist. She suggested that I be put on birth control for about 8-9 months and it would make me regular and then I could get pulled off and whabam! prego. Ha! I truly thought that this would be the end of all my frustrations, and  that I could be happy again. Well, despite how much I HATED the idea of choosing to take something that totally went against all my plans and dreams, I decided to do what it takes. It was worth a try. I went on it for 9 months and then I quit taking it. Well, month after month I still was not pregnant, and even though I was supposed to go back to my gyno for more testing and trying something else, I was done. I was just emotionally done.

    So, it has now been a few years since I have done anything medical to try to get pregnant. I despised the very little and limited fertility treatments we did, and could not been happier since I quit. Someday I will go back and dig deeper and do more complex and expensive things, but for now I am trying to live my life, and create other dreams and  goals that can help me become a better mother when that time comes.  I have felt so much peace and comfort the past year, and I know that it comes from my Heavenly Father. I have had many tender mercies over the last 5 1/2 years of trying unsuccessfully. I know that He is aware of me, and that He knows what is best for me. It has been incredible to look back in my journal entries of the first 2 years of our marriage, and I am a completly different person now. My outlook on life has changed and I feel joy in what the future holds for Mike and I. I still have very trying days, and days that I hope and want to be a mom so bad that I physically ache, but as I turn to the Savior and trust in Him, it gets better. I am hoping that as I write my innermost thoughts and feelings down here I will gain a greater understanding of why I have been asked to carry this load, and that as I have hard days I can get peace from reading posts of hope and joy in the future. 

-Keira