so alone, and tired

   I am feeling so alone and isolated right now. Why, if millions of people suffer from infertility do I feel so alone? Why is everything so hush hush about infertility? Why when I spend time with family I come home feeling empty and depressed? These are a few of the many hard questions rambling through this head of mine...
     We went home to Spring Creek this last weekend to surprise my dad for his birthday. It was a quick trip as we had to get back to work. Everyone came out. All of us 6 kids, (minus a brother on a mission) and 4 spouses and all 13 grandkids. I completely immersed myself in the kids and did things I didn't really want to do just to keep busy. I had a complete blast! I had so much fun, but I always leave feeling empty. WHY?
     
     When we all get together it is always a reminder of what I am missing out on right now, and what I long for. The hardest thing is that my sisters and I have nothing in common anymore since their life is the life of a mother and staying at home and taking care of the kids. And my life is work, which to me seems so meaningless and depressing. I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything, which is why many times I hate being with family. And when I do have a lot of fun, I go home to a husband, a dog, and a job waiting for me to get back to, which leaves me feeling empty inside.  
    
    I really wish that someone could truly understand what I am going through, rather then trying to pretend that they understand and really care. Its such a hard thing to deal with and work through, and I feel like most people just blow it off like nothing. Or they try to give comfort by saying things like "It will happen" "Be patient" "As soon as you stop stressing about it, it will happen"
  
  Why when women are put here destined to grow up and be moms, do so many of us struggles with infertility? Why do I feel like less of a woman, because I am infertile? Why do i feel the need to apologize to my husband that I cannot provide him with the one thing he wants most, and then watch his tears fall after being let down?  And then as we hear of family and friends getting pregnant all around us, why do we have to stand strong and bear eachother up when I know we are both falling apart inside?  Today I am just too tired to stand strong and too tired to try pasting a smile on my face....
----keira