My difficult journey

Well I suppose since Keira shared her story I might as well too. I mean, I can't let her one up me. Just kidding. I am not at all the competitive type. It's just not my favorite thing to talk about. And if you know me, I don't usually like being serious. In fact, sometimes it's like pulling teeth to have a serious conversation with me. It makes me uncomfortable. I'm thinking it's either a genetics thing or how I was raised. I know my younger sister is the same way. And my dad's not much of a talker, so maybe we got it from him. So even though it's not easy telling it and I might not necessarily want to, but tell I will.
My journey has been similar to Keira's in some ways. I too have irregular periods, and when I do, I don't ovulate on my own. I went to a doctor after I'd been married about 10 months (we had been trying since we got married). So she started testing to see if I ovulated after each period, but I had to take some medication to get me regular. After six months of never ovulating, she still wanted to keep testing if I ovulated on my own. Clearly I wasn't. She couldn't figure that out after six months? So I decided if she wasn't going to help me, then I wasn't going to go to her. Some months later I went to a doctor in Utah. She had delivered two of my sister-in-laws babies, and when Kim had talked about me, her doctor told her to have me make an appointment with her and she would help me. So I did and she put me on clomid. Well after that didn't work, we went back to her. She put me on it again, by now it had been almost a year since I hadn't taken any clomid (one doctor had told me you need to wait a year before starting clomid again because it thins the uterine wall, or something) So I went on it again, but this time she started testing me to make sure I was ovulating, well I was, each time. She said that if I didn't get pregnant then Shalum needed to be tested because she didn't see any problem with me getting pregnant while on clomid. Well it didn't work. But I was hesitant to have Shalum tested because for one, I was convinced that I was the problem, and second, I had heard that it was harder....lets see how do I word this...basically the doctors had less of a chance to help us get pregnant if the problem was with the man than the woman...did that make sense? So I was afraid to have him tested and find out it was him. Shalum kept saying lets get me tested so we know for sure. But I was all no, it's not you it's me, so forget it. Well eventually I gave in and decided I wanted to know what our problem was more than not wanting to know. So we went to U of U had him tested and it turned out the biggest problem lay with him. And we were told they didn't have anything that would help his sperm. The doctor told us we had a 2-4% chance of getting pregnant on our own, well with me on clomid anyway. And a 20-25% chance of getting pregnant by way of artificial insemination (which she said is the chance that all couples with no fertility problems have each month) and we had about a 60% chance of getting pregnant through IVF (in-vitro fertilization). Well we weren't sure what we wanted to try first, the doctor recommended IVF for us. So she sent us away with clomid, to keep trying on our own until we made up our minds. We decided to try IVF, so we made an appointment with another doctor at the U. He examined my ovaries, and apparently I have a whole lot more egg sacs than most women. He said that they would need to be careful with me when giving me the medication to release a lot of eggs. Also when going through the process of IVF, they put you on birth control for two weeks, well I can't be on birth control due to me having protein C deficiency. But there was some other medication he was going to put me on. But after the exam he took us to his office to talk about our options. He said that he usually preferred trying artificial insemination before going on to IVF, but if we wanted to start with IVF that was fine. After talking with him some more, we decided to give AI a try first. After our first one, the hospital called us and said that if we wanted to get enough sperm to actually give us any chance, then Shalum would have to go in about 3 times prior to the insemination to provide more sperm to freeze, because there just wasn't enough. Well that's not feasible for us seeing that we live in Nevada and Shalum can't keep taking days off to run to Utah. So we stopped that. Now I was ready to move on to IVF, but now Shalum wasn't. He didn't want to spend $10,000-$13,000 and not have it work. After much talking and arguing, that has now been put off indefinitely. And we moved on to adoption. As said in another post we are going through LDS Family Services. Our profile is at www.itsaboutlove.org. We are waiting to get chosen. Just a couple weeks ago we decided to become foster parents and hope to adopt that way. Our training class is in January. We are also taking herbs to help boost Shalum's sperm and help me ovulate and become more regular. So hopefully we'll be able to have children soon. Over the years I have thought I was pregnant a few times. Two times really stick out in my mind when I really thought I was pregnant. One of the times, I was feeling sick and I went home early from church, but before I left, the bishop gave me a blessing, and in it he said that I have been given my answer. So I was convinced that the answer was yes! Well it wasn't, it had either been a no or a not right now. I took it hard. The other time I was experiencing a lot of pregnancy symptoms, apparently I wanted to be pregnant so bad my body started mimicking it. I took that really hard too. I have struggled over the years more than I could say. I once had a conversation with one of my sisters-in-law. She had lost her husband to cancer when they were just 26 years old, and had 4 little boys. She had said that growing up she always fantasized what her husband would be like, that was always her greatest desire. I hadn't actually given it any thought till she said that, but growing up I had always fantasized about my children. I always wanted a lot of children. I had names picked out when I was in elementary school. I always thought about it, and yes I wanted to get married and have a great husband, but growing up I saw that as a means to get the children that I wanted. So we were deliberating that maybe we are going through the trials we are because they were the ones that will help us learn that we need to accept our Father in Heaven's will. Maybe these were the trials that would hit us the hardest and be the hardest for us to accept. But learn we must. And even though I struggle and sometimes get angry, I have a strong testimony of the gospel and of our Lord, and Savior. And I know that if I endure through my trials and do my best to follow Christ, and not waiver in my faith, then all the blessings I desire in this life, will be given me tenfold in the next life. Some days, that's the only thing that gets me going, gets me out of bed, and gets me to church each Sunday. Sometimes I have a hard time going to church and being surrounded by mothers and babies, but I know that's where Heavenly Father wants me, and where I need to be. So even though I don't understand right now why I'm going through what I am, I am going to continue to have hope and faith, and even smile when I don't want to, that all will turn out well. I just need to trust in my Father in Heaven.


Candice