comforting the comfortless...

  On the last two posts Candice and I have put many things that are common phrases that people say to comfort us, and probably many others who suffer with infertility, which are not helpful, and many times irritate and aggravate rather than comfort and uplift. So, a comment was left on how can people comfort those of us struggling with infertility?
   In my own situation I have a few examples and suggestions that may help. Given, everyone is different, and needs and desires different things...
    For me, the absolute best thing is to be wrapped up in the arms of a loved one and for them to say something along the lines of how sorry they are that I have to go through this, and how they wish they could help, or take the hurt away. I also find great comfort when loved ones ask me about it, and we can talk about my infertility. I don't like being told what I need to do, or how I need to act, but just a genuine, concerned, and caring conversation.When everything is so hush hush and quiet about infertility and my situation it makes me feel like nobody cares, or understands.   Also, I have found a very few amount of people that know that certain situations are going to be painful and hard on me, and show me comfort right away. That makes me feel so good!! The fact that they know me, are aware of me, and care enough about me to give their comfort and love to me before my breakdown. One obvious painful and hard day for me is Mother's Day, and if we happen to get together for dinner with my inlaws on this particular day, my mother-in-law is so good to come to me and hug me and tells me she is sorry and that she loves me. I can't quite express into words how much I appreciate that simple gesture of love and acceptance. She was aware from the beginning that it would be a hard day for me, and she was willing to help me carry my burden.
   Also, when my oldest sister was expecting her 3 child, she was very sensitive to how Mike and I would take the news. She told us how sorry she was that we were struggling getting pregnant and how unfair that she was having her 3 child. She also said that she didn't understand why we were having to go through that, and how hard it must be for us. I can't quite remember everything that was said, but the most important thing was how she made us feel. No, it didn't take away the pain, but I knew without a doubt that she did really feel pain for us, and that she loved us, and was very sensitive to our feelings and what we needed.
    There has been many times when visiting family on both sides that people are not at all understanding, and that makes the pain harder to bear and the distancing ourselves more evident.
   It is not helpful when someone compares our situation and experience to someone else who may happen to handle the burden better, and basically tells us that we should be like that. It is not helpful when we are taking care of ourselves by staying a little back from family during hard situations and someone says that we are too busy feeling sorry for ourselves, and we need to just get over it, and quit acting like that.
  Are we not allowed to grieve the children we may never bear? Or what about the experiences that we are missing out on? Or what about the frayed relationships with siblings because of our inability to bear children, and no longer have anything in common?
  Infertility is vary hard and painful on both parts, whether you are the one who is infertile, or the one trying to comfort and help a loved one who is suffering.