First off I just want to say... Keira, you were here in Elko and didn't stop to say hi for a second?! When are coming again? Next time you MUST see me.
Second...I know exactly how you feel. I think in the 7 plus years I've been married, a good portion of those days have been filled with feelings like that. Lately I've been so focused with our plans to foster that I haven't felt like that. But I know I'll still have days like that. I have 27 nieces and nephews. I take it hard everytime I find out one of my sisters-in-law are pregnant. I really took it hard when my nephew had a kid last January. So I know what you're going through. One time we were in Utah with Shalum's brother and his wife and they told me they were expecting, that they had just found out. I was waiting till we were driving back home so that I could cry without them being around (we went in separate vehicles) And then about 10 minutes later their truck broke down. And they had to travel back to Elko with us. It was an absolutely miserable day for me. I had a major headache from holding back all the tears because I refused to cry in front of them. It was just an all out awful day. Or when I found out my one sister-in-law was pregnant with her 15th child. I was so upset that she was having another one, but I couldn't even have just one child.
And don't forget the "want my kids?", "kids aren't all they're cracked up to be", "once you stop trying to get pregnant, then it will happen" (how do you stop trying to get pregnant when that's what you desperately want?), "you're lucky you didn't have children right away" (yeah, not my decision there), or since we're now trying to adopt "once you adopt you'll get pregnant". And really statistics show that that last one isn't very likely to happen. Sure it happens to some people, but not the majority. I also hate being told not to be bitter, or "why can't you just be happy for other people". If I want to be angry about it then I will. Considering they've never gone through infertility, don't tell me how I should feel. I have zero doubt that if they were to have gone through it, they would have had the very same feelings I've had. Everyone I know who has struggled with infertility have had bitter feelings.
So even though you feel as if you're alone (I've felt that way often) you're not. You at least have me. And I'm here for you to talk to, cry to, or yell at.
You know, writing this has made me a little angry, so I'm going to stop now.
Love you Keira Lee
Candice
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Hi. I'm a friend of Keira's (we were roommates in Provo), and I have a question. Now, please don't anyone shoot me for asking this because it is asked with complete sincerity. Though I have not experienced infertility myself, I am friends with many, many women who are, and with several more who, while not technically infertile, have lost children due to miscarriages. It is devastating for me, as their friend, to watch them struggle. I never know what to say. Like one time, when I was told by doctors that I was in the process of miscarrying my first child. In the end it turned out that they were wrong and my baby was fine. But during that month of turmoil when no one was sure what exactly was happening the close friend who I turned to for comfort found out she was pregnant and, once my own pregnancy/miscarriage issues were resolved, she lost her own baby to a miscarriage. As I sat with her and we grieved together, I didn't know what to say. How was it fair that my baby ended up being fine but hers didn't make it? What could I possibly say that could comfort her?
ReplyDeleteAnd that is my question to you both: What do you want people to say to you? You've outlined in these recent posts what you do not like to hear, and I can completely understand why those common phrases would be so grating. But what exactly is comforting to hear? I've always wondered, as I've talked with friends struggling with infertility, what I can say to them that doesn't sound shallow. So anyway, any guidance or thoughts you might have would be helpful -- both for me, and for those friends of mine who I want to help, not hurt.
Well this isn't the easiest question to answer. And for me, the best thing is to not say anything, or at least something along the lines of 'I hate that you have to go through this'. But there really isn't anything to say that will help, especially on the days when I'm really hurting. Sometimes just a hug is the best thing. I don't know how helpful this answer really is. But one thing I'll mention, as one who hasn't been able to get pregnant I hate hearing when a friend is pregnant, it just tears me up. But when someone waits till they are far into their pregnancy to tell me while everyone else knows and their far enough along to really show, because they know it'll hurt for me to hear, that hurts. I understand that they don't want to hurt me, and while part of me appreciates that, however not telling hurts even more. And when you're upset and hurting, your feelings don't always make sense. I know I'm not explaining this quite right because it's hard to put into words, and I'm sure this isn't all that helpful, which I apologize.
ReplyDeleteDang! I just posted a nice long response, and it all got erased, so I am sitting here in shock.....
ReplyDeleteCandice,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this post, I really appreciated it, and even though it started making you angry, it was truly helpful to know without any doubt that you understood my thoughts and feelings completely. I am sorry that you started getting angry though :( I am also sorry we didn't stop by when we went out to my dads birthday thing. We were planning to go out earlier friday so that we could call you and stop by, but long story short we had to wait for Shae to get done with finals and then he was going to follow us, but he had car problems, and left his car overnight in a shopping center, ended up getting towed, had to go get it out and try several things my dad suggested to getting it started, one of which started part of the engine on fire. anyway, it was a big mess, and he had to also move out of his apartment that day, and without a car it was impossible, so we were the ones running him to and fro. BIG NIGHTMARE! We had planned to leave at 10:30 am and ended up leaving at 2:30. we were lucky to get to the church to surprise dad right before he got there. i promise you we will come see you next time we come out. probably not till summer, cuz the snow was a problem, but for sure...next time.
loves, keira